Addicted to you
by suchasaddeparting
Summary: Bella and Edward are in a treacherous love affair. Can they workout their differences or will they tear each other apart? AH! M for Lemons! R&R Please!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So this is the newest story I'm working on. Inspiration comes in many forms for me, this one through music. Hope you enjoy. Leave me some love..or hate. Whichever you prefer. =)**

**Btw-Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me sadly. I do however have 2 beautiful little girls that I will claim as mine for eternity.**

"Bella, please talk to me." Edward whispered, glancing in my direction before diverting his attention back to the road. It was the first thing either of us had said on this nearly twenty minute drive from Seattle back to our hometown of Forks, Washington. I found it peculiar that he knew I was angry with him, yet he claimed to have no idea why. How would he know I was angry if he didn't know what he did? Men. I crossed my arms across my chest, and bit down on my lip to keep from saying anything. If he really didn't know I wasn't going to tell him. Not yet anyway. I was still too mad to say anything without yelling. Normally, I wouldn't care, but we're trying a new approach to this relationship. No yelling. No threats of leaving. No calling names. We were adults it was time we started acting like adults. I was still adjusting to that rule. It was the only way our relationship of four years would survive, or so Edward said. He said we were toxic to each other, and if we really wanted to be together forever we had to change the way we did things. I must admit, I agree with him. We are toxic. We fought almost everyday several times a day, and it was always over something so trivial. And it wasn't just yelling. We scratched, claw, hit, and kicked each other every chance we got. Everyone we knew said we were all wrong for each other, but they were the ones who were wrong. Edward meant the world to me. He made me feel safe, protected, loved. Everything I didn't have growing up. He claimed to feel the same way with me. If that's true, then we're perfect for each other. Why shouldn't we do everything in our power to save that?

"Bella, I can't take this. _Please_ talk to me." Edward pleaded, pulling me from my thoughts. I sighed heavily, and turned my head to glare at him. "I'd really love to talk to you, Edward, but it's just not feasible at this time. You see, I dont have anything nice to say, and I'm pretty sure one of our rules is no name calling." I smarted. He narrowed his eyes and pulled off the highway, slamming his brakes in the process. He was out of the car and around to my side in a matter of seconds. He yanked my car door open, and roughly grabbed my arm. I smacked at his hands and face until he had me out of the car and pinned against the back door. I raised my hand to smack him, but stopped within inches of his face. Aren't we off to a great start with the new rules?

"What? You want to hit me? Go ahead! Hit me!" He yelled, smacking his own face. I narrowed my eyes at him, and smacked him as hard as I could. Fuck the new rules. I'm not going to let him stand there and antagonize me. "Feel better then?" He snapped, grabbing my hand to keep me from smacking him again. "You want to call me names? Call me names. You want to scream at me? Go ahead! Do whatever makes you feel better, love because the only thing worse than all of that is you completely ignoring me!" He yelled angrily. I pushed against him with my free hand, and tried to wrestle my other hand free. "Ignoring you seems to be the only fucking thing that gets your attention, Edward! What else am I supposed to do?" I screamed, as he fought against being pushed away. I got my hand free, and started slapping at him again. "Bella! Stop!" He yelled batting my hands away from his face. "Fuck you!" I yelled back, hitting him harder. The next thing I felt was his fist connecting with my lip, and the ground meeting my head. Motherfucker. I got up, tasting blood in my mouth, and punched him in the nose as hard as I could just as his fist connected with the right side of my face. Asshole.

"FUCK!" He screamed covering his nose with both hands. "Why does it _always_ have to come to this, Bella? Why?" He demanded, pulling his hands away from his face. I bit back a satisfied smile as I saw the blood running from his nose. "Maybe you should keep your eyes to yourself." I snapped, arching an eyebrow. "Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? That's what this is about? You're pissed because I happened to turn my head and see a girls butt? You act like I did it on purpose Bella!" I pointed a finger at him, and glared. "You did! I see you checking other girls out all the fucking time, Edward! I'm sick of it! If you want to be with other girls than go fucking be with other girls!"

"Oh, you want me to leave?" He questioned walking towards the car. "I want you to leave if you want to leave! Don't fucking stay just because you feel obligated to me!" I yelled, picking a rock up and throwing it at the car. "Great. That's just fucking great, Bella. I'm done. I'm so fucking done with this shit." He said quietly. The next thing I knew he was in the car and taking off down the highway with the tires squealing. I licked my swollen lip, tasting blood, and started walking towards Forks. It wasn't the first time I'd had to walk to somewhere, and it probably wouldn't be the last. This wasn't even a bad fight. This was pretty mellow compared to most of our fights. Then again, we weren't drinking either. It was always worse when we were drinking. I'd only been walking for a few minutes when my phone started chirping at me.

"Hey, Alice." I greeted in defeat. Edward always called her after a fight, and she always came to my rescue no matter the hour, or the distance. She was the only friend I had who believed in Edward and I. Honestly, I think the only reason that is though is because she's Edward's sister, and my best friend. She sees the best of us as well as the worst.

"Hey doll. I'm on my way with some ice. How's the head?" She asked dryly. "It's been better." I replied grimacing at the pain in my lip as I talked. It was gonna be a bitch to smoke. Speaking of which. I reached in my jacket pocket, and pulled out a ciggarette. I lit it, and took a long drag. Yep. That was painful. "Are you by the reservation yet?" Alice asked after a minute. I looked behind me at the sign I'd just passed, and nodded. Rolling my eyes at my stupidity I replied, "Yeah just passed the sign. Hey, I could go to Jake's if you don't feel like coming to get my dumb ass." I heard her snort into the phone. "Yeah, that's a great idea." She stated sarcastically. Jacob was my best friend, and sometimes fuck buddy. When Edward and I were on the outs, which was more often than not lately, I went to Jacob. Not the healthiest thing in the world I know, but fucking my best friend couldn't fuck me up anymore than I already was so whatever.

"I can see you, Bella. No point in turning around now. Besides, I'm pretty sure screwing Jacob would not make things better with Edward." She stated. I turned around, and hung the phone up as she pulled over in front of me. I took a last puff of my ciggarette, and jumped into the car. "Who says I want to make anything better with that asshole?" I asked, picking our conversation back up. She handed me the ice, and pulled back onto the highway. I hissed as I put the ice on my face, and laid my head back on the seat. "That asshole is my brother you know." She said dryly. "Yeah, well you're brother left a pretty good bruise on my face." I sneered. "Not that I defend what he did, but you broke his nose, Bella." She replied. "Yeah, _after_ he busted my lip." I blanched. "And you didn't touch him before that? Come on, Bella I know you. I've seen you two fight before." She shot back quickly. I sighed, and rolled my eyes.

"I'm sorry, Bella, but I'm not going to feel sorry for you. You are both responsible for this, and I'm not playing sides. You should know that by now." She said quietly. "I know, Alice. I'm sorry we keep dragging you into our shit." I replied. We rode the rest of the way into town in silence, and I was thankful for that. It gave me time to think about how stupid I'd acted with Edward. Really, he couldn't help the fact that a waitress bent over just as he happened to turn his head. It was my own insecurities that made me act out, and now I had to make it right. By the time Alice pulled into our apartment complex the tears were already falling. As she pulled up to our building I handed her the ice pack. "Thanks, Alice. I owe you one." I whispered. She smiled and shook her head. "Just..trying not to kill each other tonight, okay?" She replied still smiling. I snorted and got out of the car. I watched her pull away, and sighed heavily as I turned to go inside. I trudged slowly up the stairs, and unlocked the door. Well, here goes nothing.

**A/N: I have a feeling I'm going to get flamed for this chapter, but that's okay. Just take it easy on me I promise it will get better. =]**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. No matter how much I wish differently. *sigh* Oh well. Here's another chapter. Leave the love-or hate. Whichever. =] P.S hope your thirsty for some lemonade.**

"Bella?" Edward called as I entered the apartment. "Yeah." I replied dully. I shut the door, and pulled my jacket off. I was hanging it on the hook when Edward rushed up behind me, and began kissing my neck. "I'm so sorry, love. I was worried sick about you." I turned around in his arms, and began my own kisses along his neck and jaw ignoring the searing pain from my lip and face. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have got so worked up about that stupid waitress. It wasn't your fault." I replied, hugging him tightly to me. I inhaled his scent, and closed my eyes as more tears started to fall. He smelled of soap, and something exotic that was distinctly Edward. His scent overwhelmed me, and my body immediately reacted. I ran my hands down his back to his tight ass, and began planting soft kisses along his neck. He moaned, and pushed me against the door planting his own kisses along my cheek, jaw, and neckline. I smoothed my hands over his chest, and went lower until I reached his pants. I unbuttoned his jeans, and pushed them down along with his boxers. I ignored the pain on my face as I kissed my way down his chest and stomach, and stopped at his hard cock. I glanced up and smiled at the anxious expression on his face before taking his cock into my mouth. He groaned in pleasure as I began bobbing back and forth, gently scraping my teeth along the bottom of his shaft.

He pulled roughly on my hair until my head hurt, and I sucked faster. He began moving his hips in junction with my sucking, until I stopped suddenly. "Bella, come on baby. Don't stop." He groaned. I came back up, and kissed him deeply as he unbuttoned my pants. "I want you to fuck me, Edward." I growled, wrapping my legs around his waist. He shoved me harder against the door, and slid smoothly into my slick folds. I moaned as my eyes fluttered closed, and ground against him. Within minutes I was screaming my release in tandum with his. Sometimes I think we fight so we can have the make up sex. It's always the best kind of sex to have. He slipped out of me after a few minutes, and gathered his clothes. "I'm sorry for leaving you on the highway." He mumbled as I followed him to the bedroom. I shrugged. "We aren't doing so good with these rules are we?" He asked after a minute. I smiled, and shook my head no. I grabbed a pair of yoga pants, some underwear and a t-shirt, and headed for the shower.

I took a fast shower mostly due to how tired I felt, and hurried back to the bedroom. Edward was already in bed, snoring lightly. I smiled to myself, and slid into bed beside him. I kissed him lightly on the cheek, and he wrapped his arms around me tightly. "I really am sorry, love." He whispered. "I know baby, me too." I replied. "We have to try harder, Bella. I can't live like this anymore." He said quietly. "I'm trying, Edward. Really, I am." I whispered fiercely. "I know you are, love." He replied. He kissed my head lightly with a sigh. "I love you beautiful." I smiled, and responded, "Love you, too."

"Bella! Wake the fuck up!" Edward yelled, pushing me roughly. I cracked an eye open to see him standing over me with my phone in his hand. _Fuck my life. What now?_ "What's wrong, Edward?" I asked, my voice thick with sleep. "I thought you said you weren't talking to Jake anymore?" He accused angrily. _Shit._ I sighed heavily, and sat up. "I haven't talked to him since we got back together. Why?" I explained, trying to stay awake. I was too tired for this bullshit. "I woke up to your fucking phone blowing up this morning. It was Jacob. He saw you on the rez last night? What the fuck were you doing out at La Push?" He demanded throwing my phone at me. I groaned in frustration and jumped out of bed. I needed a ciggarette, and some caffeine. "You abandoned me at the reservation last night, Edward." I sneered walking towards the door. "Where the fuck do you think you're going?" He snapped, grabbing my arm. I yanked my arm away from him, and pushed him backwards. I turned and started for the door again. Just as I was opening the door Edward slammed it shut, and shoved me hard against it.

"Don't fucking walk away from me." He sneered. "Edward, calm down. I'm just going to get a fucking ciggarette." I snapped. "No, we're having a conversation." He shot back. I sighed, and turned my head to better see him. "Okay, fine. What do you want to talk about?" I asked as nicely as I could manage. I was trying to stay calm. We were supposed to be trying harder at the rules. This was my attempt at trying harder. Gotta be honest. It fucking sucks. When you grow up with violence, it's hard to find any other way to deal with anything, but I would try. For Edward. For me. For us.

"Are you talking to Jake? Did you see him last night?" He questioned angrily. "No! I told you I haven't talked to him since we got back together last month. I didn't see anyone last night except for Alice when she picked me up by the sign for the reservation." I explained calmly. "So why is he saying he saw you last night?" He spat, pushing harder against me. "Edward, please calm down. We're supposed to be trying harder remember?" I replied quietly. "Shit! I'm sorry." He answered, moving away from me. I turned around, and hugged him. "I'm sorry my girlfriend is such a whore." He sneered. I pushed him away from me, and slapped him. "Fuck you! I am not a fucking whore! What about Tanya? When was the last time you talked to her?" I screamed, tears filling my eyes. "Don't fucking slap me again, Isabella!" He yelled. I slapped him. Twice. And then I pushed him again for good measure. He pushed me back, and swung at me. I ducked, and punched him in the stomach. This time when he swung, his fist connected with my jaw, and I fell backwards on my ass.

I stood back up, and rushed him. It took him by surprise, and we both tumbled back onto the floor. We rolled until I was on top of him, and I slapped him again. We rolled again, and he was on top. He grabbed my hair, and slammed my head into the floor a couple times before I managed to roll us over again. I was seeing spots, but that didn't deter me from pounding on him. "I haven't talked to Tanya in over two months, Bella! Stop hitting me!" Edward yelled after a few minutes. I ignored him, and continued punching at him until he shoved me off of him. This time as I fell backwards I slammed my head against the dresser, and everything went black.

When I came to I was laying in bed, with an ice pack on my head. I tried to open my eyes, but the lights were too bright so I decided against it. I groaned against the pain, and tried to move my head. I stopped quickly when that shot a searing pain throughout my whole body. "Bella?" Edward breathed next to me. "Yeah." I mumbled. "Oh my god, baby, I'm sorry." He cried, kissing my face.

"Move away from her, Edward. Now, or I'm calling the police." Carlisle demanded from somewhere near the foot of the bed. "Leave him alone, Carlisle. He didn't do anything." I snapped, popping an eye open. "Bella, he knocked you unconscious." Carlisle retorted angrily. I opened my other eye, squinting against the brightness in the room, and sat up slowly. My head and body resisted, but I had to be strong for Edward. No doubt he was feeling guilty enough right now. I didn't need to make it worse. And neither did Carlisle. "I fell, Carlisle. Edward didn't do anything to me." I explained quietly.

"Really? And what about your face? Who did that?" Carlisle snapped. I swallowed, and sunk further down into the bed. I wasn't used to seeing Carlisle angry. He was one of the most gentle people I'd ever known. Then again, he's put up with alot of our shit. "This has to stop. I'm tired of coming over here playing doctor every time you two beat the shit out of each other. If you don't knock it off I will be forced to call the police. Bella, I want you to pack a bag. You're coming to stay with us at the house until we can figure something out for you. This is not happening anymore." He demanded.

"I'm not going anywhere, Carlisle. I appreciate your concern, but we are working on our issues. And we can do that while living together. If you can't understand that than maybe you shouldn't be here." I snapped back. "Bella, Carlisle is right. We need help. Maybe we shouldn't live together for awhile." Edward stated sullenly. I gently placed my hand on his face, and forced him to look at me. "I am not going anywhere. We can do this together, Edward." I replied fiercely. Carlisle sighed, and shook his head. "If you stay I won't come back to help you next time." He stated. "I understand the position you're in Carlisle, and I don't expect you to come running everytime we have a problem." I replied. With a final shake of his head, Carlisle turned, and left us alone. I turned back to Edward, and kissed him softly. "Alright, baby. It's time for some changes."

**There it is. Chapter 2. That one was a little hard to write. Hope you enjoyed it. Now please excuse me while I go have some corn pops!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. No matter how much I wish differently. *sigh* Oh well. Here's another chapter. Leave the love-or hate. Whichever. =] **

_-two weeks later-_

"Bella?" Edward called. I rolled over in bed, and covered my head up with the blankets. "Bella, come on love! We have therapy in an hour! Have you showered yet?" He asked, the sound of his voice getting closer to the bedroom. I ignored him, and willed sleep to claim me once again. I wasn't going anywhere today. I didn't even feel like breathing let alone getting out of bed. It turns out the anger I've been holding onto for so long is just the tip of the iceberg. Our therapist says I have depression. Go fucking figure. Like I needed to pay someone to tell me that. What I didn't know however, was that once Edward and I stopped fighting every other second the anger dissipated into sadness, and this..worthless drowning feeling that was all consuming. She gave me meds to take after our first appointment two weeks ago, but I haven't taken them in over a week. They make me feel loopy, and disconnected from everything.

"Bella, come on baby. You have to get up." Edward cooed, pulling the covers off my head. I groaned, and pulled them back up. He chuckled, and removed them again. "Go away. I'm not getting out of this fucking bed." I growled. "We have an appointment, love. You have to get up." He replied soothingly. I hated it when he was so agreeable. Where was the angry, defiant fight back over everything under the sun Edward I'd grown to depend on? Oh yeah. The wench known as our therapist cured him. She claimed that he only reacted to my anger. And that if he would stop reacting there wouldn't be any fighting because I couldn't fight with someone who wasn't feeding my anger. Which, of course, turned out to be absolutely true. _Stupid wench_. "Come on, love. Get up." Edward pushed. "What's the fucking point?" I sighed. "The point is that we made a promise to each other before we started going to therapy." He replied swiftly. I opened my eyes long enough to let him see me roll them, and then closed them again.

"Don't you want things to change?" He whispered. _Fuck me._ "I mean, come on Bella, we're really making progress and it's only been two weeks. We haven't had a single fight since the first appointment, and I'd like that to continue. I don't want to fight with you." He explained still in a whisper. I hated it when he pulled the guilt card. Mainly because it worked like a charm. Not today. Unbeknownest to him I had my secret weapon working in my favor. No medication in over a week. Can't feel guilty when you're numb. "I'm not going. Call and reschedule." I ground out. "No. Get out of the fucking bed, Bella." He snapped. "Fuck you." I shot back quickly. Who knew the way to get him angry was to not go to therapy? "Fine. I'll call and reschedule." He sneered walking out of the bedroom. But not angry enough to fight. _Fuck my life._

_-three days later-_

"Bella." Edward said, shaking me roughly. "Bella, get up." He repeated, still shaking me. I groaned and rolled away from him. "Bella, if you don't get out of this bed I'm going to dump this bucket of ice water all over you." He threatened. I pulled my hand out of the covers, flipped him off, and covered my arm back up. He wouldn't really du-"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" I screamed sitting up as the shock from the ice water began to wear off. "Get the fuck out of this bed right now!" He yelled throwing the bucket down. "GO FUCK YOURSELF! I FUCKING HATE YOU!" I screamed, jumping up to push him away. He swatted my hands away, and backed up a few steps. Every step back he took, I took two foward smacking at him with everything I had until I tripped over the bucket, and fell face first onto the floor. "Bella!" Edward exclaimed kneeling before me, and taking me into his arms. I pushed away from him, and climbed back into my now soaking wet bed. "Get out, Edward." I demanded, covering myself back up.

"Bella, you can't do this. You need to take your medicine, and then you'll start feeling better. I'll call the therapist, and reschedule again, and then I'll bring you your medicine." He stated walking towards the door. "I'm not taking that shit! Just get out and leave me alone!" I yelled. "Bella, I-"

"GET OUT!" I screamed, cutting him off. Once he was gone, I covered my head back up, and cried myself to sleep.

_-one week later-_

"That's it, Bella." Edward stated, removing the blankets, and picking me up. "Put me down." I mumbled, still half asleep. He carried me into the bathroom, and _dropped_ me into the tub. I screamed as the ice cold water began raining down on me. I tried to get out, but Edward pushed me back down. "WHAT THE FUCK?" I screamed angrily, trying again to get out. And again Edward pushed me back down. I struggled for a few more minutes before finally giving up. I sat there, under the ice cold shower, and cried. "You are _not_ staying in that fucking bed for another second do you hear me?" Edward yelled. I nodded, still crying. "And you're taking your meds!" He continued. I nodded again. After a few more minutes he turned the shower off, and helped me out. He handed me a towel and some clothes. "I'm going to get your meds from the bedroom. Meet me in the kitchen." He demanded walking out. I stripped out of my soaking wet clothes, and wrapped the towel around my body not bothering with the new clothes.

I made my way slowly to the kitchen, and sat down at the table. "Bella? Where is the pill bottle?" Edward called from our room. "Under the bed." I called back, spying the butcher's block on the counter. Maybe there was another way I didn't have to feel like this all the time without taking the medication. "Bella? I don't see it." Edward yelled as I got up from the chair. I walked over to the counter, and pulled a knife from the block. "I might have thrown it in one of the dresser drawers." I yelled back. I fingered the knife gently, and then without really thinking it through I sliced my left wrist open, and then the right. In a manner of seconds I was fallling to the floor. I couldn't hold myself up; I'd lost too much blood already. I heard Edward calling my name before my eyes fluttered closed and everything faded away.

**A/N: sorry for the cliffhanger..okay not really. =] I just wanna say that while a lot of the inspiration for this story came from music, it is also loosely based off of events in my life, and is sort of a way for me to heal. Anyhoo-thanks for reading. I hope you're enjoying it. Review please!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. No matter how much I wish differently. *sigh* Oh well. Here's another chapter. Leave the love-or hate. Whichever. =] -Thanks for the reviews & for adding my story to your alerts/favs! Means alot to me! Please keep it up-especially the reviews! =]**

I woke up in the hospital, tied down to the bed, and completely alone._ Fuck me._ I guess slicing your wrists open will do that to ya. It was really annoying. Not the being alone part; I didn't really want to be bombarded with questions anyway, but the being tied down part sucked. I had an itch on my nose, and it was really bugging me. I tried scrunching my nose, wiggling it, and sniffing, but nothing was helping. Just as I was about to call out, Alice came waltzing into the room with a furious expression on her delicate face. _Shit. I'm in trouble._

"Hey there good looking." I cheesed. "Don't you do that. Don't you dare act like everything is just peachy keen when I've been sitting out in that waiting room for over twenty-four hours with a very broken Edward, and everyone else worrying whether or not you would wake up. How fucking dare you do this to us! If you ever pull a stunt like this again and live to talk about it I'll kill you myself do you hear me?" She threatened. I swallowed, and nodded in understanding. Who knew the little pixie could be so scary? I sure as hell didn't. I'd never seen her so upset before. Then again, I've never tried to off myself either. Was that really what I was trying to do? I didn't even know for sure. But, what I did know was that my nose itched like a motherfucker.

"Alice? I know you're angry with me, but my nose really itches. Could you please itch it?" I whispered. I was afraid if I spoke any louder everyone would hear, and I wasn't ready to deal with anyone else just yet. Especially not Edward. Not after what I did to him. Alice started laughing, and bless her little soul came over and scratched my nose. _Aaahhh. Much better._ She sat down next to me, and took hold of my restrained hand gently. "You scared the shit out of me, Bella." She stated quietly. Tears welled up in her eyes, and I swear I've never felt so guilty in my life. "I'm so sorry, Alice." I apologized just as quietly, tears filling my own eyes. "Why, Bella? Why did you do it? I just can't understand _why_ you would do this. I never thought you of all people would take the easy way out." She questioned, wiping at the tears that had begun falling down my cheeks as well as her own.

"I felt so...lost. I was suffocating, Alice. When Edward and I stopped fighting, all my anger just melted into sadness, and I got so depressed. I started feeling guilty for all the fights we'd had, and how I'd hit him. I mean, Alice..I..I love him. I mean, I _really_ love him, and I hit him. Who does that? Just because I've had the life I've had before him doesn't give me the right to put my hands on him, and even though I knew that..I still tried to pick fights with him. Just to make him as miserable as I was. I felt like I was drowning, and I just wanted it to stop. I still feel as if I'm drowning, and I don't know how to fix it. But, mostly, I'm terrified Alice. I don't know how to be anything other than what I've been. Mean, hateful, and violent. I don't know how to be better, and I'm scared of it.

"I wasn't even thinking about it being suicide, I swear. I just wanted it to stop." I explained, crying harder. "Oh, Alice." I cried. "What am I going to do? I've never been so scared. And what about Edward? What if he doesn't forgive me for this? I can't lose him, Alice." I exclaimed. "Oh, sweetheart you aren't going to lose him. He's been worried sick about you. Trust me, he'll forgive you. I'm sorry you felt like you had no other option but, Bella, promise me if you feel that way again you'll call me. Or at least call someone, and talk about it. And you _have_ to take your medication, sweetie. It's not an option." She stated. She wiped my tears away, and gave me a watery smile. "I need to let your doctor know that you're awake, and Edward, too." She said after a few minutes of silence. I nodded, and sighed heavily. _Well, here goes nothing._

My doctor came in first. After talking with me for a few minutes he decided the restraints could be removed, and said that I'd be staying for seventy-two hours at least. They needed to make sure I wasn't a threat to myself before they'd release me. I completely understood, however, that didn't mean I had to like it. Rosalie, Jasper, and Emmett came in to see me for a short time. As did Carlisle and Esme, but no Edward. After everyone left Alice came back in to sit with me. The doctor had apparantly told her and Edward that I wasn't to be left alone, and if they didn't want to stay they'd have a member of the staff stay with me. I was glad Alice agreed to stay; I wasn't too keen on the idea of a stranger staying in my room with me for any length of time. We sat in silence for awhile before I finally couldn't take it anymore.

"Where's Edward?" I asked quietly. I was afraid he'd decided he couldn't handle my shit and had taken off. It would serve me right after the hell I'd put him through the last week or so. "I made him go home and clean up. He had your blood all over his clothes, but he'd refused to leave until you woke up. He wanted to come in and see you, but I told him you'd freak out over the blood." She explained with a small smile. She knew me so well. I hated the sight of blood. Which was sort of ironic given my recent tirades. We sat in silence after that, watching reruns of Friends on television. One of the nurses came in at some point to distribute my medication, and though I hated the idea of being on medication I took it anyway. I seriously had to change the way I'd been doing things if I wanted my relationship with Edward, or my life to improve. That meant taking the damn pills, and going to therapy. _Ugh_.

About an hour later Edward walked slowly into the room. He looked like shit. His eyes were red, swollen, and lifeless. There were dark circles under them as well, and he had a major five o'clock shadow going on. He looked as if he hadn't slept well in a very long time, which, come to think of it he probably hadn't. I felt even guiltier than I had earlier with Alice. This was my fault. _Fuck my life._ Tears sprung to my eyes and started falling rapidly the moment he sat besides me."I'm going to go down to the cafeteria, and give you two some privacy." Alice stated as she walked out. Edward immediately climbed into the bed, held me close, and cried right along with me. In that moment, I knew I would do whatever it took to make things better for us. He was my everything, and I could no longer bare to hurt him the way I had been. It was too much.

"I thought I lost you, love." He whispered after awhile. I wiped his tears away, and kissed his eyes softly. "I'm sorry, Edward. I wasn't thinking clearly. I'm so sorry." I whispered. "I'll forgive you, but on one condition." He stated quietly. "Anything." I replied. "You have to swear you will never do this to me again." He demanded gently. "I swear." I answered reverntly. "Things are going to get better, Edward. I promise you they will. I'm going to do everything I can to change, and get better." I explained. He nodded, and kissed me gently on the lips. "That's good, love. I'm glad to hear you finally say that." He replied.

"We can get through this, Edward. I know we can, but you can't do all the work yourself. I know I've said before that I would go to therapy, and do whatever I could to help, but this time I really mean it. I'll go to couple's therapy with you, but I also want to go to therapy on my own. I think it will help with some of the issues I'm having. And I'll take the damn pills, or whatever they want me to do. I just can't lose you." I stated as more tears welled up in my eyes.

"Don't cry, love. I'm not going anywhere. My life would have no purpose with you. I'd be lost without you. I can't lose you either so don't worry about me going anywhere. We can get through this, I agree with you on that, but it isn't going to be easy, love. It's going to take a lot of hard work, and dedication that we've never really had before. We just have to stick with it, but for now I want you to sleep." He explained quietly. I smiled and snuggled closer to him. He began humming my lullaby, and I swiftly fell into a quiet slumber.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. No matter how much I wish differently. *sigh* Oh well. Here's another chapter. Leave the love-or hate. Whichever. =] **

"Bella?"

I snapped my head up at the mention of my name. "Sorry what?" I asked, a bit embarassed. "I lost you there for a minute. Care to tell me where you went?" Jan, my therapist of three weeks, asked with a small smile. I sighed, and shook my head. "I'm not really sure. I hate this new medication; I always space out." I answered quietly. "Well, maybe we'll try something different. Is it helping the depression otherwise?" She asked. I nodded fervently. "I feel a tremendous difference on this medication, but like I said I space out." She nodded in understanding, and leaned forward in her chair. "Okay, we'll try something else. You can stop taking the Celexa today as long as you fill this new script. Let's try Zoloft at fifty miligrams to start with and see where that leads. The biggest thing for you to remember is that it can sometimes take time to figure out the right combination of medication to treat manic depression. I know it's hard, but just be patient, and we'll get there." She explained encouragingly.

"I get it, Jan, I really do. But, sometimes I just feel like giving up. You know? I feel like nothing is going to help, and I feel hopeless." I whispered. "It's completely normal to feel that way, Bella. But, like I said you have to be patient. And, you can't give up. Just remember all the people who are in your corner. You're very lucky to have such a big support system, and it's okay to rely on them sometimes. They may not understand everything, and they may not beable to help the way therapy does, but sometimes it's good to talk to other people besides me. They can offer support, and love." She replied. I swiped at a stray tear, and nodded. "It's hard to try and explain to them how I'm feeling at times. Especially Edward. He doesn't understand that even though I'm doing better most days, I still have days where it's hard to get out of bed." I explained. She nodded. "It's going to take some time for everyone, maybe especially Edward to get that, but I've met him. I know he loves you, and I know he'd do anything to help you in anyway he can. The best thing for you to do is keep talking to him. Don't shut him out just because he doesn't understand everything.

"And don't give up on him, or yourself. You have to be patient with yourself as well as everyone else, Bella. The days you don't feel like getting out of bed are the days you have to push yourself the hardest. If you stay in bed, and don't do anything at all you're letting the depression win. It's important not to do that. Last week we discussed taking up a hobby. Have you given that any more thought?" I nodded. "I used to play the piano when I was younger. We have a baby grand at home, but I haven't played in a long time. I've thought about taking that up again. Music used to be like therapy for me; maybe it would help." I stated thoughtfully. She smiled, and nodded in agreement. "Music is a great coping skill. Many of my patients use that as another form of therapy. I think it's a wonderful idea." She repsonded checking her watch. "Out of time?" I guessed. "For today. I'd like to see you next week, and you have my number if you need me sooner." She replied.

We said our goodbyes, and I scheduled my appointment for next week with her receptionist. I made my way outside, and lit up a ciggarette. I took a long drag as I began the three block walk to the pharmacy. From the first moment I met Jan in the hospital I liked her. She has a way of putting me at ease about everything. I don't feel like such a freak when I'm with her. I dropped my script off with the pharmacist, and made my way across the street to the coffee shop where Alice and I met every week after my appointment.

"Hey good looking!" Alice exclaimed as I sat down across from her. "You need your eyes checked." I greeted with a smile. She snorted and shook her head. "Edward would kill you if he heard you say that." She stated dryly. I rolled my eyes, and took a sip of the coffee she'd ordered for me. Cafe Mocha. _Yum-o._ "So, how'd it go today?" Alice asked after a few minutes of silence.

"As good as it gets I suppose. She took me off the Celexa, and is putting me on Zoloft. Hopefully I won't be feeling loopy tomorrow." I replied, nibbling on my nail. "Quit that!" She exclaimed, smacking at my hand. I glared at her, and kept nibbling. "I'm thinking about taking up the piano again. Jan says it would be good for me to take up a hobby, and I told her how I used to play. And, we have that piano at home that's been collecting dust." I stated with a small smile. Alice beamed at me. "That would be great, Bella! You know Edward would love that. You guys could play together like you used to before..it got bad." She trailed off. "It's okay, Alice. I know better than you how good it used to be, and how bad it got. Here's hoping our relationship gets better than it ever was before." I said, raising my coffee cup. Alice bumped her cup against mine, and we both smiled.

We sat and chit-chatted for another hour before she took me home. Edward was still teaching, but he'd be home before long, and I wanted to surprise him with dinner being made for a change. We'd been eating out so much lately it was a miracle we each hadn't gained fifty pounds. I decided on chicken parmesan, and gathered all the ingredients. Once I'd gotten it in the oven, I was left with nothing to do. I'd already cleaned the whole house, and done laundry the day before. I hated having nothing to do. That was when my thoughts ran wild, and I usually tended to get depressed thinking about everything. I sighed heavily, and decided to try the piano. That would at least give me something to do until Edward got home from work.

I ran my fingers lightly over the keys, and played a few random notes just to get myself reaquainted. After a few minutes, it was like I'd never quit playing. I was a little rusty, of course, stumbling here and there, but that was alright. At least I was playing again. I began playing bits and pieces of different songs before I settled on Adele's 'To make you feel my love.' I thought of Edward as I played and sang along.

_When the rain is blowing in your face_

_And the whole world is on your case_

_I could offer you a warm embrace_

_To make you feel my love_

_When the evening shadows and the stars appear_

_And there is no one there to dry your tears_

_I could hold you for a million years_

_To make you feel my love_

_I know you haven't made your mind up yet_

_But I would never do you wrong_

_I've known it from the moment that we met_

_No doubt in my mind where you belong_

_I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue_

_I'd go crawling down the avenue_

_No there's nothing that I wouldn't do_

_To make you feel my love_

_The storms are raging on the rolling sea_

_And on the highway of regret_

_The winds of change are blowing wild and free_

_You ain't seen nothing like me yet_

_I could make you happy, make your dreams come true_

_Nothing that I wouldn't do_

_Go to the ends of the earth for you_

_To make you feel my love_

_To make you feel my love_

I jumped at the sound of clapping, and turned to see Edward standing in the doorway. He was smiling and there were unshed tears shining in his eyes. I felt myself blushing, and turned back around. A few seconds later Edward was sitting next to me, with his arm around my waist. He kissed my hair, and sniffled. I leaned into him, and closed my eyes, inhaling his scent.

"I wasn't expecting an audience." I whispered after a few minutes. "It's good to hear you play. I've missed it." He stated quietly. "Jan thought it'd be good for me, and I agreed. I never knew how much I missed it." I explained. I felt him smile against my hair. "I'd almost forgotten how beautifully you sing. It's been a long time." He said. I sighed heavily and nodded. "Luckily for you I'll be doing a lot more of it. Or maybe unlucky for you." I joked. He chuckled, and got up. "Something smells good." He stated, pulling me off the bench. We made our way to the kitchen, and I pulled the chicken from the oven. As we ate I explained my session with Jan, and the changes in my medicine. We spent the rest of the evening talking, and watching movies. As we settled in to bed that night I couldn't help but think how truely lucky I was to have Edward in my life.

**A/N: Again thanks for the reviews, and adding the story to your alerts. I'm glad you're all liking it. =] The song in this chapter did not help inspire this story, but I thought it was good fit for Bella and Edward. Let me know what you think! **


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. No matter how much I wish differently. I'd really appreciate some reviews! Oh-and thank you so much for continuing to add my story to your favs/alerts. =]**

I loved staring at Edward. Especially while he was asleep. I had a pretty awful dream, and had woken up about an hour ago. I was relatively calm now, but I couldn't fall back asleep. Sleep was overrated anyhow. I could stay awake watching Edward sleep forever. I had to pee, but I was entangled with said sleeping boyfriend. If I moved I'd wake him up, and I just didn't have the heart to do that. He looked so peaceful, and content. Neither of us had been getting very restful sleep lately, and I knew that was my fault. He was still afraid to leave me alone. Fearful of what I might do to myself, though I'd tried reassuring him I had no intentions of self mutilation. He didn't believe me. _Go fucking figure._ Oh well, what did I expect? It had barely been a month since my somewhat suicidal attempt. I still wasn't really sure I was trying to commit suicide, but every time I tried explaining that to Edward he just gave me the 'yeah right' look. Or, he said 'Bella, you don't slice your wrists open unless your trying to kill yourself.' I could have argued that people who cut aren't trying to kill themselves, but I figured that would open a whole new can of worms that I'd rather leave closed.

I heard Edward's phone chirp from the kitchen, and that solidified my decision to get up and pee. I carefully extricated myself from Edward, and made my way to the bathroom. After taking care of business, and washing my hands I made my way to the kitchen. I picked up Edward's phone and saw that it was a text.

_Had a great time the other night. ;] Hope we can do it again soon.-Tanya_

.Fuck. The extremely furious side of me wanted to go pounce on Edward, and beat the ever living shit out of him until he confessed to whatever was going on. However, the more rational side of me that had been rearing it's ugly head lately decided against it. I stood there for a few minutes in a state of shock, trying to fight off the anger. I counted to ten, and when that didn't work I decided to smoke a ciggarette. Three ciggarettes later I was still murderously angry, and getting angrier by the second. I checked the time on Edward's phone, and saw that it was nearing two a.m. I went into the laundry room, got dressed, grabbed my purse and left. I walked down to the gas station, and grabbed two twelve packs of beer. I smoked two more ciggarettes on my walk back to the apartment. Once back inside, I put my pajamas back on, plopped on the couch, and popped a beer open.

Granted it wasn't the smartest choice given the medication I was on, but right then I didn't give a fuck. It was better than beating the shit out of my boyfriend. Not that I still wouldn't after I was sufficiently drunk, but I'd cross that bridge when I came to it. I downed the first beer, grabbed another and did the same. He had told me not so long ago that he hadn't talked to Tanya in two months. That was about three months ago..so that would make it five months since he supposedly talked to her. So, why the fuck was she sending a text to him talking about the other night? And what night exactly was she referring to? We hadn't spent a night apart since I was in the hospital a month ago, and he had never left my side. I opened another beer, and sighed heavily. I couldn't deal with this on my own. I went to the kitchen and grabbed my phone. I dialed Alice's number, and waited patiently for her to answer.

"Bella, it's two-thirty in the morning. This better be good." She greeted sleepily.

"I think Edward is cheating on me." I blurted out, taking a long drink. "What?" She shreiked into the phone. I explained the text message, finished the third beer, and grabbed another one. "Have you talked to him about this?" She asked after a few minutes of stunned silence.

"No, I was afraid I'd kill him if I woke him up." I replied quietly. _And cue the crickets._ "Alice?" I questioned after three long minutes of silence. "Bella, I'm sorry. I'm just..shocked. Normally you'd kill him first and ask questions later." She finally answered. I sighed, and took a drink. "I know, Alice. It's the damn therapy and medicine. It's making me normal." I sneered. She laughed. "That's a good thing, Bella. I don't think he's cheating on you sweetheart. You need to talk to him about it." She stated simply. I chugged my beer, and opened another one.

"Bella, are you drinking?" She asked. I took a long drink. "No." I said hesitantly. "Bella! You can't drink with that medication! Stop it right now!" She chastised. I scrunched my nose up, and sighed. "It's the only thing keeping me from going in there and killing your brother." I said dryly.

"Do I need to come over?" She asked. "No!" I exclaimed, a little too loudly. I took another drink, and hoped like hell I hadn't woken Edward up. "Stop drinking, and go to bed. Talk to Edward in the morning." She demanded. "I can't sleep." I whined. "Bella." She warned. I finished another beer, and grabbed another one. "I'm fine, Alice." I slurred. She snorted. "You are so not fine. I'm coming over." She stated, hanging up on me. I stuck my tongue out at the phone, and dropped it on the couch.

"Bella? What are you doing?" Edward mumbled sleepily from the hallway. I narrowed my eyes at him as he came stumbling into the living room. "Go back to bed, Edward." I sneered, taking another drink. His eyes widened as he realized what I was drinking. "Isabella Marie. You should not be drinking!" He yelled walking towards me. I grabbed my beer, and jumped off the couch. As he got closer, I backed further up.

"Stay back, Edward. I'm warning you." I threatened. I had actually started to calm down, due to the liquor in my system, but seeing him was dredging all the anger back up. "Bella, come on. I'm not joking around. Put the beer down." He stated angrily. "No." I snapped, taking another drink. I hit the wall, and turned so I could continue backing away from him.

"Bella, give me the beer." He demanded. I shook my head no furiously as he came towards me. "Give it here, Bella." He stated holding his hand out. I stopped in my tracks, and threw the bottle at him. "Son of a bitch!" He yelled, jumping back to avoid being hit. "What the hell, Bella? What's going on?" He demanded. I crossed my arms over my chest, and sighed. "Go check your phone. You have an interesting text message on there. It's from your other girlfriend." I sneered. He visibly paled, and walked into the kitchen. I heard him utter a string of profanities, and took that as a sign that he had in fact been seeing Tanya. As tears gathered in my eyes, I walked to the bedroom.

I went to the closet, and put on a pair of jeans, and a long sleeve t-shirt. Then, I grabbed my suitcase, and started packing. I knew he had had a relationship with Tanya, but as far as I knew it had only been while we were seperated. Like my relationship with Jacob. Him cheating on me was a different matter entirely, and I wasn't going to put up with it. And I didn't think I could get over it either. Short of killing Edward, leaving was my only option. I heard Edward enter the bedroom, but ignored him.

"So that's it then? You aren't even going to let me explain? You're just gonna leave?" He asked angrily, blocking the doorway of my closet. I swiped angrily at the tears that began falling, and shook my head. "What's there to explain, Edward? You want to see her? Fine. See her. I'm not going to sit around, and pretend I'm okay with it." I replied quietly. "It's not like that, Bella." He stated quickly. I zipped up my suitcase, and tried to get around him. He grabbed my suitcase, and threw it against the wall of the closet. "You aren't leaving." He said angrily. I snorted, and shook my head. "Move." I demanded. "Make me." He challenged. "Don't fuck with me, Edward. Move." I demanded more forcefully. He crossed his arms over his chest, and glared down at me. I smacked him. When I went to smack him again, he grabbed my hand.

"Don't do this, Bella." He pleaded. I used my other hand to smack him instead, and pushed against him. "Get the fuck out of my way!" I yelled, pushing against him with everything I had. He grabbed my shoulders, and shook me roughly. "Knock it off! You need to calm down!" He yelled back. I kneed him the crotch and watched as he bent forward, groaning in pain. I grabbed my suitcase, and walked past him. Alice should be here soon, and if she wasn't I'd walk to the gas station, and call Carlisle. I was almost to the living room when Edward grabbed my shoulder, and jerked me around. "I said you aren't leaving." He said threateningly.

I dropped my suitcase, and punched him as hard as I could in the stomach. He smacked me. _That's more like it._ I punched him again in the face, and almost smiled when he clenched his fists. How sad was it that I had actually missed this? It took away from the depression, and I welcomed anything that would take away from that. I punched him twice more before he fought back, punching me in my left eye. I fell back, and hit the wall. I was seeing spots again, but I didn't care. I bent forward on my knees, and starting laughing. My face fucking hurt. I slid to the floor, and starting crying. I heard Edward sigh, and felt him sit next to me.

"I'm not cheating on you, love. I ran into Tanya the other night when I went to the grocery store. I talked to her for maybe two minutes, and left." He explained quietly. I could feel my eye swelling shut, and I decided to keep my head down. "Why would she send that text, Edward?" I muttered. "Because she knows how volatile our relationship can be, and she wanted this to happen. She thinks I'll leave you for her. It would never happen, Bella." He replied ferverntly. I nodded slowly, and looked up at the ceiling. My eye was almost swollen shut.

"Shit." Edward muttered, turning my head to inspect the damage he had done. He went to the kitchen, and came back with an ice pack. I hissed in pain as he placed it gently on my face. He looked at me with unshed tears in his eyes. "I can't do this anymore, Bella." He whispered. I swallowed hard, and fought to hold back the tears. I jumped at the knock on the door. "That's Alice." I whispered. He nodded, and got up to answer the door. Alice came in, and gasped as she saw the state I was in.

"I thought this was over, Edward." She hissed. "It is." He stated, grabbing my suitcase. He placed it in front of the door, and came to help me up. He kissed me lightly, and walked me to the door. "Take her to Carlisle's, and tell him I'll be by tomorrow to talk." He stated, walking back to the bedroom. I stood there for a few minutes, crying quietly, debating. I know I was about to leave, but that was when I thought he cheated on me. I didn't want this to be over. I needed him. I loved him.

"Come on, Bella. Let's get you to Carlisle's." Alice stated quietly, taking my hand. I walked with her to the door, and grabbed my suitcase. I stood there for a few more seconds, and then walked out, closing the door behind me.

**A/N: Song for this chapter-"Take it all" Adele. Hard chapter to write, but tis necessary. =[ Reviews make me happy. Please?**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. Some more people have added my story to their alerts & favs..thanks for that! And for the reviews! **

I didn't sleep well that night. I barely slept at all actually. Edward and I had been together for four years, the last two we never spent a single night apart. How was I supposed to sleep without him? Hell, how was I supposed to do anything without him? I had to fix this. I _had_ to fix this. We belong together. Period. I knew that Edward knew that, but how could I make him remember that? It wasn't going to be easy that was for sure. With a heavy sigh I forced myself out of bed, and into the bathroom to complete my morning routine. Once I was presentable, I made my way downstairs to the kitchen, and took my medicine. I liked the Zoloft. I felt better than I had with the other one, and I didn't feel loopy.

"Good morning, Bella." Esme greeted with a smile. "Morning." I replied quietly. I poured myself a cup of coffee, and sat at the island. "Edward called a few minutes ago. He'll be over shortly. Said he wanted to talk to you and Carlisle." She stated. I closed the eye that wasn't still swollen, and took a deep breath in and out. I could do this. Maybe. Carlisle walked into the kitchen whistling, with a newspaper folded under one arm. I smiled at him, and he smiled back before coming to inspect my eye. "I think we'll go to the hospital after Edward leaves. I'd like to get an x-ray of your face. Just to make sure there isn't a broken bone." He stated quietly. I nodded in agreement, biting my lip. I hated hospitals, but my face hurt like a bitch. I'd rather be on the safe side than risk a bone healing the wrong way and being in pain for the rest of my life.

"I'm sorry for showing up so late last night, and I'm sorry for dragging you into our mess." I apologized quietly. Esme snorted, and Carlisle waved a hand through the air. "Please, Bella. You're family. You know we'd do absolutely anything for you. I just wish you had let us help you sooner." Esme replied. "Even so, Edward is your son. I hate that this is putting him in a bad light with you both. It isn't his fault." I explained. "Yes, it is." Carlisle answered harshly.

"No, Carlisle. You're wrong. It's entirely my fault, and I intend to make it right. Please don't be angry with Edward. I caused this." I argued. "Bella, please. Edward knows better than to put his hands on a woman for any reason." Esme stated softly. "It wasn't without provocation." I retorted. "Still. He knows better." She replied. I sighed, and fought back tears. I didn't know how to make them understand any of this. I didn't want them to be angry with Edward for something I had done. I took my coffee, and walked out to the front yard to have a smoke before Edward got there. I wanted to try and talk to him before he went inside anyway.

By the time I finished two cigarettes Edward was pulling into the driveway. I sighed again, and stood up, running my hands through my hair nervously. By the time he got out and walked up to me, I was shaking like a leaf. It felt so strange to be nervous around him. I don't recall ever feeling nervous with Edward. Not even the first time I met him. He looked like hell. I imagine he didn't sleep well last night either. He looked me up and down, stopping a moment too long to stare at my eye. I knew he felt guilty, and no matter what I said right now it wouldn't make it any better for him.

"Hey." I greeted with a small smile. He shot me a small smile that didn't reach his eyes, and brushed a stray lock of hair away from my face. "How are you?" He asked after a minute of awkward silence. There was another first for us. Never had a silence been awkward between us. "Not the greatest." I replied honestly. "Been taking your medicine?" He asked. I snorted, and shook my head. "It has nothing to do with my depression." I replied a bit harshly. "Bella." He sighed. He stepped forward, and brushed his lips against mine. I pulled away quickly, and shook my head. "If we aren't together you don't get to do that anymore." I snapped. He grabbed my face in between his hands, and stared into my eyes. "We are very much together, Bella." He said fiercely. I fought against the tears that were threatening to spill over, and tried to pull away to no avail. He wouldn't let go of my face.

"You said last night that you couldn't do this anymore." I mumbled. "I was angry, and hurt, and feeling guilty. I know what I said, but I didn't mean it. I love you, Isabella. I can't be without you." He breathed. "But, I think you should stay with my parents for awhile. I don't think living together is very good idea right now." He explained. I sighed, but nodded in agreement. "You're right. It isn't. But, if this is about Tanya I'll-"

"It's not about Tanya. I don't give a fuck about Tanya. It's about you and me." He stated, cutting me off. "We need to continue therapy, and work on the issues that we have, and obviously we can't do that living together." He explained quickly. "Okay." I whispered. He kissed me fiercely, and pulled me into a tight hug. After several minutes we broke apart and linking hands, headed into the house. We walked into the kitchen where Esme and Carlisle were sitting, waiting for us. Esme smiled when she saw us holding hands, Carlisle grimaced. He wasn't going to make this easy for us, but I couldn't really blame him. Not after everything we'd pulled.

"Bella and I have agreed that living together isn't feasible right now, and if you're alright with it she'd like to stay here. We both understand the seriousness of our situation, and while we know you aren't happy with us, we'd very much appreciate your support." Edward explained calmly. After several minutes of silence, Carlisle finally spoke up. "You have our support under a few conditions. The first being there is to be absolutely no arguments in this house. The second being there are no sleepovers until we all sit down and discuss the pros and cons. And, lastly, Edward, you must go through anger management classes, and Bella, you must continue going to therapy." He stated in a tone of finality. Edward and I thought about it for a few minutes, and we both agreed to their conditions.

I could tell that Edward wasn't very happy about going through anger management, but he didn't disagree which I was very thankful for. Then again, I shouldn't be surprised. He'd always done everything he could for me, and our relationship. Once that conversation was over with, we all sat and talked about trivial things for a few hours before left to head home. I hated seeing him go, but I knew in my heart that we were doing the right thing.

**A/N: Song for this chapter-"Breath"-Breaking Benjamin. Reviews please?**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. **

"Good morning, Bella." Jan greeted with a smile. I smiled in return, and sat down across from her on the big comfy couch. I loved, and hated this place. I loved Jan for making me feel normal when everything about me and my life screamed otherwise, but I hated it because I wouldn't be here if everything were normal. And she made me talk about my life. I absolutely despised talking about my past. It was in the past for a reason. I said as much on my first visit, and Jan so intelligently replied if it was in the past I wouldn't be here. _Score one for the therapist._ "So, how was your week?" Jan asked after we were settled into our respective places. I sighed heavily, and shook my head.

"I'm no longer living with Edward, but we're still together... sort of." I answered quietly. She nodded, and waited. "We had a huge fight a couple nights ago. I found a text from his used to be fuck buddy, and assumed he was cheating on me. Instead of waking him to talk about it, I decided the best course of action was to get drunk. He woke up and found me drinking, and we got into a bit of a scuffle. Hence the eye." I explained, pointing to my slowly healing eye. It wasn't as swollen today. I could _almost_ see out of it. "After our little tiff he explained the thing with Tanya, and said he couldn't do this anymore. I moved in with his parents that same night." I continued quietly. I was pretty ashamed of my behavior, especially with Jan. I knew she expected better out of me, and up until the other night I had been giving her the best. Now it felt as if I were starting over from scratch. Maybe in a way I was.

"How was your parent's relationship?" She asked, sitting back in her chair. I sat Indian style on the couch, and leaned back against it, and sighed. "You mean did I learn this behavior from them?" I retorted, quirking a brow at her. She smiled, and nodded in reply. "Well, they were drug addicts. So, when they were high they were as loving as they knew how to be, and everything was pretty much great. When they needed a fix, they sucked. They were mean to each other, and to me. They were violent with each other, and with me. So, yeah I guess I learned everything from them." I explained. "Have you had a drug problem?" She questioned. I nodded. "I ran away when I was sixteen, and lived with some friends. They were potheads, and did pills occasionally. I picked up the pill habit from them. Actually Edward helped me get into rehab when we first met." I replied.

"And is that when you two started dating?" I shook my head no. "I met Alice and Edward when I was a senior in high school. I was eighteen. We didn't start dating until I turned twenty-one." I explained. She nodded in understanding, and asked, "So when did things start going south for you and Edward?" I bit my lip, and shook my head. "It was about two years ago. I had just turned twenty-three, and we were both drinking. I wanted to go get some pills, and Edward wouldn't let me. That was the first time I hit him, and it just escalated from there." I stated. I was crying by the time I'd finished, and Jan handed me a Kleenex.

"Are you still angry with him for not letting you relapse?" She asked after a few minutes of my silent crying. "Hell no. I'm grateful to him for not letting me. I'm angry with myself for _wanting_ to relapse. For wanting to be like my parents when I saw every day for sixteen years what drugs do to you. How could I choose a life like that? I'm still choosing a life like that, even without the drugs, and I'm _so_ angry with myself for that. But, I just… I don't know how to change it. I don't know what to do." I replied fervently.

"Well, you're taking the first step by being here, Bella. You're here, and you're trying. That's important for you to remember." She stated. I snorted. "I'm going to be twenty-six in less than ten days. It's taken ten years for me to get to this point in my life. Why has it taken me so long?" I demanded, swiping angrily at the tears that were still falling. "Bella, it's different for everyone, but for you it's taken this long because you've never sought help before. A part of you is still that sixteen year old little girl, forced to watch your parents self destruct. You're still back there most days, and that's going to take time to get over. You haven't let yourself deal with any of it." She explained, handing me another Kleenex. "I just don't understand why it took two years with Edward before this side of me came out. That doesn't make sense to me." I cried. "Sometimes it takes a trigger for aggressive behavior to push forward. Especially if you aren't normally an aggressive person, and I don't believe you're truly aggressive. For you, the trigger was when Edward wouldn't let you use. It isn't important as to when it happened; the point is that it would have happened eventually.

"You've had all of these emotions bottled up for so long they would have eventually found a way out. Like I said, you're here. That's the most important thing to remember. What happened the other night with Edward was a result of bad decisions. You learn from it, and you move on. To be perfectly honest, it's probably for the best that you two aren't living together anymore. It'll be a hell of a lot harder to get into those fights when you're in public, or at someone else's home. It'll force you to stop and assess the situation, and really think about what's happening, or what you're feeling and why. It'll help you figure out a healthier way to deal with the problem at hand." She explained. I nodded in understand, and then started sobbing. "I'm just… so scared." I sobbed, holding my head in my hands. "What if… what if it… it doesn't work out? I don't know what I'd do… without Edward." I continued sobbing. "And, what if… what if this therapy and medica… tion doesn't work either?" I hiccupped.

She waited until my sobs had quieted, and I was somewhat under control before speaking. "It's perfectly natural to be afraid, Bella. You just have to remember that you are here, and that's the most important thing for you. You're here, and you're trying. You can't go through your life wondering what if. When you feel down, and you're feeling afraid just remember that you're trying. Don't take away from that. You keep coming every week, or more if you need to. You take your medication, and you play the piano, and do what ever else helps. You don't give up. Take it one day at a time just like you did in rehab. You'll get through this just like you did your addiction." She explained quietly. I nodded in understanding, and sat there for awhile trying to collect myself. "We're out of time for the day, but I don't have another appointment for an hour. Would you like to stay a little longer today?" Jan asked after a few minutes.

"No, thank you. I'll be fine." I replied quietly. "Do you need come back a few days or does a week still work for you?" She asked. "A week is fine. Thanks, Jan." I stated, getting up. I scheduled my appointment with the receptionist, and walked to the café to meet Alice. I really wanted Edward, but he was working. Alice was still a great second best though. I found Alice sitting in our usual place, and went to join her.

"You've been crying. Everything okay?" She asked in greeting. I gave her a small smile, and nodded. "Hard session with Jan, but at least this time it isn't because I'm depressed." I joked. She smiled, and patted my back. "Well, you're fixing to be a happy camper. Edward has a surprise for you, and I get to dress you up." She stated, jumping up and down in her seat. I groaned, but with a smile on my face. We sat there for a little over an hour before heading back to Esme and Carlisle's house to get me all dolled up for my date with Edward. At least, I assumed it was a date. I hated surprises.

**A/N: somewhat of a filler chapter. Some background on Bella that was long over due. Sorry about that guys. =] Please leave me some love! **


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What does belong to me is a kickin' mp3 player with all my favorite music! Here's some much needed fluff! Enjoy! =] P.S-since I forgot song for last chapter was "Sick of it all"-Finger Eleven. Song for this chapter-"Fall for you"-Secondhand Seranade**

By the time Edward had arrived at Carlisle's I had been transformed into something beautiful. I wasn't completely self loathing, but I knew I was more ordinary and plain than beautiful. With Alice's help that had changed, and I was grateful. My hair was curled loosely around my face, I had some light make up on, and I was wearing a gray A-line skirt, with a royal blue long sleeved blouse. I looked pretty hot if I did say so myself. If I looked beautiful there were no words for how Edward looked. He was dressed in a pair of black dress slacks, and a gray pullover sweater with a white shirt underneath. His hair was in sexy disarray, and it took all I could not to jump him the minute I saw him. I realized with that thought that it had been way too long since I had in fact jumped Edward. We'd just have to see about rectifying that tonight.

"You look absolutely stunning, Bella." Edward greeted as I walked towards him. I smiled widely, and gestured to him with my hands. "So do you. You realize we're going to be sweating by the end of the night though. I mean, it's only September, and it was pretty hot today." I replied nervously. _Again with the nerves? Seriously?_ He chuckled, and shook his head. "I wouldn't bet against Alice for anything in the world." He stated, still smiling. I nodded in understanding, and took his outstretched hand. "I won't keep her out too late, Carlisle." Edward stated, pulling me towards the door. "Have fun you two." Esme called as we walked out.

"Where are we going?" I asked as we headed towards the highway. "Nothing fancy. Dinner and a movie in Port Angeles. Sound alright?" Edward replied, giving me a sideways glance. "Sounds perfect." I replied quietly. We made small talk for the rest of the ride, and I spent most of it laughing nervously. At least I had figured out why I was so nervous. I was afraid to be alone with Edward anymore. Afraid of what might happen should we start arguing. _Pull it together, Bella. This is Edward for crying out loud._ No matter how many times I told myself that I just couldn't calm down. It was utterly ridiculous.

We pulled into the parking lot of my favorite Italian restaurant, and I sighed in content. He knew me so well it was scary sometimes. "How did you know I'd be in the mood for Italian?" I asked with a smile. "You're always in the mood for Italian, Bella." He joked. We went inside, and though I expected a wait, we were led to a private area of the restaurant immediately. We ordered our drinks, and waited for the waitress to return in silence. I was staring at Edward, and noticed he looked quite nervous himself. He was staring at the table, fidgeting with his shirt, and he kept clearing his throat. I thought of the last time we were out on a date, and grimaced. _Of course he'd be nervous. The last time we went out you flipped out on him idiot._ I sighed heavily, and took his hands in mine.

"You can look around the restaurant, Edward. I promise not to get belligerent on you." I stated, grinning widely. "I have no idea what you're talking about. I just don't want to go blind from seeing another waitress's behind." He joked. I laughed out loud, and shook my head. After a few moments, I managed to calm down, and noticed Edward staring at me. "What?" I breathed. "Nothing. It's just good to see you laughing. It's been awhile." He replied. At that moment the waitress returned to take our orders, and we decided to split the mushroom ravioli. I was grateful he had suggested that; my nerves wouldn't allow me to eat too much.

"I miss you, love." Edward said quietly. I looked into his eyes, and tried to give him a reassuring smile. "I know. I miss you, too, but its better this way. At least for awhile." I replied. He nodded in agreement, and sighed heavily. "How was your appointment today?" He asked. I groaned, and took a sip of my coke. "That good huh?" He joked. I snorted, and rolled my eyes. "She made me talk about my parents for a bit, and then she made me cry. Not the greatest visit I've had, but its okay. I needed to do it eventually." I answered. "Cry?" He asked. I smiled. "That, too." I replied. The waitress brought our food back, and we ate in silence.

Once we had finished, Edward paid for our meal, and we walked the two blocks down to the movie theater. "Alice was right I suppose." I stated as I shivered slightly. For September it was pretty chilly tonight. Edward laughed. "I told you I wouldn't bet against Alice. Should we stop and get you a jacket?" He asked, his tone laced with concern. "No, I'll be alright." I replied. As we reached the movie theater we decided on a comedy, and sat through the two hour movie holding hands and cuddling as close as we could.

It was a nice date night. It was definitely going better than our last one. _Keep it up, Swan._ Once the movie was finished, we walked back to the car in a content silence. "Ready to go home?" Edward asked, pulling onto the highway. I sighed, and shook my head. He smiled widely. "I was hoping you'd say that." I laughed, and grabbed his hand. He drove back to our apartment, and held my hand as we ascended up the steps. Once inside, he locked the door, and pushed me against it.

He kissed me softly on the cheek before capturing my lips between his roughly. "I've really missed you." He whispered. I smiled into his lips, sighing happily. "I've really missed you, too." I whispered back. He pulled his sweater and t-shirt off, and started unbuttoning my blouse leaving a trail of hot kisses along my face and neck. I groaned in pleasure, and unbuckled his pants. He stepped out of them, and unzipped my skirt. I kicked it across the room, and planted a trail of wet kisses along his chest and stomach. _Oh, yes. _It had been way too long. I hooked my fingers along the edges of his boxers and roughly pulled them down. I ran my tongue across his hips, and slowly licked my way down to his awaiting erection.

He moaned loudly as I slipped his cock into my mouth and began pumping quickly back and forth. He fisted his hand into my hair, and pulled at it roughly as I sucked faster. "God, Bella. Don't stop." He breathed as I scraped my teeth along his shaft. I grabbed his tight ass and dug my nails into his skin as I relaxed my jaw, and took him further into my mouth. He groaned in pleasure, and thrust his hips in rhythm with my sucking. A moment later I felt his cock twitch and lapped up the stream of salty hot liquid pouring into my mouth. He tasted better than I remembered. I released his member with a soft pop, and stood up with a smile on my face. He pushed me gently against the door, and kissed me roughly. I moaned in pleasure before pushing him away. He gave me a confused expression before I grabbed his hand and led him to the bedroom.

"The last time we fucked against the door. I want to make love to my boyfriend in our bed." I explained pushing him back onto the bed. He smiled, and scooted back against the headboard. I unhooked my bra, and slid it off. Then, I slowly removed my panties, stepped out of them, and climbed onto the bed to straddle Edward. I stared lovingly into his eyes as I slowly lowered myself onto his hardened cock. We both groaned at the sensation of being connected so intimately after such a long period of time. "Fuck that feels amazing." He whispered as I began riding him slowly up and down. He met each of my thrusts with one of his own, and before long we had a nice steady rhythm going.

I leaned down, and kissed him passionately as I felt the hot coil of tension in my stomach grow, and began riding him faster and faster until at last I screamed out in pleasure at the same moment Edward spilled into me. _Thank God for birth control._ I collapsed on top of him in a sweaty heap, and laid there for a few minutes as we both tried to catch our breath. After several minutes, I finally forced myself to roll over and lay next to him. Edward whimpered at the loss of me, and I smiled. I was perfectly content to lay there all night, curled up with my love, but my addiction for nicotine was rearing its ugly head. With a sigh I got up and padded in all my naked glory to the living room to retrieve my cigarettes. I lit one up, went back into the bedroom, and cracked a window.

"You should really quit that you know." Edward stated with a small smile. I grinned at him, and nodded. "Yeah, I know, but I would probably kill everyone around me if I did." I replied with a laugh. He chuckled and nodded in agreement. I finished my cigarette, and climbed back into bed, cuddling up close with Edward. I inhaled his intoxicating scent, and closed my eyes. "Don't get too comfortable, love. I've got to take you home soon. I promised Carlisle I wouldn't keep you out late remember?" He stated quietly. I groaned and sat up. "I could just stay." I suggested, waggling my eyebrows at him. He chuckled, but shook his head no. "We made an agreement with Esme and Carlisle, love. No sleep-overs unless previously discussed and agreed upon." He informed me. I sighed heavily, and got out of bed. "Wanna take a shower with me before we go?" I asked with smiling widely. He laughed, and jumped out of bed, following me to the bathroom.

After the shower I was a little sore, but completely satisfied from our second round of love making. I was thankful I hadn't taken all of my clothes with me when I left; I really didn't want to put that skirt back on. I settled for a pair of yoga pants, and long sleeved t-shirt, and pulled my hair into a messy bun. I had to wear the heels home, but that was okay. It was only across town. "I had a lovely time tonight." Edward stated as we pulled up to my secondary home. "Me, too." I replied with a smile.

"What are your plans for tomorrow?" He asked, delaying the inevitable. "I suppose I should look for another job." I answered thoughtfully. The Newton's were understanding with my ordeal, but given how long I'd been off they had been forced to replace me at the store. "Are you ready for that?" Edward asked quietly. I shrugged my shoulders, and sighed. "I don't know, but I hate just sitting around the house doing nothing. Even if I don't find something right away I'll feel better knowing I've been looking." I explained. He nodded in understanding, and kissed my knuckles. I sighed again, and opened the car door. "Time to go inside." I muttered. He flashed me his crooked grin, and kissed me softly on the lips. "I love you." He breathed. "Love you, too." I replied, and got out. Carlisle and Esme were already in bed, though it was only just after ten o'clock. I decided to turn in early as well. I would need all my strength tomorrow while job hunting. As I climbed into bed that night I just kept thinking about Edward. Living apart sucked.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What does belong to me is the crap load of laundry I've been avoiding like the plague for the last couple of days. :/ Please enjoy this chapter while I go tend to the mountain. =] **

I awoke the next morning earlier than I would've liked, but if I was going to find another job it wouldn't do me any good to sleep in. I took a quick shower, and changed into a pair of jeans and one of Edward's old Harvard t-shirts. I brushed through my hair quickly and decide to let it air dry and hang loosely around my face. I didn't see the point in dressing up just to go fill out applications all day. I'd rather be comfortable, first impressions be damned. I headed down to the kitchen and poured myself a large cup of coffee. I made myself a bagel, and sat at the island to eat. As I was finishing up Esme walked into the kitchen whistling. I smiled.

"Good morning mom." I greeted. "You're up early today." She said in reply. "I figured I should look for another job, and I need to refill my prescription. I need to borrow a car if that's alright." I explained, taking a large bite of my bagel. She smiled. "Of course, take mine. I won't be getting out today. Are you sure you're ready to go back to work?" She asked, concern lacing her words. I swallowed my bite, and took a drink of coffee. "As ready as I'll ever be I suppose. I need to do something besides sit around the house all the time. Is Carlisle still here? I'd like to talk to you both about something." I responded. I'd been thinking about my birthday, and all I really wanted was to spend the night with Edward. We'd only been living apart for a matter of days and already I missed him more than words could say.

Before she could reply, Carlisle came waltzing into the kitchen also whistling. _Looks like I'm not the only one who got lucky last night._ He ruffled my hair, and kissed Esme lightly on the cheek. I smiled. It was always nice to see them act so affectionately towards each other given how I'd grown up. It was a sweet reminder that not every household was like mine. "What's on your mind, Bella?" Esme asked, pulling me from my thoughts. I took a deep breath, and turned to face them. "You know my birthday is in a few days, and I've been thinking how I'd like to spend it." I started nervously. "Let me guess. With Edward?" Carlisle asked with a sigh. I bit my lip, and nodded.

It was quiet for several moments which only made me more nervous. I had no idea why, I mean, if they didn't like the idea I could always just move back in with Edward. But, I didn't think we were ready for that just yet, and I really had no where else to go. I couldn't move in with Alice and Jasper; they'd only been living together for just over a few months as it was. "Isn't it a little soon for that, Bella?" Esme asked quietly.

"I don't want to move back in with him right now. I'm only asking for one night." I whispered. "I understand that, but I just… I don't know, Bella. It seems a bit premature to think you two are ready for even one night alone." Carlisle explained. I glared at the floor. "We just spent the entire evening along last night, and it went great. And, I've been doing really well with this medication, and I'm confident that I could handle an argument much better than I used to." I replied. "Are you expecting an argument?" Carlisle retorted. "No! I'm just saying I could handle the situation differently should one happen!" I exclaimed angrily. Carlisle raised his hands in the air as if surrendering. "Calm down, Bella. I just want to make sure you've thought this through. You're a grown woman. Frankly, we can't tell you what to do. I just don't want you to regret this later on." He explained

I took two deep breaths, and stared him in the eye. "I have thought this through, and I'm not going to regret it. I'm only asking for one night. It won't be a regular occurrence for awhile." I replied a bit more calmly. It was quiet again as Carlisle thought it over. I took the opportunity to finish my bagel, and my coffee, and got up to rinse my dishes. Esme took them from me saying she could do the dishes, and pushed me away gently. "Alright, Bella. As long as this isn't a regular thing I don't see the harm in one night, but please don't fall back into old habits. That's all I'm saying." Carlisle stated quietly. I hugged him tightly, and smiled widely. "Thanks for understanding." I whispered into his ear. He hugged me back for a moment before pulling away muttering about getting ready for work.

Speaking of work. "I'd better get going, too. I want to hit as many places today as I can before Edward gets off work." I stated, grabbing Esme's car keys off the hook, and kissing her lightly on the cheek. "Good luck!" She called as I was walking out to the garage. I climbed into Esme's Mercedes, and adjusted the seat and mirrors before backing out of the driveway. It felt weird to be driving a car. The apartment Edward and I shared was in town, and in the middle of everything I could need. We had Edward's car, but I preferred to walk when I was that close to everything. Besides, Edward taught at a middle school in Port Angeles anyway so he needed the car more than I did.

Driving into town I decided to hit the pharmacy first to refill my medicine, and walk to the shops for applications. If it started raining (which it was known to do at any given moment) I could walk back to the car, and head home. A little rain never hurt anything anyway, well, except for my hair maybe. I walked into the pharmacy, and headed back to drop my script off and do get some necessary things for home while I waited. "Hey, Bella." Angela greeted, taking my script. I smiled. "How are you, Ang?" I asked. "I'm really good! How are you?" She replied, typing my information into the computer.

"I'm doing better actually. I'm out looking for a job today." I answered cheerfully. "Oh, that's so great. Hey, we're looking for a cashier. You should apply." She stated. "Oh, really? Yeah, I think I will. Thanks, Angela." I replied. "No problem. This will be ready in about fifteen minutes." She said with a smile. I nodded, and walked away to do my shopping. I turned down an aisle, and slammed into a hard muscled chest. I heard Jacob's laughter, and cringed internally. I so did not want to see him right now. I'd been doing a pretty good job of avoiding him until now. _Damn it all to hell._

"Hey there, Bella. Long time no see." Jake greeted with a grin. "Hey, Jake. Sorry, I've been busy." I lied. I really hated lying, but it wasn't so hard to lie to Jacob. Especially when I had no interest in fucking him any time soon. Once we had turned down that road, it was all he seemed to be interested in. Screw the six year friendship we'd had before that. _Jerk._ "S'okay. Hey, what are you doing now? We could hang out for a bit." He suggested. I wanted to roll my eyes, but managed to control myself at the last minute. "Sorry, Jake. I'm just waiting for a prescription, and then I'm job hunting until Edward gets off work." I replied. "Oh, I see. You're back with him, huh? Well, so what? We could still hang out ya know." He stated, putting an arm around my shoulders. I shrugged him off, and backed away a couple of steps.

"Not a good idea Jacob. We always end up fucking when we hang out." I snapped. He had never known when to take a hint, and I didn't have the patience today. "So?" He questioned, looking genuinely confused. I did roll my eyes at that. "_So_, I'm with Edward now. He loves me, and I love him. I'm not a cheater, Jake." I snapped again. "Whatever, Bella." He snapped back, and walked away. _Ugh._ Not the way I wanted to start this day off, but oh well. What can ya do? At least he didn't cause a scene. Jacob had always claimed to love me, but he never acted like it. He treated me like crap unless he wanted something from me. That was not the kind of relationship I wanted, or needed.

I heard my name called over the intercom so I grabbed what I needed, and headed back to the pharmacy counter to pick up my meds and pay for everything. Once I'd gotten it all put into the car, I locked it up, and went to the coffee shop to start applying for jobs. I hit the internet first, and put my resume online for places in Port Angeles, and Seattle. Then I walked up and down the two block radius where the local shops and movie theater were and applied everywhere. By the time I was through it was almost four in the afternoon, and I was exhausted. Who would've thought walking into a store and filling out an application could be so tiring? Not this girl that's for sure. I walked back to the car, and headed back to my temporary home.

I wasn't sure if I would get to see Edward tonight or not, but I wanted to get home and freshen up just in case. I pulled into the driveway, and saw Alice's car. I smiled. Even though I'd just seen her yesterday I had missed the little pixie. I walked inside and smelled something delicious coming from the kitchen so that's where I headed. "Hey ladies, what's going on in here?" I greeted sitting at the island. "Esme's making her famous chili." Alice stated with a grin. My eyes lit up, and my mouth started watering. Esme's chili was to die for. It was my favorite thing she made. "What's the occasion?" I asked. "Everyone is coming to dinner tonight. Jasper's already here of course, but Rosalie and Emmett, and Edward are coming over as well. We're having a family night." Esme responded. I started bouncing up and down in my seat.

We hadn't had a family night in a long time. We were way overdue. "I'm gonna go change, and get ready." I exclaimed jumping up. Alice started laughing, and got up to follow me._ Oh crap._ I shouldn't have opened my mouth. Looks like another night of Bella Barbie.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. **

"Ow! Alice if you pull my hair one more time I'm going to punch you. .Face." I threatened angrily. "Okay, I'm sorry. Jeez. You act like I'm doing it on purpose." She snapped. "For all I know you are. What's the point in straightening my hair when it's already straight to begin with?" I snapped back. "Uh, newsflash, Bella. You're hair isn't straight. It's wavy." Rose stated smirking as she walked into the room. I glared at her in the mirror, and sighed as Alice pulled my hair for the umpteenth time. "Sorry!" She squeaked, running her hands through my hair. "Finished. Now you can go get dressed." She said, unplugging the straightening iron. I happily jumped off the stool, and walked to my closet. I pulled out a pair of black yoga pants, and a long sleeved t-shirt. I dressed quickly, and walked back out into the bedroom. Alice glared at me, and Rose started laughing.

"What?" I asked innocently. "Isabella Marie Swan! I did _not_ just spend thirty minutes straightening your hair and applying make-up to your face for you to come out wearing _that_!" Alice scolded. I shrugged my shoulders. "You insisted on doing that crap. I tried to tell you it was pointless. We're spending the evening here, at _home_. I'm not getting all dressed up just to stay home." I explained smugly. I spent the next fifteen minutes arguing with Alice on why I didn't need to change while Rosalie was laughing her butt off in the corner of the room. Much to Alice's dismay I won the argument. I sauntered down the stairs with a pouting Alice following close behind and a still laughing Rosalie after her.

"What's so funny?" Edward asked at the same time Jasper said, "Why are you pouting Alice?"

"Bella isn't playing fair." Alice whined sitting next to Jasper on the couch. "Alice, look around you. Everyone, but you, is in comfortable clothing. Why? Because we're spending the evening at home. You know, relaxing." I sighed impatiently. I walked over to where Edward was sitting, and sat down as close to him as possible. He chuckled and kissed the top of my head lightly. We all sat around and talked for awhile until Esme called us into the dining room to eat. Our spread included spaghetti with meatballs, a ceasar salad, garlic bread, and an apple pie for dessert. _Yum-o!_ We ate mostly in silence, with a few words here and there between couples. When dinner was over I helped Esme with the dishes while everyone else piled into the family room. As I was heading into the family room myself my phone chirped from my pocket. I stopped in the hallway and I pulled it out to see who it was from.

_Leave him. I want you to leave Edward, and be with me.-J _

I sighed, and rolled my eyes.

_I love him, Jacob. I'm not leaving him.-B_

_I can give you everything he can't. I can buy you the world.-J_

_First off, you can't buy my happiness or love. Secondly, he gives me everything I could ever want.-B_

_You don't deserve him.-J_

_You're right. I don't.-B_

_Please, Bella. Be with me. Choose me.-J_

_No, Jacob. I choose Edward. It will always be Edward.-B_

"Bella? You coming?" I jumped at the sound of Edward's voice, and tucked my phone back into my pocket. I interlaced my fingers with his, and followed him into the family room. "Bella! There you are! We're playing truth or dare." Alice chirped. I groaned and sat cross legged on the floor next to her. Edward sat behind me and put a leg on each side of my body. I leaned back into his chest and inhaled his intoxicating scent. I felt a pang of guilt for not telling him about my run-in with Jacob right away, but I didn't want to ruin our family night. I'd tell him later; before he went home for the night. I looked around the room, and noticed Esme and Carlisle were not there.

"Where are mom and dad?" I whispered to Edward. "They went to play bridge with some friends. They said we needed some sibling time." He whispered back with a shrug. Sibling time my ass. They just didn't want to be stuck playing truth or dare with the rest of us. Not that I blamed them; I'd punk out if I had the option, too.

"Bella, truth or dare?" Rosalie asked with a grin. I groaned inwardly. I _hated_ this game. Either way I went I always ended up embarrassed. "Truth?" I muttered weakly. "Have you ever been pregnant?" She asked. _._ "What the hell kind of question is that?" I blanched. "Oh, come on! It's a fair question!" Alice exclaimed excitedly. "It's a completely random question!" I squeaked. "Why are you avoiding the question, Bella?" Rose asked playfully. I felt my face heat up in embarrassment, and tears spring to my eyes. I couldn't lie to them though I desperately wanted to; mostly for Edward's sake. I had never told him about the miscarriage. Mainly because I was ashamed, but also because I was afraid he'd be mad at me for losing our baby.

Oh, please! Bella just tell them!" Alice chided with a smile. "What?" I squeaked. "That you've never been pregnant silly. You shouldn't tease us all like that." She explained quickly. "Um…" I stumbled, biting my lip. Shit! Why couldn't I just lie? It would so much easier. "Oh my god." Rosalie whispered as Alice gasped. I felt Edward stiffen up before he hurriedly jumped up and walked out of the room. _Fuck my life._ "Bella, I'm sorry! I had no idea!" Rose exclaimed. I gave her a half hearted smile, and jumped up to follow Edward. I found him pacing out in the front yard, smoking one of my cigarettes. _Oh shit. Not good._ The only time I've ever seen him smoke was when he first found out about Jacob and me. He didn't talk to me for three months. I grabbed the cigarette pack from him, took one out, lit it, and took a long drag.

"You're pregnant?" He asked quietly.

"No." I exclaimed vehemently. He visibly relaxed, but only the slightest bit.

"But, you were?" He asked in a whisper. I took another drag off the cigarette. "Yes." I exhaled. He stiffened up again. "When?" He demanded. "Two years ago. I had a miscarriage. That's why I wanted to relapse." I confessed. He stopped pacing, and just stared at me, a look of shock in his eyes. I took another hit off the cigarette, and stared back, letting him digest that information. "You mean to tell me that all of the bullshit we've been through the last two years started over a… a miscarriage?" He whispered. "Yes." I whispered back, tears falling from my eyes. "_Why?_" He asked. "I was ashamed, and devastated. I had only known for about a week, and I was trying to figure out the best way to tell you that we were having a baby, and then I lost it. I thought I had done something wrong, and I was afraid if I told you you'd be angry with me." I explained quietly.

"Was it mine?" He demanded as he began to pace again at a more rapid pace. "What?" I deadpanned. ".Mine?" He demanded a little louder. I thought that's what he said. I wanted to hit him. I mean I _really_ wanted to hit. More than I've ever wanted to hit him before and I didn't want to stop at just one punch. I swiped furiously at the tears streaming down my face, and threw my cigarette to the ground. I clenched and unclenched my fists as I counted to ten, and then twenty. "Yes, Edward. The baby was yours. If you remember correctly I didn't start sleeping with Jacob until after the fighting began." I sneered.

He stopped pacing, and stared at me again, this time with pain in his eyes. "How should I know when you started fucking someone else? If you could hide something like this from me than who knows what else you've been hiding." He snapped. "Two years? Two fucking years and you just now decided to tell me? If Rosalie hadn't asked that question would you have ever told me?" He yelled. I couldn't answer him because I didn't know. I wasn't planning on telling him anytime soon I knew that much, but in the long run? I had no idea if I would have told him or not.

"ANSWER ME!" He screamed, causing me to jump. "I don't know!" I exclaimed as fresh tears began to fall. He shook his head, and started walking backwards away from me. "That's not good enough for me Bella." He stated, and turned away. I watched him get into his car, and pull out of the driveway. I had no idea if I'd ever see him again, and that was the worst feeling in the entire world. I walked back inside, and ignoring everyone, went straight upstairs to bed. The only thing I wanted more than Edward right now was sleep. I wanted to forget this night ever happened, and to wake up tomorrow feeling ten times better than I felt right now. _Yeah, like that would happen._

I couldn't sleep. My anxiety had me shaking like a leaf, and try as I might I couldn't slow my breathing. Thank God for drugs. I padded my way downstairs to the kitchen, took an ativan, and made my way outside to smoke. A part of me wondered why I was made this way. Okay, a part of me and a part of Lady Gaga's "Born this way" made me wonder. If there was a God (and I wasn't completely convinced there was) why would he make me this way? A person with manic depression and an anxiety disorder who had a hard time trusting people, and anger issues. What kind of life is that to live? Not a very fun one I can tell you that much. Was this the path I was forced to take? Or, was this my test? To see if I was strong enough to overcome these issues? God tested people right? Was this His way of testing me? And if so, what was the point? Why make me suffer through this bullshit life in the first place? Hadn't I dealt with my share of unfairness, and poverty of sorts? Hadn't I been dealt a shitty enough hand? He just had to throw in the depression, anxiety, and anger issues to top it off? For what? To make me stronger? I thought of myself as a fairly strong individual in the first place; I didn't see the need for improvement in that area. Evidently my opinion and God's opinion were completely different.

I lit another cigarette, and took a long drag. And why make Edward suffer along with me? It wasn't his fault I'd grown up the way I had. He had nothing to do with it. Why was he forced to play along in this pathetic little game? Why did I take everything out on him? It wasn't fair damn it! I reminded myself of my father, and I hated it. I was making everyone around me suffer right along with me. If I wasn't happy no one else should be either. Fuck how they feel, or what they think. I took another drag off my cigarette, and swiped at the tears that had begun falling down my face. If I wasn't so selfish I would end my relationship with Edward. But, I was a very selfish woman, and I couldn't break my own heart or his for that matter. If there was even a relationship left to salvage. The only thing to do was fight like hell for what I wanted, and deserved. And fight I would. I took a final puff of my cigarette, stomped it out, and went back inside to go to bed.

A/N: Hope everyone had a great Easter! I had a great day with my babies. =] Song for this chapter-"Secrets"-OneRepublic. Leave some love!


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What does belong to me is this stubborn insomnia. Can't complain too much though; I do my best writing when I can't sleep. =] enjoy! Song for this chapter- "Don't you remember?" Adele.**

I walked into Jan's office in a zombie like trance. It had been this way since last Thursday night. It was now Wednesday. I hadn't spoken to Edward since that night; or rather he hasn't spoken to me since that night. I tried calling and texting but to no avail. He wouldn't answer me. I wanted to drive over to the apartment, but Carlisle wouldn't let me go that far. He was afraid of what might happen if Edward and I were alone. I couldn't blame Edward for acting this way though. Not after all that transpired that night. Didn't mean I had to like it though. I was thinking about driving over to the apartment today after my appointment what Carlisle thought be damned. I needed to know where things stood with Edward. If he never wanted to see me again I should at least know, right? Right.

"Bella, you look a little worse for wear. Is the medicine not working?" Jan asked, concern lacing her words. Before I could get a word out the tears were falling rapidly down my face turning into full blown sobs after merely seconds. It took me nearly fifteen minutes to compose myself enough to be able to talk, and even then my voice was weak. "The medicine is fine. I really fucked up, Jan." I mumbled. She handed me a box of Kleenex, and waited patiently for me to go on. "I left something out last week. The reason I wanted to relapse on the pills was because I had had a miscarriage, and I never told Edward. Well, he found out last Thursday, and he hasn't talked to me since then. I'm a wreck, Jan. I know what I did was stupid, and it was very wrong, but how could he just ignore me like this?" I cried.

"Why didn't you tell him, Bella?" Jan asked quietly. I sighed as a fresh wave of tears started. "I was afraid if I told him he'd be angry with me for losing the baby." I responded weakly. "Why would he be angry with you?" She countered. "It was my fault." I whispered. "And how exactly was it your fault?"

I sighed, and shook my head. "I didn't do what I was supposed to do. I was smoking, and I wasn't eating the right way, but the minute I found out I stopped smoking right away. And then I lost it. Just like that it was gone. Our baby was no more. I just kept thinking if I had only known sooner, or if I had done this differently maybe… just maybe I wouldn't have lost the baby." I explained. "And what did your doctor say?" She questioned. I swiped at the tears that were continuously falling, and sighed again. "He said there was nothing I could have done to stop it. Sometimes a woman's body just doesn't react well to being pregnant, and a miscarriage is a result of that." I answered quietly.

"I concur with your doctor, Bella. You were also young, and sometimes that plays a role. You can't blame yourself for something you can't control. Blaming yourself isn't healthy." She stated matronly. "So, let me ask you this. Do you think that was your trigger for the behavior that followed?" She asked. I blew out a loaded breath, and nodded. "Definitely. I was angry with myself, and with the whole situation. I've come to accept it now, but then I didn't. Now I'm just worried about Edward." I answered honestly.

"What are you planning on doing about the current situation?" She asked, leaning back in her chair. I crossed my legs, and bit my lip. 'I'm thinking about confronting Edward today. He won't respond to my calls or texts, so I thought if I drove over to our apartment he'd have to talk to me." I stated. She shook her head. "I think you should give him some time to process this. You essentially dropped a bombshell on him, and he needs to be able to think about that, and figure out a way to deal with it. Pressuring him may not be the best way to handle the situation." She explained confidently. "So what am I supposed to do? Just sit around and wait for him to call me, or show up?" I demanded angrily.

"Yes." She answered quickly. "Everything is not about you, Bella. If he's not talking to you there's a reason for it. You going over and demanding he speak with you could result in a fight. Maybe he's trying to avoid that. As I said he needs time to process this, and you need to respect that." I nodded and nibbled on my nail. "How long am I supposed to wait?" I whispered. "As long as it takes for him to reach out to you." She answered quietly.

I decided to take Jan's advice, and went home after our session. I called Alice and cancelled our weekly meeting at the coffee shop, and went straight to bed. I wasn't in the mood for company unless it was Edward, and who knows how long it would before he decided to show up. I didn't know if I could wait until he decided he was ready to talk, but I would try. Jan was right. This wasn't about me. I needed to give Edward the space he deserved and let him figure out what he wanted to do. Why didn't I just tell him about the miscarriage in the first place? I was a coward that's why, and now I was paying the price. I was just starting to doze off when a soft knock came at the door.

"Bella? You have company." Esme said through the door. "I'll be right there." I called, getting out of bed. I made my way slowly down the stairs, and stopped cold at the sight in front of me. _.Fuck?_ I sighed, and walked out the door, my _guest _following behind me.

"What do you want, Tanya?" I demanded angrily.

"I just wanted to let you know that I was with Edward last night, and I only just left him. He told me to tell you that it was over, and he didn't want to hear from you anymore." She said with snide grin. "If Edward wants to end things with me he can do it himself. He's a big boy. I know you weren't with him last night so what the fuck are you doing here?" I snapped.

"He doesn't want to see you, Bella. That's why he sent me duh. Now please do us both a favor and take the hint. Leave Edward alone. He's mine." She growled. "Go fuck yourself." I yelled walking into the house and slamming the door behind me. I stomped up the stairs, grabbed my phone, and dialed Edward's number.

"Bella, I was just fixing to cal-"

"Tell your fucking girlfriend to stay the fuck away from me! If she comes within two hundred feet of this house again I swear to you Edward I will fucking kill her!" I yelled, as tears were rolling down my face.

"What the fuck are you talking about, Bella?" He demanded. "I'm talking about Tanya coming to my house to inform me that she was with you last night! I'm talking about her saying you never want to see me again! Keep your fucking whore in line or I'll do it for you!" I snapped angrily. "I'm coming over." He retorted. "Don't bother!" I screamed, hanging up on him. I suddenly had no desire to see Edward. Funny how quickly things can change. I went from doing just about anything to see Edward to not giving a damn if I ever laid eyes on him again. I laid my phone on the nightstand, and climbed back into bed. Hopefully I could fall asleep before Edward got here, and he'd just leave me alone.

No such luck. Fifteen minutes later when Edward knocked on the bedroom door, I was still wide awake. Hell, I hadn't even stopped crying since our phone conversation. I ignored the knock on the door, and tried to stop crying. Maybe he'd just go away. _Right._ "Bella, I'm not going anywhere." Edward called as if reading my mind. "Oh, what? I don't hear from you for a week and now suddenly you're interested in talking to me?" I yelled angrily. "Can we not do this through the door?" He pleaded. "The door is open asshole." I replied. The minute I saw him I wanted to run into his arms and hold onto him forever. God how I'd missed him. But then I thought about Tanya showing up here, and I just wanted to punch him. I rolled away from him with an angry huff, swiping at more tears.

"Bella." He said tenderly, lying down beside me.

"Get away from me." I muttered angrily. He sighed before wrapping his arms around me tightly. "Tanya texted me this morning. I told her to lose my number, and that I never wanted to see or hear from her again. I swear, Bella, I haven't seen her since I ran into her that day at the super market." He explained. "Why would she say those things?" I sniffled. "She's angry, and jealous of you, love. She wants what you have." He replied. "What's that?" I asked quietly. "Me." He said simply.

"Do I? We don't live together anymore, I barely see you, and we haven't spoken in a week, Edward." I cried. He gently brushed my hair out of my face, and kissed my head. "I'm sorry, Bella. I should have talked to you, but I needed some time to process everything." He explained. I turned over to face him. "I know." I replied. "You should have told me." He whispered. "I know. I'm sorry." I apologized quietly. "Why didn't you come to me? You didn't have to face that alone." He questioned. I sighed heavily. "I thought it was my fault. I was afraid you'd be angry with me. I'm sorry." I explained.

"I could never be angry with you for something like that, love. It wasn't your fault." He responded. "I know that now." I said. "I ran into Jacob last week." I mumbled. He stiffened. "I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. He asked me to choose him over you, and I said no. I told him I would always choose you. You're everything to me, Edward. I can't bear to lose you." I whispered fervently. "You won't lose me, Bella. I feel the same way for you. You're my life." He replied softly. We laid there in silence for a few moments before he spoke up again.

"We need to spend some time together, alone. I know we had a date night recently, but that isn't enough. We need to reconnect emotionally to each other, and physically. There's been an awful lot of drama lately. I don't know about you, but I need to remember how good we are together. Why we fell in love, and why we've stayed together." He stated.

"I completely agree." I muttered intelligently. He hugged me closer to him, and we both fell asleep for awhile. Edward woke up around three in the morning to head home, and I vaguely remember him saying he'd see me tomorrow. I tried to go back to sleep, but it was of no use. So, I padded my way downstairs to the piano, and sat down to play. Esme and Carlisle were sleeping, but the walls in the music room were sound proof so I wasn't worried about waking them. I played around with some melodies before settling in to play some Adele. I had the perfect song in mind for my relationship with Edward at the moment.

_When will I see you again?  
>You left with no goodbye,<br>Not a single word was said,  
>No final kiss to seal any sins,<br>I had no idea of the state we were in,_

_I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness,  
>And a wandering eye, and heaviness in my head,<em>

_But don't you remember?  
>Don't you remember?<br>The reason you loved me before,  
>Baby, please remember me once more,<em>

_When was the last time you thought of me?  
>Or have you completely erased me from your memory?<br>I often think about where I went wrong,  
>The more I do, the less I know,<em>

_But I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness,  
>And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,<em>

_But don't you remember?  
>Don't you remember?<br>The reason you loved me before,  
>Baby, please remember me once more,<em>

_Gave you space so you could breathe,  
>I kept my distance so you would be free,<br>And hoped that you'd find the missing piece,  
>To bring you back to me,<em>

_Why don't you remember?  
>Don't you remember?<br>The reason you loved me before,  
>Baby, please remember me once more,<em>

_When will I see you again?_

A/N: Sorry kind of a short chapter. I wasn't going to put the make up with Edward and Bella in this chapter, but I couldn't resist. I never can keep them apart for too long. Hope you enjoyed it! Leave me some lovin' please!


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the reviews, and for adding my story to your favorites & alerts. This story is really important to me, and it makes me ecstatic to know you all love it, too! =] Song for this chapter-"I found a boy"-Adele. (Yes, I like Adele a lot.)**

"Bella! Bella, Bella, Bella! Wake up, Bella! Come on, come on it's your birthday! Wake up!" Alice screeched, jumping up and down on my bed. I groaned and pulled the covers tighter around me. "Wake up sleepy head! Come on! You can't sleep your birthday away! Get up!" She exclaimed, yanking the covers off of me. I shot her a glare and pulled my pillow over my head. It was too fucking early to deal with her hyperactivity. "Esme is making your favorite for breakfast! French toast with bananas and caramel drizzled on top! Get up! Get up! Get up!" She rambled excitedly, still jumping.

"Alice, it's my birthday. If I want to sleep in I should be allowed to do so. Now leave me the fuck alone." I snapped.

"Bella, watch your mouth." Rosalie chided playfully from the door. "Oh, not you, too." I groaned. They shared a laugh as Alice pulled the pillow off of me and tossed it onto the floor with my blankets. "Please just let me sleep." I whined. "No!" They said in unison. I sat up with a huff, and crossed my arms. "You aren't playing fair. It's my birthday." I pouted. "Edward's here." Alice said coyly. "Why didn't you _start_ with that, Alice? It would have gotten you a lot farther a lot faster." I stated jumping out of bed. She laughed again, and jumped off the bed. "Take a shower, get dressed in that outfit, and come downstairs." She demanded, pointing to an outfit hanging on the bathroom door. I gave her a salute, and headed to the bathroom.

I showered quickly, and dressed in the black leggings, and gray tunic that hung off one shoulder. I put my hair in a messy bun off to one side, and stuck a large red flower behind my ear. I added a little make-up, and headed downstairs to enjoy my breakfast and my boyfriend. I greeted everyone with a smile, and walked over to the island to kiss Edward on the cheek. "You look absolutely beautiful." He murmured. I smiled in thanks, and sat down beside him. Alice brought me a cup of coffee as Esme was setting my plate full of French toast in front of me. _Yum-O!_ I could eat this all day every day.

The girls sat at the island with Edward and I while Esme stood at the sink to eat. We ate in silence, and I was the first to finish my breakfast. I felt somewhat like a pig, but I didn't care. Now that I was awake, I was actually excited about my birthday. I didn't care for the idea of turning twenty six, but I was ecstatic about spending the entire day and night with Edward. It felt like years rather than a couple of weeks since I'd spent a night with him. Not to mention my heart was a lot lighter now that he knew my little secret, and had forgiven me. I had made a silent vow to myself after last Thursday night; I would keep no more secrets from Edward, regardless the consequences. If he chose to leave me over something at least it wasn't because I had hid it from him.

"So what are we doing today?" I asked Edward as he was finishing up his breakfast. "I'm going back home and going back to sleep for a few more hours while Alice and Rosalie have their wicked way with you, love. Don't worry later this afternoon I'm coming to pick you up and you'll have me for the rest of the evening." He explained the last after seeing my pouty face. I perked up at that because little did he know I'd have him all night long. _Muahhahaha._ It wasn't often I got to surprise my boyfriend so I thoroughly enjoyed it whenever I was able to. "Okay, fine. What are we doing later?" I asked, fluttering my eyelashes with a smirk on my face. He chuckled. "I'm not spoiling the surprise." Was all he replied. "What surprise? I hate surprises." I pouted. Edward, Alice and Rosalie looked at each other and smiled widely. "Oh crap. Suddenly I'm not feeling so well." I lied weakly.

Edward laughed whole-heartedly and shook his head. "Oh, Bella. Relax it's not that bad. You'll have fun tonight." He stated._ Riight. They're sharing secrets and I'm gonna have fun? Pfft._ It's never good when the three of them get together and plan something. At least not for me anyway. I sighed heavily, and turned to Alice and Rosalie. "What are we doing this morning?" Alice smiled, and replied, "We're going to the spa. Manicures, facials, and massages. Oh! And waxes and pedicures." I blanched. "Waxes? Noo, Alice please not waxes." I pleaded, folding my hands together. Rosalie snorted at my half-ass attempt at begging.

"Well, I guess I'm going to go." Edward stated, standing up. "Oh, wait! Stay right there." I exclaimed, running up stairs. I grabbed my overnight bag, threw some clothes and my toiletries in it, and ran back downstairs. I went outside, and threw the bag in Edward's trunk. "What was that all about?" Edward asked as I walked back into the kitchen. I smiled. "A surprise for later." I replied cryptically. He arched a brow, but said nothing. He kissed me lightly on the lips, and left. "Okay! Let's get a move on!" Alice exclaimed, clapping her hands together. I groaned loudly. I slipped on a pair of black ballet flats, grabbed my purse, and followed the girls out to Alice's car. I _hated_ getting waxed.

Three long hours later I had freshly painted finger and toe nails, muscles that felt like that jelly, and a sore hoo-ha. Apparently, when Alice said waxes, she meant Brazilian waxes. As in absolutely no hair on my hoo-ha what-so-ever. _Ouch!_ Worst experience of my life, and please believe it will _never_ happen again. Unless of course, Edward liked it. Then I may consider doing it again. Maybe. "I'm hungry." I grumbled from the front seat of the car. "Okay Mrs. grumpy gills, what would you like to eat?" Alice asked with a smile. "I'm not grumpy." I snapped. Rosalie laughed from the backseat, and leaned forward. "Says the woman who just snapped for no reason with crossed arms, and a frown on her face." She pointed out, still laughing.

"Oh, I'm sorry. You didn't just have all the hair ripped off of your poonani now did you?" I growled. "Actually, I did. And it doesn't hurt that bad so get over it." Rose retorted. "It does, too!" I exclaimed with a huff. "Oh my god! You are such a baby!" Alice snorted. I smirked despite myself, and then I started laughing hysterically. "My lady parts hurt!" I exclaimed after a minute. "What if I can't have sex with Edward tonight? I was really looking forward to that." I pouted. "Trust me. You will be fine in a couple of hours." Rosalie stated as Alice pulled into Carlisle's driveway.

We went inside and headed straight for the kitchen. I pulled out the ingredients for a salad, and we each made our own. "So, are you nervous about spending the night with Edward?" Alice asked after a few minutes of us eating quietly. I swallowed my bite, and nodded. "You guys will be fine. Look how well you both did after your last argument." She placated. I snorted. "We were in the front yard, and you guys were all inside. That's a little different than being alone in our apartment." I stated. "However, I'm doing pretty well now, and it's not like I'm looking for an argument or anything so I think we'll be okay. It's just the thought of it happening makes me nervous." I explained further.

"I can understand why you'd be nervous, Bella. Especially since I know your history with my brother, but I'm with you. You aren't looking for an argument, and honestly what do you have to fight about anymore? I think you'll be fine." Alice said reassuringly. We finished our lunch, cleaned up the mess we made, and headed into the family room to watch a movie. It only just after one o'clock, but I was feeling tired. As we settled in to watch _P.S I love you_ I found myself dozing off and on throughout most of it. I loved that movie, but I figured it was better to get my rest while I could as I didn't plan on sleeping much later tonight. _Muahahaha. _

"Okay sleepyhead! Edward will be here shortly so you should probably go freshen up." Alice stated as the movie ended. I moved slowly off the couch, and trudged up the stairs to get cleaned up. I had used a spare toothbrush to brush my teeth since I'd already sent mine with Edward, and redid my hair. I sprayed some perfume on, switched my trusty flats for a pair of red peep towed low heels, and headed back downstairs. "Wow, Bella. Those shoes really make all the difference with that outfit." Rosalie stated with a low whistle. I blushed, and gave her a shy smile. "Anyone feel like clueing me in on what's going on tonight? I know you at least helped make the plans, and it would be nice to know." I hinted.

"Nope."

"No way." Rosalie and Alice said in unison. I huffed, and crossed my arms. "Am I at least dressed appropriately?" I grumbled. Rosalie snickered as Alice gave me a pointed glare. "Never mind I forgot who I was talking to obviously." I retracted, holding my hands up in defense. Of course Alice would have made me change if I wasn't dressed properly for tonight. Who was I kidding? _Annoying little pixie._ A short time later Edward breezed through the door looking might handsome in a pair of distressed jeans, a red button down shirt and black vest. I wanted to jump him right there, but figured the girls might object to that sight. _Oh well. There's always later. _"Ready to go, love?" Edward asked with a smile. I nodded, and grabbed my purse. Edward handed me the keys. "You go ahead out to the car. I need to talk to the girls for a minute and I'll be right out." He stated. I arched a brow, but when he didn't elaborate I sighed and headed outside to wait.

True to his word he was only gone just over a minute, but it felt like an eternity to me. Especially because I knew they were talking about my surprise. I hated surprises. Edward knew I hated surprises. It must be something I'd say no to if they weren't willing to clue me in on it. I could only think of one thing I'd outright say no to, and that was dancing. I had an inkling that's what we were doing tonight, but I didn't have the heart to tell Edward I knew. As much as I hated surprises Edward loved surprising me, so I would suck it up for him.

"Are you hungry?" Edward asked, sliding into the drivers seat. "Actually I'm starving. Which doesn't make any sense because we just ate a salad around one." I replied. "Wow. A whole salad. I'm surprised you aren't stuffed." Edward chuckled sarcastically. "It was a big salad, okay." I stated with a smirk. "Okay, it's killing me, Bella. What's in the trunk?" He asked after a minute. Hmm. Should I tell him or not? Maybe I could bargain with him.

**A/N: Sorry this one took a little longer for me to write. Next one won't take so long I promise. Please leave me some love! **


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What does belong to me is this story; which I love very much. Song for this chapter "One and Only"-Adele.**

"So, come on. What's in the trunk?" Edward asked again when I didn't respond the first time. I smiled widely. "I'll tell you my surprise if you tell me yours." I said coyly. "Oh, that's just not right. I can't tell you the surprise, love. Alice would kill me." He stated with a frown. I couldn't help it. I laughed. He looked so disappointed. "I have another surprise I could tell you." He said quickly. "Okay, you tell me first." I demanded softly. "You're staying the night with me." He said with a grin. My mouth dropped open. _Damn it!_ "How did you know that?" I exclaimed with a pout.

"Wait, what? How did _you_ know that?" He demanded, pointing a finger at me. "I talked to Carlisle about it last week. That was my surprise." I pouted. "Is that why he didn't give me any shit about it yesterday? I went to talk to him at work, and I expected a lecture or something. All he said was 'sure that's fine.'" Edward explained, a bit stunned. I laughed. "At least I talked to him first. My surprise counts. Ha. Ha." I said playfully. "That's fine. I have another one anyway." He stated cryptically. "What? That's not fair!" I blanched. He laughed and shook his head. He drove back to our apartment, and carried my bag upstairs.

"I thought I was getting food." I grumbled playfully. He smirked. "We're ordering in." I nodded in approval, and took my shoes off. I curled up on the couch while Edward went in the kitchen. A few minutes later he came back into the living room, and sat down beside me. I curled up in his lap, and laid my head on his shoulder. "I missed you." I whispered, breathing in his scent. He kissed the top of my head and sighed. "I missed you, too. Want me to tell you another surprise?" He asked with a grin. I nodded enthusiastically and he laughed. "You're staying the whole weekend here with me." He whispered in my ear. I was so excited I nearly jumped off his lap. I kissed him chastely, but Edward was having none of that. He pulled me back and plunged his tongue into my mouth. I moaned, and moved to straddle his waist. His hands went up and down my back before settling on my ass, and I grinded against him. He moved his hands underneath my shirt, and made his way to my breasts before a knock at the door interrupted us.

We broke apart, and Edward got up to answer the door. He paid for our Chinese, and went into the kitchen. He came back a few minutes later with a plate of fortune cookies in his hand. I arched a brow as he sat down. "We're having dessert first." Was all he said as he handed me a cookie. I smiled, and broke mine apart. I loved fortune cookies. They were my favorite part of Chinese food. I pulled my paper out and read it. I furrowed my brow, and looked at Edward. "This one doesn't make any sense." I muttered as Edward got up. "What's it say?" He asked rummaging through a desk drawer.

"Will you marry me?" I repeated. I looked back up and gasped. Edward was on his knee in front of me, with a ring in his hand. "Oh my god." I whispered. I went to say something, but Edward pinched my lips together with his fingers. "I know we've had a rough time the last couple of years, but I've never been more sure of something in my entire life. I love you, Bella, and I only want you for the rest of my life. The last two weeks have been hell for me, and it's only made me realize how much I need you in my life. I would go through everything we've been through ten times over as long as it was with you, and only you. Will you make me the happiest man in the world, and please be my wife?" He released my lips, and I crashed into him with everything I had causing him to fall backwards. "Yes! Oh my god! Edward! Yes!" I screamed. I got up and helped him up, too. He pulled me down on the couch, and slipped the ring on my left hand. He gently wiped the tears from my eyes, and kissed me lightly.

"I love you, Bella." He whispered. "I love you, too." I stated, staring at my ring. We sat there for a few minutes in silence before my insecurities starting rearing their ugly heads. "What's wrong, love?" Edward murmured, pulling me close. "Are you sure about this?" I whispered, pulling away to look at him. "I mean, really sure? We've been through so much, and I just…what if we're moving too fast?" I asked quietly. He smoothed my hair, and kissed me. "Do you love me, Bella?" He asked. "Yes!" I exclaimed fervently. "Do you want to be with anyone else?" He asked again. "No, never." I responded. "Than we aren't moving too fast. We've been together for almost five years, love. Yes, we've had some major fights along the way, but we're perfect together. You're perfect for me. I only want you. Always you. Forever." He explained.

I took a shaky breath, and nodded my head in agreement. "Just because we're engaged doesn't mean we have to get married tomorrow, love. Though I have to admit I'd be thrilled if we did, but we can go as slow as you want with this. I just wanted to show you that you're my forever." He reassured me. "I want to marry you, Edward. Please don't think that I don't because I do. I just… I'd like to wait at least a year, or maybe more I don't know." I said, biting my lip. "I'm sorry, I'm screwing this up." I mumbled as tears started falling down my face. Edward took my face between his hands and stared in my eyes for an immeasurable amount of time. "You aren't screwing anything up, love. I understand completely. You're afraid this is a rash decision, and you want to wait at least a year to make sure you're still doing as good as you are right now. I get it, baby. It's fine." He said with a small smile. I threw my arms around his neck, and hugged him tightly.

"Thank you for understanding. I love you so much, and just so you know, you're my forever, too." I replied quietly. He held me tightly for several minutes before my stomach started growling loudly causing us both to laugh. We ate in a companionable silence with me stopping every once in a while to stare at my new bling. I _really_ loved Edward, and I _really_ wanted to marry him, but it was like he said. I'm doing great right now, but I wanted to make sure it lasted. That this wasn't just a temporary thing and we go back to fighting all the time like we were a couple weeks ago. Married or not we'd never make it living like that, and I wasn't ready to take that chance on losing what we had together. Because when it's good with us it's really _really_ good, and I never want that to be forgotten or ruined by bad memories.

After dinner, Edward gathered our dirty dishes and went in the kitchen to clean up. I tried helping but he insisted on doing it himself so I figured why argue? We'd spent enough time doing that as it was. I was sitting there in the living room, waiting for my love to finish up in the kitchen when my phone chirped from my purse. I walked over, and grabbed it grimacing as I saw it was Jacob. I thought I'd gotten rid of him.

_Have you left him yet?-J_

_I'm not leaving him, Jacob.-B_

_Why? We belong together.-J_

_I love him. Not you. Simple as that.-B_

_You don't love me?-J_

_No! I love Edward. He proposed tonight, and I said yes.-B_

_Don't marry him. Marry me.-J_

_Too little too late, Jake. It's over.-B_

_We'll see about that.-J_

_Oookay._ Not the best way to tell my used to be best friend that I was engaged, but he wasn't taking the hint. I didn't know how else to get it across to him. In the past being rude to Jacob had worked better than being nice so that's what I would go with from here on out. I shoved my phone back in my purse, and went into the kitchen. "Got any more surprises shoved up your sleeve?" I asked with a smile. Edward smiled back, and nodded. "But it's the last one, and I can't tell you what it is because my sister would kill me." He stated drying his hands off on a dish towel. I sighed heavily. "Fine. Be mean. You know I hate surprises." He chuckled. "You seemed to enjoy the last few surprises I had for you." He retorted.

"Okay, fine. I don't like the idea of being surprised." I clarified. "You know, if you guess where we're going I wouldn't get in trouble." He suggested, waggling his eyebrows. I laughed. "Okay, I have a pretty good guess anyway." I said, still laughing. He waved his hand in a 'go on' gesture and I pretended to think. "We're going dancing aren't we?" I guessed. He actually looked shocked for a moment. "I really didn't expect you to get it right." He stumbled. I laughed loudly. "I knew it! Please don't make me go!" I exclaimed, folding my hands together and giving my best pouty face.

"Oh, that's not fair. We have to go, love. Alice put a lot of thought into this, and I'd hate to disappoint her." He explained with a smirk. I thought for a moment, and gave my own smirk. "I could make it worth your while." I stated coyly. He arched a brow, and replied, "How so?" _Gotcha!_ "We could stay here and have sex all night instead." I suggested. He reached into his pocket, and pulled out his phone. I laughed, and ran into the bedroom with Edward on my heels.

"Alice, listen. We aren't coming tonight."


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What does belong to me is one awesome husband who fixes everything I can't. =] Song for this chapter "Crazy Girl"-Eli Young Band. Wouldn't listen to it unless you like country music. Just sayin. =] Here's a lemon for you to enjoy.**

"Oh god, Edward!" I moaned as he pumped his fingers inside of me. His mouth encircled an erect nipple, and I plunged my fingers into his hair. He planted hot, wet kisses along my chest, neck and jaw until his mouth came up to reclaim mine in a passionate kiss. I moaned in pleasure as his fingers moved deeper and faster within me. I could feel the hot coil low in my belly, but I didn't want to cum this way. I wanted _all_ of him. "Edward, please. I need to feel you inside of me." I whispered, breaking our kiss. He pulled his fingers out slowly, and rolled us so I was on top.

I slowly lowered myself onto his awaiting erection, and we both groaned at the sensation. I sat there for a minute, adjusting to the differences between his fingers and his cock. I would never grow tired of feeling him inside of me. _Ever_. With a pleasurable sigh, I began moving slowly at first, and faster as the coil started again in my stomach. Within seconds Edward had rolled us so he was on top. He pulled one of my legs up onto his shoulder and I moaned in pleasure as he went deeper inside of me. I could feel my muscles tightening against his cock, and my release started slowly in my toes and worked its way up through the rest of my body. I screamed in pleasure and a few seconds later Edward was groaning his own release.

He collapsed on top of me, and I wrapped my arms around him tightly as we both tried to catch our breath. "God, I missed you." He panted. I smiled, and kissed his sweaty head. We laid there for a few more minutes before Edward rolled onto side, effectively breaking our connection. I missed him immediately, but was satisfied in the fact that we'd be doing the same thing again before the night was through. "Happy birthday, love." He whispered. I smiled. "I called off work today and tomorrow. I figured I could start my weekend early since I have you all to myself." He said after a moment. "You didn't have to do that, Edward. I could always find something to do around here until you get home. I know how much you love your job." I replied quietly.

"Yes, but I love you more. I'd rather spend all my time with you anyhow." He stated. I smiled. "That sounds good to me. Why don't you just quit your job, and I'll never work again either. We can live off of each other." I said, only half joking. He chuckled. "Don't tempt me." He warned playfully. We laid in silence for a while, and then I remembered my conversation with Jacob earlier.

"Jacob texted me tonight." I muttered. Edward stiffened beside me. "He told me to leave you again, and said I should marry him instead of you. I told him he was too little too late, and that I love you and not him. I'm hoping he'll get the idea now." I explained. I felt Edward relax, and breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, if he doesn't let me know. I'll have a chat with him." He grumbled. I smiled at his jealousy, and kissed him lightly on the lips. "Wanna go for round two in the shower?" I suggested, getting up. He got up as well, and picking me up carried me into the shower. After our rendezvous in the shower we also had rounds three and four in bed.

The next morning came way too early, and I groaned when I heard the banging on the front door. "Who the hell is banging on the door at seven in the morning?" Edward grumbled beside. I got up, and dressed quickly in a pair of black sweat pants and white tank top. "It's probably Alice here to punish us for bailing on her last night." I said with a smirk. I threw my hair into a messy bun, and walked slowly to the door.

"Alice, I'm sorry but I'd rather stay home and bang your brother all night then go to some stupid club with you and embarrass myself with my non existent dancing skills." I explained pulling the door open.

"Hey, Bells." Jacob greeted cheerfully. "What the fuck, Jake?" I demanded, pulling the door shut as I stepped into the hallway. "I wanted to take you out today. Show you what a real date is like." He said; still in that annoyingly chipper voice. "First of all, I told you to never come here. Secondly, I told you last night it's over, Jacob. I don't want anything to do with you anymore. Period. The end. Now leave before I call the cops." I demanded angrily. Before he could respond I walked back inside and slammed the door shut. I turned around to find a very pissed off Edward. _Oh shit._

"I take it you heard that?" I asked softly.

"Is that why you wanted me to go to work? So you could run off with Jacob?" He demanded.

"_What_?" I blanched.

"Answer the question, Bella." He said in a dangerously low voice.

"Are you deaf? What part of that conversation on my part sounded like I wanted to run off with Jacob? I told him to leave, Edward." I exclaimed angrily. He turned around and stomped back into the bedroom. I followed behind him, just as angry. Was he not listening to me last night? .Hell. This was utterly ridiculous.

"I understand you not wanting to get married right away because of your depression and all that, but was that even the truth? Or do you just not want to get married yet so you can play the field a little more? Please, enlighten me, Bella, because I'm a little bit confused here. You told me last night you didn't want to see him anymore, yet he shows up this morning bright and early right after I should've left for work." He yelled pulling on a pair of pants and a t-shirt.

"Everything I told you last night was the truth, Edward!" I yelled back. "How the fuck was I supposed to know he was going to show up here?" I demanded, pacing the floor.

"Maybe you didn't tell me all of the conversation you two had yesterday how the hell should I know? Maybe you planned on me being at work and figured what the hell? Why not one more rendezvous with Jacob before tying the knot with Edward? I don't fucking know!" He yelled, pulling on a pair of sneakers.

"What the fuck are you doing? Are you leaving?" I stuttered. "Yes! I am fucking leaving before this turns into something more than what it already is!" He exclaimed. I stopped dead in my tracks. I hadn't even thought of this going further than it already had. For the first time in two years I hadn't thought of hitting Edward even once during this argument. That in itself extinguished the flames ignited in me. "You don't have to leave, Edward." I said quietly, following him to the front door. "Yes, I do, Bella." He said just as quietly. He opened the door, and there was Jacob, smile on his face and my bra in his hand. "I figured I should return this. You left it in my car last week." He said. "Nice, Bella." Edward whispered.

"What the fuck is your problem, Jacob? You know damn well I didn't leave that in your car last week!" I yelled as Edward stormed off. Jacob smiled. "I know, but come on, Bells. You didn't expect me to fight fair did you?" He asked, still smiling. I growled, and punched him as hard as I could in the nose, and then slammed the door in his face. Stupid mother fucking idiot! I cradled my hand against me hoping to ease the throbbing sensation, and laid on the couch as tears flooded my eyes. I don't know how long I laid there, but the next thing I was aware of was the darkness surrounding me.

I sat up slowly as I heard a key hit the lock in the front door. I heard Edward open and close the door, and then light flooded the living room. I blinked a few times as my eyes adjusted to the change in light, and stared at the floor as Edward stood in the door, fiddling with his keys. "What time is it?" I sighed.

"Just after eight." He replied quietly. Thirteen hours. I laid on that damn couch waiting for him for thirteen hours. "Well, at least you came back." I mumbled as fresh tears welled in my eyes. He walked over to me slowly, and knelt down in front of me. "Do you want me to leave?" I whispered. "No." He said fervently, wiping the tears from my eyes. "I didn't know he was coming, Edward. I swear I didn't know." I exclaimed. "I know, love. I'm sorry. I was caught off guard, and I didn't think. I was a total asshole." He apologized.

"You can't do that to me, Edward. You can't say things like and then just leave." I chastised. "I know. It won't happen again. I'm so sorry." He whispered. I hissed in pain as he grabbed my sore hand. "What happened?" He asked with a sigh. "I punched Jacob in the nose." I replied dryly. He laughed loudly. He kissed me sweetly, and helped me up. "Come on, Rocky, let's go ice your hand up while I call Carlisle."

**A/N: I felt guilty for waiting so long to update so here's two chapters for you. Don't get spoiled it won't happen very often. =] Please leave me some reviews! I enjoy hearing your thoughts on my story!**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. Thanks so much for the reviews, and adding my story to your alerts! Please continue to shower with your love and affection, and I will return the favor in the form of this story! =] Deal? Song for this chapter-"It will rain"-Bruno Mars **

"Well, it's not broken." Carlisle stated with a frown. "But?" Edward asked quietly. "Nothing. Miraculously it's just swollen from the impact. It'll be bruised for a few days, but you can take some over the counter pain medication for the soreness. Why is there always violence when the two of you are together?" Carlisle asked, shaking his head. I sighed heavily. "Look, I told you. Edward and I weren't fighting. I punched Jacob this time. I swear. Edward wasn't even here when it happened." I explained for the umpteenth time in the last hour. It didn't matter that I was only telling half of the truth because Edward and I _were_ fighting, but Carlisle didn't need to know that.

"And why did you hit Jacob?" Carlisle asked dryly. "He pissed me off! He won't take the hint that it's over between me and him, and he was threatening to lie to Edward about it. I did the only thing I could think of at the time to get through to him." I said with a shrug. Edward smiled, but Carlisle gave me a disapproving look. "What?" I sighed, biting my lip.

"It really worries me that you're so…passive, and almost encouraged by violence. I'm beginning to think I should have finagled you going to anger management as well into our deal." He explained sadly. I groaned. "I'm not encouraged by violence, Carlisle. I just…look; I grew up with violence okay? It's a little hard to shake off the tendency to use violence when I'm angry. I've been doing a lot better with the exception of today. I promise." I explained, pacing the floor. I hated it when I disappointed anyone I loved, but it was especially hard to deal with when it was Carlisle or Esme. They were basically the only parents I'd had since I was eighteen years old. Who likes disappointing their parents? Not this girl.

"Speaking of anger management. Edward, weren't you supposed to sign up for a class?" Carlisle asked, attempting to change the subject. "That's where I was while Bella was using Jacob's face for a punching bag. I signed up for it today, and my first class is next Wednesday." Edward responded. He did? It doesn't take thirteen frigging hours to sign up for an anger management class; so either he was lying, or (and this was the more likely scenario) he went elsewhere as well. I made a mental note to ask him about that later. You know, when Carlisle wasn't around to assume we were fighting again.

Carlisle grabbed my left hand suddenly, forcing me to stop pacing, and stared hard at the ring on my finger. I gulped. This was surely going to be another argument. _Crapola._ He let go, and started pacing himself. _Man!_ "Carlisle, I know what you're thi-"

"Is this really in either of your best interest?" He demanded, cutting Edward off. "Do you have any idea the work it takes to make a marriage work? You two can't even live in the same house together without beating the shit out of each other, and you want to get _married?_" He yelled angrily. "What the hell are you thinking, Edward? We talked about this last week! You two are _not_ compatible together! I thought I made that abundantly clear when you asked for this weekend alone together? You assured me you were putting an end to all of this, and instead you propose to her? Are you completely insane?" He continued, pacing faster. _What the hell is he talking about?_ I shot a questioning look in Edward's direction, and he held up a finger. Why did I have to wait? Make Carlisle wait!

"Carlisle, I told you I was going to make our situation right. I never once said I was putting an end to anything. I thought I made my position on how I feel about Bella very clear to you. I had no intention of ending anything, and I told you as much when you suggested it. Bella means everything to me! Everyday our love gets stronger. How could you expect me to give up my life?" Edward replied fervently.

"Your life? Oh, please! Your life is just beginning you can do much better than this, Edward!" Carlisle scoffed. _Ouch._ "Wow, Carlisle. I never knew you thought so little of me." I said quietly. Carlisle stopped pacing, and stared doe-eyed at me. "Oh, Bella. I didn't mean that the way it sounded. I love you as if you were my own daughter I could never mean that towards you. I just meant the situation you two are in is not good. You both deserve better." He explained softly. "Yeah, okay." I snorted, shaking my head.

"Carlisle, I think you should go. We should talk about this later on when tempers aren't flaring." Edward stated calmly. Carlisle nodded his head. "You're right. I'm sorry, Bella. I honestly didn't mean anything toward you." He said, walking to the door. The minute he was gone I buried my face in my hands and started sobbing. Edward wrapped his arms around me, and held me tightly against his body. "I'm sorry, love. He just doesn't understand." He whispered after my sobs had died down.

"You said he was okay with us spending the weekend together. You said he didn't care." I accused, pushing away from him. "I didn't want to upset you, love. I was trying to avoid this." He replied quietly. "Your father hates me! He thinks I'm no good for you!" I exclaimed as fresh tears began falling. "Bella, that isn't true. He loves you! He's just worried about us!" Edward replied, stepping towards me. I stepped back, and put a hand up to stop him from coming closer. "He's right, Edward. I am no good for you. Look at all the shit I've done to you! To us! I broke us! You shouldn't be with me!" I yelled. I ran to the bathroom, and locked myself in.

"Bella! Open the door!" Edward yelled, banging on the door. "Go away!" I yelled back. "I'm not going anywhere until you open this damn door!" He exclaimed, still banging. I slid down to the floor, and wiped at the tears that were continuously falling. I didn't deserve Edward. I've always known it, but Carlisle made it perfectly clear to me tonight. He did deserve better than me. Better than the shit I've done to him. Edward quit banging on the door, and I heard a soft thunk against it. I sighed, and leaned my head back against the door.

"Bella, please open the door." Edward pleaded quietly from the other side. I remained silent. "I'm not leaving you, love. You're everything to me. I need you." He continued. Still, I said nothing. I heard him singing something, and pressed my ear against the door to better hear. I smiled to myself when I realized what he was singing.

"If you ever leave me baby, leave some morphine at my door. Cause it would take a whole lot of medication, to realize what we used to have we don't have it anymore. There's no religion that could save me, no matter how long my knees are on the floor." I bit my lip to keep from laughing out loud. It was cute, but he definitely couldn't sing a lick. "Cause there'd be no sunlight if I lose you baby. There'd be no clear skies, if I lose you baby. And just like the clouds my eyes would do the same. If you walk away, every day it will rain, rain, rain." I moved away from the door, and unlocked it. Within seconds it was open, and Edward was holding me in his arms.

"I'm sorry." I whispered after a couple minutes of silence. He pulled away just enough to look me in the eye, and there were tears in his eyes. "You can't walk away from me, love. I need you too much." He whispered reverently. I wiped the tears out of his eyes, and smiled at him. "How could I leave you when you serenade me like that?" I joked. He laughed. "Please, we both know I shouldn't quit my day job." It was my turn to laugh. My stomach chose that minute to rumble loudly, and I blushed in embarrassment. Edward chuckled, and led me into the kitchen. He reheated our Chinese food from last night, and we sat at the kitchen table to eat.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my conversation with Carlisle. I just didn't want to upset you." Edward said between bites. I swallowed my own bite, and shook my head. "You don't have to apologize. I understand why you didn't tell me, and I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing if the roles were reversed. I just wish he had more faith in us." I replied quietly. "We'll just have to prove him wrong, love. And, given the way things have been going for us lately that shouldn't be too hard to do." He stated confidently. I nodded in agreement. We ate the rest of our meal in silence, and went into the living room to watch some television. We were just getting comfortable when my phone chirped. I sighed and went to retrieve it.

_You two aren't bailing on me tonight! Get ready! We're going out!-A_

"Uh, Edward. Your sister wants us to go out with her tonight. She said we're not bailing on her." I stated dryly. Edward chuckled. "Well, do you really want to upset her two nights in a row?" He asked with a grin. I thought about that for a moment, and shook my head no. "I'll let her know. What do you think? About an hour?" I asked. He nodded and went to take a shower.

_Getting ready. Meet you in an hour?-B_

_Sounds good! Meet us at The Green Room.-A_

_See you then!-B_

I put my phone on the table, and went to join Edward in the shower. An hour and a half later, we were _almost_ ready to leave. Edward looked hot in a pair of jeans, and dark green t-shirt with a black vest over it and his chucks. I was dressed in a pair of black leggings, and red tunic. I put on a chunky silver bracelet, some silver hoops, and applied some light make up. I decided to leave my hair loose around my face. I slipped a ponytail holder on my wrist just incase. No doubt we'd be dancing, and if I got too hot I wanted to be able to rectify the situation. I grabbed my phone, and my purse and we headed out the door.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. I'm going on vacation next week so this will be the last chapter I post until I return as I have a CRAP load of stuff to do before I leave. Sorry. =[ Leave me lots of love while I'm gone, and maybe I'll have two chapters ready to post by the time I get back! =]] Song for this chapter- "Shake it"-Metro Station. **

We found Alice and the rest of the group at a table near the back of the club. I hated clubs almost as much as I hated dancing, but I always had fun when we went out. My main complaint with clubs like this one; the drunken idiots. While it was fun to laugh at their drunkenness, it wasn't so fun being groped by drunken guys, or stepped all over by other drunk patrons. We'd barely been here ten minutes and my feet already hurt from being stepped on. I loved my trusty ballet flats, but they were no match for heels and boots.

"It's about time you got here! I was beginning to think you'd changed your minds!" Alice yelled over the music. "I'm too chicken to blow you off two nights in a row, Alice!" I yelled back. She laughed loudly, and leaned into me. "I saw Jacob earlier, but I think he left. Just thought I should warn you. I ordered you a bahama mama, and three shots." She said lowly. "What if I didn't want to drink tonight?" I asked with a smirk. She glared at me and shook her head. "Rosalie isn't drinking tonight. You are not making me drink alone." She threatened. I looked at her seriously, and leaned in to whisper, "What if it isn't a good idea for me to drink because of…you know…" She laughed. _Laughed._ I ask her a legitimate question, and the woman laughs at me.

"Bella, you worry too much. Trust me everything will be fine. No fights tonight." She whispered back. I shot her a yeah right look, and turned to Edward. "Alice is trying to get me drunk!" I yelled. "So get drunk! Have fun! That's what we're here for, love." Edward yelled back with a smile. Well, that did not go the way I intended it to. He's usually on my side. My drinks arrived, and I stared at the shots for a minute, debating. I shrugged, and threw one back. We were both in good moods, and he was right. We were here to have fun. I did have a tendency to over analyze everything anyway, so tonight I promised myself I wouldn't do that. I'd just have fun! Although drinking did make me want to smoke, and I hadn't had a cigarette in over a week.

"Chew some gum. You'll be fine." Alice yelled with a smirk. Damn her and her psychic ways. I shook my head, and threw back another shot. I reached for the last shot with my left hand, and Rosalie _screamed_. Loudly. I put a hand up to my chest, as if that would slow my racing heart, and glared at her. "Bella! What the fuck is that?" She demanded excitedly, pointing to my left hand. Are you fucking kidding me? She screamed as if she just watched her best friend get murdered over a ring on my finger? Seriously people. I smiled widely despite myself, and held out my hand for her. She grabbed it, and practically pulled me across the table as she inspected my ring. "Congratulations you guys! This is awesome!" Emmett boomed, clapping Edward on the back. Jasper shook Edward's hand, and hugged me tightly. "It's about damn time! We need to toast to this!" He yelled waving a waitress down. He ordered six more shots and a beer for him and Edward.

"One shot, and one beer. That's it. I have to drive us home." Edward declared quickly. He kissed me chastely on the lips, and smiled. I turned to Alice to see her beaming with delight. "You don't look surprised Alice." I accused playfully. "Well, of course I'm not surprised silly! I helped pick out the ring!" She exclaimed with a laugh. Of course she did. Just like I helped Jasper pick out her ring two years ago. Why they still weren't married was a mystery to me, but I suspect it had to do with Alice's need to throw an insanely huge wedding for herself. Better her than me. Our drinks arrived, and we held them up together in the center of the table.

"Here's to Edward and Bella! May you be blissfully happy together for years to come!" Jasper bellowed. We clinked our shots together, and chugged them down quickly. I took a sip of my bahama mama and then chugged my shot from earlier. "Enough drinking! Let's dance!" Rosalie yelled, grabbing mine and Alice's hands. We fought our way through the crowd onto the dance floor, and began dancing to Christina Aguilera's "Dirty". I knew we all looked like fools, but it was okay. The shots were starting to blur my judgment and I found myself not caring so much. We danced for awhile and I was beginning to get tired when I felt two strong arms wrap around my waist and grind against me. I turned around to smile up at Edward, only it wasn't him. I stopped dancing immediately, and pulled away from Jacob.

Alice and Rosalie came to stand in front of me as I glared at Jacob. He smiled, but the way his nose was swollen made it look more like a grimace. _Good to know I did some damage fucker._ It was hard to see in the darkness of the club, but he appeared to have two black eyes as well. Hopefully his nose was completely broken. "Oh, come on. I just wanted one dance before I left." He said with a grin. He looked sinister against the darkened room, and I found myself shrinking away from him further. I'd never been afraid of Jacob before tonight, but something about the way he was looking at me had me scared to death. I couldn't see Edward so chances were he couldn't see me either, and that worried me as well. To top it all off, I couldn't scream for Edward either due to the music. _Damn it! Stupid asshole has to ruin everything._

"Go away, Jake. I mean it." I growled angrily. "Dance with me and I'll leave." He promised. "No fucking way. Get lost!" I yelled. He took a step forward, but Alice and Rosalie stood firm against him. He wasn't getting through them without causing a scene, and I'm pretty sure he didn't want to do that. Otherwise he could have forced his way past them already. "Fine. I'll leave you alone. For tonight." He warned, and walked away. I sighed in relief and leaned against Alice as she came to comfort me. "Let's go back to the guys. I think we need a break from dancing." Rosalie stated, leading the way. I followed happily between her and Alice until we reached the table. Once there I wrapped my arms around Edward, and held onto him tightly.

"What's the matter, love?" He asked, concern lacing his tone. "Jacob was just here. He said he was leaving but I don't know." I explained quickly. "Do you want to leave?" He asked pulling back to stare into my eyes. Did I? I was having fun until that jackass showed up, and I didn't want him to dictate how my night went now. "No, not yet. Just stay close, okay?" I pleaded. He nodded and kissed the top of my head. Alice left, and returned a few minutes later with six more shots. She gave two to me, two to Rosalie, and kept two for herself. We toasted again, and swallowed the shots down quickly. We sat there for awhile and people watched. It was quite humorous watching how drunk and stupid people were acting, but of course, we weren't much better off by that time.

We ordered some more drinks, and attempted to talk over the noise. After awhile we decided to try dancing again. This time the guys came with us. Edward wrapped his arms around my waist, and I grinded against him. It felt so good to have him against me this way. A few minutes into the dance Edward began kissing my neck, and licking along my jaw line. I turned around in his arms, and kissed him deeply. He groaned into my mouth, and I pulled away smiling. I grabbed his hand and led him to the bathroom. He arched a brow when I shoved him against the door, and locked it. "Why, Bella, what on earth on you doing?" He asked sarcastically. I checked to make sure no one else was in there before I walked back over to him. I kissed him passionately, and unzipped his jeans. I pulled his member out, and began pumping my hand back and forth alternating between fast and slow. He moaned in pleasure and kissed me, thrusting his tongue in my mouth. He moved away from the door, and picking me up, carried me over to the counter. I pulled my pants down, and sat on the edge of the sink as he quickly thrust himself inside of me.

I kissed him again, groaning into his mouth. He moved faster inside of me and within minutes I was screaming my release right along with him. He kissed me sweetly on the lips, and pulled out of me. We adjusted our clothing, and went back out on the dance floor to rejoin our friends. Having sex in the bathroom of a club wasn't high on my priority list, but I was just drunk enough to not care. We danced awhile longer before heading back to our table for some more drinks. By the time we decided to call it a night it was well after three in the morning, and I was completely shit faced. I don't even remember the drive home, or how I got into bed for that matter. But, the one thing I would always remember was for the first time in a very long time I had gotten drunk, and Edward and I did not have a fight. _Go us!_

I awoke the next day with a major headache, and nausea out the ass. I groaned and pulled the covers over my head. I heard Edward chuckle beside me and I glared at him through the blanket. He pulled the blanket off of my head, and smiled. "Don't look at me in that tone of voice." He chided playfully. "Shh! Not so loud." I whispered. He laughed a little too loud for my liking, and I playfully swatted at his head. He got up and went into the bathroom, returning with two aspirin and a glass of water. I swallowed the pills and smiled gratefully at him. I forced myself to get up and shower, and dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt. I padded out to the living room, and settled in next to Edward. We spent the day watching bad made for television movies, and eating the pizza Edward had ordered for us.

I was extremely happy with the way our lives were going. We hadn't had an actual fight in a long time, and even with the little arguments we'd had we managed to work out the differences. My therapy was going really well, and we were now engaged! As we cuddled together that evening I couldn't help but wonder; when is the other shoe going to drop? And with that thought came Jacob and his warning from the last night at the club. I had originally thought he would take no for answer and leave us alone, but now I wasn't so sure. What other tricks did he have up his sleeve? And would Edward and I be able to withstand anymore? I'd like to say yes, we could withstand anything life threw at us, but with our past I just didn't know. And that scared me more than anything else.

**A/N: Hope you all enjoy! I will try very hard to update one more time before I go out of town, but again I doubt it will happen. Leave me loads of reviews! =] **


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do own is a long list of things that still need to be done before I leave tomorrow. =/ Eh, I prefer writing anyways. Couldn't find a good enough song for this chapter, so there isn't one. Sorry. =] **

The next three months flew by rather uneventfully. I did manage to land a job at the pharmacy as a cashier, and between that, therapy, and spending time with Edward I was constantly doing something. It was nice to be busy all the time; it kept my mind from thinking about Jacob. He still hasn't given up; if anything he's gotten worse with the text messages and popping up at places he shouldn't know I'm at. The one downside to being busy is that that's when my immune system usually decides to fail me. And it was no different this time around. I'd been fighting off the flu for the last three weeks which, given that it was the early part of December, shouldn't surprise me, but I hated it none the less. I was constantly tired, and if I wasn't throwing up I was as nauseous as I possibly be, and I wasn't sleeping well because I could barely breathe, or I was throwing up.

Carlisle had already given me IV fluids on three separate occasions, and he had threatened to admit me to the hospital if I needed it again. I was praying I didn't. Edward wanted to take me last night, but I wouldn't let him. The only reason he wanted me to go was because I didn't argue when Carlisle said hospital. However, just because I didn't argue didn't mean I wanted to go; I just didn't have the energy to argue. Tonight was no different. I'd spent the last three hours trying to convince Edward that I didn't need to go to the damn hospital because I wasn't throwing up, and he kept telling me I was dehydrated. I would think I'd be the first person to know if I was in fact dehydrated, but he was so overbearingly protective there was no arguing with him. So, we were now sitting in the living room of our apartment, waiting for Carlisle to get here. The only way Edward would relent was if Carlisle examined me, and determined for himself whether or not I was dehydrated.

"Bella, please talk to me. Don't be angry with me for this." Edward pleaded from the opposite end of the couch. I crossed my arms, and bit the inside of my cheek to keep from talking. I was a little cranky these days. Getting little to no sleep will do that to a person and throwing up all the time will also do that. That didn't mean we needed Carlisle to make a fucking house call. I sighed, and bit down harder on my cheek. I would not talk. I would not talk. I would _not_ talk. He sighed heavily, and rubbed a hand over his face.

"Please talk to me. You know I'm only doing this for your benefit so how can you be angry at me for that? Carlisle will be here any minute. Do you really want him to us like this again?" He asked, turning to face me. I stared at the wall, and tried very hard not to say anything. It served him right if Carlisle did walk in and see us fighting again. He's the one who insisted on calling Carlisle in the first place. _Stupid overprotective stubborn man._ Besides, we weren't actually fighting. I just wasn't talking to him. There was a knock at the door, and Edward sighed before getting up.

"Last chance." He pleaded. I arched a brow, but said nothing. He shook his head and went to answer the door.

"Where's the patient?" Carlisle greeted a smile in his voice. He thought this whole thing was rather amusing. I begged to differ, but hey who was I? "Hello, Bella dear. How are you feeling?" Carlisle asked, coming to sit beside me.

"I'm perfectly fine, Carlisle." I replied tersely. He held up his hands in surrender. "Don't be mad at me. I'm just the doctor being brought in the middle." He joked with a smile. I smiled back, and shook my head. "You should have stayed home. It's too cold for you to come out for nothing." I stated. He arched a brow. "Have you heard yourself speak lately? You sound terrible, and you don't look much better. I wasn't going to take the chance of not coming." He replied. I huffed loudly, and then bent over in a coughing fit.

"Oh yeah, Bella. I'm here for nothing all right." He mumbled, taking out his stethoscope. He made me breathe in and out a few times which in turn made me cough, and then checked my temperature. "No fever so that's good. Go in the bathroom and pee in this cup." He stated, handing me a small cup. "You've never made me do that before. Since when do you start carrying urine tests?" I asked arching a brow. He smiled. "I have a hunch. So, I made a special trip by the office. Go." He demanded pushing me lightly. I sighed heavily, but did as he asked. When I was finished he came into the bathroom with me, holding a small stick.

"What is that?" I asked quietly. He dropped the stick in the cup, and waited. Five long minutes later he looked at me with a disapproving look. "What?" I demanded, looking at the stick. I didn't see anything out of the ordinary but then it just looked like a stick with different colors on it to me. "Bella, I hate to tell you this, but you are most definitely dehydrated. You may as well go pack a bag, and get on with it because you're going to the hospital." He stated in a tone that left no room for argument. _Damn it all to hell._ I trudged slowly to our room, and pack a bag with enough clothes for three days. Hopefully I wouldn't be there that long, but you never can tell with Carlisle.

Two hours later I was in my own room at the damn hospital. They'd pulled enough blood from me to feed a vampire for a week, and made me pee on more than one stick. I didn't understand why I had to go through so many tests if Carlisle had already narrowed down the problem, but again what did I know? Edward was sitting beside me looking very smug. I wanted to smack that stupid smile off of his face. Okay, no I didn't, but it was fucking annoying. I told him as much on the way over here, and all he did was laugh and say, "Oh, are you talking to me now?" _Humph. Stupid know it all._ Carlisle had gone home an hour ago saying it would do him no good to be here they wouldn't let him look at my chart anyway because he was family. I'd even tried requesting him to be my doctor, but to no avail. They just kept saying he was family. _Ugh. Whatever._

"I'm going to go get some coffee. You want anything?" Edward asked standing up. I shook my head no and gave him my cheek when he tried to kiss me. He walked out laughing. _Jerk._ If it was him in this hospital bed he'd be doing the same damned thing. A few minutes later a nurse came walking in with a bag of fluids, and some pills in a small cup.

"Alright, Ms. Swan. The doctor wants you started on an antibiotic for a urinary tract infection, and a prenatal vitamin. And I've got some Tylenol because you do have a small fever. Here you go." She stated, handing me the cup with the pills in it. I swallowed the pills, and then it hit me. She said _prenatal_ vitamin. .Hell? "What's the prenatal vitamin for again?" I whispered. She stopped hooking up the fluids, and stared at me as if I were stupid. "You're pregnant, Ms. Swan."

"WHAT?" I screamed nearly falling out of bed. "Ms. Swan, please calm down." The nurse stated, helping me get situated in the bed again. "It's Bella. Are you sure?" I asked a bit quieter this time. She smiled, and nodded. "Oh." I replied intelligently. "When will the doctor be in to talk to me again?" I asked after a minute. "In the morning. If you need him sooner I can try and catch him before he leaves, but it's pretty late sweetie." She answered finishing up with the IV. "No, that's okay. I just, uh, had some questions, but I can wait." I mumbled. I felt like I might pass out at any given second, but I tried to reign it in before Edward got back. He walked in as the nurse was walking out, and rushed over to me the minute he saw my expression.

"What's wrong?" He demanded gently. "Well, I have a fever, and a UTI, and I'm pregnant." I said quickly. He stared at me doe-eyed for a few minutes, and then he started pacing the room. Yeah. That was pretty much the same reaction I had. I rolled over on my side, and closed my eyes with a sigh which turned into another coughing fit. _Damn cold._ How did this happen? I was on birth control for crying out loud. I had no idea about how far along I was either because I didn't have periods with this birth control. At least three weeks I guess. That's when I started feeling sick. _Hell._ I had no idea. I'd just have to wait for the doctor and ask all my questions and get all my answers from him. _Fuck my life._ I wasn't sure how to feel about this. A part of me was really freaking out, but a bigger part of me was excited. Really excited.

A baby. We were having a baby. I was getting a second chance at being a mother. I smiled to myself, and placed a hand over my abdomen. I wouldn't lose this one. I would do everything the doctor told me to do, and then some. No way was I losing this baby. No fucking way. I jumped when I felt the bed shift under Edward's weight, and snuggled into him as he wrapped an around my waist. His hand covered mine on my belly, and I smiled wider.

"We're having a baby." He whispered into my hair.

**A/N: Surprise! =] Sorry it's a little short, but I was crunching time as it was to get this in before I leave tomorrow. Hope you all enjoyed! Please leave me some lovin'! **


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. I'm back! And feeling very refreshed! I know some of you are concerned about the baby situation but all I can say is keep reading, and remember that this story is some of my own real past. =] Here's another chapter for your reading pleasure. Hope you enjoy! Song for this chapter-"Papa Don't Preach"-Madonna.**

The doctor came in bright and early the next morning. We discussed my concerns about taking antidepressants and mood stabilizers while pregnant, as well as Edward's concern about my miscarriage. We were told that since I was older, and my body was more mature and there was no medical reason why I wasn't able to carry the last baby that we shouldn't be as worried this time around, and Jan came in to see me and we decided the best course of action was for me to stop taking my medication. There was no safe anti-depressant for pregnancy, and I didn't want to risk my baby's life by taking something we were unsure of. I would still continue therapy every week, and Jan assured me that with some minor adjustments I should be fine without the meds. I was still a little worried about that part, but I was more concerned with the baby's safety.

I still had to stay at least one more night in the hospital because I was so dehydrated, but I was alright with that. You could have told me the sky was falling and I'd be okay with it. I was ecstatic about being pregnant again. We were scheduled to have an ultrasound in a few hours to determine how far along I was since we couldn't go by my last period, and I could not wait. I'd get to see my little peanut for the first time. I didn't even get to do that with my last pregnancy. There were so many things I was looking forward to doing this time around, and that was mainly because I would get to experience it all with Edward. I think he was more excited than I was if that were even possible. His eyes just lit up the room every time one of us mentioned the baby.

"Knock knock." Carlisle greeted from the open doorway. I smiled as he and Esme walked into the room and sat down next to my bed. "This is an unexpected surprise." I said still smiling.

"Well, I had to make sure you weren't still mad at Edward for only being concerned for your safety." Carlisle explained with a smile of his own. "I wasn't really mad. Just pouting a little." I laughed. "How are you feeling dear?" Esme asked patting my arm. I looked at Edward and grinned. I turned back to Esme and Carlisle. "I'm great actually. I'm glad you stopped by, we have some big news to share with you." I stated, biting my lip. I could tell you with absolute certainty how this was going to play out, but Edward and I had talked it over and we decided to tell everyone right away. We weren't going to keep it a secret for any length of time. There was no point.

"We're having a baby!" I exclaimed with a wide grin. _And cue crickets._ It was completely silent for a _very_ long time, and then Carlisle jumped up suddenly. "Edward I'd like to have a word with you outside." He demanded walking out. Edward blew out a long breath, and followed his father. I turned to Esme to see that she was smiling with tears in her eyes.

"Bella, I'm so happy for you. Alice told me about your miscarriage and it broke my heart, but now you get a second chance." She said, wiping her eyes. Tears sprung to my own eyes and I tried to keep them at bay. "I was so worried you'd feel the same way as Carlisle." I said quietly. She waved a hand in the air. "He's just being a father, dear. He's worried about the two of you that's all. I am too, but I can see how much better you're both doing. And, I know how it feels to lose a child. You must be so excited for another chance. I couldn't be happier for you!" She exclaimed squeezing my hand. I sat up and gave her a tight hug as the tears rolled freely from my eyes.

"I am so excited about this, Esme. I am a little afraid though. I don't know what I'd do if I lost this baby, too." I confessed. "Oh, I don't think you have anything to worry about. You're perfectly healthy." She replied quickly. Carlisle and Edward came back in at that moment, and neither of them looked to happy. I sighed heavily, and was about to speak when Carlisle opened his mouth.

"I'll tell you the same thing I told Edward. This is not a good idea. I don't know what you were thinking, but having a child is not the best thing for you two right now. I can't believe that you would even think of bringing a child into the environment that you two are living in." He exploded.

"We weren't _thinking_ anything, Carlisle. I was on birth control. We didn't plan for this to happen it just did." I snapped angrily. "And for the record, the _environment _we've been living in for the past several months has been great. We haven't had a fought, or even had a real argument in months. We aren't living in the past so why are you?" I demanded.

"You haven't fought because you've been on medication, Bella! What's going to happen now that you aren't taking it?" He asked.

"I spoke with my doctor about that today, and she was planning on taking me off the medication soon anyway. Nothing bad is going to happen, Carlisle. Why can't you just be happy for us?" I demanded.

"How can I be happy for you when I'm watching you two make every mistake there is to make? First you say you're going to get married; now you're having a baby! You're moving way too fast! I cannot condone this behavior!" He yelled.

"No one is asking you to _condone_ anything!" I yelled back. "By living under my roof you are!" He snapped.

"That's fine. Bella will move back in with me then." Edward spoke up angrily. "That's not what I meant!" Carlisle yelled. "Then what did you mean?" Edward demanded.

"I want you to put the baby up for adoption. You are not ready to live together or get married, and you are certainly not ready for a baby!" Carlisle exclaimed. I just stared at him in complete shock.

"Carlisle!" Esme exclaimed angrily. "I have sat back and watched you give your opinions about a lot of things over the years, and most of the time I agree with you, but not this time! These are our children you're speaking to in that way! This is none of your business! Haven't you been paying attention the last few months? Haven't you seen the way they behave towards each other now? How different it is? I can't believe you would even suggest such a thing!" She yelled.

"Carlisle, the last few months Edward and I have played by your rules. We've done everything you've asked us to within reason, but Esme is right. This is none of your business. The fact that you would even suggest such a thing shows how little you've been paying attention to us, or how much you know about me. As soon as I'm released from the hospital I'll be over to get my things. I understand that you don't approve of me or my relationship with your son and that's fine, but I'm not going to stay somewhere I'm not wanted." I explained quietly.

"Bella, I-"

"I think you should go. You've said enough." I demanded, cutting Carlisle off. He sighed, but walked out without saying anything else. Esme gave us both a hug and promised she'd talk to him for us. Edward walked her to the door, and then shut it as she left. He began pacing the floor and shaking his head.

"The nerve of him! I can't believe he would say those things to us! To you!" He exclaimed angrily. I let him ramble on and pace a while longer before I patted the bed, and he came to sit beside me. I grabbed his hand, and squeezed it tightly. With a sigh, he leaned back in the bed and wrapped an arm around me.

"He's doing what any father who loves and cares for his family would be doing, Edward. He's worried about us and the decisions we're making that's all." I stated quietly. "Don't make excuses for him." He scoffed. "I'm not, Edward. It's the truth. If you're child were in a situation like ours you'd be doing the same thing, and so would I. Just because we know how well we're doing doesn't mean he does. We should try not to be so hard on him." I explained. He sighed and kissed the top of my head lightly.

We lay there for awhile, and dozed off until the doctor came in to do our ultra sound. He put that cold crap on my stomach, and after a minute we could see the baby. It was amazing. We got to hear the heartbeat and everything. He said from the measurements of the baby I looked to be about fourteen weeks along. That would put me at the end of the first trimester. I couldn't believe I was that far along already, and that I hadn't noticed anything. The doctor said that was common for first time mothers to be though so I wasn't worried about it. He printed some pictures off for us to keep, and made a cd of the baby and her heartbeat. Yes! He said it looked like a girl! Edward was ecstatic about that. I wasn't too sure I had kind of wanted a boy, but truthfully as long as the baby is healthy I didn't care either way.

**A/N: Okay there ya go! I'll try to have another one up in a day or so but I'm still working on it so give me some time! Hope you enjoyed it! Leave me love!**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What does belong to me is a new pair of ear buds that won't stay in my ears. =/ gr. Here's another chapter. Song for this chapter is the same as last chapter. "Papa don't preach"-Madonna. Enjoy!**

I was released the next afternoon on the condition that if I started throwing up again I would immediately call the doctor. That seemed like a reasonable request; especially now knowing that I was pregnant. I would be obsessive about taking care of myself this time. I'm talking to the point that I'll be annoying myself along the way. Eh, it was worth it if the baby was taken care of. We left the hospital around one o'clock and headed to the pharmacy to fill my prenatal vitamin, and antibiotic as well as to pick up my work schedule. Edward didn't like the idea of me going back to work, but I informed him that I was pregnant, not handicapped. If I thought I was bad about being taken care of I had nothing on Edward. He had being overprotective down to a science. The whole time I was in the hospital he made me eat every two hours. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and small snacks in between each meal. If the nurse didn't bring my prenatal vitamin right at nine a.m. he was hunting her down. It was ridiculous, but also kind of cute.

It took us nearly an hour to get out of the pharmacy once we told everyone the news, and even then they were reluctant to let us go. My boss tried to give me a week off work with pay if I wasn't feeling up to being there, but I told him the same thing I told Edward. I actually wanted to work. I enjoyed it when I was there, and it made me feel like I was contributing something to our relationship. Especially now that we'd be living together again. Edward said I was being ridiculous, but I didn't care. I needed to feel like I was putting something more than just me into our lives. We headed to Carlisle's from the pharmacy and we were both surprised to see that Carlisle was home. I figured he'd use work as an excuse for why he couldn't be here to see me leave. Oh well; didn't mean we had to talk to him.

I headed upstairs to pack while Edward stayed in the kitchen to talk with his mother. I started in the bathroom, packing up my toiletries first. When I exited the bathroom I found that I was no longer alone. Carlisle was sitting on the bed, shuffling his feet. I put tossed the toiletries in my bag, and started folding my clothes. I wasn't going to be the one to start this conversation; especially considering I had no idea what he wanted. It took him five minutes to finally speak.

"I owe you an apology, Bella." He said quietly. I stopped what I was doing, and just stared at him. I waited for him to continue. That took another five minutes.

"It occurred to me yesterday when we left the hospital that I may be going about this the wrong way, and if I continue down that path I might just lose you and Edward. Edward is my son, and I consider you to be my daughter, and I can't lose either of you. It also occurred to me that the reason I've been so against the two of you is because I blamed you, and I've been afraid that things would go back to the way they were just a few short months ago. I've let that fear stop me from seeing how well you're doing now, and how much you've both changed.

"I'm not sure why I've only blamed you, but I have. And I know that isn't fair, but its true none the less." He explained softly.

I held back the tears threatening to fall, and sat down next to him. "I tried to tell you it was my fault, Carlisle." I said quietly. He shook his head. "But, Bella, it isn't just your fault. It's Edward's fault, too, and ours. We never saw the pain you were in, or tried to understand why you were acting so differently. And as I've said before Edward knows better than to put his hands on a woman. We were all wrong in one way or another, and I just wanted to apologize for not doing more to help you. And for not seeing how well you're doing now.

"It's not easy to accept that our children get older, and get married, and have babies you know. I'm struggling with that, but I promise to try harder. And to not get so upset when you deliver big news like you did yesterday." He stated confidently. I smiled, and wiped at the few tears that had escaped.

"I appreciate your saying that and all, but I still firmly believe it's my own fault. If I would have just told Edward about the miscarriage none of this would have happened, and we wouldn't be having this conversation right now." I explained.

"It's all water under the bridge now, dear. The point is that you two are both doing better, and I have to realize that." He replied quickly. I smiled, and nodded in agreement. "I'm scared, Carlisle." I whispered after a few minutes of silence.

"Of course you are. Having a baby is a big step, but I'm confident you'll be fine. You're too stubborn not to be." He joked. I laughed quietly, but shook my head. "That's not what I'm afraid of."

He sighed, and put an arm around me, hugging me to him for a minute. "Bella, you two will be fine. You've spent several nights together in the last few months, and you're still going to therapy. If your doctor was already planning on taking you off the medication then she must think you're doing better than you give yourself credit for. You just need to remember all of your coping skills, and think about the consequences not just for yourself, but for the baby if you two were to fight. You'll be fine." He explained reassuringly.

I kissed him lightly on the cheek, and thanked him for the vote of confidence. Once he left, I finished packing rather quickly and headed back downstairs with my bags. We said our goodbyes, and headed home, stopping by Taco bell on our way. Once home, I devoured my food, and part of Edward's. I felt like such a pig, but I was starving. I'd just eaten enough food to feed a small army, and I still felt hungry. Edward offered to go back to Taco bell, but I told him no. I made my way to the kitchen, and put together a chef salad, and a plate of apples with peanut butter. _Yum-o!_

"I feel like a pig." I muttered between bites of salad. Edward laughed at me and shook his head. "I'm just happy to see you eat and keep it down. You haven't much to eat in last few weeks, love." He replied. I finished my salad and most of the fruit before I finally felt full. I called Alice to chat while Edward took my dishes to the kitchen. After that we watched a movie on T.V until I fell asleep. I vaguely remember being carried to bed and snuggling next to Edward before I passed out again.

The next morning I woke up early and decided to take a shower since I didn't get around to it yesterday. I needed to get all the hospital grime off of me. I put on a pair of jeans, and frowned when they wouldn't button. I tossed that pair to the side, and grabbed another pair. Those didn't fit either. I tried one more pair and when those didn't fit I was mad. I threw on a pair of yoga pants, and a long sleeved t-shirt and hopped on the bed.

"Edward, we have a major problem." I declared, shaking him awake.

"What's wrong, love?" He mumbled sleepily.

"My jeans don't fit me anymore." I muttered with a pout. He chuckled. "It's not funny! I'm already getting fat!" I pouted some more.

"Bella, love, you're pregnant. Not fat. We'll go get you some maternity clothes and it will be fine." He stated with a grin. I rolled over onto my back, and pulled my shirt up. "You see that pouch? That's fat. I don't want to get fat." I groaned. He laid his hand gently across my abdomen and smiled wider. "That's our baby in there. Don't give her a complex about weight already." He joked. I grinned at him and pushed his hand away, pulling my shirt down in the process.

"I guess I'll call Alice. She'll get a kick out of buying me clothes no matter what the reason." I grumbled getting up. "Want me to go with you?" He asked, half asleep. "No, go back to sleep. Enjoy your Sunday morning. I'll be back before lunch." I replied walking out. I grabbed a granola bar and an apple on my way out the door, deciding to call Alice on my way to the mall.

Three hours later Alice and I were back at the apartment. We had spent way too much on clothes that I would only be wearing for nine months, but she insisted I needed all of them. I gave up after awhile. It was always best to let Alice have her way or else you were in for a major pouting session. And Alice pouting was serious business.

"I'm so excited! I'm going to be an aunt!" Alice exclaimed, nearly jumping off the couch in her excitement. "Chill out spark plug. I think you're more excited than I am." I said, only half joking. She laughed and shook her head. My stomach rumbled so I headed into the kitchen to make something with Alice on my heels.

"You want a grilled cheese and chef salad?" I asked pulling out the bread and butter. "No sandwich, but the salad sounds good. I'm on a diet." She replied. I stopped, and turned to glare at her. "You weight a buck oh five soaking wet, Mary Alice. Why the hell are you on a diet?" I ground out through my teeth. She grinned sheepishly. "Maybe diet is too strong of a word. I'm eating healthier, lighter meals. Better?" She asked quietly.

"Not really." I replied quickly. "Well, I've been gaining weight lately and my clothes are getting a little snug. So, I thought I'd just watch what I eat for awhile." She stated defensively. "Maybe you're pregnant, too." I joked. "Yeah right." She snorted. I grilled a sandwich for me and one for Edward while Alice made the salads. Once everything was ready I went to wake Edward up. He never slept this late; I hope that didn't mean he was getting what I had. Although, a lot of mine was due to being pregnant. I don't know what his excuse would be.

We ate and chit-chatted for awhile before Alice decided to head back home to Jasper. I spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning and doing laundry while Edward lounged on the couch. He was running a slight fever and I told him to take it easy for the day. Hopefully he'd be feeling better by the morning. We called it an early night as we both had to work the next morning; though if Edward wasn't feeling better I doubt he'd be going anywhere. I went to bed that night saying a silent prayer of thanks to whomever was watching out for us for all that He'd blessed us with, and hoping that nothing would go wrong with this pregnancy. I wasn't sure I could handle it if it did.


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. Thank **you** again for all your reviews, and adding my story to your alerts! It means the world to me! =] Song for this chapter-"Crazy for you"-Adele.**

The next morning came way too early, and as predicted Edward was worse. His fever was higher, he was coughing like crazy and he complained of a sore throat. I felt bad for him, and offered to stay home, but he refused. He said I didn't need to catch it again and to get out. So, I busied myself with getting ready for work, and before I left I made him some toast with lots of butter and my secret tea recipe for sore throats. I made sure he ate at least one piece of toast and drank the tea before I had to go. I hated leaving him home alone when he was sick, but he assured me he'd be fine.

My day at work was filled with lots of congratulations as news of my pregnancy spread around the building. It went by rather quickly and before I knew it it was time to go home. I stopped at the store on the way home to get some more ingredients for chef salad since that seemed to be what I was craving, and also the ingredients to make home made chicken noodle soup for Edward. I checked on Edward once I got home and found him still sleeping on the couch with T.V on. I covered him with a blanket, shut the T.V off and went to work making his soup. Once the soup was ready I made my own dinner and then headed into the living room.

"Edward, wake up. You need to eat this." I said, shaking him awake. It took me a few more tries to get him to wake up, but he did eventually. "How's your throat feel?" I asked after he'd taken a few bites. "It felt better earlier after I drank that tea, but now it's hurting again." He replied hoarsely. I put my food down, and went back to the kitchen to make some more tea. I brought it back to him, and sat down to finish eating.

We ate in silence and once we were both done I took our dishes to the kitchen, and washed the dishes and cleaned up the mess I'd made while cooking. By the time I got back into the living room Edward was passed out again. I let him alone and finished the laundry I didn't get done the previous day before making Edward move to the bedroom. Instead of cuddling next to him the way I normally would have I stayed a good distance from him. I missed the contact between us, but I really didn't want to get sick again. At least he wasn't throwing up like I was, but again that was from the pregnancy.

The next few days passed much like the first. Edward missed work the whole week, but by Friday evening he was feeling more like himself. His fever was finally gone, and his throat wasn't hurting quite as bad. We invited everyone over for dinner that night for a much needed sibling round up. It had been awhile since our last get together and that one had ended pretty badly so we needed a new memory to make up for it. I made a huge pot of chili, and a large cesar salad since Alice was still on her diet kick.

After we had all eaten as much as we could and then some, the girls helped me clean up the kitchen while the guys sat in the living room bullshiting each other. "So, Alice have you lost any weight yet?" Rosalie asked as were drying the dishes.

"Ugh, no. I feel like a cow. I've actually gained weight in the last couple of weeks. It's ridiculous." She groaned. "I'm telling you Alice, you're pregnant." I stated putting a dish away.

"I am not pregnant, Bella. I took a test. It was negative." She replied quickly. "Tests can be wrong." I shot back with a shrug. She glared at me. ".." She ground out. "Whoa, okay." I stated, holding my hands up in surrender. "Mood swings are common during pregnancy. Just incase you weren't aware." Rosalie snorted handing me another dish. I laughed and put the bowl away. Alice threw her towel down and stomped out of the room.

"She's so pregnant." Rose and I said together with a laugh. We finished putting the dishes away and headed back into the living room to join the guys and Alice. I sat down on the floor between Edward's legs so Rose could sit on the couch next to Emmett.

"Jasper, would you please tell those two that I'm not pregnant. They seem to think otherwise." Alice stated with a wry grin. I rolled my eyes and sighed heavily. "Actually, I kind of agree with them." Jasper said warily. Alice groaned. "Not you, too!" She whined.

"Oh my god, Alice! What is the big deal? If you're pregnant that's great! If not then too bad. Just call the damn doctor and find out for sure because your mood swings are kind of giving me whip lash." I snapped.

"Talk about mood swings. Sheesh, Bella take a breather over there." Rosalie quipped. I smiled and shook my head. "Hey, I am pregnant thank you very much. I'm entitled to mood swings." I joked. Everyone laughed, and Alice jumped up excitedly.

"Exactly! You're pregnant, Bella. I can't be pregnant at the same time you are! It ruins all your thunder." She exclaimed pointing at me. "What?" I blanched. Alice sat back down and looked a little embarrassed; which was a first for her.

"Okay, Alice. Seriously, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. That is not what you're honestly worried about right?" I asked. Alice bit her lip, and shook her head. I got up and grabbed Alice's hand, dragging her behind me to the bedroom. Rosalie followed and shut the door behind her.

"What's going on?" I demanded gently. Alice sat on the bed and put her head in her hands. I kneeled down in front of her, and pulled her hands away so I could see her face. She was crying. _Crap._

"Jasper isn't ready for a baby, and honestly I don't think I am either." She whispered. "I forgot to take my pill one day last month and I missed my period. I think I'm screwed." She confessed quietly. I blew out the breath I was holding, and tried to smile reassuringly.

"Have you been stressing about this since the uh, incident?" I asked. She nodded. "Alice, high levels of stress can cause you to miss your period. Have you been eating a lot lately?" Rosalie asked. "Yes, but I've been eating healthier foods." Alice replied.

"It doesn't matter, Alice. If you've been eating a lot more lately that's stress related, too. You probably aren't pregnant. You're just stressing yourself out. Call your doctor and get the test done just to be sure but I doubt you're pregnant." I explained quickly.

"Oh my god, Bella! Thank you!" Alice screeched throwing her arms around me tightly. "Don't thank me until you have that test done." I muttered. "I don't know what I'd do if I were actually pregnant. Jasper would probably leave me." She stated dejectedly. "Please, Alice. Jasper would never leave you." I snorted.

"I'm serious, Bella. We talked about this before he proposed and he said he wasn't ready to be a father, and wasn't sure he ever would be. I can't get pregnant." She explained sadly.

"You need to reopen that discussion because the guy out there wouldn't have said what he said so calmly if he really didn't want children. And you said that was before you two were engaged. I doubt he feels the same way now." Rosalie declared. Alice shook her head, and wiped her eyes. We waited a few more minutes and then headed back out to the living room.

I watched the way Jasper and Alice interacted with each other for the rest of the evening, and I just couldn't see what Alice was worried about. Not that I doubted he'd said he didn't want children, I just think he's changed his mind. The way he doted on her, and watched her so intently there was no way he was ever leaving her. We chatted for awhile longer before we decided to call it a night. We said our goodbyes to everyone and walked them outside. I breathed in the cold December night and watched everyone drive away. We were turning to go inside when something caught the corner of my eye. I turned around to see Jacob's car fly down the street. What was he stalking me now? _Great_.

I followed Edward back up to our apartment and shut and locked the door behind me. I helped Edward clean up the living room, and then we headed to bed. We crawled under the blankets and I lay there staring at the love of my life.

"What?" He asked with a small smile. "Just thinking about my conversation with Alice earlier, and feeling very lucky to have you in my life. You know I'm crazy about you right?" I asked, smiling myself. His smile grew. "I had a feeling you might be, but that's good. I'm crazy about you, love." He replied smoothly.

"I'm serious, Edward. I don't know where I'd be without you. We've been through so much, and no matter what you've stuck by me. I'm a very lucky girl to have you, and I just want you to know that I realize that and I will cherish you for the rest of my life." I gushed with a red face. I hated that I blushed so much, but I wouldn't change it because Edward loved it.

"I don't know what brought this on, but I do know that. I feel it every day, love. In the little things you do for me, the way you act around me, and how you talk to me. I feel it, and I hope you feel it, too." He stated gently rubbing a finger down my jaw.

"I just want you to know that I want to jump your bones right now, but since you aren't feeling a hundred percent yet I'll take a rain check." I joked. He laughed loudly, and kissed me lightly on the lips.

"I love you, too. Good night." He chuckled. "Edward?"

"Yes, love?"

"Thank you." I whispered. "For what, love?"

"For loving me."


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. It's been a rough few days for me so I apologize for the delay in this story. I'm doing a little better now and am feeling up to writing again so here we go. Song for this chapter-"Go to sleep"-Eminem. **

Though it was Saturday, Edward decided to go into work and get caught up on his lesson plans for the next week since he was out for the last week. I spent the first part of the morning cleaning house and doing laundry, and then walked to the café down the street for a light lunch and then to the pharmacy for more prenatal vitamins. After that I did some light shopping, picking up a few things for our little peanut that I thought were cute, and I also grabbed a baby book. I wanted to start updating things as they happened so I wouldn't forget them later on.

The entire afternoon I felt like I was being watched, but I knew I was just being paranoid. I stopped at the market for some more ingredients for chef salad, and then I spotted Jacob. A slice of fear ripped through me for a split second at the look on his face, but then he smiled and waved. I chalked it up to hormones and went over to say hello. He hadn't bothered me in a few months so I thought maybe he had given up and decided we could just be friends.

"Hey, Jake." I greeted with a smile. "Hey, Bells. Long time no see." He said with a smile of his own. "Hey, could we go somewhere and talk? I really need to apologize for my behavior awhile back and I'd feel better explaining everything to you." He asked still with a smile. I had a weird feeling, but I shook it off and invited him to the apartment with me.

We walked into the apartment and I went straight to the kitchen to put up the cold food I had purchased. I put the rest of my purchases away and went to sit in the living room with Jacob. It felt a little awkward, but I figured that was just because we hadn't seen each other in a while.

"Hey can I get a glass of water? I'm parched." Jake asked after a few minutes of silence. "Oh no, I can get it. You got to be tired from all that walking." He stated when I started to get up. "How far along are you now anyway?" He called from the kitchen. "Almost four months." I called back. I thought about that for a moment, and then realized I had never told Jake I was pregnant.

"Jake, I never told you I was pregnant." I stated, a bit shook up. I tried to calm myself with the fact that we knew a lot of the same people and anyone could have told him, but when he walked out of the kitchen wielding a butcher knife all thoughts ceased. My heart dropped to my feet, and I stood up.

"I can outrun you, Bella." He said dangerously low. He began toying with the knife in his hands, staring me down, and taking torturously slow steps towards me. "I've been keeping an eye on you for a while now, Bella. I have to admit, you disappoint me. I've given you plenty of opportunities to notice me, and you just look right past me. As if I'm nobody to you. As if everything we had meant nothing to you. As if _I_ meant nothing to you." He took another slow step toward me, and I backed up two. _Just keep him talking, Bella. Keep him distracted. _Edward's voice was running through my head. I couldn't think for myself, but obviously some part of me knew what to do. If I could just get him distracted enough, and get him to follow me around the coffee table I could get to the door and make a run for it. I just had to make it to the door.

"That isn't true, Jacob. You're my best friend of course you mean something to me. I've seen you around lately, but you don't stick around long enough for me to even acknowledge that you were there." I replied.

"Yeah, because you're always with _him_. You two are never apart long enough for me to talk to you. I mean, really Bella what am I supposed to do about that? I've asked you nicely more than once to leave him, but you won't. I proposed to you Bella! If I knew you wanted a baby I could have given you a baby! You two are so wrong for each other! Look at all the times he hit you! What kind of a man does that?" He demanded, taking another step toward me.

"Jacob, please listen to me. I love him. It doesn't matter what happened in the past. All that matters now is the future, and this baby is my future. If you love me like you say you do you won't hurt me or this baby. Please." I pleaded as tears began falling. I took a few more steps back, rounding the coffee table. He followed suit.

"I did love you, Bella. But now, now I just want to kill you." He launched forward and I turned around and ran for the door. I managed to get it open before he grabbed my hair and pulled me backwards. I kicked at his face and crawled towards the door. He grabbed my leg and started pulling me backwards. I grabbed at the doorframe, and screamed for help as loud as I possibly could. That was when I felt the first stab. It tore through my skin with ease making me scream out in pain this time. He pulled it out slowly, and stabbed me in the back again. This time lowering the knife down inch by torturous inch.

I let go of the door frame and rolled over to try and fight him off. He sliced through my hand before stabbing me in the stomach ripping another guttural scream out of me. All I could think about was the baby. I had to protect my baby. I kicked at him, and punched and tried everything to keep that knife from going near my stomach again, but to no avail. He stabbed me twice more before pinning my arms above my head, and kneeling over me. He had the most evil expression on his face, and I knew in that moment I was going to die. He lowered the knife to my lower abdomen and pushed it in as slowly as he could manage before ripping it back out just to do the same thing again.

I screamed again louder than I would have thought possible for someone to help me and then he had the knife at my throat. I was starting to get dizzy from the loss of blood, and knew that I had to fight back harder. I had to stay alive as long as possible. Someone had to hear me screaming. Help would come. It had to come. I kneed him in the groin, and turned to crawl away when he jerked away from me. I knew I was going too slowly but I just couldn't make my body move any faster. I was almost to the door but I couldn't move any more. It hurt too badly, and I was too weak. I felt a searing pain in my leg before my world went black.

**A/N: Sorry its short, and a cliffie. But the next chapter is Edwards pov and it was too much for one chapter. P.S the song in this chapter is Jacobs choice.**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is the need for a manicure! Song for this chapter-"When I'm Gone"-Eminem.**

**EPOV-**

The first thing I saw was blood. It was everywhere. All over the floor, the walls, the door. The next thing I saw was Jacob in handcuffs with a disgusting smirk on his face, and then I saw her. It took a few minutes to register that the bloody heap on the floor was my Bella, but when it did I felt as if my world were closing in around me. An EMT was bent over her, performing CPR; another was tending to her wounds. Each time he pumped her chest, trying to get her heart to beat mine broke a little more. I leaned against the wall to keep from falling over, and tried to breathe. This was my entire fault. I left her. I did this to her. If she died it was on me. I fought my way past two police officers and knelt in front of Bella's head.

"Sir, I need you to stay back." An EMT stated firmly. I glared up at him with tears in my eyes. "If she dies my voice will be the last thing she ever hears." I ground out. He eyed me for a minute, and then nodded in agreement. I bent my head down to her ear, and cradled her head in my hands.

"Bella, don't you dare die on me. I need you do you hear me? I can't live without you. You come back to me right now! I need you, love, please. Please come back to me. I love you, Bella. I'm so sorry. I'll never leave you again I swear it! Just come back to me!" I whispered fervently.

"Seth, we gotta call it man." An EMT stated to the man trying to save the love of my life. "What? No! Please, don't stop. Just give her a chance! Please! She's pregnant." I cried.

"Sir, I understand but we've been going at it for close to ten minutes with no response." Seth said quietly, still pumping her chest. "So what? There's a time limit now? I am begging you. Please do not give up on her." I pleaded as fresh tears streamed down my face.

"Sir, are you aware of the risks involved even if she does come back?" The other EMT asked.

"My name is Edward and I am well aware of the risks involved." I snapped angrily. I turned back to Seth. "Please, please do not give up on her yet." I whispered. Seth shook his head. "She's pregnant?" He asked. "Yes." I breathed. "Alright, lean her head back and stay back. Embry get over here and help me." He ordered. I kissed Bella's head, and stepped back maybe an inch. I didn't want to be much further away in case she woke up.

I watched them pump her chest and push oxygen through her still body, and prayed like I've never prayed before. I could not lose her. She was everything to me. I called Carlisle as I watched them work over her and informed him of the situation and asked him to let everyone else know. Just as I hung up I heard a small intake of breath and my heart stopped.

"Got a pulse! It's thready but its there! Let's get her to the bus!" Seth shouted. They moved quickly to get an oxygen mask on her and an IV in her arm and then moved her onto a gurney. I glared at the asshole who wanted to give up on my Bella as I ran after them down the steps. I climbed into the ambulance, and grasped onto Bella's hand. My eyes never left her face the entire ride to the hospital. Her eyes fluttered, but never fully opened. The only reassurance I had that she was going to be okay was her squeezing my hand the slightest bit. But that was enough for the time being.

When we arrived at the hospital I was shoved aside as they rushed Bella into the trauma room with the promise that a doctor would speak to me once they knew anything. I thought I'd go mad pacing the damn waiting room until Carlisle and the rest of the family showed up.

"Edward!" Esme exclaimed, hugging me tightly. "How is she son?" Carlisle asked. I bit back the tears threatening to fall, and shrugged. "No one has been in here for over an hour. I keep asking the nurses what's going on and all they can tell me is she's stable. I'm going insane." I explained hurriedly. Carlisle shook his head, and walked out of the room.

"She'll be fine, Edward." Alice murmured, giving me a quick hug. "I don't know pixie. She was out for almost fifteen minutes. That's a long time. She may not wake up, and if she does who knows what kind of life she'll have after this." I explained as the tears started falling.

"Come on, man don't think like that. You have to try and stay positive because when Bella wakes up she's gonna need a lot of positivity to get through this." Jasper stated. Carlisle walked in with another doctor right behind him, both looking very somber. I collapsed into a chair, and waited for the worst.

"I'm Dr. Conner, and I apologize for keeping you waiting so long. Your wife is in critical condition right now, but she is stable. She lost a great deal of blood, and we're giving her a transfusion as we speak. It's quite possible she'll need a few more of those throughout the night and into tomorrow morning, but I'll know more as time goes on. She's a fighter I'll give you that much." He explained quietly.

I let out the breath I was holding, and looked up at him. I didn't bother to fix his assumption. Carlisle more than likely gave him that assumption to begin with. "And the baby?" I asked.

"There was nothing we could do. I'm very sorry." Dr. Conner stated. "If you'd like to see your wife I'll escort you myself." He continued. I stood on weak knees, and followed behind him into Bella's room. She looked lifeless, laying there hooked up to so many IV's. I sat in a chair beside her bed, and held her hand. I talked to her for awhile before what the doctor had said finally sunk in, and then I broke down in tears with my family huddled around me. Our baby was gone, and it was my fault. If I had just stayed home today none of this would have happened. How could I go on with life knowing this was my fault?

I sat there, watching the love of my life drift in and out of consciousness for the next few days. In a way I envied her. She was oblivious to everything that had been going on the last few days, and if I had my way I'd keep it that way. When she did finally wake up it would be bittersweet. I had to deliver the worst possible news to her, and I had no idea how. I was worried about how she would react, but she was in the best possible place for her to be should something go wrong.

"Edward, why don't you go home for awhile? The only place you've been for four days is to the police station and the courthouse. Go home. Take a shower. Get some sleep." Esme said softly squeezing my arm. I sighed heavily and shook my head. "I'm not going anywhere until she wakes up. I don't want her to wake up to anyone else. And I sleep just fine here." I stated stubbornly.

Carlisle chuckled and shook his head. "Really, Edward. Now is the time to get some rest. She's going to need your full attention once she does wake up." He said with a small smile. He meant once I told her about the baby. I had no idea how I was going to do that. I'd be breaking her heart. With a heavy sigh I stood up. "I'll go home and grab a shower, but I'm coming right back. I can sleep here." I said defiantly. I started for the door, turned around, and sat back down.

"Edward?" Esme questioned, looking appropriately confused. "I can't go back there, Esme." I whispered. There was no way I could walk into that house and see all that blood, and not break down all over again.

"Its okay, Edward. Jasper and Emmett have taken care of everything. The carpet has been ripped up, and they've had a cleaning crew come in to remove the blood from every surface. It doesn't look the way it did that day. I promise." Alice informed me sympathetically. I sighed and shook my head. "I'll be alright for awhile longer." I murmured, holding Bella's hand again.

"I'll go get you some clothes, and you can meet me at Esme and Carlisle's house okay?" Alice suggested. I thought about it for a few minutes, and nodded. I could use a shower, and a break from this hospital chair.


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. I'm judging by the lack of reviews that everyone is mad at me. =[ I'm sorry. Please leave me some love anyway...or hate. Just let me know what you're thinking. Song for this chapter-"Hemorrhage (in my hands)"-Fuel.**

**Bpov-**

The first thing I felt when I woke up was pain. I hurt _everywhere_. Was that even possible? I opened my eyes and found Edward asleep in a chair, holding my hand. I smiled to myself, and squeezed his hand as hard as I could; which wasn't that hard actually. I was pretty weak. Edward stirred, but didn't wake up so I left him alone. He must be pretty tired. I found the button for the nurse, and pushed it. I had some questions and I needed the answers as soon as possible. A nurse came in with a wide smile on her face. I pointed to Edward and mouthed for her to be quiet. She nodded and came close to my bedside.

"Well, he's going to be one happy camper when he wakes up. He hasn't left your side since you came in." She stated, still grinning. "How are you feeling hon? Do you need anything? I'm Jessica by the way." She continued quietly. I smiled at her friendliness. "How long have I been out?" I asked first. I'd get to the harder questions later.

"Well it's Wednesday night. So about four and a half days. How's the pain?" She asked. "Oh I could definitely use some pain killers." I grimaced. "Okay, well let me go get that for you and some ice water. And I'll also let the doctor know you're awake. Do you need anything else?" She questioned, heading for the door. I shook my head no, and laid my head back on my pillow. I had more questions, but I was afraid of the answers so they could wait awhile.

A few minutes later Jessica came waltzing back in with a pitcher of ice water, and a few different needles. I shuddered at the thought of those needles going into my skin, but knew the relief would be almost worth it. She smiled at my apprehension.

"Don't worry sweetheart, these are going into your IV not your skin." She stated. I blew out a breath of relief and smiled. "This one is Delodin and it's for pain. The next two are antibiotics to fight off any infections that might come about." She explained pushing them through the IV. She was pouring me a glass of ice water when Edward finally woke up. He looked at me, and smiled widely. I smiled right back. Then his smile faltered, and I knew there was bad news to come.

"How are you feeling?" He asked quietly. I sighed, and even _that_ hurt. "I've felt better that's for sure." I replied. Jessica handed me the water, and excused herself. I took a long drink, and then turned to Edward. "Okay, give it to me straight. How bad is it?" I asked with more bravado than I felt. He swallowed and tears welled up in his eyes. _Oh shit._

"Well, you have one hundred and two stitches with all the wounds you've got. That's got to be some kind of a record." He joked. I smiled, and waited patiently for him to continue. I hoped it wouldn't take much longer though, I could feel the pain medicine kicking in. I'd be out in a manner of minutes probably. It took him three tries before he finally managed to speak again. "Bella…the baby…um, oh shit." He fumbled with a sigh. A deep sense of dread settled over me at the mention of our peanut. I had a feeling I didn't want to hear whatever he had to say. A really bad feeling. A look of such anguish crossed his features, and I knew something was seriously wrong.

"She didn't make it, love." He whispered, wiping away the tears that had begun falling down my face. I heard what he said, I really did, but I didn't really comprehend it. I sat there, trying to stay awake and to fully grasp what Edward had just told me. After a couple of minutes I gave up, and sighed. "You may wanna run that by me one more time." I slurred. He gave me a sad smile, and brushed a kiss over my lips. "Go to sleep, love. We'll talk more when you wake up." He stated quietly.

The next thing I was aware of the sun was shining through the window right on my face, Edward was asleep, and Alice was perched on the side of my bed staring at me. "Hey good looking!" She greeted with a grin. "Oh, please! I've been lying in this bed for five straight days, Alice. I may not know what I look like, but I know it isn't good." I scoffed.

"You look beautiful. Now, I'm going to give you some really bad news that Edward tried to tell you last night, and you're probably going to want to scream, but I'm asking you not to. And the only reason I'm asking you not to is because Edward hasn't been getting much rest since you've been here, and he's been asleep now for almost twelve hours." She explained quietly. I nodded in understanding, and waited.

"Bella, the baby didn't make it. Jacob, well, he…he took her from you." She whispered. I sat there for a moment trying to absorb what she said, and then I remembered Edward telling me the same thing the night before. Suddenly I couldn't breathe, or think. It felt like the walls were closing in on me and I had to escape. "Help me up, Alice." I demanded, throwing the covers off of me.

"What? Bella, no you can't get up yet." She argued. "Alice, help me out of this damn bed right now." I demanded, my voice growing louder. I didn't care that I wasn't supposed to get up on my own yet, or that I had a hundred and two stitches throughout my body. I didn't care that Edward was asleep a few inches away, or that Alice was standing in front of me freaking me out. I couldn't breathe. I needed air. I moved one leg at a time over to the end of the bed, and fought to sit myself upright. It hurt like a son of a bitch, but I didn't care about that either.

"Bella, what's wrong?" Edward demanded, coming over to face me. I looked up at him with tears in my eyes. "Help me up. Please help me up." I cried. "Alice get the nurse." He demanded putting an arm around me. I tried to stand and nearly fell, but Edward was right there to catch me.

"Come on, love you should be in bed. Tell me what you need and I'll get it for you." He stated soothingly. "I need out of this fucking place! Get me out of here! Please, I can't breathe. Just get me out of here." I pleaded trying to walk to the door.

"Bella, you need to calm sweetheart. Tell me what's wrong." Jessica stated coming over to help Edward. They lifted me with ease, and put me back in the damn bed. I tried to fight them off of me, but it was no use. They each held an arm down and I was still pretty weak from not moving in a week. Another nurse came in with a needle and I cried harder. I was losing this battle, and quickly.

"Please don't give me that. I don't need that. I just need to get some air." I cried as the nurse pushed something through the IV. "Relax, sweetheart. It's just something to help calm you down." Jessica cooed.

"I don't want to fucking calm down!" I yelled but already I could feel myself starting to relax. Within minutes I was completely relaxed, though tears still streamed down my face. I lay there, staring at the ceiling trying to tell myself this was all just a bad dream. That I would wake up and I'd be at home in my own bed with Edward right next to me. After what felt like an eternity I finally turned to Edward. He was staring at me with a worried look on his face.

"She's really gone?" I whispered. "Yes." He replied quietly. "What happened that day?" I asked after a minute. "One of the neighbors heard your screams, and called me, and the police. Then he went up to our apartment, found Jacob stabbing you and tackled him. He held him down until the police showed up." He explained, wiping a tear out of his own eye. I cleared my throat and asked, "And what happened to Jacob after that?"

"Monday morning he went before a judge and told him that if he were to be released he wouldn't stop until you were dead. He hasn't been sentenced yet, but one of the detectives said he'll get life in prison with no possibility of parole for two counts of attempted murder. They can't charge him with murder for the baby because the baby wasn't born yet, but they are charging him with attempted murder for her and for you." He stated reaching for my hand.

I pulled away from him, and began crying harder. "This is my fault. I invited him into our home. I allowed him to do this to me. To us. I knew something was off about him that day, but I kept making excuses for him. I thought he wanted to be friends, and instead he just wanted to kill me."

"This is not your fault, Isabella! Don't you dare blame yourself for this!" He exclaimed passionately. Jessica came back in with more needles, and looked at me sympathetically. "How you feeling sweetheart?" She asked. I just shrugged my shoulders and shook my head.

"Well, I have some pain medicine for you and some more Ativan. Do you think you need the Ativan or are you alright now?" She questioned squeezing my hand. "I don't want it, but you probably ought to give it to me. I can't promise I'll be okay in ten minutes or so." I admitted reluctantly. She smiled and administered both drugs into the IV. "Are you hungry?" She asked. I shook my head no.

"Okay, well the doctor is making his rounds now. So, why don't you try and take a little nap and then when you wake up you can talk to the doctor, and we'll get you something for lunch." She suggested. I nodded my head, and closed my eyes. I wanted to forget this had ever happened, but I would have to settle for the little bit of a peace a nap would bring.

A short while later the doctor came in and woke me and Edward up. He explained that I would be here for at least a week as they wanted to monitor my wounds and make sure there were no infections present. He also said Jan would be in to speak with me if I wanted to see her, but I declined. The only person I wanted around me at all was Edward, and he was already there. Everyone else could fuck off for all I cared.


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. I'm judging by the lack of reviews that everyone is mad at me. =[ I'm sorry. Please leave me some love anyway...or hate. Just let me know what you're thinking. Song for this chapter is still-"Hemorrhage (in my hands)"-Fuel.**

A week and half later we were finally home. Jasper and Emmett and sufficiently gotten everything done to our apartment. The walls were freshly painted, there was new carpeting and we even had a brand new door and frame. It was definitely a change, an unwelcome change in our already messy lives. The minute we walked inside I went directly to the bathroom for a shower. Showering in the hospital was never the same as showering at home. I spent twenty minutes under the hot spray trying to wash all the grime of the hospital off of me and even then I didn't feel completely clean, but it would have to do. I changed into a pair of shorts and a tank top; not the best way to dress for the winter weather but it was the only thing I could wear that didn't aggravate my wounds. Edward helped me put the antibiotic salve on all eight stab wounds and bandaged them up, and then I went to bed.

Esme and Carlisle came over a short while later, but I didn't get up. I still had no desire to see or talk to anyone. I didn't want to see the pity in their eyes, or hear their apologies for the millionth time. I didn't want to hear that I would be alright, and that given time these wounds (both emotional and physical) would heal. I definitely didn't want to hear that also with time we could try again for another baby. I knew they all meant well, but I just couldn't bear to hear any of it. Edward was even getting under my skin the past few days. He seemed to be holding himself together rather well, and that just made me wonder how much he really wanted a child to begin with. Was I the only one still mourning the loss of our baby? It sure felt that way.

I got out of bed, and made my way to the closet. I was cold and wanted to attempt some sweatpants. That was when I saw it. The bag of baby items I had purchased the day of my attack. Tears welled up in my eyes, and got up slowly and retreated from the closet. I walked out of the bedroom as calmly as I could manage, into the kitchen and grabbed the trash can. I ignored Edward calling out to me, and went straight back to the closet. I picked up the bag of baby items and threw them into the trash can. I picked up the trash can and threw it across the room, letting out a loud scream as I did so. I slid down the floor and cried. Edward, Carlisle and Esme came running into the room.

"Oh, Bella." Esme said softly, kneeling before me. She reached out to touch me and I pulled back quickly, yelling, "Don't touch me!" She sighed heavily, and sat in front of me. "Sweetheart, it will get better. You will get over this just like you did the first time, and everything will work itself out." She said calmly. I glared at her. "You think I'm going to get over this? That I'm just going to forget about her? About what happened to me? I will NEVER get over this!" I yelled angrily.

Edward walked over to me, and helped me up. He walked me over to the bed, and covered me up as I lay back down. He crouched down in front of me and wiped my tears away. Carlisle came over with a glass of water and a pill bottle. Edward took out an Ativan and gave it me. I swallowed it willingly, and closed my eyes. I felt the bed shift, and opened my eyes. Edward wrapped his arms around me, and held me tightly to him. Carlisle and Esme were gone.

"She was just trying to help, love." He murmured in my ear. "I know." I sniffled. I closed my eyes again, and let sleep overtake me.

**EPOV—**

I couldn't stand to see her like this anymore. I didn't know what to say, or how to get through to her to let her know that I needed her. That I was in pain, too, and that I was about to lose my faith in everything. I walked into the bedroom, and yanked the blankets off the bed. She just lay there, staring at the wall, huddled into herself. She looked so…broken, and lost. It broke my heart all over again to see her that way but I had to do this.

"Bella, we have to talk." I stated softly. She just lay there as if I weren't even in the room standing right in front of her. Tears, both old and new streaked down her perfect face. Three weeks. Three weeks of this…this shell of the woman I love and I've had enough. I knelt down and grabbed her hands only to have her pull away from me. I sighed heavily and grabbed her hands again, this time holding firm when she tried to pull away.

"Get up. We have to talk. Now." I said more harshly than I'd intended. Still I got nothing. "Bella!" I shouted. She jumped, and turned her lifeless gaze to me. "We can't keep living like this, love. You haven't been going to counseling; you haven't been doing anything, Bella. I lost her, too, Bella, but this is not healthy. I can't watch you do this to yourself." I explained as tears threatened to spill down my own face.

"So leave." She said, her voice cracking with emotion and loss of use. "What?" I blanched. "If you can't be here for me than leave, Edward. I don't care anymore." She clarified. "Bella!" I exclaimed as the tears started falling freely.

"What? What do you want from me Edward? Can't you see how much pain I'm in every fucking day? Can't you see how hard it is just to wake up in the morning and realize I'm not pregnant anymore? Do you have any idea what that feels like? I WANT TO DIE! I DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE! I JUST WANT…to die." She whispered the last brokenly. I grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her roughly until she slapped me hard across the face. I released her, stood up and started pacing the room.

She sat up in bed and sighed. "I can't do this anymore, Edward. If you can't be here for me than maybe we should just go our separate ways. Obviously you don't want to be here so I-"

"I don't want to be here?" I questioned cutting her off. "I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE?" I shouted angrily. Something broke in me in that moment and I lost it. "I HAVE BEEN HERE WATCHING YOU FALL APART EVERY GOD DAMN DAY FOR OVER A MONTH! AND THE WHOLE TIME I'VE BEEN TRYING LIKE HELL NOT TO FALL APART BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE THE STRONG ONE FOR YOU! I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE BELLA! I LOST HER TOO! SHE WAS MY BABY, TOO AND I LOST HER BECAUSE I WASN'T HERE TO PROTECT YOU FROM HIM! HOW DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES ME FEEL? IT'S MY FAULT SHE'S GONE, BELLA!" I shouted, punching the wall. I didn't give her a chance to respond. I walked out, slamming the door behind me. I grabbed my keys, and left. I wanted to kill Jacob, but seeing as he was in jail that wasn't a possibility, so I decided to go to my parents. What good that would do me I had no idea, but it was better than being in that apartment watching Bella self-destruct all over again.

"She needs time to cope with everything, Edward. Just give her some time." Esme stated compassionately. We were sitting around the dining room table discussing how to approach Bella lately. "It's been three weeks, Esme. She won't talk to me, she won't eat, hell she won't even get out of bed unless it's to use the bathroom. She told me to leave tonight." I replied. "She won't let me touch her, or comfort her when she has her really bad days. She won't take her medicine, and she sure as hell won't talk to Jan. I can't watch her do this to herself again. Especially when I know it's my fault in the first place." I continued with a sigh.

"Edward, it is not your fault. It's no one's fault but Jacob's. He did this to her. To the both of you. You have to understand that." Carlisle said. I shook my head. "I should have been there. She's been worried that Jacob would try something and I didn't listen to her. She asked me not to go to work that day, but I insisted on going because I was so behind with my lesson plans. I should have been there." I repeated.

"You need to go home to your fiancé, and talk to her. Make her understand that you're both hurting and that you need each other to get through this. It isn't going to be easy, but I know you can do it. Push her past her limits everyday and I guarantee you'll start to see a change." Esme stated confidently.

"Yeah? And what if all I do is push her farther away from me?" I whispered. "You might at first, but she's smart, Edward. She loves you as much as you love her, and she'll start to come around. But you have to try my sweet boy. If she pushes you away stand your ground. Don't leave when she tells you to. That's when she needs you the most. Go home. Make her take her medicine. Make her take a shower. Don't let her guilt you into giving in to what she wants. You've done it before you can do it again." Esme explained squeezing my arm.

"If she refuses to eat or take her meds you tell her I'll come over there and force her into a treatment facility. That should get her going pretty quickly." Carlisle stated with a sad smile. I smiled back at both my parents and said my goodbyes. It was time to go home and face the love of my life. I felt a little better about doing what I knew had to be done, and they were right in the fact that I've done it before. Why should this time be any different?

I walked into the apartment, and went straight into the bedroom. Bella was still lying there, staring at the wall; the blankets were still on the floor. She hadn't moved an inch in the two hours I was gone. I went to the bathroom, grabbed her medicine and a glass of water and walked back out to the bedroom. Bella sat up immediately and stared at me warily.

"Why'd you come back?" She whispered. I breathed in deeply, handed her the meds and water and replied, "Because I love you." She eyed the medicine for a moment, debating whether or not to take it and then popped the pills into her mouth. She took a long swallow of water and handed me the glass. I set it down on the nightstand, and picked her up bridal style.

"Where are we going?" She asked appropriately nervous. "You're going to take a shower." I stated firmly. "You're not going to throw me into the tub again are you?" She asked nervously. I chuckled. "Not as long as you cooperate." She gave me a small smile, and I put her down once we'd reached the bathroom. She started the water, and began to undress. I went back into the bedroom to gather up some clothes for her and brought them back to her. She was already in the shower. I heard her hiss in pain, and immediately reached for the shower curtain.

"What's the matter, love?" I demanded softly. "Nothing. My muscles are a little tight and my wounds sting a bit." She stated shaking her head. "That's because you've been lying in bed for three weeks. No more of that do you hear me? We're going to start doing the physical therapy the doctor recommended, and you aren't staying in bed all damn day. I took a leave of absence from school so I'll be here with you every day. And it isn't going to be easy, Bella. We're probably going to be at each other's throats most of the time, but we can't keep going like this." I explained softly.

Tears were rolling down her cheeks, but she nodded in understanding. I left her to finish her shower and went to make her a salad. I was just finishing up when she came walking slowly into the kitchen. She looked absolutely stunning to me. Freshly showered, with a tinge of pink to her skin from the hot water, hair hanging loosely around her face, and no make up. She was perfect. I kissed her lightly on the lips, and pushed her gently onto a chair. She nibbled at her food, mostly picking through it, but at least she ate something.

I helped her to the living room and sat right beside her on the couch. We watched TV for awhile and then we both went to bed. I didn't get far with her today, but I at least got somewhere, and that's what counted. I would keep pushing. Every single day of the rest of my life I would push her to do better because I love her, and I couldn't bear the thought of losing her.


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. Happy Mother's Day to everyone who's a mother, has a mother, or knows a mother! =] I am very blessed to have two beautiful little girls so this mommy will have a fantabulous day! Thanks for all your reviews and adding my story to your alerts even with the depressing state it's in right now. It means the world to me! Song for this chapter-"Hurt" Christina Aguilera.**

**BPOV—**

I woke up the next morning in the arms of the only man on this planet who has ever truly loved me. I watched him sleep; reflecting on the last three weeks, and how miserable we both have been. The only difference between our sufferings was that I shut him out while he embraced me anyway. He has been here every single day fighting for me when I didn't care to fight for myself. There were days when he would come in the bedroom, and just sit with me for hours without talking or touching or anything. He was just here for me, and I completely ignored him. Mainly because I was too lost in my own suffering, but also because I partially blamed him for my suffering. It was completely irrational I know, but I did none the less.

Part of me felt that if he were here that day none of this would have happened, but I was wrong. Jacob would have just found another way to extract revenge on me. He said himself he was waiting for me to be alone, and it would have happened one way or another eventually. I was blaming Edward when in truth it was my own fault. I let Jacob into our home. I ignored every warning sign I'd been given that day and saw only what I wanted to see, and that is what led to this. However, Edward was right. We couldn't go on living the way we had been the last three weeks. Things had to change. I had to change. I'd gotten over this once before; I could do it again if I pushed myself.

My wounds were healing on the outside; it was just a matter of time before they started healing on the inside. And I had Edward to help me with that. Of course, I had to help him in return. I couldn't have him thinking this was his fault when it wasn't. I couldn't believe how selfish I'd been these last few weeks; not taking into account how this had affected Edward. He'd been suffering too, but all I saw was my own suffering. I went through this alone the last time around, but I didn't have to this time. He knew about the baby, had been just as happy as I was about having her. We'd shared in that joy together; why not share in the sadness of losing her as well? Wasn't that how it was supposed to go?

We were engaged after all. We were promising to spend the rest of our lives together, and that didn't just entail the good times. It included the bad times as well, and hopefully this was as bad as it would ever get for us. We had to deal with this together, and for that to happen I had to start dealing with it. I eyed the pain pills I'd been prescribed and sighed heavily. I hadn't needed them for a couple of weeks now, but I'd been taking them anyway. It was time to stop before it turned into a full blown addiction again. I slowly extricated myself from Edward who was still fast asleep, grabbed the bottle and went to the bathroom.

I opened the bottle, dumped them into the toilet, and flushed them. I threw the bottle into the trashcan, and went back into the bedroom. I picked up the anti-depressant, went back to the bathroom and flushed them as well. I wasn't going to rely on medication to make me feel happy. I needed to do this on my own. I decided to keep the Ativan just incase I had a panic attack or something, but I wouldn't use that if I didn't have to either. Edward wasn't going to like this very much, but he would have to deal with it just like I would. I've survived worse without medication I could survive this as well. I went back into the bedroom, and Edward was sitting up looking a little confused. I climbed back into bed, and snuggled up next to him.

"Good morning beautiful." He murmured sleepily. "Morning." I replied quietly. "Where'd you disappear to?" He asked after a minute. I hesitated, and bit my lip. "I just flushed all my medication down the toilet. Including the pain pills because I've been using them when I didn't need them, but I kept the Ativan incase I get bad anxiety or have a panic attack." I explained in a rush.

"You did what?" He blanched, sitting up a little straighter in the bed. "I flushed the pain pills first because I don't need them for pain anymore, and I was taking them just to take them. I don't want to go down that road again so I figured it was best that way. Then I flushed the Zoloft because I refuse to rely on medication to be happy. I can be happy on my own…or at least with your help. We can get through this together and everything will be fine." I explained still a little too fast.

"You…flushed…your antidepressant… down the toilet?" He asked slowly. I nodded. "You do realize you have been in a near catatonic state for the last three weeks don't you?" He asked a bit baffled.

"Yes, but I feel good today! I mean I feel really good today!" I exclaimed excitedly. "And you realize you feel this good because you took the Zoloft last night." He declared getting out of bed. "Where are you going?" I asked getting out of bed as well. "I'm calling Carlisle, and then I'm calling Jan to get you a refill on the Zoloft. It's three days before Christmas, but hopefully she can get it done before the pharmacy closes." He stated walking into the kitchen.

An hour later Carlisle showed up with a prescription bag in his hand. "I'm not taking that shit." I declared with a huff. Carlisle sat down beside me on the couch, and smiled gently. I hated when he looked at me that way. It usually meant I was doing something he wanted me to do. In this case, taking that damn anti depressant.

"Bella, this medicine is going to help you." He said gently. I sighed. "But I don't want to rely on a medication to make me feel happy. I don't want to be a zombie." I argued.

"You've been on Zoloft before. Did it make you feel like a zombie?" He asked. "No." I replied reluctantly. "Right. You've been through a very traumatic event, Bella. This medicine is just going to help level your moods out so you don't have extreme highs or lows. It isn't going to control your emotions completely. You'll still be able to laugh, or cry or whatever it's just going to make it so it's bearable." He explained.

"I don't want to take it." I ground out. Carlisle patted my leg gently, and smiled his doctor smile at me. "You can either take it here it at home, or take it in the hospital when I admit you." He threatened sweetly. "You can't admit me to the hospital for not taking medication." I snapped. "I can, and I will." He said dryly. _Well fuck me._

"Bella, if you won't do this for you will you at least do this for me? I can't have you going back to how you were. I need you." Edward pleaded quietly. I looked up at him, and saw the pain and fear in his eyes. With a sigh I snatched the pill bottle and got up to get a drink. Carlisle left shortly after that, and I sat Edward down on the couch for a talk.

"Alright listen. If I have to take this medication then you have to do something for me." I demanded. "I would do anything for you, love. Just name it." He replied. Yeah, sure he felt that way now. I sighed and looked him in the eye.

"I want you to make an appointment with Jan." I stated quickly. He arched a brow. "Why?" "Because you have some guilt issues that you need to work through, and I can't help you with that." I answered softly. He smiled softly and shook his head. "Bella, I will be fine. I can deal with this." He said almost in a whisper.

"No. You want me to take the Zoloft fine. I'll take the Zoloft, but I want you to talk to Jan about this. If you can't do that then I can't take the medicine." I threatened.

"If you don't take the Zoloft I'll have Carlisle admit you." He threatened right back. "I'll tell Carlisle about this guilt you're experiencing and we'll see where he stands on it." I declared. Edward sighed heavily, and shook his head.

"I should have been here, Bella. You asked me not to go to work, and I went anyway. If I would have been here he wouldn't ha-"

"If you would have been here then you would've gotten hurt, too. Or killed for that matter. I let him in to our home, Edward. If anyone is to blame it's me, but that's beside the point. I need you to do this for me. Please." I pleaded, cutting him off. I grabbed his hand, and squeezed it tightly. "This wasn't your fault, Edward." I added quietly.

He sighed heavily again, and looked up at me with tears in his eyes. "How can I not blame myself when I wasn't here to protect you?" He whispered. I wiped his tears away, and kissed him lightly. "You were where you were supposed to be that day, Edward. Will you please call Jan?" I asked.

"Fine, I'll call her. After Christmas." He stated with a small smile.


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What does belong to me is this aching body from a long, over exciting weekend filled with lots of love and family time. I hope everyone's weekend was just as good! Thanks again for all your reviews! I love hearing everything you have to say about this story! Song for this chapter-"Over you"-Miranda Lambert. (Yes it's a country song) Enjoy!**

I awoke once again in the arms of Edward. It was definitely my favorite place to be; especially lately with all that had happened. I wasn't feeling as upbeat as I was yesterday, but that was okay. I knew I'd have days like this so at least I was prepared. As it turns out I'm glad Edward called Jan and had her refill my prescription. As much as I don't want to be on medicine, I want to get better more, and I don't think I'd be able to get well on my own after losing my second peanut. I was also glad that Edward had agreed to call Jan after Christmas. I could barely hold myself together let alone trying to hold him together, too. I would help him as much as I could, but I knew from experience there were certain things that I would not be able to help him with, and that was what Jan was for.

I was undecided on going back to see Jan for myself. I mean, she had helped me in the past no doubt, but I just wasn't sure she'd be able to do anything for me this time around that I couldn't do for myself. She'd taught me the coping skills I'd need to deal with this anyway so really what was the point? I got out of bed, and made my way to the bathroom. Throughout my whole morning routine I could feel the sadness setting in, and I knew I was in for a pretty dark day. I took a deep breath, laid my hands on the counter, and stared at my reflection in the mirror. Immediately I saw the flaws. The pale complexion, the dark bags under my pained and saddened eyes, the freckles. And then there were the fading yellow and brown bruises from my recent encounter with death.

The rest of me wasn't much better, inside or out, but I refused to look at the rest of my wounds. I knew they were there, and I knew they were healing. Other than that I had no reason to see them. Tentatively I placed a hand on my now flat abdomen, and felt the first tears fall. I missed her. I missed everything about being pregnant. I missed everything that I didn't get to experience with being pregnant. I only heard her heartbeat once; I only got to see her once. I would never get to feel her move inside of me, or see my belly grow rounder as she grew within me. I would never get to see her, or hold her, ever. I would never get to see Edward hold her for the first time. We would never get to hear her call us mommy or daddy. Never see her grow, and learn, or crawl or walk or…anything. It just wasn't fair! She was ripped away from us and there was nothing either of us could do about it!

I slid down to the floor, and put my head in my hands as I began crying harder. How was I supposed to get over this? I'd already lost one baby wasn't that enough? Was I being punished for something? Was this my punishment for treating Edward the way I had after the first miscarriage? Why? Why was this happening to me again? Did I not deserve to be a mother? Was that it? Did whoever was out there know I would be a terrible mother and decide not to even give me a chance? And if so then why let me get pregnant in the first place? Why let me feel what it would be like to have a child and then rip it away from me? I felt like screaming, but I settled for kicking the cabinet instead. When that didn't help, I opened the cabinet and grabbed a razor blade.

I put it against my thigh, and pressed down as hard as I could, dragging it slowly across my skin. Did it hurt? Yes, but it relieved the pressure inside of me, too. I closed my eyes and sighed heavily in relief. Then I took the blade and put it just above the first cut, and made another, deeper one. Ever heard the expression 'hurts so good'? That's what it felt like. I cut myself a few more times, each time going deeper because it relieved the most pressure. I laid my head back against the wall, and closed my eyes letting the pain of the cuts relieve the pain of a broken heart. I didn't care that I was bleeding all over the bathroom. I didn't care that Edward would be pissed. I didn't care about anything. Right as I was dragging the blade across my leg again Edward walked in. _Well shit._

"What the fuck are you doing?" He demanded grabbing the razor blade from me. He threw it away, and grabbed a towel from the closet. "Not trying to kill myself so relax." I muttered, as he pressed the towel to my fresh wounds.

"Relax? You're cutting your fucking leg open and you tell me to relax?" He snapped. He pulled the towel away and cursed as more blood gushed out. "How deep did you cut yourself?" He asked angrily. I shrugged. "God damn it Bella! Don't move!" He yelled walking out. I heard him on the phone, and figured he was talking to Carlisle. I knew I should care that I had Edward so upset, but I just didn't have it in me today. My suspicions were confirmed when Carlisle walked into the bathroom a few minutes later.

"That was fast." I muttered intelligently. "I was already on my way over to inspect your other wounds. I should admit you to the mental ward for this you know." He replied angrily. I shrugged again. He sighed and moved the towel. They were still bleeding, but not as badly as before. He cleaned them up, and put butterfly bandages on them.

"They aren't deep enough for stitches which you should be thankful for considering you've had enough of those to last you more than one lifetime. Why did you do this, Bella?" He asked washing his hands. I stood up, and shrugged yet again. "I just wanted the pain to stop." I replied quietly.

Edward walked in with my medicine and shoved it at me. I took it from him and swallowed them with some water. "You want the pain to stop? Take your medicine. Talk to me. Talk to Jan. Talk to the rest of the family. You don't cut your fucking leg open like it's a piece of meat!" Edward snapped.

"Edward calm down." Carlisle said calmly. "Calm down? This is the second time I've found her bleeding from self inflicted wounds! How the hell am I supposed to calm down? She needs to be in a hospital!" Edward yelled.

"I do not need or want to be in a hospital! I'm sorry alright! I didn't know what else to do!" I yelled back as fresh tears started falling. "It never crossed your mind to WAKE ME UP?" He screamed. "No! The only thing that crossed my mind was the fact that I'm not pregnant anymore! I just wanted the pain to stop! I didn't think about it I just did it! I'M SORRY!" I screamed back.

"WE MADE A DEAL, BELLA! WE MADE A DEAL THAT WE WOULD FIGURE THIS OUT TOGETHER AND YOU JUST WENT BACK ON THAT! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?" He yelled as tears welled up in his eyes.

Ignoring him for the moment, I turned to Carlisle. "Thank you for tending to me once again. I promise I won't do it again. You should probably go unless you want to witness another fight." I stated wiping at my tears.

"Oh, I'm not leaving young lady. You two are not going to fight and we are going to sit down and have a long talk about this cutting thing." He replied quickly. "Don't bother, Carlisle. Talking to her does no good as I've just discovered." Edward sneered.

"I'M HAVING A BAD DAMN DAY ALRIGHT? I'M SORRY I DIDN'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU WITH IT! I'M SORRY I CUT MYSELF! I'M SORRY YOU'RE HURTING! I'M SORRY FOR LETTING JACOB INTO OUR HOME THAT DAY! I'M SORRY OUR BABY IS GONE! I'M SORRY I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT!" I screamed as more tears fell from my eyes.

"OH, YOU DON'T THINK I HAVE BAD DAYS? IT'S BEEN ROUGH FOR ME TOO, BELLA, BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME CUTTING MYSELF OPEN!" Edward screamed back.

"OH, I'M SORRY. YOU WANT ME TO DO IT FOR YOU?" I yelled, pushing him.

"ALRIGHT! ENOUGH!" Carlisle yelled coming to stand between us. "I will NOT have you two screaming at each other like this anymore! You both need to calm down right now!" He exclaimed pointing at both of us. I took a deep breath, and leaned against the wall.

"I'm sorry, Carlisle. We're done." I apologized quietly. I walked out of the room, and went down the hall to where the piano was. This was what I should have done to begin with. I closed the door, and went to sit at the piano bench. I could hear Edward yelling at Carlisle, but I tried to tune it out as I played with keys on the piano. I played the first thing that came to mind and sang along as well.

Weather man said it's gonna snow  
>By now I should be used to the cold<br>Mid-February shouldn't be so scary  
>It was only December<br>I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me

But you went away  
>How dare you?<br>I miss you  
>They say I'll be OK<br>But I'm not going to ever get over you

Living alone here in this place  
>I think of you, and I'm not afraid<br>Your favorite records make me feel better  
>Cause you sing along<br>With every song  
>I know you didn't mean to give them to me<p>

But you went away  
>How dare you?<br>I miss you  
>They say I'll be OK<br>But I'm not going to ever get over you

It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone

Cause you went away,  
>How dare you?<br>I miss you  
>They say I'll be OK<br>But I'm not going to ever get over you

I finished playing, and put my head in my hands and cried. I looked down at the wounds I'd put on myself, and felt disgusted. Why did I do that? It wasn't worth fighting with Edward over, but at the time it felt good. I knew I could never do it again; though I was already thinking about the next time. Maybe I did need to be put in the hospital. What the hell did I know anymore? I heard the door open, and looked up to see Edward walking in. He came and sat beside me, and put his arm around me.

"I'm sorry." He whispered. "Me too." I whispered back.

"You scared the shit out of me." He admitted quietly. I wiped tears out of his eyes, and tried to smile. "I'm sorry for that. I don't know why I did it. I'm just having such a hard time dealing with this." I explained.

"I know you are, love, but you have to start talking to me about it. You can't deal with it all by yourself anymore. I'm here for you just as much as you're here for me. We're in this together." He stated. "I know. It's hard to remember that sometimes. Especially when I'm having a day like today. I just woke up and it hit me all over again." I replied.

"Just promise me that no matter what you'll talk to me from now on. I don't care if I'm asleep, or at work, or wherever. You talk to me." He demanded gently.

"I promise. I love you."

"I love you, too."


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is an addiction to nicotine that I'm trying to kick…it's just not working as well as I'd like it to. Especially when I'm writing. Song for this chapter-"Have yourself a merry little Christmas"-by whichever artist you prefer!**

Christmas day came bright and early. It had been snowing off and on all night long, or so the weatherman said, but you couldn't tell it by looking outside. I gave Edward a light kiss good morning, and went to take a shower. I reached into the cabinet below the bathroom sink for a razor, but couldn't find one. With a heavy sigh I walked back into the bedroom and glared at Edward.

"What?" He asked sleepily. "Where'd you put the razors?" I demanded, hands on my hips. He grinned sheepishly at me and shrugged. I groaned. I so wasn't in the mood for this today. "Edward, I'm wearing a dress okay? I need a razor to shave my legs. Now where are they?" I demanded through gritted teeth.

"Can't you just wear jeans or a nice pair of slacks?" He suggested. I glared harder at him. "What? You would look just as good in pants as you would in a dress. I think you'd look better personally." He continued still with that stupid grin on his face. "You love it when I wear dresses so save it and tell me where the damn razors are!" I exclaimed.

"I'll do one better. I'll go get one for you." He stated, getting out of bed. "Edward!" I exclaimed throwing my hands up in the air. "You are being completely ridiculous about this!" I stated as he walked back into the bedroom, razor in hand. He handed it to me and I yanked it away from him angrily. Before I could walk away he grabbed me around the waist and pulled me into his chest.

"Don't be angry with me, love. I'm just worried about you." He murmured, kissing my neck. I sighed and smiled despite myself. "You're going a little overboard don't you think?" I asked.

"Not when it comes to your safety I don't. Merry Christmas." He replied. I turned around to kiss him lightly on the lips. "Merry Christmas." I said in return. He released me and I went to take my shower. I didn't realize he had followed me until I climbed into the tub and his head poked in through the shower curtain.

"What are you doing?" I asked dryly, though I was pretty sure I already knew the answer. "Can't I watch my beautiful fiancé take a shower?" He asked with smile.

"Are you watching me take a shower, or watching me shave my legs?" I retorted. "Both?" He replied hesitantly. I sighed, and counted to ten. I couldn't really blame him for being afraid to leave me alone with a razor given my recent activities, but it didn't mean I had to like it. I shaved my legs quickly just to placate him, and handed him the razor when I was finished. He smiled and left me to finish my shower.

Again I had to count to ten, but like I said I couldn't really blame him for being paranoid around me. If he had done something like that I would be just as paranoid. I finished my shower, applied some light make up and curled my hair. I still wasn't feeling the greatest, but at least I'd look good. I walked out of the bathroom as Edward was walking in to take his shower, and proceeded to my closet. I pulled out a black halter top dress that stopped at the knee, and a gray cardigan sweater to go over it. The only wounds that would be showing were the ones on my face, the small ones on my hands where I fought back, and the one on my lower left leg. I was as comfortable as I was going to get without wearing pants and a long sleeve shirt with gloves.

I just didn't want anyone to _stare._ I knew we were only going to be around family, but I still wasn't comfortable with idea of showing any of the soon to be scars. Sometimes family could be worse than strangers when it came to staring. It wasn't their fault of course, if it were someone else I couldn't say that I wouldn't be staring right along with everyone else. But, I wish I could find a way to portray to them how uncomfortable it made me without embarrassing them, or hurting their feelings, but I didn't know how; so I would just suck it up and deal with their looks of pity. And more probably the looks of worry given my recent tirades.

I couldn't blame them for that any more than I could blame Edward for his worry. I really didn't want to go tonight, but I knew I had to. I hated feeling that way, but it was what it was. Edward came out of the bathroom in his boxers, and I felt a tug in my lower abdomen. God, how long had it been since we'd had sex? I tried to remember the last time, but I couldn't. Edward, the gentleman that he was, hadn't tried anything since I don't know when, and God knows I hadn't felt like it. But, we couldn't be celibate for the rest of our lives could we? Maybe that would have to be Edward's Christmas present since I hadn't gotten out to get him anything else. _Ugh_. _Could I be any worse of a fiancé?_

"Bella, if you aren't up to going we can stay home." Edward stated misreading the look on my face. I realized I was still sitting in my bra and underwear, and got up to dress. "Bella?" I looked over at Edward and smiled. "I'm fine. We should get moving though, or we'll be late." I stated quietly. He stared at me for a minute, and then went into his closet to get dressed as well. He came out a few minutes later in a pair of black dress slacks, a gray button up shirt and a tie worn loosely around his neck. I put in a pair of diamond earrings, and donned a pair of zebra print pumps that Alice had bought me awhile back. She'd be thrilled to see me in them no doubt as it was the first time I've worn them.

It had started to snow when we left the house, and by the time we arrived at Esme's it was coming down so thick we could barely see in front of us. "We probably won't stay too long, love. I'd like to sleep in my own bed tonight." Edward stated with a smile. I smiled back and followed him inside.

"Hey! Merry Christmas!" Alice greeted excitedly. "Oh Bella! Those shoes look absolutely fantastic with that dress!" She exclaimed clapping her hands together. I couldn't help but to laugh at her excitement over a pair of shoes. It was just _so_ Alice. We hung our coats on the rack, and walked into the kitchen. Esme and Carlisle greeted us with hugs and Jasper waved a hello with a mouthful of turkey.

"We weren't sure when you'd be getting here so we were just about to sit down to eat. Make yourselves a plate and join us in the dining room." Esme stated. We made our plates and went into the dining room with everyone else. "Merry Christmas!" Rosalie and Emmett said at the same time. I smiled and sat down next to Edward.

"Merry Christmas everybody." I stated raising my glass of wine for a toast. After our toast we said a quick prayer, and then dug in to our food making small talk throughout the meal. Afterwards everyone piled into the living room while I helped Esme with the dishes.

"So, how are you doing, Bella?" Esme asked as we were drying the dishes. I sighed heavily, and shrugged. "The last few days haven't been so great as I'm sure you know, but I'm hanging in there." I answered quietly. "And what about the nightmares?" She asked putting a glass away. I took a sip of my wine, and shrugged again. I hated talking about the nightmares. I hated having the nightmares. I hated that Edward told them I was having nightmares.

"He's just worried about you dear." She stated calmly. I felt my face burn and knew I was blushing fiercely. I hadn't meant to say that out loud. "I know he is. And the nightmares are getting better. Slowly. I don't have them every night anymore so that's a good thing right?" I explained with a small smile. She put her towel down, and hugged me tightly.

"You don't have to pretend with us sweetheart. We all understand that you're going through something terrible. It's okay to let down your guard, and let us in." She stated rubbing my back soothingly. "I'm not pretending, Esme." I argued gently. She pulled away and smiled. "Sure. That's why you're wearing that sweater when it's like an oven in this house." She joked lightly. I laughed and shook my head.

"Nobody wants to see my battle scars." I replied still smiling. "No one here would care, Bella. We're family." She said patting my cheek. We finished the dishes, and joined everyone else in the living room. I sat next to Edward on the couch, and pulled the sleeves of the cardigan up. It was definitely hot in this house, but I just wasn't comfortable taking off the sweater. We sat and talked for awhile before Emmett and Jasper pulled out a deck of cards.

"Who wants to play bullshit?" Jasper asked with a grin. "I'll play." I stated getting up. "But, no cheating Em! I know how you are!" I exclaimed taking the cardigan off. Screw the battle scars; it was hot. It was quiet for a minute too long, and I began to get self conscious. Then Emmett let out a low whistle and smiled.

"Nice dress, Bells." He declared with a grin. "Seriously, Bella. I need to borrow that dress." Rosalie stated smiling as well. "Alright guys. Knock it off. It's just a dress." I stated with a smile of my own. I kicked my shoes off, and sat down on the floor with Jasper and Emmett. Edward came to sit behind me and wrapped his arms around me, kissing my neck where one of the scars was.

"I guess I should have told you before we left the house how stunning you look in this dress." He whispered in my ear. I smiled, and shuffled the cards. I had a feeling everyone was just being extra nice because they knew how self conscious I was, and maybe it was just the wine in me, but I honestly didn't care.

"Bullshit!" I yelled, pointing at Emmett. We were three games in, and we'd had about three bottles of wine between the three of us. "What do you mean bullshit? That's four nines right there!" Emmett boomed pointing to the pile of cards in the middle of the floor. I looked up at Rosalie and she shook her head slightly. I smiled and stared at Emmett. "." I stated confidently. Emmett looked at me, and then looked at Rosalie.

"Oh hell no!" He exclaimed when he saw the smile on Rose's face. "What?" We both asked innocently. "You're cheating!" He yelled throwing his cards down. I held my hands up in surrender and put on my best poker face. "How would I cheat Em? Rose can't even see your cards from where she's sitting on the couch." I lied. He glared at me for a moment, and then picked his cards back up. "I'm keeping an eye on you two." He stated picking the pile of cards up off the floor. Rose and I looked at each other and starting laughing hysterically.

"Oh, Emmett! You are so gullible!" I laughed putting my cards down. He actually looked shocked for a moment. "Man! I knew it! I knew you were cheating! How long?" He demanded with a smile of his own. "The whole time." I replied still laughing.

"All three games? Man! That is so not fair!" He pouted crossing his arms across his chest. "Did you know about this?" He asked Jasper who was also laughing. He just nodded his head and started picking the cards up. "That is some serious bullshit!" Emmett exclaimed.

"Good news!" Alice chirped walking back into the room. "We're snowed in!" She exclaimed clapping her hands together. We all groaned and Alice looked disappointed. "It isn't that bad. We get to spend the night together. When was the last time we all spent a night together?" She asked with a pout.

"It's not that, Alice. Edward and I didn't bring any extra clothes." I explained hoping to cheer her back up. She smiled widely. "Well, lucky for you I had a feeling this would happen, and I packed extra clothes for both of you. Actually Edward I had to buy you some clothes because you and Jas aren't built the same way, but Bella don't worry. I have bed clothes and an outfit for you for tomorrow." She explained still smiling.

She handed us both a bag, and I opened mine up. Every single item still had the price tag on it. I glared up at her. "Merry Christmas!" She exclaimed with a smile. "Alice we all agreed we weren't buying presents for each other this year." Edward stated.

"Yeah, about that…" Rosalie trailed off. I looked up to see her pulling a box from behind the couch. She handed it to me with a small smile, and sat back down. "We all chipped in and got this for the both of you." She stated. I untied the ribbon, and opened the lid gasping as I saw what was inside.

It was a picture of the only ultrasound we'd gotten of the baby with the date of conception, and the date we lost her engraved on it. I looked up at our family with tears in my eyes. I got up and hugged each and every one of them, thanking them in the process. I wiped the tears out of my eyes, and stared at my peanut. It was a beautiful gift, and I felt very loved in that moment.


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is a lovely little sister who is currently baking me a batch of Oreo cheesecake cupcakes. Yum-O! Song for this chapter-"Glass"-Thompson Square. (another country song.)**

I awoke with a start from another damn nightmare, and couldn't get back to sleep. So, instead of waking Edward up I made my way downstairs to the kitchen for a glass of water. When I couldn't calm myself down I went upstairs to my purse and grabbed an Ativan, and went back downstairs to take it. I sat at the island and took another drink with shaky hands. I knew I was crying, but I didn't bother to wipe the tears away when more would just fall in their place. I hated Jacob, and everything he had done to me. I wanted to kill him, but I would have to settle for him being in prison for the rest of his miserable life. I hated the nightmares. Especially the one I'd had tonight. Jacob had gotten out of jail on bail, and had come back to kill me. I woke up just before he plunged the knife into my heart.

Nights like these I wish he had killed me and saved me all this heartache. But then I think of Edward and how much worse it would have been for him if I had died along with our baby. He was always saying he couldn't imagine a life without me; just as I could not imagine a life without him. That was why I had to get my shit together and start getting over this whole ordeal. We had a life to live together, and I would be of no use if I were depressed all the time. Didn't make it any easier, but it was true none the less. If I could shake these dreams I'd probably be doing a little bit better at least, but as it was that wasn't happening. I took another shaky drink, and sighed heavily.

This was not how I had envisioned my life to be at the age of twenty six. It seemed as if every time we were happy, and things were going good they fell apart all over again. And it was always my fault; especially the last few years. The first time I lost our baby I fell apart, and it nearly broke us. This time was no different. I had lost our baby again, and because of that Edward was broken; and so was I for that matter. Couldn't I do anything right? It sure as hell didn't feel like it. It felt like all I ever did was fail; especially in this relationship. And now I had lost another child. How was I supposed to go on? Not only that my pain, my weakness was causing Edward more pain than he should have to bear.

"Bella."

I nearly screamed at the sound of Alice's voice cutting through the silence that had surrounded me moments before. She came and sat on the other side of the island, facing me with a somber expression. I wiped futilely at the tears that were still falling rapidly down my face, and looked up at her. She looked worried, and sad.

"What's wrong, Alice?" I asked my voice thick with emotion. She sighed, and stared at me; searching for what I don't know. "I have to tell you something, but I'm afraid of how you might react." She admitted quietly. "It's like ripping off a band aide, Alice. The faster you do it the less it will hurt so just spit it out." I replied wiping at more tears.

"All right. I went to my doctor the day before your attack. Turns out I am pregnant." She said in a rush. I sat there dumbfounded for a few minutes, and then stood up. I walked calmly to the front door, stepped out into the snow and shut the door behind me. And then I let out a very loud and very long scream. I fell to my knees and started punching uselessly at the powdery snow. The door opened and Alice stepped out with me.

"Bella, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" She exclaimed. I stood up and turned to her. "Why? Why would tell me that now? Why would you tell me that?" I yelled as fresh tears began falling. "I'm sorry, Bella! You're my best friend, and you're the last to know! How do you think that makes me feel? No, forget I said that. I'm sorry. I needed you to know. I needed to be able to tell you that." She explained quickly.

"It's not okay, Alice! It is _not_ okay!" I yelled. "Right now, I don't fucking care that I'm your best friend! Put yourself in my position for a minute! I just lost my baby, why would you tell me that you are pregnant when I just lost my baby? How could you fucking do that? That is so selfish, Alice! God! You are so selfish!" I yelled angrily.

"I'm selfish?" She yelled back. "I'm selfish? I'm not the one leaving my fiancé to deal with a tragedy by himself while I go cut myself in the bathroom, Bella! I'm not the one moping around for over a month acting like I'm the only one to ever go through what you went through! I'm not the one who is-"

I cut her off with a slap to her face. "Don't you fucking talk to me again without apologizing for what you just said." I demanded. I went back into the house, slamming the door behind me. There in front of me was the entire family. _Fuck my life._ I didn't realize I was shivering until Edward wrapped a blanket around me. Of course, standing out in the snow in a tank top and shorts would do that to a person.

"Anymore surprises I should know about?" I asked quietly. "Yeah, I'm pregnant, too." Emmett stated with a grin. Rosalie smacked him on top of his head, but I just smiled. That was Emmett for you. Always trying to lighten the mood. "Alright then, sorry to have woken you all up." I stated making my way past everyone. I walked slowly up the stairs with Edward right behind me. Once inside our room with the door closed he enveloped me in his arms, and I broke down.

I felt bad for how I had treated Alice, but at the same time I felt I was justified in my actions. Especially after her comments about me; even if I agreed with her. Edward lifted me up in his arms and carried me to the bed. Once we were situated, and I had somewhat calmed down I turned to face him. He looked angry, really angry.

"I told her not to tell you." He ground out before I could say anything. "I told her it was too soon, and that I would tell you once you were doing better. And I can't believe she said those things to you!" He continued. I sighed heavily, and placed a hand on his cheek.

"She was right though. I have left you alone to deal with everything. That wasn't very fair of me, and I'm sorry." I stated quietly.

"You're doing the best you can, love. I don't blame you for anything and I certainly don't expect you to ignore your feelings for mine." He argued softly. "I could be a little more supportive for you, Edward." I retorted. "Like I said before, love. You're doing the best you can. I don't expect anything from you other than you not trying to self mutilate your body." He said.

"I'm really sorry, Edward. If it helps I'm thinking of calling Jan myself." I stated snuggling closer to him. "I think that would be really good for you." He replied, sounding a bit surprised.

"I thought I could handle it on my own, but I'm beginning to rethink my opinion." I explained with a yawn. He smiled and kissed me lightly. "Go to sleep, love." He murmured. He started humming my lullaby and before I knew it I was out.

I woke up sometime in the early afternoon alone. I couldn't believe I had slept so long, but it was understandable given the night before. With a heavy sigh I got up and took a shower. I dressed quickly in the jeans and sweater Alice had bought for me, and went to find her. I couldn't leave things the way they were with her. I found her sitting on the back porch with a cup of hot chocolate Esme had made. I grabbed one for myself and went to join Alice. I sat down beside her on the porch swing, and sipped my drink.

"I'm sorry." We said at the same time, and laughed. "I'm really sorry, Bella. I shouldn't have said those things to you, and maybe I shouldn't have told you about the baby yet." Alice stated quietly.

"I'm sorry for smacking you, and for calling you selfish. I was in shock I think. You shouldn't have to be worried about my reaction to something as great as this, and I'm sorry you felt you had to be. I'm sorry for reacting the way I did." I apologized. She gave me a one armed hug, and smiled.

"Are you really okay with this?" She asked after a moment. I thought about it and nodded. "I'm very happy for you, Alice. You're going to be a great mother. How's Jasper handling it?" I asked.

"He's excited surprisingly. I figured he'd be running for the hills, but we had a long talk before I told him. He said I should have known once he proposed that he was ready for a family, and he was right. I should have known that; I was just scared." She explained.

"I'm glad. He'll be a great dad, too." I replied. "So we're really okay?" She asked after another few minutes of silence. I smiled at her. "Of course we are." I answered, hugging her tightly.


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is a killer headache and an upset stomach. Oh, and a three year old who doesn't want to go to bed. I hate being the bad guy. =/ Song for this chapter-"Skyscraper"-Demi Lovato. I don't care for her very much, but this song has gotten me through some pretty dark days.**

I took a sip of my hot cocoa, and stared out into the woods. I knew that just beyond what the eye could see from the porch was a beautiful meadow; Edward had taken me there on many occasions. Maybe in the dead of winter it wasn't the prettiest site, but in the spring it was the most beautiful place in the world to me. Seeing all the wildflowers blowing in the wind always made me feel so alive, and free. I'd give anything to feel like that right now. I turned back to Alice to find her staring at me; pity and concern lacing her features.

"He broke me, Alice." I stated quietly. "I know you all think I'm being selfish, and if I'm being honest with myself I guess I am being pretty selfish, but it isn't a conscious decision. It's not a choice at all really. I know Edward is suffering, too, but he just lost a baby. Jacob took more than just our baby from me, and I don't know how to deal with that. I mean, when we're at home if Edward leaves the room I nearly have a panic attack. I still can't go anywhere by myself, but especially not the market. When my phone goes off I'm still afraid to look at it; even though I know it isn't him. It's rough, Alice, really rough." I explained.

"I can't imagine what you're going through, Bella, but you have to remember that Edward is your fiancé. He can help you with this stuff if you tell him about it. And you need to talk about it; just keeping it bottled up inside doesn't do any good. It makes you do really stupid things like cutting yourself open. So start talking to someone. Edward, or me, or maybe Jan." She suggested.

"I was just telling Edward last night that I'm thinking of calling Jan. I thought I could get through this without her, but it's not looking good. And Edward is going back to work after the first of the year so my days with him are limited, and I'm scared, Alice. I'm not ready to go back to work yet, and I know Edward has to, but I don't know how I'm going to cope with being alone all day." I admitted quietly.

"You'll get through it sweetie. You'll have Esme, and me, and Rosalie when she isn't traveling for work. You aren't alone, Bella, and I think you forget that sometimes." She stated squeezing my hand comfortingly. "I feel alone most of the time." I whispered, wiping at the tears that had begun falling.

"But you aren't alone, sweetheart. Just because we don't understand what you went through doesn't mean you can't talk to us about it. Esme has lost a child before, and you know Rose was raped, and you know my past as well. Just because we all went through different things doesn't mean we don't know the suffering you're going through; at least to some extent. We can only help if you let us though, and that's what you need to do." She stated passionately.

"I don't know how to do that yet. He shattered everything." I stated. "He just shattered the windows, you're still standing. It's time to work damage control." She replied quickly.

"Hey, you two Esme made lunch." Rosalie stated poking her head out the door. I wiped my face dry, and we headed inside to the dining room. My ears were burning from being outside so long, but it felt good in a way. I usually loved the cold weather; in the midst of all that had happened I'd nearly forgotten that. Alice was right as usual; it was time to start living again. I definitely had to call Jan. That would be the first thing on my to do list once the holidays were over. And I had to stop dwelling on what Jacob had done to me. It happened; it was over, now it was time to get past it.

After lunch we all went to the living room to watch the weather report. It turned out we'd be stuck for at least another day or two. The snow plows were working as fast the snow was falling, but they were getting a whole lot of nowhere. It was just a matter of waiting out the storm; which the weatherman said should be done within twenty four hours. Snowstorms were the only part of winter I didn't care for, and that was just on principal. I didn't like being stuck somewhere for days on end; especially when it wasn't my home. I hated not having clothes, or my own bed to sleep in. I guess it was a good thing though that I had put my medication in my purse before we left the house yesterday. At least I wouldn't be without that for the next day or two.

Alice, of course, was dripping with excitement over the news report. She was always complaining that we never spent enough time together anymore so this was just perfect for her. I had to admit, if I had to be stuck anywhere, I was glad it was with family. I went upstairs to take my medicine and get a pair of tennis shoes from Esme's closet. Emmett wanted to go play in the snow. I swear he acted just like a five year old at times, but I loved him for it. As I was getting my medicine I heard my phone chirp, and my heart skipped a beat. I really hated that it still did that, but that was just one of the many things I'd have to deal with. I saw that I had a new voicemail from a private number, and I got butterflies in my stomach.

I decided to ignore it for now, I didn't need anymore stress in my life at the moment. I took my medicine and was just leaving the room when I heard my phone start ringing. I ran back to the nightstand and grabbed it.

"Hello?"

"Hi, is this Isabella Swan?" A deep male voice asked. "This is Bella." I clarified.

"This is Detective Aaron Flynn with the Seattle police department. I'm sorry to bother you the day after Christmas, but I have some news for you regarding your parents." He explained quickly.

"My parents?" I asked, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Yes, you are the daughter of a Charlie and Renee Swan correct?" He asked. "Uh, yeah. Look if they've been arrested or something you're calling the wrong person. I haven't spoken to them in years, and I have no intention of bailing them out." I stated quickly.

"That won't be necessary Ms. Swan. I'm afraid I have some rather unfortunate news for you. Your parents were found dead last week. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to inform you but we just recently learned they even had a daughter, and then we had to track you down of course. They died of a drug overdose. You can come to identify the bodies if you'd like, but we have made positive ID's on both of the victims so it isn't necessary." He explained.

My parents were dead? Should I feel sad about this? They died of drug overdoses so at least I know they died happily. Stupid, good for nothing, selfish idiots. I hated them more in this moment than I have ever hated them before. Well, at least I knew some things never changed.

"Ms. Swan?"

"Sorry, what?" I asked, a bit embarrassed. "Should we expect you at any time to collect the bodies?" The detective asked impatiently. "What the hell do I want with their bodies?" I spit out. "Uh, well for funeral purposes, ma'am." He stuttered into the phone. I felt my face flush with more embarrassment. "Oh, right. Um, no thank you. Like I told you I haven't seen them in years. I have no desire to see them now, and honestly I don't think anyone would come to their funerals anyways." I said a bit harshly.

"Right. Well, again I'm very sorry." Detective Flynn stated. "Yep. Thanks for calling." I replied hanging up. I set my phone down, and went to get the tennis shoes from Esme's room. I found them quickly and headed back downstairs to the foyer where everyone was waiting.

"It's about time, Bella." Emmett stated with a grin. "Sorry guys. I just got off the phone with the Seattle police department." I stated sitting on the bottom step. I put on my socks, and start putting on the tennis shoes.

"Bella! What happened?" Alice asked smacking me lightly on the back of my head. "Oh, right. Sorry, uh my parents are dead." I said with a shrug. "Oh my god! That's terrible!" Rosalie exclaimed.

"Please. It's not the end of the world." I snorted tying the shoe laces. "Bella!" Alice chided. Edward came to kneel in front of me, and held my gaze. "Are you alright?" He asked, looking concerned.

"I'm fine. They died of drug overdoses; big surprise there right? Really, I'm fine. Let's go outside." I stated giving him a light kiss. We all donned our winter gear that Esme and Carlisle had prepared for us, and ran out the door.

It was still snowing, but it had lightened up quite a bit since Alice and I were out earlier. I found a bush to hide behind, and quickly started making snowballs. I gathered a few up in my arms, and made my way slowly out from behind the bush. I couldn't see anyone, but that didn't mean anything. They were all hiding; doing the same thing I had been doing. I saw a flash of movement in the corner of my eye, and turned just in time to miss a snowball flying towards me.

I launched my own snowball at Jasper, and laughed as it hit him square in the face. He glared at me and launched another snowball my way. I ducked, but it got me on the shoulder anyway. I threw two more his ways and ran to hide behind my bush again. We stayed out way longer than we should have, but we were having too much fun to go in. I had a great time; letting everything that had been bothering me lately roll off my shoulders with every snowball I threw or got hit with.

We piled inside and took off our layers of gloves, coats and scarves, and made our way to the living room to sit in front of the fire. Esme came in to tell us she was making chili for dinner, and that just further brightened our moods. Esme made the best chili. We decided to play monopoly until dinner was ready, and then we all went and ate. Once dinner was done, and I helped Esme with the dishes again we continued our game. Monopoly was one of those games that took forever to play, but it was so much fun. Especially when we played together; we tended to make our own rules up as we went along. We stayed up late playing our game and talking about anything and everything.

They kept asking me if I was alright, and I continued to tell them I was. I wasn't lying. I was fine with my parents' deaths; as terrible as that sounds. I hadn't talked to them in so long that it felt as if they were already dead to me anyway so really… it wasn't a big shock. If anything it was relief off my shoulders. I didn't have to wonder anymore what had happened to them. Now I knew they had never gotten clean, or looked for me, or anything. They had continued living just as selfishly as if I were still there, and that's all I needed to know.


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is a house that needs to be cleaned…but I so don't feel like it. Did I ever mention I'm a procrastinator of the worst kind? No? Well, I am. =] Except for when it comes to writing. Hm…imagine that. Song for this chapter-"What's left"-3 doors down. **

I woke up the next morning feeling refreshed. I didn't have a nightmare last night. First time in over a month that I haven't had one, but I wasn't so naïve as to think they were gone. It was a fluke. I knew that, but I was still happy not to have had one for at least one night. I stretched as far as I could, and sat up in bed slowly so as not to wake Edward. He was up later than I was talking with Jasper and Emmett. I got up and went to the bathroom. Once I was finished I made my way down the stairs to the kitchen where the smell of coffee was assaulting my nostrils.

"You're up early." Emmett greeted me as I walked in. "So are you. I figured you'd sleep in. What time did you boys finally turn in last night?" I asked sitting at the island. "After three." He shrugged, pouring a cup of coffee. I looked up at the clock and blanched.

"It's only seven. How are you functioning?" I asked with a chuckle. "I'm always up early. I try to get a good work out in before work every day. I was just about to go for a run. Want to join me?" He asked. "I don't have any clothes, Em. Other wise I would." I replied getting up to get some coffee myself. "It's funny you say that. Alice left some clothes in the laundry room for you last night. Said she had a feeling you'd need them." He stated with a grin.

I wasn't sure whether to be grateful or wish her dead for thinking of me. I hadn't worked out in way too long, but a run sounded really good. I poured my coffee and added lots of sugar and hazelnut creamer to it. "Isn't the snow a little deep for running?" I asked as an after thought. He just shrugged and smiled. Apparently not for him. _Okay, Bella. You wanted a new start. Here you go._ I sat back down across from Emmett and we drank our coffee in silence.

"You going or not?" He asked, rinsing his cup out. "Let me change real quick." I replied, handing him my cup. I went into the laundry room, shut the door and changed into the work out clothes Alice had provided for me. Either she bought these for me too, or she kept clothes here. Either way I decided to be thankful. I pulled my hair into a tight pony tail, and put on the tennis shoes I'd worn yesterday. I grabbed a fleece jacket off the coat hanger, and a pair of ear muffs. Emmett was waiting by the door with an evil grin on his face.

"Okay you keep looking at me like that and I'm staying here." I stated with a laugh. "Wanna make a bet?" He suggested, still with that grin on his face. Typical Emmett. "I'm game." I challenged. "I bet you can't keep up with me and you turn around half way through the run. If you keep up I'll be your slave for the entire day. If you don't you have to cook me breakfast and lunch." He stated.

"You're on." I said with more bravado than I actually felt. He laughed and opened the door. I shut the door quietly behind me, and followed him in a light jog. The snow was pretty deep, but it was manageable for a run; barely. My feet would be frozen solid by the time we got back, but to have Emmett as my slave for the day would be worth it.

Two miles in I was seriously regretting our bet. My lungs were burning for oxygen that I couldn't give them, and my legs felt like rubber. But I would not give up. I stayed right by Emmet's side the entire way. He even tried cheating on the way back by running faster, but I kept his pace; my need for air greatly increasing the entire time. By the time we tumbled into the house I was dying for oxygen and sweating bullets. I peeled off the fleece jacket and hung it back up, along with the ear muffs, and kicked the shoes off, too.

"You're first…job of …the day…is to go…find me some…clothes." I panted, leaning against the front door. "I can't…fucking believe you… ran…four miles." He panted walking out of the room. I laughed loudly, and made my way into the kitchen for some more coffee. Esme, Carlisle and Edward were sitting at the island when I walked in. I took deep breaths as I poured the coffee and added my goodies, and went to stand at the island. By that time I could mostly breathe without panting, but my legs were a little shaky.

"Where'd you get off to so early?" Edward asked, kissing my head. "Went for a run with your cheater of a brother." I replied with a smile.

"I did not cheat." Emmett stated defiantly handing me my clothes. "You didn't run faster the two miles back?" I argued. He smiled. "I always run faster at the end of my run." I glared at him. "You always run four miles? Because you were panting pretty hard there buddy." I replied quickly.

"Okay, fine. I don't always run that far, but I had to see if you could keep up." He laughed. "I'll take some French toast with bananas and caramel for breakfast. And don't burn it." I stated with a laugh of my own. Emmett growled, but turned around to get the ingredients.

"Why is my brother cooking you breakfast?" Edward asked, following me upstairs. "He lost a bet." I replied, still laughing. We took a shower together, but no hanky panky; that would come later tonight if we were home by then. I dressed quickly in the yoga pants and t-shirt Emmett had brought me and pulled my hair into a messy bun. Edward helped me make the bed, and we went back downstairs together.

I walked back into the kitchen and my French toast was sitting on the island. Emmett had disappeared, but Esme was there cooking for everyone else. "He grumbled the entire time he made that." Esme said with a smile. I giggled as I took my first bite. _Mmmm. Delicious._ "He shouldn't make bets he doesn't want to pay up on." I stated taking another bite. "Well, don't be too hard on him. Losing is a good enough way to get him back. He hates to lose." She said with a laugh. "Aw, Esme you're such a good mom. Worrying about your grown son's feelings. He'll get over it." I said with another laugh.

"You're in a good mood today." Rosalie stated walking into the kitchen. I shrugged and took another bite. "Your boyfriend can cook." I stated. "That he can, and he can do laundry, too." She said with a smile. "Won a few bets yourself huh?" I asked with a grin. She nodded as she poured herself a cup of coffee. I finished my breakfast, and started washing the dishes as everyone was finishing theirs. Esme came in shortly after that and took over saying I'd done enough dishes over the last few days. I tried arguing with her, but it did no good; it never does. So giving up I went to join the rest of the crew in the living room.

There was a fire going again, and it felt nice and toasty. I sat next to Edward on the couch, and curled my legs underneath me. I noticed everyone had gotten quiet when I came in, and I felt my face flush with embarrassment. It was never good when a room got quiet when you entered it.

"We were just talking about you." Alice chirped, confirming my suspicions. "I figured as much. Should I leave so you can continue the conversation, or are you done talking behind my back?" I asked with a smile. Edward chuckled and patted my leg.

"You're different today. What gives?" Rosalie asked after a minute. "Yeah, did you get laid last night or what?" Emmett asked with a laugh. "We tried asking Edward but that boy is locked tighter than a vault." He continued laughing. I felt my face get even hotter and I tried to hide behind Edward's arm.

"Oh, come on Bella! You can tell us. I know I got some last night." Alice stated matter of factly. I threw a pillow at her and shook my head. "Okay so sex isn't the reason for your good mood. What is it then?" Jasper asked with a smile.

"I don't know what you guys are talking about. I'm the same me I was yesterday." I answered with a shrug. "No, definitely not. You're different somehow. Lighter, happier than you have been in a while. You've been laughing all day and cracking jokes. It's a very different you." Alice explained. _Oh, that._

"Well, I just decided to put everything behind me. I mean, I had everything I wanted and when I lost it it broke my heart, but maybe it was for the best. There was a reason the baby didn't make it, and as much as I wanted that to be different it's probably for the best that it didn't work out. There's a reason for everything ya know? I'm just tired of feeling so sad all the time, and I figure the best way to not to feel sad is to get over it. I know it isn't that simple, but I don't have to dwell on it every second of every day." I explained quietly.

"Well, good for you." Rosalie stated with a smile. "You're still going to call Jan though right?" Alice asked. I smiled and rolled my eyes at her attempt at being motherly. "Yes, Alice I'm still going to call Jan. After the holidays are over." I clarified.

"So, Bella. You up for another run tomorrow?" Emmett asked with a grin. I smiled at him. "Damn straight I am. I just hope you can keep up." I replied playfully.

We sat and talked for awhile, and watched the weather report again. It looked like we'd be stuck for tonight, but they promised all the roads would be cleared by morning. That's what happened when you lived in a small town; everything happened at a much slower pace. I honestly didn't mind though. I was getting to spend a lot of time with my adopted siblings, and parents; as well as my fiancé. I was more worried about when we went home, and I didn't have all these distractions to get me through my days. I would have to work harder than I had to here as unfair to Edward as that was, but I would do it. I had to do it. There was no going back to zombie Bella. Period.


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is an insane addiction to junk food. Seriously. I feel like a kid all over again every time I eat gushers or a fruit by the foot or something. It's terrible, but satisfying. And amazing that I don't weigh 300 lbs! Anyhoo-song for this chapter-"Lullaby"-Nickelback. P.s-there's some long overdue lemonade coming up. =] Hope you enjoy! **

I woke up the next morning bright and early, and ran two miles with Emmett. He said he didn't want to push me too far two days in a row. I laughed and said he didn't want to push himself; though I was very thankful he didn't make me run four miles again. I took a shower and put on the same clothes I'd worn yesterday. Alice had no more clothes for me in her secret bag of tricks, but that was okay. We were leaving today anyways. The roads were cleared for the most part on our run so I knew we weren't stuck anymore. For some reason that made me feel a little sad, but I was dealing with it. I had a bagel and some coffee for breakfast, and went to sit in the living room by myself.

Esme and Carlisle were already gone; they both had to go in to work today since they'd been off the last few days and everyone else was still asleep. Emmett had gone back to bed claiming he was tired, but I think he was sore from too much running. I sat there on the couch, reflecting on the last few days. We'd made a lot of good memories for later on in life, and I was happy for that. But I was sad it was coming to an end, and also a little shaken by my latest nightmare. This time the baby had survived, but Jacob came back for her after she was born. The alarm woke me up before he could kill her, but the idea was still in my head. I eyed our picture of the baby on the fireplace, and felt tears well up in my eyes.

_Damn it all to hell._ I wasn't supposed to be crying. I wasn't supposed to be letting these emotions bother me like this. I swiped at the tears that had fallen, and got up. I refused to just sit here and cry damn it. I went to the piano room, and sat down on the bench. I started playing my new favorite song.

_Well I know the feeling Of finding yourself _

_Stuck out on a ledge. And there ain't no healing_

_From cutting yourself With a jagged edge._

_I'm telling you that It's never that bad._

_Take it from someone Who's been where you're at._

_Laid out on the floor And you're not sure_

_You can take this anymore._

_So just give it One more try_

_To a lullaby and turn this up _

_On the radio. If you can hear_

_Me now I'm reaching out_

_To let you know that you're not alone_

_And if you can't tell I'm scared as hell_

_Cause I can't get you on the telephone_

_So just close your eyes well honey _

_Here comes a lullaby _

_You're very own lullaby._

_Please let me take you out of the darkness_

_And into the light. Cause I have faith in you_

_That you're gonna make it through another night_

_Stop thinking about the easy way out_

_There's no need to go and blow the candle out_

_Because you're not done. You're far too young_

_And the best is yet to come. _

_So just give it one more try_

_To a lullaby and turn this up _

_On the radio. If you can hear_

_Me now I'm reaching out_

_To let you know that you're not alone_

_And if you can't tell I'm scared as hell_

_Cause I can't get you on the telephone_

_So just close your eyes well honey _

_Here comes a lullaby _

_You're very own lullaby._

_Well everybody's hit the bottom. And everybody's _

_Been forgotten. Well everybody's tired of _

_Being alone. Yeah everybody's been adandoned_

_And left a little empty handed. So if you're_

_Out there barely hanging on_

_So just give it one more try_

_To a lullaby and turn this up _

_On the radio. If you can hear_

_Me now I'm reaching out_

_To let you know that you're not alone_

_And if you can't tell I'm scared as hell_

_Cause I can't get you on the telephone_

_So just close your eyes well honey _

_Here comes a lullaby _

_You're very own lullaby._

I sat there and played a few other songs, letting the tears flow freely for awhile. I figured it was better than keeping it bottled up inside. At least if I got it out now it was one less bad day to go through down the road. I started thinking about my parents as well, and that just led to more tears. They were so selfish, but really what did I expect from drug addicts? I had just hoped over the years that they would have come to their senses and quit using the drugs, and maybe looked for me. At least now I knew they hadn't done either. It was a good thing I hadn't gone looking for them either apparently if a detective in Seattle called me. I would have been looking in Port Angeles as that was the last address I had for them.

I didn't regret the decision not to have funerals for them though; I had said my goodbyes a long time ago. It just hurt a little that they hadn't bothered to miss me. Again though, what did I expect from drug addicts?

"Bella?"

I jumped at the sound of my name, and turned to see Edward leaning against the door frame. _God he was so hot._ "How long have you been standing there?" I asked, wiping the tears off my face. "A while. I like watching you play." He admitted with a sheepish grin. I put the cover over the keys, and stood up to stretch my muscles.

"I didn't realize you were crying at first. Are you okay?" He asked, concern lacing his words. I smiled and walked towards him. "I'm fine. I was having a bad moment so I came in here to play it away for awhile." I explained quickly. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly. He hugged me back and kissed the top of my head. He pulled away and placed his hands on either side of my face, searching my eyes for reassurance. I tried my best to erase all traces of sadness, and smiled.

"I love you." He said fervently. "I love you, too." I replied, kissing him lightly. We walked hand in hand back to the living room where everyone else was talking loudly.

"Bella! Just the person I need to see! How many miles did we run today?" Emmett boomed with a weird look on his face. It took me a second to get that the look was supposed to be a play along look, and I smiled widely at him.

"That depends. How many miles did you say we ran?" I asked, cocking my head to the side. "He said you ran six miles today. There is no way either of you ran six miles!" Jasper exclaimed loudly. "Three miles one way." I hedged with a grin.

"She's lying! You're lying!" Alice accused, pointing at me. I threw my hands up in the air in an 'I give up' manner and shrugged. "No friggin' way! I saw the way you two were panting from four miles yesterday! There is no way you ran six miles today!" Rosalie declared crossing her arms over her chest. I smiled and shrugged again. Edward laughed next to me, and said, "I'll tell you just give me a second."

He held my face in his hands again, and stared into my eyes with a cocked eyebrow. "Bella, did you run six miles today?" He purred. _Oh, man. _He wasn't playing fair at all. I stared into his eyes and sighed heavily. I wasn't even going to answer him. What was the point? He'd know if I were lying. Then he smiled widely, and winked at me. It was my turn to cock a brow, but I decided to play along. "Yes?" I said hesitantly.

"She's telling the truth." Edward lied, turning to face his siblings. "No fucking way." Rosalie stated, glaring at Edward and me. I couldn't help it anymore. I started laughing loudly and shook my head. Emmett groaned loudly as Jasper and Rosalie high fived each other.

"Bella! You're killing me here!" Emmett declared shaking his head. "Thank you for winning me another bet, Bella. Now Emmett has to clean our entire apartment, and do laundry for two weeks!" Rosalie stated with a grin.

"Glad to be of service to you." I mumbled. I felt kind of bad for letting Emmett down, but he should know better. I suck at playing tricks on anyone. I always end up giving it away somehow. Rosalie and Emmett left shortly after that, and Alice and I started cleaning the downstairs while Edward and Jasper went upstairs to strip all the beds. We started a load of laundry and wrote Esme a note to let her know that she needed to put them in the dryer. We left once we were satisfied with our cleaning, and Edward and I headed home.

It felt good to be home even if I was a little afraid to be there. It felt like coming home from the hospital all over again, and I wasn't very fond of that day. I had already taken an Ativan though so hopefully there would be no panic attack. I did some laundry, and light cleaning while Edward went and got us some Chinese food for lunch. It was a little scary being there by myself, but I kept myself busy and reminded myself it was only for a few minutes; I'm sure the Ativan had helped as well. I was never happier to see Edward than when he got back with our food. I so wasn't ready to be alone yet. _Crap._ I was so gonna be screwed after the first of the year when Edward went back to work. I took a deep breath, and tried to shake it off for now. I still had a few more days before that happened so no need to start thinking about it now.

"Are we hosting New Year's this year, or are we going back over to your parents?" I asked, taking a bite of my sweet and sour chicken. "Well, that's up to us I think. I know Carlisle has to work that night so he won't be there, and I'm not sure what Esme has planned really." Edward replied quickly. "I think it would be fun to have it here. We've never hosted anything before so why not?" I said thoughtfully.

"If you're feeling up to it sure we could host it. I'll call everyone after we eat and set it up. We…um I mean I'll have to go to the market before then anyway so I'll just pick up the extra we need for that night." Edward stated. "Maybe I'll go with you. I can't stand being alone in this place, and I need to get over the fear anyway." I said quickly, taking another bite of chicken.

"I don't really think that's a good idea until you've talked to Jan, love. We haven't gone near the store since your attack, and I don't really see the need in testing that theory when we only have Ativan to rely on." Edward said slowly. "We have to try sometime." I argued. "And we will…after you see Jan. I'll see if Alice or Rosalie can stay with you while I go." Edward replied quickly. "I don't need a babysitter Edward." I grumbled, playing with my food.

"Bella, that's not what I meant." He said softly. "I know." I sighed heavily. We finished our food in silence and I cleaned up our mess. Edward went to go take a shower, and I went into the bedroom to light some candles. It was time to sex up my fiancé. I undressed quickly when I heard the shower turn off, and climbed onto the bed to wait. A few minutes later a very naked Edward came walking out with a towel in his hand drying his hair. When he saw me lying on the bed he dropped the towel and his mouth formed a perfect 'o'. It was pretty cute actually, but I wasn't going for cute. I waggled my finger in a 'come here' motion and he started walking slowly towards me. Already my heart was beating out of my chest and I wanted more. It had definitely been way too long since we'd made love. He crawled up the bed and hovered over me, pure lust in his eyes.

"Bella, are you sure abou-" I cut him off with a kiss that quickly turned from playful to passionate. He broke the kiss long enough to leave a trail of hot, wet kisses along my jaw and neckline before coming back up to claim my mouth with his again. He nudged my legs apart with his hip and I smiled into his mouth. He slid slowly inside of me and we both groaned at the pleasure of it. When he didn't move for a few seconds I started rocking my hips; I wasn't in the mood for slow. He got the hint after a minute and started pumping faster inside of me. I could feel the coil starting in my belly, and I moaned loudly. He grabbed my leg and put it up on his shoulder; both of us groaning as he pushed deeper inside of me.

He kissed me deeply again and starting even faster. Within minutes I was screaming my release alongside of him and he collapsed on top of me, breathing heavily. He rolled onto his side after a few minutes, and just stared at me with a smile on his face.

"What?" I asked, a blush creeping onto my face. "You're beautiful. I love you." He murmured. "Aw, I love you, too, but you don't have to butter me up Edward. You already got laid." I said with a laugh. He chuckled and rolled back on top of me. "Yeah, that was a good fuck, but now I want to make love to my fiancé."


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. Have I also mentioned that I have a crazy addiction to sunflower seeds? They must be in the shell though otherwise you can hang it up. I eat loads of sunflower seeds while I'm writing. My lovely husband calls me bird b/c of it. We just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary so happy anniversary to me! =] Anyhoo enough rambling from me! Thanks for all your reviews and adding my story to your alerts! I know I say this all the time, but it really does mean the world to me so please keep it up! Song for this chapter-"I hate everything about you"-Three Days Grace. P.s-Happy Memorial Day weekend! I hope everyone will remember what this weekend is about and know that our freedom is never free! **

I woke up the next morning with some major aches in my nether region and legs, but it was alright by me. We spent the majority of yesterday afternoon and evening in bed getting reacquainted with one another and it was perfect. I was in a great mood because of it, and I suppose it also helped that I didn't have a nightmare last night. If all I had to do was bang my fiancé to avoid those than I'd do it every night for the rest of my life. The smell of coffee wafted into the room, and I got up immediately. I threw on a pair of shorts and one of Edward's old t-shirts and padded into the kitchen.

"Good morning, love." Edward greeted me with a smile. I smiled back and sat down at the table. "I thought we'd have some coffee, and then go for a run if you're up for it." He said, handing me a cup of coffee. He'd already added my goodies and I took a small sip. _Yum-o!_ "A run sounds good." I replied with a smile of my own. Anything sounded good to me today. I was in a very good mood.

We drank our coffee in silence, and then I went to change into some warmer work out clothes. Edward met me at the door, and we started off. Everything was going just fine until I decided to take the lead, and without really thinking about it headed into town. We had just been so secluded for the last few days I wanted to see more people, and the hustle and bustle of the last minute holiday shopping. We passed the pharmacy, and the café and a few book stores before I heard Edward yelling my name behind me.

But it was too late. I stopped as if I'd hit a brick wall, and stood there trying to remember how to breathe. We were in the parking lot of the grocery store, but that wasn't what had stopped me. No, what had stopped me was Jacob's car. Logically I knew someone else must have been driving it because Jacob was in jail, but my brain wasn't communicating with the rest of my body. I turned around, looking for Edward, but I couldn't see anything. The world went black and the next thing I knew something hard connected with my head.

"Bella! Bella, wake up!" I heard Edward's panicked voice, and then felt the sting of something hard against my face. I opened my eyes immediately, and glared up at him. "Did you just smack me?" I accused angrily. He laughed a relieved sort of sound and helped me to sit up. "I'm sorry, love, but I couldn't get you to wake up. How's your head?" He asked, concern lacing his words. Well, now that he mentioned it it hurt like hell, but that was beside the point. He just smacked me! "I can't believe you smacked me!" I exclaimed, placing a hand gently to my cheek. It still stung. _Asshat!_

"You just passed out in the middle of a parking lot, and you're stuck on the fact that I smacked you? You're unbelievable. How is your head?" He asked again. "It hurts like hell, and that smack didn't help anything! I'm fine help me up." I demanded angrily. He smiled, but helped me to my feet. "I tried to warn you that we were headed for the store, but you just kept on going." He said once he made sure I was steady on my feet. I spotted the reason I'd passed out to begin with, and turned so I didn't have to look at it. "I didn't pass out because of the store. Jacob's car is here." I explained quickly, pointing to where Jacob's car sat. He turned briefly to where it sat, and then turned back around.

"His dad or somebody must have it. Come on; let's go before they come out. That's the last thing you need right now." He stated pushing me forward. "Good! Let them come out! I'd like to hear what they have to say." I exclaimed getting mad all over again. He rolled his eyes and kept pushing me. "I think you hit your head a little too hard. Let's go."

I fought to stay where I was. I wanted to see someone. I don't know why, but I needed to. I needed to know what they'd say to me. Would they apologize? Or blame it on me? I had to know, but Edward was putting up a good fight. So I sidestepped him, and walked right over to where Jacob's car was. Granted, my heart rate increased along with my breathing, but I was still standing. It was just a car. Just a stupid fucking car, but it was his stupid car. I kicked the door as hard I could, and then pounded my fist on the window.

"Bella, this is not going to help matters." Edward chastised, but he made no move to stop me. So I hit the car again, harder this time. I wanted to break the window, or something. I kicked the mirror, and felt a little satisfaction when it broke the second time I kicked it. I kicked the door again, and felt the first wave of rage come wash over me, and with that the tears started falling. I kicked and beat on the door and window until my arm and leg hurt, but I didn't stop. I couldn't. All I could see was Jacob's face in my head, and that just fueled my rage.

"Stupid, selfish bastard! I hate you! I fucking hate you!" I yelled as I beat the car with all I had. The tears just kept falling, and all I felt, all I could see was the deep, black void that had been left in my heart from what Jacob did to me. What he took from me. "I hate you! I fucking hate you!" I yelled angrily. I punched the window has hard as I could and felt even more satisfaction when it cracked. I felt something snap in my hand, but I didn't care. I felt no pain. Just anger. I hit the window again and again until the crack was a big spider web, and I would've kept going if Edward hadn't pulled me away.

"Bella, stop! Calm down! Come on, love calm down." He whispered into my ear. He continued whispering loving words in my ear until I quit fighting against his hold. I buried my head in his chest, and cried harder than I'd cried in days. "I'm right here, love. I've got you." He murmured. Eventually my sobs died down until I was just sniffling against him, and he loosened his hold just barely. I pulled away from him, and looked up at him.

"Sorry." I mumbled, wiping my face free of tears. "Don't ever apologize for your feelings, love. I understand completely. I think I might have beaten the shit out of his car if you hadn't beat me to it." He joked. I laughed and kissed him. He grabbed my hands, and I jerked away from him; holding my left hand to my chest. He frowned, and took it gently. "I think I broke something." I sighed. He chuckled, and took my good hand in his. "Let's go back to the apartment and get the car. We'll go see Carlisle." He stated pulling me along.

"Well, you broke two knuckles, and fractured your middle finger. We're going to have to put a cast on it." Carlisle said with a sigh._ .Life._ I sighed heavily, and glared at him. "Seriously? A cast? For how long?" I whined. "Hey, you're the one who decided to use a car as a punching bag. For about six weeks, give or take a week. I'll be back." Carlisle replied walking out. I groaned and flopped back on the hospital bed. This fucking sucked, but he was right. It was my own damn fault. An hour later I was ready to go with a script for vicoden in hand. We stopped off at the pharmacy to have the script filled, and then went home. Edward reheated our Chinese food from yesterday, and we ate in silence. Once we were done he cleaned up our mess, and we sat in the living room.

"How's the hand?" He asked. "S'okay." I shrugged. "And how are you otherwise?" He asked quietly. "Actually, I don't feel so bad. Could just be the drugs talking though." I replied with a grin. He laughed and shook his head. I laid down on the couch, and put my head in his lap. "I really do hate him you know." I whispered. "I know, love. I do, too." He said quietly, running his hands through my hair.

"How do I get over that?" I asked. He blew out a long breath, and stared at me. "I think if I knew the answer to that question I'd be doing a little better than I am right now." He replied slowly. "Me too." I said with a yawn. I must've fallen asleep because the next thing I was aware of was the darkness surrounding me, and the fact that I was alone. I sat up on the couch, and tried not to panic. Still, my breathing sped up and my heart rate doubled almost instantaneously. Edward would not leave me alone in the dark, and that could only mean one thing. My nightmares had come true, and Jacob was here to kill me. My heart plummeted to my feet at that realization, and I jumped up from the couch. He could be anywhere in here; watching me right now, just waiting to strike. I tried to breathe more quietly, and took a step towards the kitchen.

I would not be held prisoner in my own home again. This time I would not go down without a good fight. I heard a noise in the bedroom, and I bolted to the kitchen grabbing the biggest knife I could find in the dark. I heard another noise and bit my lip to keep from screaming. _Alright, Bella. You can do this. _It was either fight or die trying, and I wasn't giving up as easily as I did last time. I took a tentative step forward, and then another and another. I had to find out where he was without him seeing me. That was the only way I was getting out of this alive, and I would not leave Edward this way. I refused. I clutched the knife to my chest tightly with both hands, and tried to ignore the throbbing pain from my left hand. Tears were starting to blur my vision, and I hastily wiped them away. I could not let anything distract me. I was in the hall by this point, and slowly making my way towards the bedroom. He had to be in there; it was the only logical place, but why? My throat constricted at the next thought in my head. What if he'd already killed Edward? _Oh, God._ No! Do _not_ think like that! No distractions come on Bella!

"Bella?" I screamed at the sound of my name, and sliced the knife in front of me praying like hell I'd hit my target somewhere vital. "Ow! Son of a bitch!" My would be killer yelled angrily. I sliced the knife into the darkness again, but he was ready for me this time. He grabbed both my arms, and slammed me into the wall; pinning my arms above my head. I twisted and turned every which way trying to break free, but he was too strong. He was winning. Again.

"Bella! Stop! It's me, it's Edward!" I dropped the knife the second that resonated through my brain and immediately quit fighting against him. He was alive! "Where's Jacob? Is he dead?" I whispered. "_What?_ Bella, Jacob is in _jail._" Edward stated, a bit of shock in his voice. He let go of my arms, and flipped on the lights. The phrase 'blinded by the light' came to mind as I blinked my eyes a few times trying to adjust to the brightness. He stared angrily at me for a few seconds, and then his face softened. "Oh, shit. I'm sorry, Bella. I knew I should've waited to take a shower until you were awake. I didn't think about it getting dark so soon." He said with a sigh. I stared at my fiancé; clad only his boxers, hair still damp from the shower, and a three inch cut on his chest. To say that I was embarrassed was an understatement.

"He really isn't here?" I asked quietly. "No, love. Jacob is in jail, and he isn't getting out." He replied wiping tears from my face. The tightness in my chest eased up ever so slightly, and then came back full force when I realized what I did. "Oh, Edward! I'm so sorry! I could've killed you!" I exclaimed, fresh tears welling up in my eyes.

"With a paring knife? Not likely." He snorted with a wry grin. I felt the familiar heat creep up my face, and looked down at the floor. Edward lifted my chin and stared into my eyes. "I'm fine. You're fine. That's all that matters. I'm sorry I left you alone." He said softly. I threw my arms around him, hugging him tightly. "I was so _scared._" I cried into his chest. He rubbed my back in a soothing gesture, and replied, "I know, love. I'm sorry. It won't happen again." He carried me into the bedroom, and laid me down gently on the bed. He left the room and came back quickly with a glass of water and a pain pill. Once I'd taken that he climbed into bed next to me, and held me close.


	34. Chapter 34

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is the need for some more song ideas for these chapters! Seriously anyone with ideas of songs from any genre leave a review or pm me please! It can be songs that you love, hate, or that have helped you through your hard times. My library is getting old! Help a lady out! =] Song for this chapter-"Addicted"-Kelly Clarkson. **

I woke up the next morning feeling a bit lost. Last night had been so real to me, and though I knew it was just my imagination it had shaken me to the core. I had hurt Edward as miniscule as it was, and nothing either of us could say or do would change that. Thank God it was only a paring knife I'd found otherwise who knows how last night would have played out, and all because of something one person had done to me. Everything was so fresh inside of me still, and I had no release for it. The pain was undeniable, but also unbearable. I know what I _wanted_, but it wasn't a good thing. So, instead I jumped up and threw on some work out clothes. I left a note for Edward and left the apartment quickly.

After three miles I still wasn't satisfied, and I knew I wouldn't be unless I did what I wanted to. It was an itch I didn't dare scratch, or did I? I ran faster on the way back, unable to control my need. I opened the front door quietly, and was eternally grateful that Edward was still asleep. I went into the kitchen, grabbed the bottle of Vicoden, and took three of them. I felt better just knowing I had taken them, and that scared me. Did I really want to go down this path again? Could Edward and I make it through something like that? He had helped me get clean the first time around, but we were only friends then. I didn't know, and while that scared me, the thought of not taking anything scared me more. I took a deep breath, and went to take a shower.

By the time I got out Edward was up. I found him in the living room putting his shoes on. "Going somewhere?" I asked sitting next to him on the couch. "Yeah, I have to go to the store today. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve, and we need a lot of stuff. Don't worry though Alice is on her way over." He replied. He gave me a quick kiss, and stood up. "How's your hand? Do you need a pain pill?" He asked walking towards the kitchen. "I took one before you woke up. I'm fine." I answered quickly.

"Oh, good. How about a bagel?" He suggested as I followed him into the kitchen. "Sounds great to me." I replied. I wanted to tell him what I'd done; it was right on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Partly because the pain pills were starting to kick in and it felt too good, but also because I was a chicken shit. I knew he'd be angry with me, and I didn't want that. So what did I do? I kept my mouth shut, and enjoyed the numbness overtaking me. Edward made a bagel for each of us and spread honey nut cream cheese on mine. By the time we were finished Alice was busting through the door, a wide grin on her pixie like face. Behind her was Rosalie; a welcome surprise.

"Hope you don't mine, but I brought a couple friends along." Alice stated pulling out two bottles of wine. Edward arched a brow, and crossed his arms. "And who would those be for?" He demanded. Rosalie laughed and Alice glared at her brother. "Bella and Rosalie of course. And don't you start with me buddy. Bella had a crazy night. She deserves a drink or two, and since I can't drink with her Rosalie volunteered to come with." Alice said matter of factly. I cracked a smile, but tried to hide it as I saw the look on Edward's face.

"Bella doesn't need to be drinking with her medicine or the pain pills." He said in a low voice. Alice glared harder and put her hands on her hips. "She's a big girl, Edward. She can have a damn drink it won't kill her." She snapped. Edward glared at his sister for a few minutes, and then shrugged. "You're right. She can drink if she wants to." He agreed. "I'll be back as soon as I can though with it being the day before a holiday I can't promise when that will be." He continued, giving me a light kiss.

Once he left Alice popped open the first bottle of wine while Rosalie got two glasses out of the cupboard. Alice filled the glasses and handed one to Rosalie and one to me. I took a sip, and sighed heavily. "I love your fiancé and all, but he sure can be overbearing. Especially where you are concerned." Alice stated with a smile. "Yeah, but he means well. Besides, I'm the same way with him so I can't complain. He's just looking out for me." I explained taking another drink of wine. I knew it wasn't smart to mix pain pills with alcohol, but I'd done it in the past with no problems so I wasn't too worried about it. I was already feeling high so really what was the wine going to do to me? Make me even more relaxed?

"So, tell us about last night. What happened?" Rosalie asked as we made our way into the living room. I sat on the couch with Alice while Rosalie sat on the oversized chair. "There's nothing to tell really. I woke up from a nightmare it was dark, and I was alone. I freaked out and grabbed a paring knife from the kitchen and cut Edward with it because I thought he was Jacob. I'm still freaked out about it, but I'm dealing with it." I explained. I took another drink of wine, and looked over at Rose, who was laughing. I glanced over at Alice and saw she was laughing, too.

"What's so funny?" I asked, my face already turning red. "Bella, seriously? A paring knife?" Rose asked after she caught her breath. I groaned and looked down at the floor. "It was dark. I couldn't see anything so I just grabbed the first knife I found on the butcher's block. I was in panic mode." I ground out.

"I get it. I really do, but come on. You have to see how that's funny." Alice stated with a smile. I rolled my eyes, but smiled despite myself. "Now I can see the humor in it, but last night not so much." I replied. I took another drink of wine, and sat back, relaxing into the couch. I was so high. It felt good to just…not feel everything I'd been feeling. To be able to really relax, and not worry what would happen in the next five minutes. To not care about anything. God I'd missed this feeling. A part of me was screaming how dangerous this was, but I gladly ignored that part as the rest of me enjoyed the peace inside.

"How are you doing now?" Alice asked after a few minutes of silence. "I'm great." I said with a smile. "Oh, come on. You're full of shit." Rosalie snorted. I arched a brow at her. "You don't really expect us to believe that right? I mean, we know you better than that, Bella. You don't have a night like that and then feel just peachy the next day." Alice said disbelievingly.

"Okay, fine. I woke up feeling like shit this morning, but I went for a run. That helped a lot. I'm doing fine now. I promise." I said. I wasn't really lying. I was feeling great at the moment. As long as they didn't ask why I was feeling so great I didn't feel the need to share. I finished my wine, and poured another glass.

"Are you on drugs?" Alice blurted out. I stared at her doe eyed for a minute, and then held up my cast. "Why, yes, yes I am." I deadpanned. She cracked a smile and shook her head. "Alright smartass. You just look…different today. You're not really focusing on us, and you seem kind of spaced out, but I guess if you're taking pain pills for your hand you would look that way." She rambled. I cleared my throat, and shifted in my seat. _That was close._ I blew out a long breath, and looked at my best friend.

"Do you really think I want to go down that path again? I'm done with that." I lied. I was such a hypocrite, but at the moment I really didn't care. I'd say anything to keep her from knowing the truth. I'm an ex/present drug user; I know how to manipulate someone when I need to. As terrible as that is it's the truth. Funny how fast those things come back to you.

"Sorry. I should've known better." She apologized quietly. Well, didn't I feel like a horse's ass? _Fuck me._ For the second time that day I wanted to confess, but I couldn't get the words out. I wasn't ready for this to be over yet. How selfish was I? Evidently selfish enough to let my best friend feel like shit. Go me. Not. Three hours, and two bottles of wine later Edward came walking in with his hands full of grocery bags. I stood up to go help him, and nearly fell over myself. Alice jumped up to catch me, laughing her ass off the whole time.

"You sit back down. I'll help Edward." She stated. "Thanks for getting my fiancé drunk." Edward snapped as he handed his sister a few of the grocery bags. "Oh, relax. She needed to loosen up a little." Alice snapped back. "That's what you call a little loosened up? She's completely shit faced." He argued as they walked into the kitchen. _Ugh._ Could I feel any worse right now? I stood up, and walked slowly to the bedroom, waving to Rosalie. I so did not want to hear anymore arguing from the two of them so I was going to bed. I flopped down on my stomach, and passed out.

I woke up the next day with a major headache. I groaned and heard Edward chuckle beside me. I tossed my pillow at him, and sat up slowly. _Ow!_ Sitting up just made it worse and I put my head in my hands. "Want me to go get you a pain pill?" Edward mumbled. "No, I'll get it." I sighed throwing the covers off of me. I walked slowly into the kitchen with a hand still on my head. I didn't dare turn on the light for fear it would hurt my head worse. I filled a glass with water, and swallowed three pills. I put the glass in the sink, and went back to bed. At least my stomach wasn't queasy; that was the worst part of a hangover to me.

We laid in bed for most of the day; eventually getting up to get ready for everyone. Edward bought a bunch of different finger foods for tonight so we didn't have too much to prepare to cook. I took a quick shower and dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt. I put my hair in a messy bun, and went to sit on the couch with Edward. Around seven thirty we started cooking the finger foods, and an hour later everyone was there. I snuck off to the kitchen for the fourth time that day to take three more Vicoden. I didn't plan on drinking tonight, but that didn't mean I had to be sober. I turned to go back into the living room, and stopped in my tracks when I saw Alice standing in the door way glaring at me. _Fuck me._


	35. Chapter 35

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is freshly manicured toes and they are pretty! =] I love getting pedicures! Please remember I'm in need of some new songs! Anything you can think of would be greatly appreciated! Song for this chapter-"Sober"-Pink. This song means more to me than I can say. It came out around the time I was using pills as an escape, and it really hit home for me. I knew I couldn't continue doing what I was doing, and that I didn't want to be like my father, but I didn't know how to be anything different; especially not sober. I managed to get clean, and I know part of the reason I did was b/c of this song. I hope I do it justice. =/ **

"So were you taking more than you should yesterday when I asked you about it or did you just wake up today and decide to start abusing the pills again?" Alice asked angrily. "Can we not discuss this in here?" I asked quietly.

"Oh, sure. Would you rather go in the living room with the whole family because I have no problem with that." Alice snapped. "Alice. It isn't what you're thinking." I lied. "You are such a bad liar, Bella." She scoffed. "Really? Because you believed me yesterday." I snapped angrily. "Why are you doing this?" She asked quietly. I sighed, and shrugged my shoulders. "I feel happier when I take them. I don't feel like running away from everyone screaming over the smallest thing when I take them. But mostly, because I like the way I feel when I take them." I replied. She stared at me for a moment, and then turned and walked away. I followed behind her quickly and watched as she whispered something in Edward's ear. His head snapped up in my direction, and I knew I was done for.

He was mad that much I could tell, but how mad was a different story. Currently he wouldn't even look in my direction so I figured he was pretty mad. He'd get over it the question was how soon would he get over it? Ugh. This was so not how I envisioned this night going. Clearly I'd lost my touch when it came to hiding things from people. A part of me was relieved to know that; I didn't have to worry about being caught again. And, part of me didn't want to get sucked back into the drug scene. But the part of me that liked being high was the part controlling me right now, and that part wasn't very happy. I tried to shake it off and enjoy the rest of my night.

By eleven thirty I knew I was in big trouble. Edward hadn't spoken so much as a word to me since Alice told him what I was up to. Hell, he wouldn't even look at me. This was the worst New Year's Eve party ever, and I had no one to blame but myself. I went back to the kitchen and took three more pills, and then went to say good night to everyone. I wasn't going to wait around all night for Edward to talk to me, or yell or whatever he was planning on doing. I'd finish out the evening in my bedroom, alone and high as hell. I didn't realize Edward had followed me to the bedroom until I heard the door slam behind me. I turned around and the look on his face stole my breath.

"Why?" He asked, looking like he was ready to kill something. "Why not?" I shrugged. If he wanted anger I'd give him anger. "Don't take that tone with me, Bella. I'm not the one who's been sneaking around abusing pain pills again. I ignored it the last time you did it, but I can't ignore it this time. What the hell are you thinking?" He demanded.

"Oh, you think I like this? You think I enjoy having to take pills just to feel normal?" I asked angrily. "Obviously some part of you likes it or you wouldn't be doing it!" He exclaimed. "You're right, Edward. I enjoy taking them because when I take them I don't feel sad anymore. I don't feel the pain of losing everything. If I could feel like that without them then trust me I wouldn't take them." I replied quickly.

"You only had to wait a couple more days and you could talk to Jan! She can help you figure this out!" He yelled. "I don't have a couple more days, Edward! I'm drowning here and I don't know how to fix that! I don't want to start taking Vicoden again, but it's the only way I feel sane!" I yelled back. "I'm right here, Bella! I'm right here trying to help you! I don't know what else to do!" He exclaimed throwing his hands up.

"Nothing! There's nothing you can do, Edward! I don't know how to do this sober! I'm terrified of going back to the way things used to be! Of fighting with you all the time and the physical abuse! I don't want that! I'd rather take the pills and feel nothing than go back to that so just back off!" I snapped.

"Fine. I quit, Bella. I QUIT! You wanna take pills? Take the fucking pills. I don't care anymore!" He yelled. Before I could say anything he walked out, slamming the door as he went. I wiped angrily at the tears that were falling, and climbed into bed. I glanced at the clock and noticed it was twelve oh one. Happy New Year to me. I laid there for a couple hours staring at the walls. I couldn't sleep; I was too worried about what Edward had said, and why he wasn't in bed with me yet. With a heavy sigh I got up and walked out to the living room.

I found Edward sitting on the couch, staring at the television. I shook my head and walked into the kitchen. I filled a glass with water, and took just one pain pill. God knows I wanted more than that, but I had to get this under control. I stood at the counter for an immeasurable amount of time staring at the pill bottle. I _really_ wanted to take at least one more pill. I fought it as long as I could, but eventually gave in and reached for the pills.

"Don't do it, Bella." I jumped and dropped the bottle at the sound of Edward's voice. It broke my heart to hear him sound so lost and broken, and to know that I was the cause for that yet again. "I'm not strong enough for this." I whispered. He walked over and swiped the bottle of pills from the counter. "Then I'll be strong for the both of us." He replied quietly. "I need them, Edward." I replied softly.

"If you continue to take them I'm leaving." He threatened lowly. "_What?_" I blanched. "If you keep taking these pills I am leaving." He repeated slowly. "Be serious, Edward. I need them for my hand." I snapped angrily.

"I called Carlisle tonight. There are non narcotic pain relievers you can take. You don't have to rely on Vicoden to help your hand, and it won't be around to tempt you into taking it for pleasure." He replied quickly. I was trying to process everything he was saying, but my brain was still stuck on the part where he said he was leaving.

"I need them. I'm afraid of what could happen if I don't take them." I repeated quietly. "You also said you're afraid to be alone. So, you have to decide what you need more; me or the pain pills. Because if you keep taking them I'm gone, Bella. I am not going to stick around and watch you do this to yourself all over again. I remember what it was like when you were stuck on pills before. It nearly killed me then, and I am not going to just sit here and let it do the same damn thing to you and to me all over again." He explained quickly.

"You're serious right now? You would really walk out on me?" I asked feeling the anger bubble up inside of me. "I'm dead serious. I'm not going through this with you again. I will not do it." He said confidently. "We've been through worse than this, Edward." I whispered.

"There is nothing worse than a drug addict in my eyes, Bella. You taught me that. Don't you remember how bad it was? Not just when you were high, but when you were going through withdrawals because you're dealer was out? The mood swings, the times you almost got arrested, when you overdosed and almost died? How can you just forget about all of that?" He asked.

"I'd rather deal with all of that than what I'm dealing with right now." I confessed. "What could be so bad that you're willing to go back to that?" Edward asked a pleading look in his eyes. "He came into our home and tried to kill me! He killed our daughter! And all because I allowed him to! I did that to us, and now I have to deal with the aftermath! The panic attacks, the constant fear of being alone, the guilt of surviving when my baby didn't, the sadness, the hurt. I don't feel any of that when I'm high. I'm happy when I'm high! I want to feel like that without the pills, but I don't. I don't know how to get past this, Edward!" I yelled as tears streamed down my face.

"You talk to me! You take it one day at a time! You don't turn to drugs!" He yelled back. I didn't know what to say to that or what to do. I was terrified of losing Edward, but right now I was more terrified of losing the pills. They were what kept me from wanting to hurt myself again, and what was keeping the anger at bay. If I didn't have the pills Edward would be gone before long anyway because we'd be back to fighting all the time. In my eyes I was in an impossible situation. Literally stuck between a rock and a hard place. Edward slammed the pill bottle down on the counter, startling me.

"You pick, Bella. It's me or the pain pills." He demanded and then walked out of the room. I grabbed the bottle, and threw it into the trash can. With a heavy sigh I walked into the bedroom where Edward was packing a bag. My heart froze in my chest.

"What are you doing, Edward?" I whispered. "I learned the last time around that you don't give drug addicts an ultimatum between their drugs and something else. I know what your choice is so I'm gonna get going before it gets any later and my parents are asleep; if they aren't already." He explained quietly.

"I'm not a drug addict, Edward. I made a bad decision, but I just threw them away. Nothing is more important to me than you." I replied quickly. His head shot up, and he stared at me. "You did?" He nearly whispered. "Yes. If you don't trust me, and frankly I wouldn't you can do whatever you want to with them. Hide them or flush them or whatever." I answered. He walked over to me quickly, and hugged me tightly.

"Thank you." He whispered fervently. "I would do anything for you. You should know that by now." I replied hugging him back. "I wasn't sure how far gone you were. Alice didn't know how long you've been taking the pills." He explained. "Since yesterday, but it doesn't really matter when I started. All that matters is I've stopped, and I'm not going to go back to them again. Not if it means losing you. " I replied.

He kissed the top of my head, and walked out of the room. I unpacked the few items he'd put in his bag, and put the bag back in his closet. Then I changed into a pair of shorts, and climbed in bed as Edward was walking back into the room. He stripped down to his boxers and climbed in bed with me.

"I didn't flush them, but they're hidden pretty good. So, just let me know if you need one for your hand and I'll get it for you." He stated. I kissed him lightly, and snuggled closer to him. The thought of losing him hurt like hell, and that made the decision a little easier for me. The next couple of days were probably going to suck until I could call Jan, but I'd give up breathing if it meant having Edward by my side.


	36. Chapter 36

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have (still) is a nicotine addiction I haven't been able to kick. Any tips on how I might be able to do that without taking medicine? I am still in need of some music so please feel free to send me some song ideas. I would love to hear from you all. Thanks for your lovely reviews and adding my story to your alerts! You all give me the encouragement I need to continue writing this story even when it's hard to keep going on a personal level. Song for this chapter-"Believe"-Staind**

"Bella?"

I stood up as Jan called my name, and walked into her office. I plopped down on her couch, and folded my legs underneath me. She sat across from me in her big comfy looking chair, and opened my file. After a couple of minutes she looked up at me with a warm smile.

"It's been awhile. How are you doing?" She asked. I blew out a long breath, and shrugged. "Obviously not great since I'm here. I was trying to get through this on my own." I replied. "You suffered through a tragedy, Bella. There's nothing wrong with needing help to get through that." She said, patting my leg.

"I know, but I was really trying to do it on my own. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, but I can't. I went back to some old methods of self destruction and I'm still struggling with that; so I figured it was better to come here." I explained. "Why don't you tell me about that?" She suggested.

"Well, first I cut myself open a few times, and then I starting abusing pain pills again. I still want to cut myself open, and I still want to use the pills. I can't do either because if I cut I'll be admitted into the nut ward, and if I use the pills Edward will leave me. Oh, and then I beat the shit out of Jacob's car and practically broke my hand." I explained quickly. "He doesn't get that the cutting is a way of releasing the pain, and the pressure inside of me. He doesn't get that the pain pills keep me from getting angry and mean all over again. He doesn't understand that I'm unraveling at the seams." I continued; feeling the anger bubble up inside of me.

"What are you so angry about, Bella?" She asked softly. "You saw me in the hospital. Why do you think I'm angry?" I snapped. "I think you want to believe you're angry with Jacob, but we both know that isn't true. So, why you don't tell me who you're really angry with." She suggested calmly. I wanted to slap that serene expression off her stupid face, but instead I got up and started pacing. The last couple of days have been rough. The anger was back in full force and I was snapping at Edward constantly. How he kept his cool I have no idea, and that just made me angrier.

"I'm mad at Edward." I snapped. "Why is that?" She asked. "Because. He's dealing with this better than I am. He's leaving me to go back to work when he knows I'm afraid to be alone. He doesn't fight back when I need him to. He won't let me take the fucking pills." I rambled. "On a scale of zero to ten, ten being the worst, how angry are you right now?" She asked. "Eleven." I responded quickly. "Okay, I want you to sit down, and take a few deep breaths. Breathe in through your nose, and out through your mouth."

I did as she instructed, and felt an infinitesimal difference. But hey, it was a start right? "Now, how about telling me who you're really mad at?" She asked. I glared up at her, and shook my head. "We both know you aren't really angry with Edward either. So, just think about it for minute and then tell me who it is you're angry with, and why." I knew the answer before she even finished talking, but I didn't want to say it out loud. If I said it out loud, she'd make me see reason and then where would I be? Lost. Still broken. Still hurting. She looked at me expectantly, and I sighed heavily. "Myself alright? I'm mad at myself because I let Jacob into our home that day. I invited him there and let him kill my baby and hurt me. I'm angry because I didn't fight back hard enough. I could've done something more and I just gave up." I explained quietly.

"You didn't let Jacob do anything to you. Yes, you invited him to your apartment because you thought he wanted to explain his previous behavior. There's nothing wrong with that, Bella. I've read the police report, and I have a copy of it right here. You had defensive wounds because you did fight back. You even managed to get your door open and scream for help. If you hadn't done that _you_ would be dead. You did everything in your power to keep him from hurting you worse than he already had. There was nothing more you could have done, Bella." She explained.

"I should've fought harder." I whispered. "He outweighed you by at least a hundred pounds. I'd say you did pretty well for yourself." Jan retorted. "You're going to have to acknowledge that you did everything in your power to protect yourself and your unborn baby, Bella. You have to forgive yourself or the anger will always be there." She continued.

"How do I do that? How do I forgive myself for something I could have prevented?" I asked as tears started falling. "You couldn't have prevented that anymore than I can prevent the rain from falling. If you hadn't of invited him in that day he would found another way to hurt you." She replied handing me a Kleenex. "You don't know that." I sighed. "Yes, I do. You said he told he wanted you dead. That didn't just apply to that day, Bella. If he hadn't gotten to you that day he would have waited for another day to come along. He told the judge that he wouldn't stop until you were dead if he were released. That doesn't sound like a man who was willing to give up." She stated confidently.

"If you want to start healing from this you have to forgive yourself, Bella." She said after a few minutes of silence. "Have you been taking your medication?" She asked when I still didn't say anything. I nodded my head slowly. "Maybe we need to up the dosage. How's your anxiety?" She asked. "Not great, and I expect it will only get worse. Edward went back to work today so when I go home I'll be alone all day. The Ativan isn't helping as much as it should." I replied. "Okay, well let's up the dosage on the Zoloft, and try Xanax twice a day. I want to see you next week to see how it's working for you." She stated handing me a script.

I scheduled my appointment for the following week, and headed to the pharmacy. I felt better the minute I stepped out into the cold. I waited for my medicines to be filled, picking up a few odd necessities for the house, and then made my way home. My chest was tight and my breathing shallower before I even closed the door. I hung up my coat, and put up the things I'd bought. Then I went into the kitchen, and took one of the Xanax. To keep my mind occupied I started cleaning, though it didn't really need it. I dusted everything I could reach, and then grabbed a chair and started cleaning the ceiling fans. I vacuumed the carpeting, and swept and mopped the bathroom and kitchen. Then I grabbed the Windex and paper towels and starting cleaning all the windows and other glass surfaces.

Once I was finished I sat down on the couch, and tried to continue breathing normally. The Xanax was definitely helping, but I was still a little anxious. So, I decided to rearrange the cabinets in the kitchen. I started pulling everything out of the cabinets and a pill bottle fell onto the floor. I bent down to pick it up, and felt a sense of dread when I realized it was the Vicoden Edward had hidden. I took it into the living room, put it on the coffee table and went back to finish my task. An hour later I was finished, and went back into the living room. I sat on the edge of the couch, eyeing the bottle of pills. I reached for the bottle, and then pulled away quickly. I would not give in. I would not give in. I would _not_ give in! I jumped and ran to get my phone to text Alice. I needed somebody here to stop me and who better than that bossy little pixie?

_You busy? I really need somebody here with me.-B_

I sat there staring at the pill bottle, biting my lip until my phone chirped.

_I'm on my way.-A_

I sighed in relief, and sat back against the couch; still eyeing the bottle. I only had to hang on for a few minutes. Alice didn't live that far away. I could do this. I would not give in. I jumped up from the couch and started pacing the floor. I just had to keep my mind busy. I could do that. Right? _Fuck me._ I bit my lip, and kept pacing back and forth. The second I heard her knock I was running to the door. I swung it open, pulled her inside and closed the door.

"Hide them!" I exclaimed, pointing to the table. "How did you find them? You didn't take any did you?" She asked grabbing the bottle quickly. "I was antsy so I started cleaning out the cabinets in the kitchen and they fell out. No of course I didn't take any that's why I texted you." I replied plopping down on the couch. She waddled out of the room, and came back a few minutes later, sitting next to me.

"I'm proud of you, Bella." She said with a smile. "You know how badly I wanted to take about three of those?" I grimaced. "But you didn't. That's the important thing. How was your session with Jan?" She asked.

"It was alright I guess. She upped the dosage on the Zoloft, and put me on Xanax twice a day. I already took one, and it helped for the most part. I think I was kind of working myself up more than necessary though. She says I need to forgive myself in order to really start healing from this whole mess." I explained quickly. "She's right. You'll never get over it if you keep on hating yourself for something you couldn't control." She stated.

"Okay Dr Cullen." I huffed, rolling my eyes. Her tinkering laugh resounded through the apartment and I couldn't help but to smile. "Thanks for coming to my rescue." I said quietly. "Eh, what else am I good for these days? I can't even take you out to a club to go dancing or drinking. Might as well keep you from having any fun at all." She said with a smirk.

"You're pregnant, Alice. You aren't supposed to be at clubs." I replied with a laugh. "Yeah, yeah. The minute I have this baby you better have me a big shot of tequila waiting." She giggled. I laughed loudly and shook my head. "You're such a lush. Wait til I tell everyone." I teased. She laughed again and sighed contentedly.

She stayed for about an hour, and then headed to home to Jasper. I headed into the kitchen to find something to make for dinner, and decided on spaghetti. I took out a big pot, filled it with water and put it on the stove to boil. Then I took out a package of hamburger and put it in the microwave to defrost. Once the water was boiling I added the spaghetti noodles, and turned on the burner to fry the hamburger. Then I went into the fridge and pulled out the ingredients for a Caesar salad. I chopped the romaine lettuce up, added the cheese and fresh ground pepper, and then the dressing. I tossed the salad and put it back in the fridge to stay cold. I was draining the grease off the hamburger when Edward walked into the kitchen and kissed my head.

"Alice called me. I'm proud of you, love." He murmured. "You guys act like I did something heroic." I mumbled draining the noodles in a different strainer. "You fought your addiction. That's something to be proud of, Bella." He replied quickly. I put the noodles back in the pot, added the hamburger meat and sauce and mixed it all together. Edward set the table, and I dished up our plates. I grabbed the salad from the fridge and we sat down to eat.

After dinner we did the dishes together, and took a shower together to conserve water, of course. We made love in the shower, and then again once we were in bed. I could not think of a more perfect way to end a bad day.


	37. Chapter 37

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is bad case of the blues. Days like these make me wanna stay in bed, but I know better than that. These are the kinds of days that make me want to use pills again even though I know it isn't an option. I'm trying to remain strong, and writing helps with that so here we go. Song for this chapter-"Just Might(make me believe)"-Sugarland. (yes another country song)**

I woke up the next morning alone. Edward had left earlier than usual for work to prepare for a teacher's conference they were having; which meant he'd be late coming home as well. I went to the kitchen and took my medicine, including the Xanax. Hopefully today would go better than yesterday had. I made my way back to the bedroom and pulled out some clothes for the day. I really wanted to take a shower, but I was too afraid to take one when I was by myself so that would have to wait. I got dressed and pulled my hair into a ponytail. I gathered up the dirty laundry, and made my way to the laundry room to start a load. That took all of five minutes. _Fuck my life._ What the hell was I supposed to do all damn day?

With a heavy sigh I went to the hall closet and pulled out some cleaning supplies. I went to the bathroom, and started scrubbing the bathtub. Once that was finished I scrubbed the toilet, and then the sink and countertop. I put the cleaning supplies away, and made my way to the music room/office. I straightened up the desk and cleaned out the shredder, and junk drawer. By that time the washer was done so I put the clothes in the dryer, and started another load in the washer. It was barely eleven o'clock. _ ._ I wasn't necessarily panicking, I was just bored. And sad…and lonely. I walked into the living room, and sat on the couch; letting my thoughts drift into unsafe territory.

If I were still pregnant I'd be preparing for her arrival. I'd be setting up the guest bedroom into a nursery, washing all of her clothes and putting them away, setting up the cradle and baby monitor. I liked to be prepared for everything so having a baby wouldn't have been any different. And then once she was born I wouldn't be sitting here by myself bored anymore. She would have kept me busy for most of the day, and when she was sleeping I would have been cleaning or cooking dinner for Edward. How different our lives would have been if I hadn't of let Jacob in that day. No, I didn't really believe that anymore. Like it or not I was starting to believe what Jan had said, and what everyone else had been saying all along.

_It wasn't my fault._ I had no control over what happened that day. I did everything in my power to stop Jacob, and that was all I could do. And they were right; at least I was still alive. I fought like hell to make sure I did survive, and I should be grateful to be. I couldn't save our peanut, but I saved myself. That would have to be enough. It _was_ enough. I laid on the couch and hugged a pillow tightly against my chest and cried. I was alive, and that was all that mattered. I could mourn the loss of our child, and still know that life would go on. We would go on together, and eventually we could try again for another child. I wanted that with Edward more than anything else in the world. The dryer buzzing broke me free of reverie, and I wiped my face dry as I stood up. I switched the clothes over, started another load, and folded the basket full. Once that was done I pulled the left over Caesar salad from the fridge and ate it for my lunch.

After lunch I cleaned my dishes, and then went to sit on the couch again. I was still lonely. I needed Edward. I never felt complete unless he was with me. He was my everything, and I needed him now. I didn't feel as broken, or afraid, or alone when he was here. He made me feel safe, protected, and loved. One look from him and I knew we could conquer the world together. Better still, I knew we'd be alright. And that was all I was asking for right now. Just to know that everything would be okay. I shook my head to clear my thoughts, and finished my afternoon doing laundry and watching lifetime movies. I must have dozed off because the next thing I was aware of Edward was kissing my head.

I got up with a yawn, and hugged him tightly. I had survived a full day alone. "I'm sorry I fell asleep. Dinner will late tonight." I stated walking towards the kitchen. "I brought Chinese home actually. It sounded really good tonight." He replied. I smiled and rolled my eyes. I pulled our food from the bags, and we sat at the kitchen table.

"How was your conference?" I asked between bites. "Same old bullshit. They're talking about cutting the music program again because of budgeting. They always threaten to do that, but so far it hasn't happened so I'm not too worried about it." He explained. "What would happen if they did cut the program?" I asked.

"Well, I'd be out of a job, but there are other schools with music programs I could go to. We might have to move though if that happened." He replied. "That wouldn't be so bad." I shrugged. "Even if it meant moving out of state?" He retorted. I thought that one over for a minute, and then shrugged again. "I wouldn't mind honestly. I'd still have you." I stated.

He smiled and took another bite of his beef lo Mein. "I'd find another job before I moved you away from all our friends and family. That wouldn't be very fair to you, love. Not that it matters anyway; they aren't going to cut the program." He said confidently.

We ate in silence for a few minutes before I got brave, and decided to tell him what I was thinking about today. I swallowed my food, and looked up at him. "What if we went to the courthouse and got married Friday?" I blurted out. He stopped mid chew, and stared at me doe eyed.

"Want to run that by me one more time?" He finally asked. I took a deep breath, and eyed him carefully. "I've been thinking about this for the past few days, and especially today. I love you and I want to be with you forever, but I don't want a big wedding. I don't even really want a wedding. So, I just thought what's the point in putting off the inevitable? I want to be married to you as soon as possible, and I figured tomorrow was out of the question so I thought why not Friday? I mean, that gives you a couple days to get a substitute teacher and we could have a three day weekend together, and take a real honeymoon over the summer." I explained quickly.

"You're serious?" He asked setting his fork down. I smiled nervously, and nodded. He sat there staring at me for an immeasurable amount of time, and I thought for sure he wouldn't go for it. But then he looked up at me and smiled widely. "Okay. I'll make the arrangements for school tomorrow. What are we going to do about witnesses?" He asked. I sighed in relief and clapped my hands excitedly. "I thought we could ask Esme and Carlisle to go with us, and keep it a secret. And then we could invite everyone else over Friday evening and tell them." I explained.

"You've really given this some thought haven't you?" He laughed. "Oh you have no idea." I muttered. "I thought you wanted to wait and take things slowly?" He asked softly. "I did, and then the whole Jacob thing happened, and that sort of opened my eyes. I mean, we aren't guaranteed a tomorrow, Edward. I don't want to have any regrets in life, and if I don't marry you as soon as possible I may regret it later on. Besides, we're practically married anyway why not go ahead and make it official?" I explained.

"You aren't doing this because you're afraid are you?" He whispered. "No!" I practically shouted. "I just don't want to put things off anymore. We've done enough of that already." I continued. "Okay. In that case I can't wait until Friday." He said with a smile.

The next couple of days went by in a flash, and before I knew it Friday had arrived. I woke up bright and early, excited for what lay ahead of us. I took a quick shower, and put on some light makeup. I curled my hair and left it to hang around my face. I wore a white knee length dress with three quarter sleeves, and the zebra pumps Alice loved so much. Edward wore a pair of black slacks, and a white button up shirt. We'd gone ring shopping the day before and purchased a white gold wedding band for him so I grabbed that and put it in my purse. Carlisle and Esme met us at the courthouse, and we went in.

An hour later we walked out, marriage certificate in hand. We had done it! We were married! I could barely contain my excitement. Carlisle and Esme took us out to lunch in Port Angeles, and then came back to our house. Once inside I followed Edward to the kitchen to grab a bottle of wine, and some wine glasses. Before I could walk back into the living room Edward grabbed me around the waist, and kissed me passionately.

"I love you, Mrs. Cullen." He murmured in my ear. "I love you husband." I replied with a smile. We walked into the living room together, and I sat on the couch with Esme while Edward sat on the floor beside me. He opened the wine bottle, and poured us all a glass.

"Here's to the newly weds. May your lives be filled with blessings and happiness throughout the years. Congratulations to you both!" Carlisle stated raising his glass. We all raised our glasses in a toast, and then took a drink of our wine. "I can't believe you two are finally married!" Esme squealed in excitement.

"I can't believe it either." Edward said with a smile. "After everything that's happened these past few months I'm so happy to have something good to celebrate." Esme stated with a warm smile. "What made you change your mind, Bella?" Carlisle asked.

"Well, like I was telling Edward last night we aren't guaranteed a tomorrow. The whole thing with Jacob made me realize that, and I agree with Esme. We needed something good in our lives. And I just got tired of waiting. We love each other so why wait any longer when we both knew it was what we wanted." I explained. Esme hugged me tightly, and kissed my cheek. A little while later I excused myself, and went into the bedroom. I pulled out the picture frame I'd bought for our marriage license, and walked back into the living room. Edward helped me get it into the frame, and then I set it on the table. The plan was to hang it up in the living room tonight after everyone saw it.

We sat and talked for awhile before there was a knock at the door. My stomach felt like there were a million butterflies flying around inside as I walked over to answer the door. I smiled widely when I saw Emmett, Rosalie, Alice and Jasper standing there. I let them in and went into the kitchen to grab some more wine glasses and a bottle of water for Alice. I walked back into the living room, and handed everyone a glass, and Alice her water. She looked so confused bless her heart.

"What are we celebrating?" She asked taking a drink. Edward stood up beside me, and squeezed my hand in a comforting gesture. "We have some good news." I said with a smile. And then Rosalie screamed and bent down to pick up the framed license.

"No fucking way! Is this…it is! Oh my god! Congratulations!" She screeched running over to hug us both. "What is going on?" Alice demanded, grabbing the frame from Rosalie. "We got married today!" I exclaimed.

"Shut the front door! You did what?" Alice screeched waddling over to me. She pulled mine and Edward's hands up to her face. "Oh my god! I can't believe you guys got married without me!" She exclaimed staring at our new wedding bands. "Are you mad?" I asked her, biting my lip. "What? No! I mean, I'm a little upset that I don't get to plan a wedding now, but you have to renew your vows eventually anyway so that's no problem. I can't believe you guys got married today! Congratulations!" She exclaimed clapping her hands together. I hugged her tightly, thankful that she wasn't upset.

"Oh, we are so going out tomorrow night!" Emmett boomed. "Yes! Absolutely!" Jasper agreed excitedly. I laughed and shook my head. "Guys, Alice is pregnant. She doesn't want to in a club surrounded by drunken idiots if she can't be drunk with them." I stated still laughing.

"Oh, don't you worry about me. I'll be fine for one night, Bella. We have to go out and celebrate properly!" Alice exclaimed quickly. "Yes ma'am!" I declared giving her a three finger salute. She laughed and waddled over to the couch to sit down.

We sat and talked for hours. Laughing and celebrating our marriage into the late night. It was wonderful to be surrounded by my family, and I was soaking it up. I was starting to feel lighter inside than I had in months, and I knew that was partially because of my family, and also because I no longer blamed myself for what had happened with Jacob. I still had a long ways to go, but I was getting there slowly, and that's all that mattered.


	38. Chapter 38

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have are two worn out babies! We had a very long day today, and a very late night. We tucked them in and hopefully they sleep in tomorrow! We took them to see the drag races today, and my three year old has informed me that she wants to drive a race care when she gets older. Isn't that just swell? (Please note the sarcasm) Song for this chapter-"Dog days are over"-Florence and the Machine. **

I woke up pretty early Saturday morning, and decided to go for a run. I changed into some work out clothes, left Edward a note and headed out. The cold air felt great against my skin, and I ended up running four miles. I was feeling so energized I probably could have run more, but I didn't want to push my body past its limits. Edward was still asleep when I got back so I took a quick shower, and decided to make breakfast. I started a pot of coffee, and mixed up some pancake batter adding fresh blueberries to it. I munched on the blueberries while I made the pancakes, and when the coffee was ready I poured myself a big cup of it, adding my goodies.

I set the table, and plated up pancakes for both of us and then went to wake Edward up. He looked so peaceful I almost felt bad for disturbing him. Almost. I ran and jumped on the bed, and started shaking him roughly. He groaned loudly and tried to hit me with his pillow, but I managed to dodge out of the way. I laughed, and shook him again.

"Isabella Marie Swan. If you know what's good for you you'll stop." He grumbled. "I'm sorry there's no one here by that name." I smarted shaking him again. He popped his head, and stared at me with a goofy grin on his face. "Oh, that's right. We're married now." He said throwing an around my waist and pulling me to me. He started tickling me with his other hand and I was laughing so hard I had tears coming out of my eyes.

"Uncle! Uncle!" I cried out in between fits of laughter. He chuckled and continued to tickle me. "Stop! I said uncle! I give up! You win!" I exclaimed. My sides were starting hurt from laughing so hard, but it felt good to be laughing. "I made blueberry pancakes." I stated, knowing that would get it him to stop. And it worked like a charm. He stopped tickling me immediately, and eyed me suspiciously.

"You better not be lying Mrs. Cullen." He threatened. I grinned up at him and shook my head. "I even used fresh blueberries." I coaxed. He jumped out of bed and made a beeline for the kitchen. I followed behind him with a smile on my face. He was already seated at the table, pouring syrup on his pancakes when I came in and sat across from him.

"To what do I owe this pleasure?" He asked with a mouthful of pancakes. I shrugged. "I just felt like being nice today." I joked. He chuckled and shook his head at me. We finished our breakfast, and I cleaned up the kitchen while Edward went to take a shower. Once I was finished in there I went into the bedroom and stripped our bed down; putting the sheets and pillow cases into the washer. I sat down on the couch, and turned the television on more for noise than anything else.

"I have some tests I need to grade before Monday so I'm going to go knock those out real quick." Edward said as he came into the living room. "Okay. Don't forget we're going out tonight." I reminded him. He smiled. "Yes dear. Anything else?" He asked sarcastically. "You're asking for it Cullen." I warned playfully. He laughed and walked towards the office. I turned the channel to a good music channel, and grabbed a book to read. Thirty minutes later I was still on the first page. I loved to read when I was in the mood for it, but obviously today wasn't one of those days. I went to put our sheets in the dryer, and put our blankets in the washer and then walked back into the living room. I was bored. I decided to paint my toes a new color, and went into the bathroom to fetch the nail polish.

I looked through the bag at least five different times, and finally decided on neon orange. I loved bright colors; it didn't matter that no one would see my toes. Besides I was in a good mood today so I wanted to keep things nice and bright. I grabbed the finger nail polish remover, and removed the old polish off my toes and then started painting away. That took all of about ten minutes. _Ugh._ I walked into the bedroom to pick an outfit for tonight. I looked through every piece of clothing I owned, and finally decided on a pair of low rise blue jeans, and a black spaghetti strap top. Though it was freezing outside inside the club was bound to be hot with all those people; besides that's what coats were for.

I heard the dryer buzz so I went and pulled the sheets out, put the blankets in there, and went to make our bed. I yawned loudly, and glanced at the clock. It was barely after eleven. _Fuck me._ I made my way into the office, and poked my head in. "I'm going to lay down for a bit. When the dryer buzzes will you please pull the blankets out and put them on the bed?" I asked with a big cheesy grin. "Yes dear. He replied with a laugh. I went back into the living room, and lay down on the couch pulling a throw blanket on top of me. It didn't take long before I was dozing off. Getting up at six in the morning after not going to bed until after two am probably wasn't the brightest idea I'd ever had, but taking a nap definitely was.

I woke up around five o'clock feeling very refreshed. Edward was passed out on the chair in awkward angle. I folded up the blanket and set it on the back of the couch, and then walked into the kitchen. I pulled some hamburger and put in the microwave to defrost. We were supposed to go out tonight, but I hated eating at the clubs we went to so a home cooked meal it was. I pulled out a big pot, filled it with water, and put it on the stove to boil. I chopped up some romaine lettuce, and mixed up a Caesar salad, fried the hamburger and boiled the noodles. I mixed the sauce with noodles and hamburger, put it all on the table and went to wake Edward up.

We ate dinner quickly, and I cleaned up the kitchen while he went to take a shower. Once I was finished I headed into the bedroom and got dressed. As soon as Edward was finished in the bathroom I went in to apply some make up and curl my hair. I put a pony tail holder around my wrist just in case, and slipped on my black ballet flats. Ten minutes later we walked out the door and headed to Port Angeles. Once there Edward let me out at the door, and he went to park the car. He met me inside the door, and we headed deeper into the club to find our group.

"Hey! Finally! Jeez, why are you guys always the last ones to show up?" Alice greeted hugging us both with one arm. "So sorry to have kept you waiting. How much have you had to drink already?" I asked with a smirk. She smiled widely. "A few. Let's go order some shots!" She exclaimed clapping her hands together excitedly. Before I could protest she grabbed my hand and pulled me along behind her to the bar. She ordered three rounds of shots and some margaritas for us girls as well, and I helped her carry the trays back to the table.

"Let's make a toast!" Rosalie suggested holding up a shot glass. We each grabbed a shot, and held them up in the air. "To the newlyweds! May your lives be filled with happiness, and love, and lots of babies!" Emmett boomed. "Cheers!" We all shouted, clinking our glasses together. I did four more shots, and started drinking a margarita. An hour later I was having a good time, and starting to feel the buzz from the alcohol. I'd lost count of the number of shots I'd done, but I was on my fourth margarita. We were just sitting there talking and laughing, having a good time. This was the most relaxed I'd felt in a long time, and I was grateful to my friends for suggesting we go out.

"I want to dance! Come on, Bella! Let's go dance!" Rosalie slurred. She grabbed my hand and pulled me along onto the dance floor. We started swaying along to the music, and before long Alice joined us. We shimmied and shook, dancing along with every song the DJ played. Eventually we headed back to the table for some more drinks. We did some more shots, and I grabbed another margarita.

"I think we should be heading home soon, love. It's getting pretty late, and you're driving me crazy dancing like that." Edward murmured in my ear. "Aw, come on. Just a little longer please? I'm having so much fun." I pleaded, giving my best pouty face.

"Don't make her leave yet! Come on, Eddie! We're celebrating your wedding here!" Alice exclaimed jutting out her bottom lip. "It's after two in the morning!" Edward argued. "The club doesn't close until four." Rosalie pointed out with a smirk.

"Pleeeeaaaaassseeee." The three of us girls pleaded at once. Edward chuckled and shook his head. "Fine. We'll stay a little while longer, but we aren't staying until four." He declared. "Yay!" I squealed kissing him lightly on the lips. I did three more shots, and finished another margarita, and then me and the girls went back out to the dance floor.

We did end up staying until the club closed, and then everyone came back to our place where we drank some more. We didn't go to bed until well after six in the morning, but it was well worth it to me. I had the time of my life celebrating with our family. For the first time in a very long time I felt like I could breathe again, and that in it self was worth celebrating.

**A/N: I'm going out of town in a couple of days so this might be the last update until I return next week. I'm going to try to get one more chapter in before I leave, but I'm not promising anything. Hope you enjoyed it! Please leave me some love while I'm gone! **


	39. Chapter 39

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is a father who thinks I need to go to an NA meeting, and a bunch of family drama I'd rather not be involved in. Just goes to prove that life is messy! Here is another chapter for you lovely readers out there! Please leave me some love! Song for this chapter-"Sober"-Kelly Clarkson. (Good song just saying) **

I woke up groaning around four o'clock in the afternoon. My head hurt, my body hurt, and I felt like I might throw up at any given second. _Fuck my life._ Why did I drink so much last night? I made my way to the bathroom, and the first thing I did was down some Tylenol. I went through my morning routine ever so slowly, and put my hair up in a bun. I walked out to the living room where everyone else was just waking up as well. I went to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee, and then went back into the living room. I sat down on the couch next to Alice and laid my head against the back of the couch.

"I'm too old for this shit." Emmett mumbled, rubbing his head.

"You and me both, brother." Jasper said with a yawn.

"Oh, come on you guys. We had fun last night!" Alice exclaimed in her usual chipper tone. "Oh my god, Alice. Could ya tone it down a notch?" Rosalie grumbled holding her head.

"I smell coffee." Emmett stated standing up. I chuckled and got up to follow him into the kitchen. "What no morning work out today, Em?" I asked jokingly. "Yeah right." He snorted pouring a cup of coffee and handing it to me. I thanked him and added my goodies to it before taking a cautious sip.

"We slept for ten hours and I still feel like I got hit by a bus." He mumbled. "I'm right there with you buddy." I replied taking another sip of my coffee. I took my coffee back into the living room, and sat back down next to Alice. A few minutes later Edward came walking through the front door, grocery bags in hand. Jasper and Emmett came to take a few from him and carried them into the kitchen.

"The weatherman is calling for another snowstorm. It's already snowing, but it's supposed to get much worse in a couple of hours. You're all more than welcome to stay here, but if I were you I'd head home to get some clothes before it gets any worse out there." Edward called from the kitchen.

"Well, I guess we better get going." Jasper said to Alice. "Yeah, but if we're going to be snowed in anyways why not come back here? It'd be more fun to have all of us together again." She replied with a smile.

"I agree with Alice. We should all be together." Rosalie stated. "I'm fine with that Rosie, let's go home and get some clothes." Emmett suggested. "Or, you and Jasper could carpool and go to both places while Rosalie and I stay here." Alice countered.

"Or we could do that." Jasper said with a smile. I wondered yet again why they weren't married yet. They were so in love with each other, so ready to do anything for one another, yet they weren't married. It just seemed so odd to me, then again a lot of things seemed odd to me. It was still worth asking so I put it on a shelf for later review. Like when the boys left; which they did within a few minutes. Edward even tagged along with them. Well, there was no time like the present.

"Hey Alice, why haven't you and Jasper gotten married yet?" I asked. "Yeah, what gives? You've been engaged for over two years now." Rosalie added. Alice sighed heavily, and shifted in her seat.

"I'm not ready to be tied down yet." She answered quickly. Rosalie and I exchanged a look. "Sweetie, you're six months pregnant, engaged, and living with the man you love. You're pretty much as tied down as you can get." I said gently.

"I know that, but Jasper still has his apartment. On the rare occasion that we fight sometimes he goes over there for the night. I like having that option. And just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean we still couldn't split up down the road. We'd still be in each other's lives, but we wouldn't be tied to each other forever." She explained.

"Yes, you would be. Do you honestly think you'll ever want to be with anyone but Jasper?" Rosalie asked quietly. "No." Alice admitted. "I'm not trying to push you in either direction, I was just curious. You were so excited to be engaged and start planning your wedding, and then you just stopped. That's very unlike you, Alice. Nothing will change between you and Jasper you know. It's just a piece of paper." I stated.

"How would you know? You've only been married a couple of days. How do you know you won't change your mind down the road?" Alice asked softly. "I just do." I shrugged. "I love Edward, and the thought of living without him is unbearable to me. I know nothing could ever change that." I continued.

"I feel the same way about Jasper, but what if he changes his mind later on? I don't think I could make it through that." She whispered.

"What did you guys just talk about? He told you he was in it for the long haul, and I don't think Jasper is the kind of guy to take that lightly. He wouldn't have proposed to you if he wasn't positive you were it for him. You have to trust him." Rosalie stated confidently.

"Have you tried talking to Jasper about how you're feeling? I mean, we can tell you this stuff until we're blue in the face, but it isn't going to matter unless you hear it from him. You should talk to him about it." I suggested. Alice sighed heavily, but nodded in agreement. "I'm just afraid he's going to get tired of my mood swings and insecurities." She admitted.

"Alice, you're pregnant. You're going to have mood swings, and what girl isn't insecure sometimes? Jasper is not going to get tired of anything. He'll understand that you need a little reassurance." Rose explained.

"You're right. I know you're right. I'm being silly." Alice said with a small smile. "You aren't being silly. You have a right to be worried about this. Hell, I questioned Edward the night he proposed to me. We all have those insecurities; the point is to talk about them and work through them." I stated.

Before Alice could respond to that the boys came barreling in loaded down with bags. "Where should we put all this?" Jasper asked. "You and Alice can have the guest bedroom. Emmett and I will sleep out here." Rosalie stated.

"No, that's alright. You and Alice can share the bedroom. I'll sleep out here with Emmett." Jasper countered. "Nope. Not going to happen, Jas. You two take the bedroom. I'm fine out here with my honey." Rosalie argued.

"You might as well hang it up Jasper. You won't win this argument." I stated before he could respond. Normally I would have agreed with Jasper, but I knew why Rose wanted him to stay in the room with Alice. She really needed to talk to him about her feelings and this way she would at least have the opportunity. Jasper carried their bags into the bedroom, and Emmett laid his and Rosalie's bags beside the couch. I got up and walked into the kitchen with Edward.

"How's the weather?" I asked as I started putting away the groceries he'd just brought in. "It's getting worse. That's why I went back to the market. I wanted to make sure we were stocked up for the next few days just incase." He replied. "Smart thinking husband." I quipped. He smiled and leaned over to give me a kiss. "I aim to please Mrs. Cullen." He said with a grin. "I got the stuff to make chili." He hinted.

"I take it you want chili tonight huh?" I asked with a laugh. "I thought maybe we could have chili, and I'd start a fire. It'd be the first time this winter that we used the fireplace." He explained.

"Ooh, now you're talking. I'll get started on the chili." I replied with a smirk. I started frying the hamburger, and chopped up some tomatoes as well. Edward opened up the cans of chili beans and the chili seasoning packets and then went to start a fire. I chopped up some banana peppers and threw everything into a large pot. I added a splash of hot sauce, and mixed everything up. I turned the stove on high heat, and put a lid on the pot. Once it started boiling I'd turn it on low and let it simmer for awhile. It would be ready in about an hour.

"Anybody want some wine?" I called out. "Yes, please!" Rosalie called back. "Me, too!" Alice chimed in. "You can't have wine!" I yelled back. "I can have a glass of wine! Ask Carlisle!" Alice exclaimed. I picked up my phone to text Carlisle.

_Can Alice have a glass of wine?-B_

_She is allowed one glass of red wine. It won't hurt the baby.-C_

Well, how about that? I pulled out a bottle of red wine, and opened it up, pouring three glasses. I walked slowly out to the living room, and handed each of the girls a glass. Alice immediately took a long drink. I sat down shaking my head the whole time. It felt wrong giving wine to a pregnant woman, but I knew Carlisle wouldn't steer me wrong. And then something dawned on me.

"Mary Alice Cullen! You drank a shot last night!" I accused pointing a finger at her. She grinned sheepishly. "We were toasting to your marriage! One shot isn't going to hurt the baby. It's excessive drinking that hurts the baby." She said waving a hand through the air. I glared at her. "I should take that wine away from you. You already had your drink missy." I said with a huff.

Her tinkling laughter filled the apartment. "You worry too much, Bella. Everything is fine trust me." She said attempting to reassure me. It didn't work, but I left it alone. I wasn't the one carrying the baby so it wasn't my concern. Didn't mean I had to like the choices she made though.

An hour and a half later the chili was ready so we all grabbed a bowl, and ate around the fireplace. Edward and I cleaned up the kitchen, and then we all sat around talking and sharing stories of the last several years we've spent together.

"Do you remember when Alice brought Bella home for the first time? How strung out and gangly she was?" Rosalie asked with a smile.

"Yes! And how determined Alice and Edward were to save her? Oh my gosh I thought for sure it was a lost cause. Bella, you fought with everything you had to not go to rehab. Do you remember that?" Jasper asked with a smile.

I blushed and nodded because I did remember that, and I remember what made me go in the end. "Why did you finally give in?" Rose inquired. "Edward convinced me." I said shortly. "Ooh no you don't! Now I really want to know! What did he do?" Alice demanded. I took a long sip of my wine, and sighed heavily.

"Well, you all know I was enthralled with him. And, he came up to me one night and said he was in love me, but that he couldn't be with a drug addict. So, the next day I told Alice to take me to rehab." I explained quickly.

"That's why you visited her so much while she was away?" Jasper asked. "Yep. Our first date was in the cafeteria of the rehab center she was at." Edward replied with a grin.

"And here I thought I had finally gotten through to you, but all this time it was my brother and his wooing." Alice joked. "Sorry, Alice." I laughed. "S'okay. How are you doing now? Have you felt the urge to take any Vicoden?" She asked.

"Actually I haven't taken any in a few days. Edward has them hidden somewhere incase I need it for my hand, but I haven't needed any, and the urge to take them just because is gone. You can thank your brother for that one, too." I said gratitude in my voice.

"How'd he do it this time?" Rose asked with a smile. "Basically the same way as the first time around. I told her I wouldn't stick around if she kept taking them. I told her once I couldn't be with a drug addict, I meant it then, and I meant this time, too." Edward replied.

"That was a pretty big risk." Alice said quietly. Edward and I both shrugged. "He's worth it to me." I replied squeezing Edward's hand.

"I don't know about the rest of you, but I am wiped out." Emmett stated with a yawn. His yawn started a chain reaction and one by one the rest of us yawned as well. Alice and Jasper said their good nights and went into the guest bedroom. Edward and I took the cushions off the couch, and pulled out the fold away bed. I went and got some blankets and pillows from the closest and brought them out to the living room.

"Would have been nice to know the couch pulled out into a bed last night." Rosalie joked. "Sorry. We were a little drunk last night. Wasn't really thinking about it." I said with a laugh. We said our goodnights as well, and went to bed.

**A/N: There you go! One last chapter before I go out of town. I'll be gone until Saturday evening so I should have something up soon after that. Leave me some love! **


	40. Chapter 40

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is an aching body from a five hour car ride. It is SO good to be home though! Song for this chapter-"Alright"-Darius Rucker (country yet again.) Fun fact about Mr. Rucker-he was the lead singer for Hootie and the Blowfish. =] **

Edward woke me up around eleven the next morning. I was still pretty tired, but I figured I couldn't sleep all day no matter how good that sounded. I went through my morning routine quickly, and made my way into the living room where everyone else was chattering loudly. I sat down on the couch and yawned loudly.

"Good morning sleeping beauty." Alice greeted cheerfully. I mumbled a hi, and leaned my head back against the couch, closing my eyes. I was really tired, and my stomach was queasy. I hoped I wasn't getting sick again. I so did not need that.

"Here, love." Edward said, handing me a cup of coffee. "Thank you." I said quietly holding the mug with both hands.

"Bella, what are we going to do today? You don't have a yard so a snowball fight is out of the question unfortunately. Entertain us." Emmett boomed.

"You're almost thirty years old, Emmett. You don't need me to entertain you. Find something to do. Watch T.V, play on the internet, whatever." I grumbled taking a sip of my coffee. It tasted foul and I quickly spit it back into the cup.

"Did somebody forget to take their happy pill this morning?" Jasper joked. I flipped him off as I got up to go dump my coffee down the kitchen sink. I grabbed a glass from the cabinet, and filled it with ice and then water. I took my medicine while I was in there, and then walked slowly back into the living room.

"Seriously, Bella. What are we going to do today?" Emmett asked with a grin on his face. "You obviously have something on your mind so what is it already?" I snapped. "I'm glad you asked, Bella. The gang and I have been talking the last few days, and we think it's time to remodel your apartment." He stated.

"You what?" I deadpanned.

"Okay, look Bella. All of your walls are white. _White._ You don't even have any pictures up, and you've lived in this apartment for a long time. It's time we do something about that." Alice chimed in excitedly.

"Excuse me, but all of the walls aren't white. My bathroom has one light green wall." I said defensively. "That's because the theme in your bathroom is frogs, but Bella, not everyone goes into your bathroom. You need color in every room not just one." Rosalie stated.

"Okay, fine I agree with you. The apartment could use some color, but we can't do anything about that today. We're snowed in remember?" I asked smartly. They all grinned at me, and I'll admit I was a little afraid of those grins.

"Well, about that…we already have the paint downstairs." Rosalie said unashamed.

"You're joking, right?" I demanded. They all shook their heads no at me. "Oh, come on! Seriously? How long have you guys been planning this little remodel?" I asked.

"Awhile." Alice stated. "We bought the paint a couple weeks ago, but we've all been busy with work. But now we have at least two days completely free thanks to Mother Nature so go get dressed into something you don't mind getting paint on!" She demanded excitedly.

Emmett and Jasper got up and left the apartment, to get the paint I assumed. Rosalie and Alice starting moving furniture as Edward came in two big painters' blankets. With a heavy sigh I got up and made my way into the bedroom to change into some old clothes. It's not that I didn't appreciate what they were doing for us; I just wasn't feeling the greatest to be doing all of this crap. I went in my closet and found an old t-shirt and pair of shorts and quickly changed into them. I pulled my hair into a bun, and walked back out to the living room.

"So what colors did you pick out for us?" I asked with a small smile. Even though I was feeling sick I was still excited about the changes we would be making to the apartment. I'd wanted to paint for a while now, but I didn't have the first clue about what colors to choose.

"We got an ocean blue for the living room, but we won't paint all of the walls. Just an accent wall where we'll be hanging the pictures. The kitchen is going to be like a cherry blossom color, and we got a sunflower yellow for the laundry room. We wanted nice bright cheerful colors." Alice explained excitedly.

"Edward did you talk to our landlord about this?" I asked. "Of course, love. He has no problem with us painting or hanging anything on the walls." Edward replied with a smile. "Well, let's get started." I said with all the enthusiasm I could muster.

The girls and I started in the living room, Jasper and Edward went to the laundry room, and Emmett started in the kitchen. I loved the blue we were painting the living room so much we decided to paint two walls with it, and leave one wall white. Within a few hours all the painting was done, and we took a break for lunch. After lunch the girls and I started going through pictures to decide which to use for display throughout the house.

"Oh, we should use this one in the living room!" Rosalie exclaimed pointing to a close up of Edward and me. We were looking at each other, big smiles on our faces, noses touching. It was a favorite of mine for sure.

"That was taken last year at that big barbecue we had at Esme and Carlisle's." I explained holding the picture in my hands. "Oh yeah! I remember that. God that was a blast. We need to have another one of those." Alice stated with a smile. She picked up another picture of the six of us from Christmas, and smiled brightly.

"Definitely this one for the living room, too." She said showing me and Rosalie the picture. "I have this one hanging in our living room, too." Rosalie said with a smile of her own.

"This is such a good picture of all of us. Look how happy we all look, even you Bella considering what was going on." Alice said.

"You guys gave us a great present, and we were with our family. Why wouldn't I look happy? I was having the best time." I explained quickly. "And what about now?" Rosalie asked softly. I smiled at her and shrugged. "I'm doing okay. I'm a lot happier than I was even a couple of weeks ago, and its getting better every day. I miss being pregnant, but I know we can try again when we're ready. I have a lot to be thankful for, and the last few days that's really been resonating in my head." I explained.

"Glad to hear it." Alice stated hugging me with one arm. We got back to business picking out more pictures for the living room and then started putting them in the frames Alice had brought with her. Once we were done with that we started arranging them on the walls. Once we had it the way we wanted it, we moved the furniture back, and sat down to relax.

"I'm starving! What are we going to do for dinner tonight?" Emmett asked with a grin.

"Ooh is there enough chili to have it again tonight? That was so good." Rosalie asked rubbing her stomach. "There's plenty of chili to eat for tonight if that's what everybody wants." Edward stated. Everyone nodded in agreement and I went to help Edward reheat our food. We all sat in the living room to eat, talking and laughing with each other. After dinner Alice and Rosalie helped me clean the kitchen up and do the dishes, and then we went back into the living room.

I had to admit, the place looked amazing with the new paint, and the pictures on the walls. It definitely felt more like home, and it was cozier, too. I meant what I had said to Rose and Alice earlier this evening; I had a lot to be thankful for. I had the best husband a girl could ask for, a wonderful place to live, and the best friends who were also the best family anyone could hope to have. I went to bed that night feeling like the luckiest girl in the world.


	41. Chapter 41

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is the need for a new A/C! Good thing it's not supposed to be too hot the next couple of days! Thanks again for the reviews, and for adding my story to your alerts. I LOVE hearing from you guys so please continue to leave me the love! =] No song for this chapter. Couldn't find one I liked enough. **

I woke up the next morning, and ran to the bathroom. I barely made it to the toilet before I was throwing up. Not the way I wanted to start the day. Once I was sure I wouldn't throw up again I got up slowly, and brushed my teeth. When I was finished with that I walked back the bedroom and crawled back under the covers. I didn't really feel sick; just tired and my stomach was super queasy. Hopefully that meant I had just eaten something that didn't agree with me.

"Are you okay, love?" Edward mumbled sleepily. "I feel like I just threw up my guts." I replied. I cuddled up next to him, and he put his arm around me. "Well, from the sounds of it you did." He chuckled.

"Oh, sure. Laugh at my misery. Kick me when I'm down." I pouted. He chuckled again, and held me tighter in his arms. "Let's get a few more hours of sleep; maybe that would help you're stomach." He mumbled sleepily.

I tried going back to sleep, but every time I got comfortable my stomach would flip flop and I'd have to run to the bathroom again. By the fourth trip I gave up on sleeping all together, and padded out to the living room. Emmett and Alice were sitting on the floor playing a card game while Rosalie slept on the fold out bed.

"Heard you throwing up in there. You couldn't have been any quieter?" Emmett teased. I flipped him off, and sat down next to Alice. "Are you okay, Bella?" Alice asked concern in her tone.

"I don't know. I must've eaten something that didn't agree with me. I wasn't feeling good yesterday and then I woke this morning throwing up, but I don't really feel sick. My stomach is just messed up." I explained.

"Weird. At least it isn't the flu this time." Emmett stated.

"Have you had your period this month?" Alice inquired nonchalantly. "Alice!" I groaned covering my face with my hands. "What? I'm just asking because I've heard that some girls get a queasy stomach and have even thrown up before they get their periods. Maybe that's what's going on with you." She explained.

"Or, maybe you're pregnant." Rosalie quipped. "Morning babe! Did we wake you?" Emmett asked jumping to give Rosalie a kiss. "No, actually Bella's retching woke me up I've been trying to go back to sleep ever since." Rose replied.

"Rose brings up a valid point. Maybe you are pregnant." Alice said with a gleam in her eye. "I think you should buy a test. You might need it; just a feeling." She shrugged. Again I put my head in my hands. "I am not pregnant. It's just a bug. Can we drop it please?" I asked with a sigh.

"You know you shouldn't bet against Alice. If she says you need a pregnancy test than I'd invest in one. She's rarely ever wrong." Emmett teased with a grin.

"Oh my god! Would you stop? I'm not pregnant!" I exclaimed with a laugh. "Okay okay. We can settle this real fast. What's the date today?" Rosalie asked with a smile.

"Then tenth." Alice answered quickly. My heart dropped to my feet. "No way. It's the tenth?" I asked quietly. "Yes ma'am. When do you start your period?" Alice asked. I cleared my throat, and then tried to swallow the lump in my throat. "Seven days ago." I whispered.

"Oh shit!" Emmett exclaimed with a grin. I stood up quickly, and started pacing the floor. "Why? _Why_ did you have to put that idea into my head? Now what am I supposed to do for the next however many days until I can actually leave the apartment to go buy a fucking test? I hate you! I hate all of you! You're mean, evil little people!" I exclaimed, only half joking.

"Calm down, Bella. Sheesh! Emmett and I caught the weather report and the snowplows have already been out clearing the roads so you should be able to go whenever you want to." Alice said with a smile on her face. I stopped pacing and glared at her. "I'm glad you find this so amusing!" I exclaimed stomping out of the room.

I swiftly changed into some warmer clothes, grabbed a pair of sock and my tennis shoes and practically ran back out to the living room. I plopped down on the fold out bed and put my socks on. I was putting my second shoe on when a wave of nausea had me running to the bathroom again. Once I was sure I was finished I brushed my teeth again, and made my way out to the living room. I sat down on the chair, and sighed heavily. I looked at the girls and they both had expressions of pity on their faces. I realized Emmett wasn't in here and I sat up.

"Where'd Em go?" I asked. "I convinced him to go get you a test. I didn't want you to get sick on the way there, or while you were there." Rosalie stated with a smile. "Thank you!" I exclaimed kicking my shoes off.

"Not a word of this to Edward." I declared, pointing at both girls. "You're going to hide it from him?" Rose asked a look of disappointment on her face. "Of course not, but I want to be the one to tell him." I explained.

We sat there in silence for awhile, and my thoughts were racing between nervousness and excitement. Mixed in that was a big slice of fear. I wanted to be pregnant again. I missed it with a passion, but I was also afraid of being pregnant. I'd had two miscarriages in three years; granted one of them wasn't technically a miscarriage, but still. How was I supposed to feel safe being pregnant again when I'd lost two babies already? I could feel the moisture building in my eyes so I closed them, and tried to fight off the threatening emotions. A few minutes later Emmett waltzed into the apartment and dropped a box in my lap. I grabbed it and walked swiftly to the bathroom.

I peed on the stick, put the cap back on, and sat it on the counter. I paced the confines of the bathroom for a full five minutes, and then peered down at the stick. It took a second to realize I was staring at two solid lines. _Fuck me._ I stormed out of the bathroom, stick in hand and stared at Emmett. "I need you to go back. I need another test." I demanded.

"I had a feeling you'd say that. This is why I bought the one with two tests in it." He replied. "You did? Oh." I mumbled walking back to the bathroom. Sure enough there was another test in it. I put the first stick down, and walked back out to the kitchen. I grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge, and went and sat down in the living room.

"Um, Bella. If you don't want Edward to know just yet I hope you hid the tests because he should be waking up before long." Rose stated. I downed the first bottle of water in record time, and then opened the second. "He's going to find out eventually right?" I said a little hastily.

"You're pregnant aren't you?" Alice asked with a wide grin. "The first test could be wrong so I'm going to take the second one." I replied. "Bella, it's extremely rare to get a false positive pregnancy test. If it says you're pregnant than you're pregnant." Alice retorted.

I finished the second bottle of water, and went to throw them away. Then I walked back into the bathroom, and took the second test. Another five minutes later and again I was staring at two solid lines. I wasn't sure what to think at first, but the longer I stood there the more excited I became. I couldn't help it. The fear was still there, but the excitement was bigger. I was pregnant! Again! I guess it shouldn't have come as such a big surprise because we weren't doing anything to prevent it, but we weren't really trying for a baby either. With a contented sigh I threw away the box and the papers and put the two tests in the top drawer.

"Well?" Alice and Rosalie asked in unison. "They both say I'm pregnant." I said with a small smile. Rosalie started jumping up and down on the bed cheering loudly while Alice clapped her hands excitedly. Emmett let out a big whoop and hugged me tightly.

"What's with all the noise?" Jasper grumbled walking into the living room. "Bella is pregnant!" Alice practically yelled. "Really? Congratulations, Bella." Jasper stated hugging me with one arm.

"What are you congratulating her for?" Edward asked.

"We should probably talk in the bedroom." I stated grabbing his hand. He let me pull him into the bedroom, and then he pulled away. "What's going on?" He demanded softly. I closed the door, and looked at him with a smile on my face.

"I'm pregnant." I said quickly. "Yeah, okay. Seriously what's going on?" He asked crossing his arms across his chest. "Seriously I'm pregnant. I just took two tests and they're both positive." I explained.

"Well, tests can be wrong, Bella. Did you call the doctor?" He asked dryly. "Not yet. I also need to call Jan and figure out what to do about my medicine again. She'll probably have me stop taking it again, but I want to call her before I just stop taking it." I rambled.

"Whoa, slow down Bella. We don't even know for sure that you're pregnant. Let's not get our hopes up too high here." Edward said holding a hand up.

"What is your problem? I thought you'd be happy." I demanded angrily. "I just want to see what the doctor says before I go getting all excited about what could be a false alarm." He said with a shrug.

"I am pregnant, Edward. I've been throwing up all morning, and my boobs are starting to hurt. Not to mention I took two tests, and Alice says it's very rare to get a false positive on a pregnancy test." I replied.

"I'm going to go take a shower, and then make some breakfast. We can talk about this later alright?" He asked walking towards the bathroom. "No! It's not alright! What's wrong with you?" I demanded grabbing his arm. He yanked away from me and kept walking. _What the hell?_


	42. Chapter 42

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have are a group of lovely readers who continuously make my day with their reviews; even if they are a little miffed at Edward. =] Song for this chapter-"Stupid boy"-Keith Urban (only because Edward is being a very stupid boy right now)**

I walked into my doctor's office three weeks later by myself. Edward had to work which I completely understood, but what I didn't understand was his lack of emotion the last few weeks. He's been closed off, brooding around the apartment like his best friend died or something. He won't talk about my being pregnant; though I was positive I was. The morning sickness was an every day occurrence, my boobs hurt like a motherfucker, I was bloated out of this world, and I still hadn't started my period. There wasn't another option for what was going on with my body that I was aware of. He just refused to acknowledge it.

Maybe I could understand if he'd just talk to me about it, but every time I approached him and tried to talk to him he changed the subject, or walked away. I felt very alone the last few weeks, and that didn't go well with my already rapidly changing moods brought on by the pregnancy. Alice said to just give him some time to adjust, that he was having a hard time accepting it. But, I didn't think that was the problem; he was so excited last time around. I was pretty sure he was afraid of me being pregnant again; which was the same way I was feeling. But I was also excited to go through this experience again and hopefully for the full term this time.

Not long after I arrived my name was called and I followed a nurse to a room. She weighed me, and took my blood pressure, made me pee in a cup, asked me a few questions, handed me a gown to change into and said the doctor would be with me shortly. I changed into the gown, and sat up on the table to wait. I tried not to think about Edward anymore, but it was useless. His behavior was all I could think about. It was just so unlike him to act this way. It both worried and scared me. He was always the first one to want to talk about whatever the problem might be, not ignore it or shut off his emotions. I didn't know what to say to him the last few weeks, and he sure wasn't trying to make conversation with me. He's been making himself scarce as much as he possibly can, too. He stayed at work later than usual, spent more time in the office, or just wasn't home.

A knock at the door pulled me from my thoughts, and I tried to smile as my doctor walked in. "Well, Bella it's nice to see you under these circumstances again. How are you feeling?" Dr. Gingrich asked with a smile. "Not too bad aside from the morning sickness." I replied with a shrug. She instructed me to lie back on the table with my bottom as close to the edge as I could get it. I scooted down as far as I could, and hesitantly opened my legs. I hated these kinds of examinations with a passion. It wasn't so much that they hurt it was just plain uncomfortable. I mean really, who liked having their lady parts poked and prodded at?

The examination was over as quick as it had begun, and Dr. Gingrich helped me to sit back up. "Okay let's set up an ultrasound for next week, and you'll need to get some blood work done. And then I want to see you again in one month. Do you have any questions for me?" She asked. "I'm really pregnant again?" I asked with a laugh. "Yes you definitely are. Congratulations, Bella." She said with a laugh of her own. She left me to get redressed, and I did so quickly. I made my way out to the reception area and set the ultrasound appointment, and made arrangements to come back for my blood work at the same time. I called Alice to let her know I was ready for her, and waited out in the lobby until she showed up.

"Well?" She asked as I got in the car. "Definitely pregnant!" I exclaimed with a smile. "Yay!" She screeched clapping her hands together. "I have ultrasound appointment for next week, and then we'll find out how far along I am. Oh, Alice I don't know whether to laugh or cry I'm so excited and nervous!" I exclaimed.

"I know! It's so exciting! We're pregnant together! And you're going to have this baby, and it'll be healthy! I just know it!" She screeched. I laughed at her enthusiasm and rested my hands on my abdomen.

"Oh, hey since we're already up this way do you mind stopping by the school? I want to tell Edward as soon as possible." I asked. "Sure, no problem. Then we can grab lunch." Alice replied heading towards the school. Thanks to Alice's famously reckless driving we arrived at the school in record time. I sighed with relief and told her I'd be right back.

I headed to the office, signed in and received a visitor's pass. After exchanging pleasantries with the school principal I headed in the direction of Edward's classroom. Judging by the time of day it was he shouldn't have a class right now. As I got closer I heard a woman's laughter coming from his room, and I slowed my pace. I stopped at the door, more than a little surprised to see a woman sitting on Edward's desk facing him, her hand on his leg. I couldn't see Edward's face, but I could hear his laughter at whatever the bitch said.

I turned around abruptly and ran back to the office to sign out and turn over my pass. I knew I was crying even before the ladies in the office asked me what was wrong, but I ignored them and ran back out to Alice's car. I slammed the door shut, and turned to Alice.

"Bella what's wrong?" She demanded.

"That son of a bitch is in there flirting with some woman! She's sitting on his desk with her hand on his leg, and they're both laughing! He can't even be bothered to look at me when he's at home, but he can come to work and flirt and laugh it up with some bitch all damn day!" I yelled wiping furiously at the tears that were falling.

"What? Bella, I'm sure you just misunderstood what you saw." Alice said, trying to reassure me. "Go look for yourself!" I snapped angrily. With a sigh she got out of the car, and walked inside. A few minutes later she came running out with Edward on her heels. I locked my car door, and stared straight ahead as fresh tears welled up in my eyes. Alice got back in the car, and locked her door as well.

Edward was standing at my window, but I refused to acknowledge him. What could I say to him? Nothing nice that was for sure. "Do you want to talk to him?" Alice asked quietly as Edward starting beating on the window. "No." I replied quickly wiping at the tears. She turned the car on, and drove off with Edward yelling my name.

"What do you want to do, Bella?" Alice asked as we pulled up in front of my apartment building. I sighed and wiped at more tears. "I don't know. I don't want to see him." I replied, my voice cracking with emotion. Alice sighed heavily. "Okay, go upstairs and pack a bag. You can stay with me and Jasper." She offered.

"Are you sure, Alice? I don't want to impose on you guys." I asked quietly. "Don't be ridiculous. Go pack a bag." She snorted.

Twenty minutes later we were sitting in her apartment, waiting for our Chinese food to arrive. I had finally managed to quit crying, but felt on the brink of breaking down at any given second. Alice had called Jasper to let him know I would be staying here, and gave him strict instructions to not tell Edward. Then she called Rosalie, who said she'd be over within the hour. She wanted to call Carlisle and Esme, but I forbade her to do that. They didn't need to be involved in this.

There was a knock at the door, and Alice went to answer it. My phone chirped in my pocket, and I pulled it out. I rolled my eyes when I saw it was from Edward.

_We need to talk. Where are you?-E_

_You haven't had anything to say to me in three weeks, Edward. Why start now?-B_

_It wasn't what it looked like, Bella. I swear. Can we please talk?-E_

_No. I think we need a break from each other for a few days. –B_

_I need to talk to you, love. Please. Where are you? –E_

_I'm safe. –B_

I ignored the next text he sent me, and turned my phone off. Alice walked back into the kitchen with our Chinese food, and Rosalie on her heels. "Have you heard from him?" Rosalie asked sitting next to me and throwing an arm around me.

"He just texted me. I told him we need a break from each other for a few days." I replied. "Good for you, Bella." Alice said handing me my beef lo Mein. We ate and talked, and then moved to the living room and talked some more until Jasper got home. He looked tired, and a little annoyed.

"Your brother has been calling and texting me all damn day. I had to turn my phone off because he wouldn't stop calling me. How long exactly do you expect me to not tell him that Bella is here?" He asked in exasperation.

"It's just for a few days, Jasper. Bella would do the same thing for me." Alice replied quickly.

"Yeah, and if I didn't know where you were I'd go crazy. Look, I'm not saying what the guy did was right, but ignoring him isn't the best way to go about this." He said with a sigh.

"You don't know what it's been like the last couple of weeks, Jasper. He's barely even looked at me, and that's when he was home. And then for me to show up at his work today and see what I saw, what else am I supposed to do?" I asked as fresh tears welled in my eyes.

"I understand that, Bella, I do. But, what are you accomplishing by shutting him out the same way he did you the last few weeks?" Jasper asked.

"Fine. I'll go call him." I sighed. I put my coat on and walked outside. I turned my phone back on and saw that I had ten missed calls, and fifteen texts; all from Edward. Before I could dial Edward's number I saw his car pull into the parking lot. He pulled up right in front of me, and rolled the passenger window down.

"Would you please get in? It's too cold to talk outside." He asked. "I don't plan on talking long. You can get out." I replied dryly. He muttered something under his breath, but turned the car off and got out. He walked around the car, and leaned against the passenger door.

"Whatever you saw it wasn't what you're thinking." He said quietly. "It was exactly what I was thinking it was. Don't sit here and patronize me, Edward because I'll go right back inside." I snapped.

"I'm not patronizing you, Bella! Christ I wasn't doing anything!" He exclaimed. "You weren't flirting with her?" I demanded. "No!" He yelled. "Her hand was on your leg, Edward!" I shouted back.

"What do you want me to say, Bella?" He demanded angrily. "I want you to tell me the truth damn it!" I yelled back. "Fine! Yes, I was flirting with her alright?" He shouted. "No, it's not alright! We're married! I'm pregnant! That is not alright!" I exclaimed as tears started to fall down my cheeks.

He moved toward me, and I stepped back a few feet. We stood there in silence for a few minutes before he spoke again. "Look, I'm sorry. It was wrong, and I know that. I got caught up in the moment that's all it was."

"And what if she would have tried to kiss you? Would you have been caught up in the moment then too?" I demanded. "No! She wouldn't do that! She knows I'm married." He replied quickly. "She wouldn't do that, but you would have? Is that what you're saying?" I asked quietly.

"No, Bella of course not. I would never cheat on you! You have to know that!" He exclaimed. I shook my head. "I don't know anything anymore, Edward. It's cold, and I'm tired. I'm going inside. Please leave." I said turning away from him. He grabbed me from behind, and pulled me to him; hugging me tightly.

"Please don't do this, Bella. Don't walk away from me." He whispered fervently. I fought against the tears threatening to fall, and swallowed against the lump in my throat. "I need a couple of days, Edward. Just let me go." I pleaded my voice thick with emotion. He kissed the top of my head, and released me. I walked back inside without a backwards glance.


	43. Chapter 43

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. Can I just say…WOW! You guys have blown me away with your reviews for last chapter! I was not expecting the wave of responses I got, but I thank you none the less! It means a lot to me that you guys care as much about Bella as I do, and are as upset with Edward as I am. Let me just do a little pleading on Edward's part though; please don't hate him, and try to understand his perspective. (Which will be made clearer in the coming chapters.) Song for this chapter-"Decode"-Paramore.**

"Caught up in the moment my ass!" Alice scoffed. We'd been sitting here talking for the last few hours, and getting no where. I still had no idea what to think, or feel about what Edward had said, but at least I wasn't crying anymore. That was a place to start.

"He infuriates me! I cannot believe he would do something like that to you! He's a grown ass man he knows better than that! It serves him right if you never spoke to him again." Alice continued angrily. "You aren't telling me anything I haven't been thinking the last few hours, Alice. But, I am pregnant and even if I wanted a divorce, which I don't, he has a right to this baby." I sighed.

"Can I just play the bad guy for a minute?" Rose asked. I nodded. "Look at where he's coming from. He's been terrified of you being pregnant, and I can understand that. Look at what happened not so long ago. People do things they wouldn't normally do when they're afraid, Bella." She said quietly.

"And that's just supposed to make everything alright? I'm just supposed to forget what I saw at the school? Forget that he admitted that he was flirting with that girl?" I demanded angrily.

"Emmett did." She shrugged. I motioned with my hand for her to continue, and after a few minutes she finally did. "You know what happened to me. When Emmett and I were first dating I was terrified of trusting him, and he caught me kissing another guy. Once I explained the truth to him he said he understood, and he forgave me. I'm just saying fear makes people do stupid things, Bella."

"How do you even know that's the reasoning behind his actions?" I asked after a minute. She bit her lip, and stared at the floor. I swear my mouth hit the floor. "He talked to you didn't he?" I accused angrily.

"Well, no…he talked to Emmett and I just happened to overhear it." She said slowly. I jumped up from the couch, and starting pacing. "Why didn't you tell me Rosalie? If I had known that I would have talked to him and this whole mess could have been avoided!" I exclaimed angrily.

"I don't think it would have changed anything, Bella. Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I was caught between a rock and a hard place." She explained quickly. "What would you have done if you were in my shoes?" She asked after a minute.

"I would have told you!" I snapped. "Really?" She asked dryly. "Yes! No! I don't know!" I exclaimed plopping back down on the chair. "Why am I here?" I muttered more to myself than anyone else.

"Because you need a break, and that's okay." Alice said softly. "No, it's not. We're married. I shouldn't be running away from our problems, Alice. I need to go home, but I really don't want to see him right now." I said with a sigh.

"This is why you're staying here for a few days. There's nothing wrong with needing a break from your spouse; especially under the circumstances." Rosalie stated. My phone chirped in my pocket, and I knew before I even pulled it out that it would be Edward. Who else would text me at three in the morning?

_I can't sleep. Please come home. –E_

_I meant what I said. I need a few days. –B_

_I'm sorry, Bella. I'm so sorry. –E_

_I know. Doesn't change anything. –B_

_Come home so we can talk about this, please. I'm begging you. –E_

_I don't want to see you right now. I can't be around you. –B_

_I don't believe you. You love me, Bella. That's enough. It has to be. –E _

_Good night, Edward. –B_

I put my phone back in my pocket, and stood up. "I'm going to try and get some sleep." I stated walking towards the bedroom. I didn't bother changing clothes, I just climbed into bed. Though I felt spent both physically and emotionally, I couldn't fall asleep. Too many thoughts were going through my head most of which were repetitious. I couldn't stop replaying what I saw in Edward's classroom it just kept going on and on. My phone chirped in my pocket and with a sigh I pulled it out.

_What do I need to do, Bella? Tell me. I'll do anything. –E_

_Nothing, Edward. You can't do anything. –B_

_I don't believe that. I have to make this right. Tell me what to do. –E_

_I don't know, Edward. Please just leave me alone. –B_

_I can't do that, Bella. I will do anything but that. –E _

I didn't respond to him. I didn't know what to say. I knew he was hurting just as I was, but he had brought this on himself. It didn't make it any easier to treat him the way I was though. I still loved him more than my own life; that fact would never change. My phone chirped again and I groaned in frustration.

_How was your doctor's appointment today? –E_

_It was fine, Edward. I'm pregnant. I have an ultrasound appointment next week. –B_

_Will you meet me tomorrow? Just to talk? –E_

_I don't think that's a very good idea. –B _

_Bella, please. I'm trying, love. –E_

_Fine. When? –B_

_Just text me when you get up. –E_

_What about work? –B_

_You're more important. –E_

_Am I?_ I didn't send that message. I was too afraid of the answer. I turned my phone off, and tried to get some sleep. I laid there until glimmers of sunlight were breaking through the curtains. And of course, like every other morning around this time the morning sickness hit me full force. I ran to the bathroom and threw up until my sides hurt. I walked back to my bedroom, grabbed my toiletries and a change of clothes, and went back into the bathroom. I brushed my teeth, and took a long, hot shower. I dressed in a pair of jeans and black sweater that hung off one shoulder. I gathered my things and went back into the bedroom. I brushed my hair and put it up in a messy bun, and slipped on my black flats.

"You're up pretty early for not going to bed until after three." Alice greeted as I sat down on the couch. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was just after seven. "That's because I never went to sleep. Can I borrow your car for awhile? Edward wants to talk." I asked.

"Is that a good idea?" She asked softly. I shrugged. "Have to do it at some point. Might as well get it over with." I said dryly. "Actually I meant you driving. I think talking to Edward is a great idea." She retorted. "Trust me I won't be doing any sleeping anytime soon." I said with a sigh.

"Okay. The keys are on the kitchen counter. Call me if you need me." She stated with a small smile. I thanked her, grabbed her keys and my purse and headed out the door. I didn't bother texting Edward. I knew he'd be up. Besides, I'd rather talk at the apartment; I wasn't up to being in public today. The ten minute drive from Alice's place to ours went by too quickly, and before I knew it I was walking up the stairs to our door. I pulled my keys out, unlocked the door, and walked in.

Edward was sitting on the couch, head in his hands. There was Kleenex all over the table, and a coffee mug. He looked up when I closed the door, and he looked like I felt. His hair was in disarray, and his eyes were puffy and red rimmed. My heart broke a little more as I took in his appearance. He started to get up, but I put a hand up to stop him.

"I'd rather you stay there." I said quietly. He nodded in understanding, and looked down at the floor. When he looked back up at me, there were fresh tears in his eyes. I set my purse and keys down on the table by the door, and went to sit in the oversized chair. We sat in silence for a while, him trying to get his emotions in check, and me trying to figure out what to say. Finally, I decided to speak the truth.

"Do you know why I married you?" I asked. "No." He said gruffly. "Because I thought we had real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, all consuming, can't live without each other love." I said as tears welled in my eyes. "We do." He whispered fervently.

"You made me feel safe, protected, wanted. When I looked at you I felt like I was the most important thing in the entire world to you. You made me feel special. And yesterday, when I saw that girl with you, you took…you took that away from me." I continued, my voice breaking as the tears spilled over.

"I'm sorry. I'm _so_ sorry, Bella. You are the most important thing to me. You and this baby mean the world to me." He replied quietly. "Then _why_ did you do that to me?" I demanded, wiping uselessly at the tears that were still falling from my eyes.

"I was afraid. I still am afraid. We've lost two babies already, Bella, and the last time I almost lost you, too. When you said you were pregnant I just…shut down inside. I just kept thinking what's going to happen this time? Am I going to lose her and the baby, too? The girl at work was a distraction from my thoughts, and I was missing you. It was stupid, and I am _so sorry_." He explained.

"Why didn't you talk to me about it? You can tell me anything, Edward you should know that by now. Instead you just shut me out and ignored me completely. Do you have any idea how worthless that made me feel?" I demanded.

"I don't know why I didn't talk to you, Bella. There's no excuse for that." He answered quietly. "I miss you, love." He said after a few minutes of silence. "And whose fault is that?" I snapped. "Mine. It's completely my fault. I cannot begin to tell you how truly sorry I am, Bella." He whispered.

"Sorry doesn't make it better. It doesn't make it okay. I'm so angry with you, Edward, and so hurt." I said quietly. "I feel like you cheated on me." I whispered.

"I would never do that to you!" He exclaimed. "You may as well have! Put yourself in my shoes for a minute. What would you be doing right now?" I asked angrily.

"I probably wouldn't even have agreed to talk to you." He admitted after a few minutes. "Exactly. So what am I supposed to do here?" I asked.

"Forgive me. Say you love me, and that we can work this out." He whispered. "I do love you, Edward. That's what's so damn hard about all of this. But, I can't forget that this happened. And how do I know this won't happen again in the future? How can I trust you after this?" I demanded.

"It will _never_ happen again. I swear to you it will never happen again. Just please give me the chance to make it up to you. Let me prove to you how much you mean to me. How much I need you. Let me earn the trust back that was broken. Just please don't leave me, Bella. I couldn't take it if you walked away from me." He responded.

"I don't know if I can take that chance, Edward." I said quietly. He got up from the couch, and came to kneel before me. He laid his head in my lap, and starting sobbing. I rested my hands on top of his head, and cried right along with him.

We stayed that way for quite a while, even after our sobs had turned into sniffles and stray tears. I wasn't sure what to think about all he had told me, or what to do about it. I knew I didn't want a divorce, but other than that I just didn't know. I wasn't ready to come back home yet, the pain was still too fresh. Finally, he lifted his head to stare up at me.

"I know it doesn't change anything, but I really am sorry, love. I love you with everything inside of me, and you are the most precious thing in my life. All I'm asking for is a chance to make this right." He stated. I shifted away from him, and taking the hint he went back to the couch.

"I know you're sorry, but like I said before it doesn't make it better. I need a few days, Edward. I'm going to stay with Alice and Jasper until I can figure out where we go from here. I need you to respect that decision, and not bother me. You can meet me at the doctor's office Wednesday morning for the ultrasound, and then we can talk afterwards." I explained standing up.

"Please don't go. Not yet." He pleaded quietly. "I'm tired, Edward, and hungry. I need to go home and get something to eat and lie down for awhile." I said with a sigh. He sighed, but nodded in understanding. I walked to the door, and grabbed my purse and keys.

"I love you." He said reverently.

"I know." I replied as I walked out the door.


	44. Chapter 44

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. Again I am blown away by the amount of reviews for the last couple of chapters. You guys are amazing thanks so much! =] And please don't hate Edward too much. Please remember that he is human, and everyone makes mistakes. Even really stupid idiotic ones. =] Song for this chapter-"If it hadn't been for love"- Adele. (It's kind of a fun song actually) **

The next few days passed by in a blur of unsettling emotions. Edward hadn't tried talking to me since that day we talked, and I was nervous to see him this morning at the doctor's office. I showered quickly, and dressed in a pair of black leggings and red tunic. I ate a few saltine crackers and drank some orange juice before heading out the door. When I got to the office, Edward was already there; waiting outside for me. We walked inside together in silence, and he went to sit down while I signed in at the reception desk. I walked over and sat down in the chair next to him. He tried holding my hand, but I brushed him off, so he put his arm around the back of my chair instead. I sighed, but said nothing. I had spent a lot of time thinking over last week, and I knew I was ready to come back home. However, it wouldn't be without conditions, and if he didn't understand that than I didn't know what would happen.

My name was called within minutes of us being there, and we headed into the back to get set up for the ultrasound. I was excited to see the little peanut, and to find out how far along I was in the pregnancy. I knew it couldn't be more than a month or two, but I liked having as much of an exact answer as was possible. I lay back on the table, and raised my shirt up as the doctor put a towel over my pants. She put the cold goop on my stomach, and the ultrasound began. She took some measurements and pictures first, and then she turned the monitor so Edward and I could see the baby. Just like the last time it brought tears to my eyes to see the little miracle that was growing inside of me.

The doctor took some more pictures for us to keep, and then we were finished. "Judging by the baby's measurements you're about 17 weeks along. The baby looks healthy and that's the main thing." She stated.

"How is it possible for me to be that far along? I've only missed one period, and I didn't have any symptoms until a few weeks ago." I asked.

"It's possible to have periods when you're pregnant, and lots of women don't have any signs at first. Did you with the last pregnancy?" She replied.

"Not really. Just the morning sickness." I said thoughtfully. "Well see, it's not uncommon. The morning sickness should pass pretty soon. It usually goes away within the second trimester." She explained. She wiped my stomach off, and helped me to sit up. She handed us the pictures, congratulated us again, and left the room. I slipped my shoes on again, and we walked back out to the front desk. I had to resign in for the blood work and after that I went to sit back down.

"You don't have to stay for this part. It's just routine blood work." I said looking over at Edward. "I want to stay. I thought we could have lunch afterwards." He replied.

"Okay, but could we go back to the apartment and order some Chinese or something? I don't really feel like being around a lot of people today. This visit was enough." I asked.

"Sure, love. Whatever you want to do." He replied quickly. We sat quietly with each other until they called my name. I followed the nurse to a small room, and sat in the chair specifically designated to patients getting their blood drawn. I watched as she wrapped the tourniquet around my arm and pulled it tight against my skin. I watched her feel around for a good vein to steal my blood from, and then turned away abruptly when she pulled out the needle. It wasn't the needles I had trouble with; it was the blood. I had no desire to see the blood being pulled from my vein; it would just make me sick, and I got sick enough as it was.

She bandaged me up and sent me on my way. I met Edward out in the lobby, and we walked outside together. "Can you follow me to Alice's house? I don't want to leave her without her car all day." I asked as I unlocked the door. He nodded and waited until I was inside the car before returning to his own vehicle. He stayed right behind me on the way to Alice's house, and waited in the car while I went inside. Alice was taking a nap so I left her keys on the counter with a note thanking her for letting me use her car, and stay with her, grabbed my bag from the bedroom and went back outside.

Edward arched a brow when I threw my bag in the backseat, but said nothing. We drove back to our apartment in silence, and remained silent once we got upstairs. I took my bag into the laundry room and unloaded my dirty clothes, and then I walked into the bedroom. I put the bag back in the closet and put my toiletries back in the bathroom. I walked back out to the living room where Edward was sitting on the couch, his head in his hands. I sighed, and sat in the oversized chair like last week. It was awkward between us, and I hated that. I cleared my throat and curled my legs underneath me.

"This…woman that you were flirting with. Do you see her often?" I asked quietly. "She's a teacher's aide. More specifically she's my aide, so yes I see her every day." He replied just as quiet. "Yeah, that's not going to work for me." I declared. "I want her as far away from you as possible. I don't care if you have to quit your job and go somewhere else, or if she gets fired, or transferred or whatever. I don't want you two near each other ever." I continued my voice firm.

"I'll do whatever you want me to do." He answered gruffly. "Do you have her phone number?" I asked. He nodded. "Does she have yours?" I asked again. "Yes. Again, we work together. I have most of the teachers' phone numbers and they have mine." He replied.

"I don't fucking care, Edward. You're getting a new phone number. Today. And no more working late unless it's scheduled. Bring whatever papers you have to grade or go over or whatever home with you if you have to, but you're not staying late at the school anymore. You are never to speak to this woman again, and no more women teacher's aides. I don't care what you have to do to make it work, but you better do it. These are my conditions in order for us to be together. There are no negotiations allowed. This is the way it has to be until I feel I can trust you again." I declared firmly.

"And how long do you think that might be?" He whispered. "A long time. This isn't any easier for me than it is for you, and I know it sounds a bit unfair. But what you did was unfair to me and this is the only way I know how to make this work without punching you in the face." I said dryly.

"Would it make you feel better to punch me?" He asked, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. I couldn't help it, I laughed. "Actually yes it would, but we're not going there again." I replied once I'd caught my breath.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I'll spend the rest of my life making this up to you." He said seriously. I got up from the chair, and walked over to him. He stood up and wrapped his arms around my waist. He leaned in to kiss me, but I turned my face away from him, and hugged him instead. I wasn't ready to kiss and make up just yet. What he had done had seriously wounded me, and we needed to proceed slowly. He sighed, but said nothing and instead kissed the top of my head.

"I guess I have some errands to run. I need to go to the phone store and change my number, and I'll have to go by the school to give them the new number, and make some changes in teacher's aides. Would you like to go with me?" He asked as I pulled away from him.

"Sure why not? Then we can grab some lunch I'm starting to get hungry." I replied. I grabbed my purse and coat and we headed out the door. I sat in the car while Edward went into the sprint store, which thankfully didn't take that long. I also stayed in the car while he went inside the school; I figured it was safer for everyone that way because if I saw that girl who knows what I would have done. Edward came walking out twenty minutes later with a red head on his heels. I knew it was the same bitch I'd found in his classroom the other day.

She was yelling after him, and Edward bless his little heart was trying his hardest to ignore her. When they approached the car, and she put her hand on his arm to stop him from getting in I opened my door and got out to face her.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" I yelled angrily at her. Immediately she pulled her hand away from Edward, and looked down at the ground. "Look, I know you're his wife and I know this is wrong, but Edward and I have something special." She dared to say to me.

"No, what you had was your hand on my husband. AGAIN. And if I wasn't pregnant I'd kick your sorry ass right now. So you need to listen to me, and listen good honey because if I have to repeat myself the end result will not be pretty. Keep your fucking hands to yourself, and stay the fuck away from my husband!" I exclaimed.

"How dare you speak to me that way!" She yelled. I took two steps forward and if Edward hadn't of been there to stop me I probably would have attacked her. "You're wrong again. How dare YOU try to initiate something with a married man! How dare YOU try to come between my relationship with my husband! I swear to God lady if you don't walk away right fucking now I'm going to lay your ass out!" I yelled clenching my hands into tight fists.

"Edward and I are not through with our discussion." She ground out. I took another step forward, and she stepped back two. _That's what I thought bitch._ "Victoria, we are through here. There was never anything between us, and never will be. I told you inside I don't want to see you anywhere near me for the rest of your time at this school." Edward said firmly.

"But, Edward I-"

"But nothing bitch. Walk away." I snapped taking another step forward. She let out a huff, and after a long, pleading look that Edward ignored she finally walked away. I glared after her until she went inside the school, and then I stomped back over to my side of the car. I got in and slammed the door with a huff of my own.

"Why couldn't you just let me hit her?" I demanded when Edward slid into the car. "Because you're pregnant, and I didn't really feel like taking a trip to the police station." Edward stated with a smile. I counted to ten, and took a few deep breaths. I knew Edward was trying to lighten the mood, but I wasn't going for it. I hadn't been this angry in a long time, and I really felt the need to hit something. My hands were sweaty and shaky, and my heart was pounding. That woman infuriated me to the depths of hell and back.

"I don't think she's going to leave you alone. She seems like the type who's used to getting what she wants." I said with a long sigh.

"It doesn't matter, Bella. She can't have me, and if she gives me any trouble all I have to do is talk to the principal and the board of directors." He replied quickly.

"Exactly. She can't have you that's why she's not going to give up. She wants what she can't have, Edward. It's going to be a problem I can see it." I snapped.

"Calm down, love. I talked it over with the principal already, and she's going to talk with the board of directors. If I have anymore trouble with her they'll take care of it." Edward said softly.

"Don't tell me to calm down! I wouldn't have to calm down if you wouldn't have instigated something with her in the first place!" I yelled angrily. "Damn it, Bella! How are we supposed to get through this if you keep throwing it back in my face?" Edward demanded pounding his hand on the steering wheel.

"Just take me home." I snapped. "No, you need to eat something." He snapped back. "We can order Chinese or something. I don't care just take me home!" I exclaimed. He groaned in frustration and jumped on the highway.

We didn't speak the rest of the way home, or when we got home. I hung my coat on the rack, slipped my shoes off, and lay down on the couch. I heard Edward in the kitchen ordering Chinese and I silently thanked him. I was starving and starting to get a headache. We sat in silence until our food arrived, and even then we didn't talk. It was tense, and very awkward, and I hated it. But I wasn't ready to talk yet, so I didn't. I cleaned up our mess after dinner and Edward retreated to the office. I lay back down on the couch, and turned the TV on to try and occupy myself. It wasn't long before I was dozing off; a week of not sleeping good had finally caught up to me.


	45. Chapter 45

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is a sick baby, and an official diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. Go me! (Please note the sarcasm). Thank you once again for all of your lovely reviews, and to all new readers for adding my story to your alerts! Who knew that taking events from my own life and putting them into this story would make it such a hit? I'm thrilled that you're all loving it as much as I am. Song for this chapter-"More like her"- Miranda Lambert **

I woke up crying around three in the morning. I'd been dreaming of Edward and Victoria being together. I tried to calm myself down, but instead I began crying harder until they turned into full on sobs. I was trying really hard to understand what had made Edward do what he did, but I just couldn't. I didn't get it, and I was tired of pretending that I did. The lights came on, and Edward came walking quickly into the living room.

"Bella? What's wrong, love?" He asked, concern laced in his words. He tried to hug me, but I stood up and backed away from him. I tried to calm down enough to talk to him, but so far it wasn't working. I started pacing the floor in front of the coffee table, taking deep breaths as I went.

"Bella, please talk to me. What is it, love?" He asked again. "Why her?" I sobbed. "What does she have that I don't? Is she prettier? Smarter? Funnier? What? Why did you pick her of all people?" I cried harder.

"I don't know." He sighed. "Yes, you do! What did she do that I wasn't doing for you? There was obviously something or you wouldn't have been flirting with her in the first place!" I sobbed. "She…she paid attention to me." He admitted hesitantly.

"I was paying attention to you! I was here! I was here every single day trying to get you to talk to me! Begging you to talk to me! And you just ignored me! Every time I tried to talk to you you walked away from me!" I screamed as more tears fell from my eyes. "Why didn't you just talk to me?" I pleaded.

"I was afraid, Bella! It was easier to talk to her because I didn't have to worry about hurting her feelings when I told her how scared I was of losing you and the baby. It was easier to pretend th-"

"To pretend what? That you didn't have a wife? Or a baby on the way? I'm supposed to ease your fears, Edward! That's why I'm your wife! You're supposed to be able to come to me with anything, but instead you turned to another woman!" I cried. I fell to my knees as more gut wrenching sobs racked my body. "What did…I do…that was so…wrong?" I sobbed.

"Nothing! You did nothing wrong, Bella. I swear! I'm sorry! God, I'm so sorry, Bella! I never meant to hurt you this way I swear I didn't!" He exclaimed walking over and hugging me tightly to him. He sat on the floor and pulled me to him, rocking us gently back and forth as I sobbed into his chest.

"Am I not…not good enough for you? Are you unhappy? Do I need to be…more…like her?" I cried.

"No!" He exclaimed fervently. "You are perfect just the way you are. I love you, and only you I swear, Bella. You are exactly right for me. If I were a junkie you'd be my brand of heroin. Please don't think that you need to change anything because you don't, love. You've made me the happiest man on the face of the earth, and I am _so sorry_ that I've hurt you this way." He explained reverently.

I tried to speak, but more sobs prevented that. I held on to him as tightly as I could, and sobbed against him. He held me just as tightly, pressing light kisses to my head every now and then. "I'm so afraid that…I'm going to…to lose you." I cried.

"You're not going to lose me, love. I swear to you I'm not going anywhere. I love you too much to let you go. I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm so sorry. Please don't be afraid of that." He whispered. He pulled my face up so that I was staring at him, and I saw that he was crying, too.

"My heart belongs to you, and only you. Forever. I will never want anyone else, but you for the rest of my life. And I will spend the rest of our lives making this up to you, and making you believe that you are more than enough for me. I don't deserve you, I know that, but I refuse to let you go." He said reverently as more tears fell from his eyes. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and kissed him hard on the lips. Once. Twice. Three times, and then I hugged him tightly to me.

"Make love to me, Edward. Make me forget about this. Please." I whispered into his ear. He stood up and cradled me in his arms. He walked slowly to the bedroom, and laid me down gently on the bed. I undressed as he was undressing, and then lay back as he came to lie on top of me. He kissed me passionately, tenderly, as he entered me with one fluid motion. Our lovemaking that night was slow, and gentle, and as loving and tender as it could possibly get. Afterwards, I snuggled into him as deep as I could and fell asleep to him humming my lullaby.

I woke up early the next afternoon alone. I lay there, testing my stomach for a few minutes, and then sat up slowly. I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't feel the need to vomit. Here's to hoping the morning sickness was gone. I got up, and dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt, brushed my teeth, and threw my hair up in a messy bun. I found Edward in the office, grading papers.

"I thought you'd be at work." I said softly. "Let's go talk in the living room." He replied getting up. _Yikes._ That didn't sound very promising. I followed him into the living room, and sat next to him on the couch.

"The principal called me this morning. They're hiring Victoria on permanently as a teacher effective next week. I told them I wouldn't be coming back after today, and I've been speaking with the principal and superintendant at another school, but it's in Seattle. They have a spot open for a music teacher so I'm going in for the interview next week." He explained quickly.

"Oh, Edward. How can they do that? You've been a great teacher to those kids!" I exclaimed. "Victoria is an excellent aide, and they obviously see her potential to be a great teacher. I don't blame them for wanting the best teachers available to them. Ms. Boatwright tried to get me to stay on as well, but it's just not feasible." He stated.

"Because of what I said, right? Forget it I take it back. Stay there. You love those kids." I replied quickly. He gave me a small smile. "I told you I was willing to do whatever it took to make things right between us again, Bella. I meant it, and after last night there's no way I'm staying at the school. It's too much of a risk for me at this point." He said.

"I have to get ready. I'm supposed to be there in an hour, and I need to finish grading those papers and finish up the lesson plans for this week for the substitute." He said after a few minutes of silence.

I stared after him as he walked back to the office. I know I told him he needed to do this if it came down to it, but now I was feeling guilty. I never would have expected the school board to do something like this. Edward had been teaching at that school for years, but it was like they didn't even care. I didn't know very much about Victoria, but judging by what little I did know of her; I wouldn't put it past her to have slept with someone higher up at the school just to get this job. I just didn't understand why Edward wasn't fighting harder for his position. Something dawned on me, and I jumped up and walked briskly back to the office.

"She tried something with you didn't she?" I demanded standing in the doorway. "What makes you think that?" He asked with a sigh. "Because I know you. You love your job, and you wouldn't just walk away so easily unless there was a reason. What did she do?" I demanded again. He sighed heavily, and threw his pen down.

"She tried to kiss me." He admitted. "WHAT? When?" I demanded standing straighter. "Yesterday when we were at the school." He sighed. "Why didn't you tell me?" I demanded again. "Uh, probably because you were already about to kick her ass and I didn't want to make it worse." He replied quickly.

"That stupid fucking bitch! I'm going with you today, and I am going to beat the shit out of her!" I exclaimed. "No you're not. You're going to stay here and calm down." He declared, gathering the papers on his desk. "You're joking right? That bitch has got it coming to her, Edward, and obviously I need to be the one to give it!" I exclaimed angrily. He put the papers in his briefcase, and stood up with a sigh.

"Bella, you're pregnant. You're not fighting anyone. It's over and done with alright? I'm transferring to a different school so we won't have to deal with her ever again." He stated walking past me. "You said she tried to kiss you." I said following him to the living room. "Yes." He replied. "And?" I asked. "And nothing. She leaned in to kiss me; I pushed her back and walked away." He stated.

"That stupid bitch! I'm going with you!" I exclaimed. "Do I need to call Alice?" He threatened. "Call her! Better yet, I'll call her for you! She'd agree with me!" I replied quickly. "You're not going." He stated in a tone of finality. I stood there by the door, watching him put his shoes on. "What if she tries something again?" I asked quietly.

"Then I'll brush her off just like I did yesterday. I don't even expect to see her, love. I'm going straight to the office to hand over my papers and lesson plans, and to sign some paperwork. It will be fine." He said in a tone meant to sooth me. It didn't. "I don't trust her, Edward." I said quietly. "You don't trust her, or you don't trust me?" He shot back quickly.

I looked down at the floor and tried to swallow past the lump forming in my throat. He sighed, and pulled my face up to look at him. "I'm sorry, love. That wasn't very fair of me. Everything will be fine, I promise." He said kissing me lightly. I tried to smile as he walked out the door, but failed miserably.

Not five minutes after he left my phone started chirping. I walked into the kitchen and pulled it off the charger. "Hey, Alice." I greeted sullenly. "Hey love bug! Want me to pick you up so we can go kick some slutty ass?" She asked, laughing.

"As lovely and entertaining as that sounds I do believe Edward would have _my_ ass if we did that." I replied with a laugh of my own. "Oh, well at least I offered. Now come open your door for me my hands are full." She demanded hanging up. I laughed and went to open the door. "What are you doing here?" I asked as she came waltzing in with Chinese food. "Did Edward put you up to this?" I guessed. She sat our food on the coffee table, and starting pulling it out of the bag.

"I was already on my way when he called me. Someone went to the doctor yesterday and got pictures of my niece or nephew and didn't bother waking me up to show me." She said with a grin. I laughed and went to grab the ultrasound pictures from the bedroom. I brought them back in and handed them to Alice as she handed me some food. Beef lo Mein, sweet and sour chicken, and fried wontons. _Yum-o!_

"So how far along are you anyway?" Alice asked, setting the pictures on the side table, and picking up her own food. "Doc says I'm seventeen weeks, and everything looks good." I replied taking a big bite.

"Wow. And you didn't have any symptoms until a few weeks ago?" She asked. I swallowed my bite and shook my head. "It's like my body forgets to tell my brain I'm pregnant until after a certain point. I don't know. She said it was normal for that to happen and she's the doctor so whatever." I said with a shrug.

"I'm so excited! We're pregnant together!" She exclaimed. I laughed and shook my head. "Aren't you excited?" She asked after a minute. "Yes I am, but I'm also a bit scared. I've lost two babies in the last three years, Alice. I'm a little bit afraid of losing this one, too." I admitted. I took another big bite, and got up to get us some bottles of water to drink.

"The last time wasn't you're fault. You would have carried that baby to term if it hadn't been for Jacob. I'm telling you everything will be fine this time. I just know it." She said with a smile. I handed her a bottle of water, and sat back down. "I know you're right but, I'm still worried. I'm sure it'll go away after awhile; I just have to keep reminding myself that Jacob can't hurt me anymore." I said.

"You're right. He can't hurt you ever again. It'll get easier as time goes on. Look how far you've come after just a few months." She stated. We ate in silence for a few minutes, and then Alice looked up at me expectantly. "So, want to talk about last night?" She asked.

"Ugh. He told you didn't he?" I guessed with a sigh. "He's worried about you." She admitted. I sighed and shrugged my shoulders. "I just feel like there's something I could have done to prevent it from happening. Or like I did something wrong to make him seek attention elsewhere. Maybe I'm not enough for him." I admitted quietly.

"Oh, Bella. You had nothing to do with why he did what he did. It was a stupid, foolish thing for him to do, but it had nothing to do with you. You are enough for him; you have to know that." She replied.

"He said the same thing. It's just my insecurities coming out." I stated with a small smile. "That might be true, but they wouldn't be coming out at all if he hadn't acted so idiotic in the first place. You have every right to be worried, or afraid. It's a natural response to what's happened between the two of you." She stated.

"Then why do I feel like I was too hard on him? I feel guilty now because he's transferring schools over this shit." I asked with a sigh. "You had every right to come down hard on him. He's a smart man for doing what he's doing now. He understands your feelings, and he knows why you're giving him the rules you're giving him. Don't feel guilty for that. You're doing what you can to protect your marriage, and your unborn child." She replied.

"Doesn't mean I feel any better about it." I grumbled. "Bella! You have nothing to feel bad about. You're going easy on him compared to how I would be with Jasper if he did something like that." Alice exclaimed. "But he loves that school, and those kids." I sighed.

"Would you feel comfortable with him teaching there knowing that she's teaching there as well?" She asked. "Hell no. I'd constantly wonder if they were seeing each other or doing something behind my back." I replied quickly.

"Then there's nothing to feel sorry or guilty for. It's not worth risking your happiness together for him to stay at this school. Edward loves teaching in general; it won't matter where he's at as long as he's doing what he loves, and this way he gets to meet new kids and get a fresh start." She stated confidently.

"You're right." I sighed taking another bite of my food. "Of course I am." She laughed. "Get over yourself." I snorted.


	46. Chapter 46

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is a lot of energy this morning thanks to a cup of coffee and one extra large Monster energy drink! _Yum-o! _I'm running on about two hours of sleep so I need all the help I can get today! IMPORTANT- I made an error in the previous chapters when Bella first discovers she may be pregnant I neglected to mention it was February, and then when Bella went to the doctor she should have only been EIGHT WEEKS along in her pregnancy. Sorry for the errors I miscalculated. =/ My bad. Song for this chapter-"Bound to you"-Christina Aguilera. (The hubby and my wedding song for when we renew our vows…in like 5 years. Hey, it's never too early to start planning this stuff! =] )**

Before I knew it we were in the middle of April, and it was slowly getting warmer each day. Edward was settling in to a new routine at a middle school in Seattle, and we were doing better as well. My faith in us was slowly being restored each day, and I was beginning to trust him again. It helped a lot that he was in a different school, as well as a different city than Victoria. I was now in my sixteenth week of my pregnancy, and there was a definite bump going on. I was mainly wearing sweatpants and t-shirts or tank tops because all of the maternity clothes Alice had bought me (again) were still a little too big. My next ultrasound was in two weeks, and hopefully that's when we'd find out the sex of the baby. Edward wanted a girl, Alice wanted me to have a boy because she was having a girl, but I didn't care. All I wanted was the chance to carry this baby to term, and have it come out healthy. That's all I was asking for.

I was just pulling the chicken parmesan out of the oven when Edward came bursting through the door. "Hey, love. I'm sorry I'm so late. I got held up in a meeting and then the traffic coming home was terrible, and then my phone died as I was getting ready to call you." He explained in a rush walking into the kitchen.

"Okay." I shrugged turning around to give him a kiss. He arched a brow, and just stared at me. "What?" I asked cocking my head to the side. "I…was expecting you to be upset because I'm late getting home, and per our agreement that isn't supposed to happen." He said slowly, looking confused. "You can't help the fact that you got stuck in a meeting at work, or in traffic. Shit happens." I replied with a shrug. I kissed him lightly, and then turned around to get our plates.

"How can I help?" He asked taking the plates from me. "You can set the table for me. What do you want to drink?" I asked as I opened the icebox. "A beer sounds good." He replied. I pulled out a beer for him and the milk for me. I set his beer down on the table, and filled my glass before returning the milk to the fridge. Then I pulled the salad out and set it on the table while Edward grabbed the main dish.

"So what was your meeting about?" I asked taking a bite of chicken.

"The principal and superintendant just wanted to make sure I was settling in okay, and they wanted me to share some future lesson plans with them. This completely took me by surprise because you know I don't really plan that far in advance so I had to pull something out of my ass, and thank god they loved it. But now I'll be spending the rest of tonight in the office making notes for those future lesson plans so I don't forget everything I made up today." He explained.

"Why didn't you just stay at the school and do it while it was still fresh in your mind?" I asked taking a drink of milk. He dropped his fork, and stared at me open mouthed. "What?" I asked with a nervous laugh.

"Are you…feeling okay tonight?" He asked hesitantly. "I'm fine. Why do you ask?" I laughed. "Well, I thought one of the rules was no staying late at school…ya know I'm supposed to bring my work home with me if I have to…that sort of thing." He replied.

I swallowed my food, took a drink, and then looked into his eyes. "I think we should revisit those rules for a few minutes. I'm okay with you staying late at work if you have to; provided that you call me and let me know, and it isn't an every night occurrence. But I'm standing firm on the no female teacher's aide thing." I stated.

"Are you sure about this?" He asked taking a swig of his beer. "Absolutely." I answered with a smile. He grabbed my hand, and gave it a light squeeze. "Thank you." He said softly. "For what? I didn't do anything." I asked with a snort. "For having faith in me, love. I know it's hard for you to do after what happened, and I'm thankful that you're giving me the opportunity to earn your trust back. I was expecting it to take much longer." He explained.

"You haven't earned it all back yet, but we're getting there. I'm sorry if I've been a pain in the ass about it. I've really been trying." I stated. "You haven't been a pain in the ass. I understand completely why you set those rules, and I've been doing my best to not break them. I appreciate you throwing me a bone." He said with a smile.

I laughed and went back to eating. We finished our meal in silence, and while I got to work cleaning up the kitchen Edward retreated to the office to start on the notes for his lesson plans. Once I was finished I decided to join Edward in the office. "Would it bother you if I played the piano?" I murmured leaning over his shoulder to kiss his cheek. "Not at all, love." He replied distractedly. I smiled, and padded over to the piano. I played around on it for awhile settling into a groove of sorts, and then began playing a song I was very fond of.

Sweet love, sweet love  
>Trapped in your love<br>I've opened up, unsure I can trust  
>My heart and I were buried in dust<br>Free me, free us  
>You're all I need when I'm holding you tight<br>If you walk away I will suffer tonight

I found a man I can trust  
>And boy, I believe in us<br>I am terrified to love for the first time  
>Can you see that I'm bound in chains?<br>I've finally found my way

I am bound to you  
>I am bound to you<p>

So much, so young, I've faced on my own  
>Walls I built up became my home<br>I'm strong and I'm sure there's a fire in us  
>Sweet love, so pure<br>I catch my breath with just one beating heart  
>And I embrace myself, please don't tear this apart<p>

I found a man I can trust  
>And boy, I believe in us<br>I am terrified to love for the first time  
>Can't you see that I'm bound in chains?<br>I've finally found my way

I am bound to you  
>I am bound to<p>

Suddenly the moment's here  
>I embrace my fears<br>All that I have been carrying all these years  
>Do I risk it all? Come this far just to fall?<br>Fall

I can trust and boy, I believe in us  
>I am terrified to love for the first time<br>Can you see that I'm bound in chains?  
>And finally found my way<p>

I am bound to you  
>I am, ooh I am<br>I'm bound to you

I had tears in my eyes when I finished, and I quickly wiped them away. That song meant so much to me in terms of my relationship with Edward. I literally felt bound in chains by his love for me, and my love for him. It terrified me at times how much I depended on him, and needed him in my life. I could never imagine a life without him, and that only made it easier to love him.

"The manager from the pharmacy called me today." I mentioned as I played around with the keys on the piano. "He asked if I was coming back to work, or if he should place an ad for a new cashier." I continued.

"So, what'd you tell him?" Edward asked, turning to face me. I smiled nervously. "I told him no." I said quietly. "Really? I thought you wanted to work." He asked. "Well, I've been giving it some thought, and I kind of like being a house wife so to speak. And when the baby comes I really don't think I'll want to go back to work. I just hate the idea of putting our baby in a daycare if I'm able to stay home and take of him or her myself." I explained.

Edward smiled brightly. "You know I won't argue with you. I've told you before you didn't need to work, and frankly I love the idea of you staying home to care for our baby." He said.

"I had a feeling you'd say that." I said closing the lid on the piano. "I've told you from the beginning, Bella. We have enough money saved up, and with me working there really is no need for you to work. You know I've always wanted to take care of you, and this way I get to do that completely." He explained.

"You're so old fashioned." I said with a smirk. He just smiled in return. I stood up, and rubbed my baby bump with one hand as I walked over to Edward. "How's the work going?" I asked kissing his cheek.

"Slowly. Especially with you in here distracting me." He said with another smile. "Okay, okay I get the hint. I'm tired anyway so I'm going to lie down and read for a bit." I replied. I made a pit stop to the bathroom, and then headed into the bedroom. I slipped my pants off, changed into a tank top, grabbed my book and climbed under the covers. Sometime later Edward came into the room yawning loudly.

"I figured you'd be sleeping by now." He said stripping down to his boxers. I smiled wickedly at him, and he shook his head. "Not tonight, love. I'm too tired." I jutted out my lower lip, and batted my eyelashes. "Puh puh pleeease?" I pleaded clasping my hands together. He started laughing and climbed into bed with me. "I'm really tired, love." He said, still smiling.

I put my book down, and slid closer to him. I straddled his waist, and starting planting hot, wet kisses along his neck and chest. He groaned in pleasure and pulled my face up to kiss me passionately. He slid his hands down my sides, and slid them back up; pulling my shirt up in the process. I raised my arms up, and Edward pulled my shirt off; throwing it across the room. He rolled us so he was on top, but he made sure to keep his weight off of me, and the baby.

He started a trail of hot kisses along my jaw line, and neck going further down to my chest and paying special attention to each of my breasts. I moaned in pleasure, and bucked my hips against his enjoying the delicious friction it created. Edward sat up quickly removed his boxers, and then my panties before hovering over me once again. He kissed me deeply as he entered me in one fluid motion causing me to groan into his mouth. He started a slow and steady rhythm and I met him thrust for thrust. It wasn't long before we were rocking faster and faster and then all at once something glorious burst inside of me and I was screaming my release alongside Edward.

He rolled onto his side, effectively breaking our connection as we both tried to catch our breath. "Sweet, sweet victory." I murmured with a smile. Edward only laughed and kissed my head. I got up to go take a shower and when I came back Edward was fast asleep. Well, so much for round two.


	47. Chapter 47

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is a sore back, and a 44 oz Pepsi! Yum-o! Thanks again for all your lovely reviews and for adding my story to your alerts and favs! I'm so glad ya'll are enjoying this story as much I'm enjoying writing it! Song for this chapter-"Misery Business"-Paramore. **

I woke up to someone banging on the front door. It had to be Alice; only she would dare to wake me up at eight o'clock in the morning. I pulled on a tank top and pair of shorts, and padded to the door throwing it open. And there standing before me was a very pregnant, angry looking Alice.

"It's about damn time! I've been banging on this door for nearly ten minutes!" She exclaimed waddling past me into the living room. I shut the door and went to join Alice, sitting in the chair rather than next to her. "What's up momma?" I asked with a smile.

"What's up is I want this fucking kid out of me right now! We're going to the mall and we're going to walk around all damn day if that's what it takes!" She snapped. I threw my hands up in surrender. "Calm down, Alice. Yelling at me isn't going to make anything better." I said trying not to smile. She sighed heavily. "I'm sorry. I'm just really uncomfortable. Will you please go to the mall with me? We can shop for the babies." She asked.

"You realize you still have a full month before you're due right? Are you sure walking around all day is a good idea?" I asked out of concern. "I want to go to the mall. If walking around happens to throw me into labor then great, if not I'll suffer the rest of my pregnancy. Either way I don't really care; I just need to get out of the house." She replied. "Okay, let me get dressed." I replied getting up.

I put on a pair of yoga pants, and the one maternity shirt that actually fit me. It showed my stomach perfectly, and I loved it. I brushed my teeth, put on some light make up, and left my hair down. I put on a pair of flip flops, grabbed my purse and phone, and we headed out. We decided to go to the mall in Port Angeles because they had more shops to choose from; plus there was a Panera bread in that mall, and we both loved that place.

We walked around for a while stopping in a few stores here and there before we decided to grab an early lunch at Panera. I got my usual grilled chicken Caesar salad and Alice got the broccoli and cheese soup. It was nice and warm outside that day so we decided to sit outside while we ate and enjoy the weather.

"So I take it you aren't enjoying not working?" I asked between bites. "It's okay." She shrugged. "It'll be better once the baby is born and I'm actually doing something all day. I don't plan on going back to work either. Jasper and I talked about it, and we both agree that it'd better for the baby if I stayed home with her." She continued.

"Edward and I had the same conversation last night. I'm not going back to work either." I stated taking another bite. "Oh thank god!" She exclaimed. "I know right? We'll both have company during the day, and we can have play dates and stuff!" I said excitedly. Alice clapped her hands together and I laughed loudly.

"Hi, Bella."

I turned my head at the sound of my name, and nearly choked on my food. I swallowed, took a drink, and stood up. "What do you want Victoria?" I demanded a bit harshly.

"Wow, you look great! Pregnancy obviously agrees with you." She said with a small smile. "Thanks." I said curtly. "How far along are you?" She asked. "Four months." I replied shortly, placing a hand on my stomach.

"How's Edward?" She had the balls to ask me. "He's great. He loves his new job in Seattle. We couldn't be happier." I replied. "Oh, well that…that's great. What school is he teaching at now?" She asked.

"That's really none of your business." I snapped. "Right. Of course. I'm sorry. Could you…would you tell him I said hello?" She boldly asked. "No. He's forgotten all about you. It's probably best if you did the same." I said harshly.

"It might be hard for me to do that actually. I'm pregnant as well, and it's his." She declared. "I'm going to need to know where he's working at so I can get in contact with him about this." She continued a little cockily.

"I have no doubt that you are pregnant, but I know it isn't Edward's baby. So I'm not giving you any information about where he works, or his phone number or anything else for that matter. Go find your baby daddy somewhere else before I smack that smile right off your ugly face." I snapped.

"You'll be hearing from me…and my attorney." She said snidely before turning and walking away.

I sat back down, and took a few deep breaths to keep myself from going and attacking that stupid bitch.

"Are you okay?" Alice asked after a few minutes. "Yep. I'm fine actually. Let's finish up here and do some shopping." I replied. "Are you sure because we can always go back home, or to you know Seattle." She suggested. "No, Alice. I'm fine. Really. Let's go do some shopping." I said with more enthusiasm than I felt.

Fifteen minutes later we were walking into Carter's. It was shop for all things baby. Since we didn't know if I was having a boy or a girl yet, I picked out some neutral colored blankets, and onesies. I also bought some burp cloths, socks, receiving blankets, and washcloths and towels. And a really cute dress for Alice's baby girl. We left with so many bags you'd think we'd just bought half the store out. We stopped off in Victoria Secrets for some perfumes, and a few lacy under things, and then went into Motherhood Maternity to look around at some more clothes.

I found a super cute summer dress, a few more tank tops, and a couple pairs of shorts. Alice wanted me to get a bathing suite, but pregnant or not I was wearing my bikini to the beach. I was proud to be pregnant, and I planned on showing it off as much as possible. After that store we decided we'd had enough shopping and walking around for one day so we headed back to my place. Edward was just getting home, so he helped carry up my purchases while I said good bye to Alice.

"Come by tomorrow if you want to get out of the house. We can go to the paint store and pick out colors for the nursery, and then come back and paint." I suggested. "Oh, that's sounds like fun! Yeah, I'll give you a call tomorrow morning. Thanks for going with me today." She stated kissing my cheek.

"Any time Alice. You know that." I replied hugging her. I watched her drive away, and then went back up to our apartment.

I helped Edward put my purchases away, leaving the baby stuff in their bags and placing them on the floor of my closet for now. Once we were done I flopped backwards onto the bed and sighed in relief.

"Long day, love?" Edward asked sitting next to me. "Long, but interesting. Guess who I ran into today." I said propping myself up on my elbows. "I have no idea. Who?" He asked leaning down to kiss my stomach. I smiled and rubbed his head absently as he started talking to the baby. He sat back up after a few minutes, and stared at me. "Okay who'd you see today?" He asked.

"Victoria." I said dryly. He looked shocked for a minute, but then he recovered. "What did she want?" He asked. "She says she's pregnant. She also says it's your baby." I replied quickly.

"Bella, I swear to you I never slept with her." He said seriously. He jumped up and started pacing the floor. "Calm down, Edward. I know you didn't sleep with her. But she says we'll be hearing from her and her attorney so you better prepare yourself to take a paternity test anyway." I replied.

"What?" He blanched stopping instantly. "If she's really pregnant, and she says it's your baby than you're going to have to prove it isn't in order to get out of the legal bindings that would happen. Such as child support, etc." I explained.

"This is absolutely crazy! How can she do this to us?" He demanded, pacing once again. "Well, honey, she's crazy. Crazy people do these kinds of things. Look, don't worry about it alright? We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For right now let's just focus on us, and our little baby. Don't let her ruin our happiness." I stated with a small smile.

"You're right. You're right. Let's talk about something else." He said coming to sit on the bed again. "Okay. What color do you want to paint the nursery?" I asked with a smile. "I hadn't really thought about it. What were you thinking?" He asked with a smile of his own.

"Well, I was thinking of doing an animal theme. So I thought we could paint it a sort of sandy color, and paint elephants, and tigers, and giraffes on one wall." I said thoughtfully. "And what if it's a girl?" He asked. "Oh, well then we could paint it a bright pink, and paint flowers and lady bugs on one wall." I replied.

"You're very creative tonight." He murmured kissing my neck. "I've had a lot of time on my hands to think about this. Alice might come over tomorrow, and we may go to the paint store to start getting some better ideas, but I don't want to buy anything until we know what we're having." I mumbled as he continued kissing down my jaw line and neck.

Within minutes we were both naked rolling around in the sheets. All thoughts of Victoria and her drama, as well as thoughts of the nursery were gone. We concentrated solely on each other for the next hour and then again in the shower. Once we were snuggled in bed for the night I couldn't help but think of Victoria, and what sort of shit she had up her sleeve. But, there was nothing I could except wait it out, and hope for the best.


	48. Chapter 48

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is a very HOT house b/c our a/c completely shot craps on us last night. UGH! On the Brightside I also have a lovely group of reviewers who never cease to make me smile. =] Thanks for that you guys! Song for this chapter- "You lost me"-Christina Aguilera. **

"Bella Cullen."

I stood up at the sound of my name, and followed the nurse to the back of the office. She led me to a small room with an ultrasound machine, and took my blood pressure before leaving me to wait for the doctor. Edward couldn't get a substitute teacher for today which bummed me out, but we had agreed that I would come up and see him once the ultrasound was finished. Alice was kind enough to let me borrow her car for today and I owed her big time. It had been two weeks since my encounter with Victoria, and I was starting to get nervous. We hadn't heard a peep out of her since she spoke to me, and I was beginning to wonder what she had up her sleeve.

A knock at the door pulled me from my thoughts, and I smiled as Dr. Gingrich walked in. "Good afternoon, Bella. How are you feeling?" She asked with a warm smile. "I feel great! I'm excited to find out the sex of the baby." I exclaimed. She laughed and put my chart on the table. "Well, go ahead and lay back on the table and we'll get started." She instructed.

I lay back, and pulled my shirt up and my pants down about an inch so she could tuck the towel into them. She put the goop on my belly, and started the ultrasound. She took some measurements just like last time, and then turned the screen so I could see. "Here's the baby's head, and there's the heart." She said pointing to the screen. She took pictures as she pointed out different parts of the baby, and then she looked at me with a big smile.

"Are you ready to know what you're having?" She asked. I nodded enthusiastically. "It's definitely a girl!" She exclaimed. I squealed excitedly as tears sprang to my eyes. "Congratulations!" She said wiping my stomach off. I pulled my pants up and my shirt down and she helped me to sit up. I wiped the tears from my eyes, and sighed in contentment. A girl! We were having a girl! Yay!

"Here's your pictures, and let's schedule another ultrasound in three months. She's measuring a little big considering you're only eighteen weeks now so we just want to keep an eye on her. It's nothing to be concerned about just means you might be a little further along than we thought." She explained.

"Okay and thank you!" I exclaimed wiping at more tears. I followed her out to the reception desk and scheduled my next ultrasound. As I walked out to the car I pulled my phone out and tried to call Edward, but he didn't answer. No surprise there; he was probably still in class. I drove the whole way to Seattle with the biggest smile on my face. I couldn't wait to tell Edward we were having a baby girl! He would be so excited!

I parked the car, and made my way inside; finding the office with no trouble at all. This was the first time I'd been to this school, and somehow that made me nervous. I walked in and smiled brightly at the secretary. "Hi, my name is Bella Cullen. I'm here to see Edward." I stated.

"I'm sorry; did you say you were Mrs. Cullen?" The secretary asked with a frown. "Yes." I said, a little confused. "Could I see some identification please?" She asked. I set my purse on the counter and pulled out my wallet. "What's the problem?" I asked, handing her my license.

"Another young woman came in about ten minutes ago claiming she was Mrs. Cullen." She explained, handing me my license back. "She's been here before, and we've never met you ma'am so we didn't think anything of it." She handed me a visitor's pass with my name on it, apologized for the inconvenience, and explained where Edward's room was.

I thanked her, grabbed my purse and walked briskly towards Edward's room. I heard voices from within the classroom, and stopped just outside the door.

"I told you not to come back here, Victoria. I meant it." Edward said angrily.

"I had a miscarriage, Edward. I thought you'd want to know that." Victoria replied.

"Why in the hell would I want to know that? You know damn well that kid wasn't mine." Edward sneered.

"I know you care about me, Edward. If you didn't you would have told your wife that I've been coming up here. You've missed me just as much as I've missed you." She said.

"I don't give a damn about you. The only reason I haven't told my wife _yet_ is because she's pregnant and I don't want her trying to kick your ass! You need to leave." Edward demanded. I took a step toward the door, and then stopped as I saw Victoria lean in and kiss Edward. I expected him to push her off right away, and when he didn't tears stung my eyes. But, instead of walking away I walked right into the classroom and slammed my purse down on a near by desk.

They jumped apart, Victoria with a smile on her face, Edward with a doe-eyed expression. Edward quickly turned away from me running a hand through his hair. I'd get to him in a minute. I walked right up to Victoria, made a fist and punched her with as much gusto as I could muster up. It was enough to knock her off her feet. I drew satisfaction in the shocked expression on her face, and the blood running from her lip.

"If you EVER come near my husband again I will kill you! Do you hear me? I will fucking kill you! I will chop you up into tiny little pieces, and feed you to the sharks! He doesn't want you! He has never wanted you and you need to get that through to your tiny fucking brain! STAY AWAY FROM US!" I screamed angrily.

Edward put a hand on my shoulder, and I brushed him off. I turned around and smacked him across the face, grabbed my purse, and walked out. I made my way back to the office, and signed out. I asked for a piece of paper, and wrote my cell phone number on it. "If that woman comes back here would you please call this number?" I asked, handing the paper to the secretary. "Of course." She agreed. I thanked her, and walked out.

I drove back to Alice's house, dropped her car off, and walked home. It was a bit farther than I was used to, but I needed to walk off some steam anyways. I had hoped I'd gotten through to Victoria finally, but somehow I doubted it. My hand was a little sore, and I hoped her face hurt worse. I hoped Edward's face hurt, too. _Asshat._ I knew why he didn't push her away; he was hoping by giving her what she wanted she'd leave, but it didn't mean I had to like it. And then there was the whole thing about this not being the first time she'd been there! She wasn't even supposed to know what school he worked at for pete's sake!

"Bella."

I jumped at the sound of Edward's voice, and turned to his car creeping along side of me. I _so_ needed to pay more attention to my surroundings. "How in the hell did you get here this fast?" I demanded stopping in my tracks. He stopped the car, turned it off and got out. "How do you think? I went as fast as I could." He shrugged.

"You're going to get a ticket one of these days." I muttered. "Would you please get in the car?" He asked after a minute. I could argue with him, but I was already tired. So without a word I turned and got in. He slid into his seat, turned the car on and sped towards home. We rode in silence, and the minute he parked the car I jumped out and headed upstairs with him on my heels.

I walked into the apartment, slipped my shoes off, dropped my purse on the side table, and went to sit on the oversized chair. He followed suit; sitting on the couch as close to me as he could possibly get. Which was still a pretty good distance away; just the way I wanted it. He stared at the floor, occasionally running his hands through his hair nervously.

"I trusted you." I finally said. "I trusted you to tell me if she tried to see you, or talked to you, and you didn't. And then I saw her kissing you, and you didn't even try to fight it. What the fuck, Edward?" I demanded.

"I was shocked at first, and then I just thought if I let her kiss me she would leave. And I didn't tell you about her coming to the school before because I knew it would only upset you, and I didn't want you trying to hurt her. You're pregnant, Bella. You could get hurt in the process." He explained quickly.

"You should have pushed her away, but I understand why you didn't." I sighed. His head shot up. "You do?" He asked, arching a brow. "Yes, but it doesn't make it okay. I don't trust you anymore, Edward." I replied sadly.

"I'm sorry." He whispered. "I hate those words. They don't fix anything, or make anything better. And frankly, I'm tired of hearing you say them." I said bluntly. "The day that I first caught you two together, what would have happened if I had never seen that? If you had never been caught? What would you have done?" I asked quietly.

"Don't do this, Bella." He pleaded. "No, I want to know. What would have happened?" I asked again.

"I was thinking of asking her to dinner that night. And I don't know what would have happened after that." He replied quietly.

"Well, why don't you go ahead and ask her to dinner now. I want you to leave." I stated firmly. I was shocked at how calm I felt while saying that.

"Bella…can't we work this out?" He whispered tears filling his eyes. "What is there to work out, Edward? You wanted her at one point, you lied to me about her, and you kissed her today. I don't trust you anymore; what kind of relationship can we have without trust?" I asked.

"I don't want her, Bella. I want you…just you. We've worked out the trust thing before why can't we do it now? I can prove myself to you again. Just please, please don't do this." He pleaded as the tears began falling from his eyes.

"I don't know, Edward. I think…I think we need a separation for awhile. We both need time to figure out what we want, and how we can achieve that either together or apart. I can't share this home with you and pretend everything is okay when it's not." I explained. Why was I not crying? What the hell was wrong with me?

"We don't have to pretend everything is okay, Bella. But we can work on this. I know we can get through this." He pleaded. "We can still work on us while we're living in different houses. I want you to leave, Edward." I said confidently.

He got up without another word, and went to pack. Twenty minutes later he left in a cab, still crying, but no longer trying to get me to change my mind. It hurt to watch him leave, but I knew in my heart I was making the right decision. We really did need some time apart to reevaluate our relationship, and figure out if we were enough for each other. At one time I would have never pictured my life without Edward, and though it was still hard to picture a life without him I just wasn't sure we would make it through this.


	49. Chapter 49

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. Can I just say that I love flamers? They make me laugh. I'm sorry if you dislike my story that much than don't keep reading it. Duh! *rolls eyes* By the way what does jumping the shark mean? Thank you to everyone else who DOES enjoy my story and continues to leave me lovely reviews that make my day! =] Song for this chapter-"Do I" –Luke Bryan.**

Three extremely long weeks later I was standing in the guest bedroom/soon to be nursery with Alice. Emmett and Jasper were carrying the paint, the tarps and the paint brushes up from the car, and Rosalie was at work. Edward was coming over after he got off work to help the guys put the crib and changing table together. Edward and I were slowly making progress, and we talked almost every day. I missed him terribly, and was nervous to see him today as this would be the first time since I told him to leave.

"Are you sure about this?" Alice asked me for the fifth time that day. She thought my idea for the baby's room was a little too "wild" for a baby. I thought it would be cute. We were painting the room bright pink and putting up a zebra print border. And all of the bedding, and most of her blankets were zebra print as well. I loved the idea, and so did Edward. That was all that mattered.

"Yes. I'm positive." I said with a smile. "Are you sure you should be in here painting with me? Maybe you should sit in the living room and watch TV or something." I asked. "I'm not due for another week, Bella. I'm fine. If I get tired I'll go sit down, but until then I'm helping you just like you helped me with our nursery." She replied.

"I wasn't nine months pregnant when I helped you." I shot back with a grin. "Isabella, you're pushing my buttons." She warned though she was smiling herself. I laughed loudly and went to get a drink. "I can't believe you're going back to work." Alice said following me to the kitchen. I grabbed two bottles of water, and handed her one.

"I have to do something, Alice. I'm sick of sitting around the house by myself." I said taking a drink. "So tell Edward to come home." She said bluntly. "Alice." I groaned. "Don't 'Alice' me! This is silly, Bella, and you know it!" She exclaimed.

"No, it isn't! He kissed her, Alice! He said he would have taken her to dinner if we hadn't caught them! He obviously wants something besides what he has here." I ground out through my teeth.

"And he explained all of that to you! He's really trying, Bella. And I've never seen someone so miserable; except for maybe you." She snapped. "Good! I'm glad he's miserable! He should be after everything he put me through!" I shot back.

"Like you haven't put him through some shit." She retorted. "I've never attempted to cheat on him!" I blanched. "Really? What was Jacob then?" She asked.

"That was different! And he had Tanya then or do you not remember that?" I exclaimed. "All I know is you're both miserable, and there's an easy solution for that. You guys should be happy right now; you're having a baby." She replied.

I sighed heavily, and sat down at the table. "It's not that easy, Alice. I need to know that he loves me, and that I'm enough for him. I don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying that if something goes wrong between us he's going to go outside our marriage. And if that's the case I'd rather it end now before the baby is born than later on when the baby is old enough to understand what's going on." I explained.

Jasper and Emmett came barreling in at that moment, hands full of paint and bags from the paint store. They carried it all into the bedroom, and came back out huffing and puffing. "What time are we supposed to pick up the crib and stuff?" Jasper asked once he'd caught his breath.

"Around three they said." I replied taking another drink of water. "Well, it's going on noon now so we should get started with the painting." Emmett stated walking towards the bedroom again. I took one last drink, and followed them in there.

We spread the tarps on the ground, opened the paint and poured some into two different pans. "God this is a bright color." Emmett muttered. "Did you forget what color you guys picked out for my laundry room? This is dark in comparison." I shot back. He laughed and started painting. Between the four of us we had the whole room done in less than two hours.

Now all we had to do was wait for the paint to dry and then hang the border up. We cleaned all the paint brushes, and pans, rolled up the tarps, and then washed ourselves up the best we could without taking a shower. Alice and I went to the kitchen for a snack while Jasper and Emmett left to go pick up the crib. I made us both a chef salad, and we sat down at the table to eat.

"So are you going to talk to Edward when he gets here?" She asked between bites. "Of course I'm going to talk to him, Alice. I'm not just going to ignore him." I replied with a laugh. She glared at me. "That's not what I meant, and you know it." She snapped. "I don't know." I sighed. "We've been talking. We talk almost every day." I continued taking a large bite of my salad.

"What do you talk about?" She asked. "The baby. His work, my decision to go back to work. He wants to buy me a car." I answered. "So let him. You need one anyway." She said with shrug.

"It doesn't feel right letting him buy me a car when we're…separated." I said with a sigh. "You know I didn't even cry when he left that night? I was oddly calm." I admitted.

"Well, you were emotionally drained, Bella. It happens like that sometimes. Don't beat yourself up about it." She replied. We ate in silence for a few more minutes and I sighed heavily. "I do really need a car though. He's taking a cab all the way from Seattle. Do you know how expensive that's going to be? I told him to take the car, but he refused." I stated.

"Of course he refused, Bella. You're his pregnant wife. He wasn't going to leave you without a car!" She exclaimed. "Has he been taking your car to work every day?" I asked. "Not every day, but mostly. I drive him some days, or Jasper does." She replied.

"I'm sorry, Alice. This is such an inconvenience for you guys." I apologized.

"Don't be ridiculous, Bella. He's my brother, and you're my sister. We would do anything we could to help you, you know that." She replied patting my arm. I smiled and squeezed her hand tightly. "Thanks for all of this, Alice." I said quietly.

A knock at the door interrupted our little moment, and I got up to go answer it. I almost laughed when I saw it was Edward. "You don't have to knock to come into your own home, Edward." I snorted. He smiled nervously, and brushed past me inside. I shut the door, and turned to face him.

"What's that?" I asked pointing to the bag in his hand. He opened it and pulled out an oval shaped zebra print rug. "It's for the baby's room. Is it okay?" He asked with a nervous grin. "Of course it is. I love it. Thank you." I said with a smile. I took it from him, and walked to the bedroom. I laid it down in the middle of the floor, and smiled. I turned around and nearly screamed because Edward was right there.

"Would you come outside with me for minute? I have a surprise for you." He said, another nervous smile playing at his lips. I looked over to Alice who just shrugged with a smile on her face and then turned back to Edward. "Okay." He took my hand, and led me downstairs and out the front door to the parking lot. He stopped in front of black Pontiac G6 and handed me the keys with big grin on his face.

"What's this?" I asked nervously. "This is your car, love. It's brand new, fully loaded, even has a sun roof that you requested, and I made sure to get the four door version because it'd be easier getting peanut in and out that way." He explained excitedly.

"Wait, this…this is mine? How did you remember that I wanted this car?" I asked with a smile that was growing larger by the second. "How could I forget?" He responded sweetly.

"Oh my god! Edward! Thank you! This is…fantastic! But it's too much. I'll pay you back I promise." I exclaimed excitedly. Edward pulled me away from the car and forced me to look at him. Staring in his eyes felt awkward for some reason, but I held his gaze.

"This is a gift for you from your husband. You are not paying me back for this. Are we clear?" He demanded. "But, Edward, what if thi-"

"But nothing, Bella. You're not paying me back for this." He said firmly. "Okay, fine." I reluctantly agreed. Once I'd agreed he released me and I immediately went back to checking out my new car. I opened the drivers' door, and sat inside. He was right; the car was loaded. I even had GPS navigation and onstar, and six changeable CD player, hook up for my IPOD. Everything a girl could want. To say I was pleased would be the understatement of the year.

Jasper and Emmett pulled up in Jasper's truck so I reluctantly pulled myself away from my spiffy car, and went upstairs to open the door for them. I sat in the kitchen and finished my salad with Alice while Edward went and helped the boys put the crib together. I couldn't wait until they got it put up. I had already washed all the bedding for the crib, and couldn't wait to get it on the bed.

"Do you like it?" Alice asked with a knowing smile. "I love it! I can't believe he bought me a car!" I exclaimed. "Oh, I can. I mean, it's Edward we're talking about." She snorted. I laughed and got up to clean up our mess.

Once I was finished with that I went back to check on the progress in the nursery. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they had hung the border, and had the crib together. They were now putting together the changing table. I went to the laundry room, and gathered the zebra print bedding and walked back into the nursery. Alice helped me make up the bed for the crib, and then once the guys were done I put a zebra print sheet on the changing pad.

They guys left shortly after that with Alice on their heels claiming to be worn out from all we had done today. That left Edward and I completely alone, and boy was it awkward. We went and sat in the living room; me on the chair him on the couch end closest to me.

"When do you go back to work?" He asked after several minutes of awkward silence. "Tomorrow morning. Brian hadn't even put an ad in the paper yet, so I got lucky. He said he'd gladly let me come back before trying to hire and train someone new." I replied.

"Well, that's good. I just…thought you said you didn't want to work anymore?" He asked. "I don't really want to, but I'm going crazy just sitting here. And if things don't work out with us I'll have to get a job then so its better this way." I answered quickly.

"Why wouldn't things work out with us?" He asked. "Come on, Edward." I sighed. "No, seriously. Tell me." He demanded. "Look, I'm not saying they aren't going to work out I'm just saying we both know it's a possibility." I snapped.

"Don't you want me, Bella?" He whispered. I closed my eyes, and pinched the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger. "Yes, Edward, I do." I whispered back. I jumped when he grabbed my hand; I hadn't realized he'd gotten up.

"Do you love me? Am I enough for you?" He whispered pulling me to my feet. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and held me tightly against him. "Is my love enough for you?" He murmured in my ear. I felt the baby kick me, and Edward jumped back. "What the hell was that?" He demanded.

I started laughing uncontrollably. 'It was…the baby…she kicked me!" I exclaimed between giggles. "That was her? Is she still moving? Can I feel her again?" He asked coming closer to me. I finally caught my breath, and sat down in the chair, pulling my shirt up. Edward tentatively placed both hands on my stomach, and stared at it; waiting for her to move again. A few seconds later she moved again and Edward's eyes grew as wide as saucers.

We stayed that way for quite a while, and each time she moved Edward's face grew more and more fascinated. It was cute and it made my heart hurt because I knew he'd be leaving soon, and I'd still feel our peanut moving around inside. Tears welled up in my eyes at that thought. It was so unfair to him; he was missing out on so much, and I never intended for that to happen. Edward leaned in, and placed gentle kisses on my stomach, and began talking to peanut. That did it. The tears started flowing rapidly, and I pushed him away from me gently, pulling my shirt down in the process.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." He finally said. "It's not you. It's fine. I'm just emotional all the time lately." I explained. He sat there quietly, waiting for me to calm down which I eventually did. And then he cleared his throat, and got up.

"So, I'll see you in two days right? For the doctor appointment?" He asked. "Yeah. It's at eleven." I said my voice still thick with emotion. I walked him to the door, and when he tried to kiss me I turned my cheek to him. "I love you." He whispered. "Love you, too." I replied, and then shut the door on him. I went straight to bed, and cried myself to sleep.


	50. Chapter 50

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is a 16 oz Monster energy drink and I may even need a second one b/c 9 am came way too early today. =] Thanks again for all your lovely reviews and adding my story to your alerts/favs! And please be patient with Bella, and Edward. =] Song for this chapter-"Waiting"-Adele. **

"Well, everything is looking good for you Bella. Your stomach is measuring at twenty three weeks instead of twenty one, but like I said for the baby we'll keep an eye on you and it may just be that she's a big baby. Which is never a bad thing." Dr. Gingrich said with a smile.

"At least we know she's healthy." Edward said with a smile. "That's exactly right. Do either of you have any questions for me today?" Dr Gingrich asked looking at both of us. We both shook our heads no and I thanked her for her time. We followed her out to the reception area and scheduled our next appointment, and then headed outside.

"Do you want to grab some lunch or something?" Edward asked as I unlocked my car. "Actually Alice is coming over for lunch; she's probably already there knowing her, but you're welcome to join us." I offered with a small smile.

"Yeah, okay …if you're sure?" He agreed hesitantly. "Edward, its fine. It's only me and Alice." I said with a laugh. He laughed nervously, and ran his hand through his hair. "Okay, I'll meet you there." He said walking towards his car. I got in the car and started it, and then pulled out my cell phone to text Alice.

_Edward is coming over for lunch with us. =/ I'm nervous. –B_

_Oohh should I leave? Let you two enjoy each other's company for awhile? -A_

_NO! Don't you dare leave Mary Alice! –B_

_I was kidding! Calm down. I'll be here. –A_

_Thank you! –B_

I dropped my phone back in my purse, and then drove off. I tried not to speed, but it was difficult. I didn't want to show up last, and have those two up there scheming on how to get Edward back home faster. Which I so would not put it past them to do; especially Alice. With that thought I put my foot down on the accelerator and sped the rest of the way home. I was glad to find that Edward wasn't here yet, so I took my time walking up to our apartment. The door was unlocked so I walked on in, and called, "Honey, I'm home." I turned to close the door, and someone came up behind me and covered my eyes.

I'll remove my hands if you can keep your eyes closed, and trust me." Alice stated a smile in her voice. "Is Edward here?" I asked with a sigh. "Not yet. He's bringing the other half of your surprise. Now, take my hand, there you go, and here we go. We're going to walk slowly so you don't run into any walls." Alice instructed, holding my hand and elbow. We were in the nursery; I could tell by the smell of fresh paint. After another couple of minutes Alice released me, and said I could open my eyes. I cracked one eye open, and then the other, and gasped at what I saw. In the corner of the room there was a glider rocking chair; hot pink and zebra print on the fabric.

"Oh my god, Alice! This is fabulous!" I exclaimed. "Where did you find this?" I asked walking over to sit on the chair. I groaned as I sat down; it was _so_ comfortable. I propped my feet up on the stool, and rested my hands on my belly. "Rosalie found it in New York a couple of weeks ago. She bought it and had it delivered to her house. Emmett just left a few minutes ago." Alice explained with a smile.

She reached into the crib, and pulled a hot pink and zebra print diaper bag. I squealed in delight reaching for the bag. "Oh my god! This is too much! What's with all the surprises?" I asked, opening the bag to find pacifiers and a few bottles in it. "You said you didn't want a baby shower. You never said we couldn't get you anything anyway." Alice stated with a shrug.

"Knock, knock!" Edward called from the living room. "We're in the nursery!" Alice called back, her smile growing wider. "Oh man, what else did you guys do?" I asked smiling despite myself. "This one was all Edward. He found it, he picked it out and he's bringing it in here." She stated. I turned towards the door in time to see Edward pushing a hot pink stroller, and carrying a hot pink car seat. I laughed and shook my head.

"I know, I know. I tried my damndest to find zebra print, but I couldn't find it so I settled for hot pink. What do you think?" Edward asked with a grin. I walked over and hugged him tightly to me, and whispered thank you in his ear. Tears were springing to my eyes so I pulled away from him and went to inspect the stroller and car seat. I dried my eyes quickly, and sighed happily.

"I can't believe we have all of this and I'm only going to be five months pregnant." I stated sitting down in the rocking chair again. "Well, we still need a swing, and a bouncer, and a high chair, but this is a pretty good start. Esme said she and Carlisle will take care of the swing and high chair, so all we have to buy is a bouncer and some other small stuff." Edward explained quickly.

"That's not all you have to buy. What about clothes, and diapers, and wipes, and a baby bathtub, and bottles, an-"

"Alice, slow down. We have some time to get all that stuff." Edward said gently cutting her off. "I brought Chinese food by the way." He said as an after thought. I rubbed my stomach, and smiled as the baby kicked me.

"She's moving again." I said softly. Edward grinned from ear to ear, and came over to feel for himself. Alice excused herself saying she was hungry. Edward laid his head in my lap, and placed both hands on my stomach with a smile still on his face. We sat there for a few minutes in silence as the baby moved all over the place. I began running my fingers through Edward's hair, and smiled to myself.

This was how it was supposed to be all the time. Us sharing in little moments like this, being happy. I felt a wave of emotion threatening to overtake me, and I tried to push Edward away. He wouldn't budge though. He did move his hands, and raise his head up just enough to look at me.

"I miss you, Bella." He said quietly. "I miss you, too." I admitted as the first few tears started falling. "Then why aren't we together? Why are we still doing this?" He asked wiping my tears away even as more began falling.

"Because, Edward. I don't know if I can trust you anymore. I don't feel like I'm enough for you, and I'm afraid that if things started going wrong for us you'd turn to another woman just like you did this time." I explained softly.

"I will never do that to you again, Bella, I swear." He said fervently. "You said that before, and then you lied to me about Victoria, and you kissed her. How am I supposed to believe you now?" I asked.

"You said you understood about that. So were you lying to me then?" He asked leaning away from me. "No, of course I wasn't. But just because I understand why you did it doesn't make it okay that you did it in the first place." I replied.

"I know." He sighed. "You really hurt me, Edward. I'm trying to forgive you for that, and to move past it, but it isn't easy." I explained.

"Not to sound like an asshole or anything, but you've really hurt me in the past. And I forgave you and moved past it because you're worth it to me. You're the most important thing in the world to me, Bella. What I need to know is am I enough for you? Am I worth it, and important enough for you to forgive me? Because if I'm not…then I'd rather know now." He said quietly.

"You've always been enough for me, Edward. And you'll always be worth it, and important to me, but I just…" I trailed off.

"You just what, Bella?" He asked. "I just need some more time." I whispered. He nodded his head in understanding. "Then I'll leave, and give you some space to figure things out. I'll be waiting, Bella. Because I love you and I need you. I'll wait for you to love me again." He stated, and then he walked out.

I wanted to run after him, to tell him I did love him and that I wanted him back home, but instead I walked into the kitchen where Alice sat, eating her Chinese food. I pulled my food out, and put Edward's in the refrigerator. I sat down across from Alice, and started eating though I wasn't hungry anymore. About halfway through my food I started crying so hard I couldn't see anything but the tears.

"Do you want me to call him sweetie?" Alice asked squeezing my hand. I shook my head no, and tried to calm myself down. "I think you need him more than you think you do." She said softly.

"I'm scared of needing him so badly, Alice. He can really hurt me." I admitted. "I know it's scary, Bella, but he would never hurt you like he did again. Trust me he's learned his lesson, and he's paying for it more than he should have to just by the guilt he feels. Let me call him." She pleaded.

"No, not yet." I stated firmly. "You're so stubborn!" Alice groaned. I eventually calmed down enough to finish my food, and then I cleaned up our mess. "You're going to have to stop pushing him away at some point Bella. You have to realize he isn't your dad, and he isn't Jacob. He would never do the things that they did to you." She explained. "I know that, Alice." I replied hotly.

"Do you? Because the way you're acting I don't think you do. Yes, Edward screwed up, and he admitted to that and has apologized for it many times. He learns from his mistakes, Bella. He doesn't keep making them." She retorted.

"I'm tired, Alice. I'm going to go to bed." I said dryly. With a heavy sigh and a shake of her head, she hugged me goodbye and left. I took my phone and went to lie down. I was just starting to doze off when my phone chirped.

_Are you alright? –E _

_I've been better. –B_

_What can I do? –E _

_Hold me. Love me. Never do this to me again. –B_

_I'll be there in ten minutes. –E_

_I don't know, Edward. Maybe we're moving too fast. –B_

_It's been over a month, love. Please don't push me away anymore. –E _

_I don't know if I'm ready for this. –B_

_Just for tonight then. We'll take it one day at a time. –E _

_Okay. I can handle that. –B_

_I'm on my way. –E _

I lay there waiting for Edward; thinking about what I wanted to say to him. I knew what my body wanted me to _do_ to him, but I wasn't giving in to that temptation tonight. There was too much at stake, and too much that needed to be said. I got up from the bed and walked out into the kitchen to plug my phone back into the charger. Then I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, and took a long swig. I put the bottle back in the fridge, went to the bathroom, and climbed back into bed. Not long after that Edward came walking into the bedroom; a nervous expression on his face. I smiled at him, and patted the spot next to me on the bed. He smiled back, and climbed into bed. He held his arms open, and I immediately snuggled into his chest.

"Hey beautiful." He greeted quietly. I closed my eyes, and sighed in contentment. Being held by him, with his arms around me felt like home. I had missed him terribly, but I had to keep reminding myself that just because he was here tonight didn't mean he'd be here tomorrow night. Especially after we talked. Which we needed to do before I fell asleep in his arms.

"Okay, love. Let's talk." He said as if reading my mind.

"You hurt me really bad, Edward. And before all this happened I never would have thought you would do something like that. But, now I'm afraid of you having that much power over me. I'm scared it will happen again, and I just…I don't think I could make it through that twice." I explained. "Or, what happens if a few years down the road when the baby is a bit older, and so am I, you decide you want someone else? Someone younger, or better in some way than I am, or who isn't a mother?" I asked.

"I know how badly I've hurt you, Bella, and I can't apologize enough for that. What I can tell you is that it will _never_ happen again, and I will _never_ want anyone but you and our daughter forever. I will spend the rest of our lives together proving that to you." He replied.

"I want to believe you, Edward." I sighed. "Then believe it, love. Stop thinking about the what ifs because they won't ever happen. Just hear what I'm promising you now, and believe that it's true because it is. I will never hurt you again. I will never betray your trust again. I will only ever want you for the rest of my life." He stated firmly.

"You make it sound so easy." I said. "I know it isn't easy, love. I know it's the hardest thing you've had to do in a long time, but I also know you can do it. I know it will take time to earn your trust back, and I'm okay with that. I'm just asking for the chance to prove it to you, and to do that I need to come home. We can take it one day at a time until you're feeling more confident with the situation." He answered quickly.

I looked out the window, and realized it was raining a moment before a loud clap of thunder shook the apartment, and lightening flooded the darkened room for a split second. I sighed heavily, and moved away from Edward. "You're asking a lot of me given the circumstances." I finally said.

"Alice told me what she said to you earlier, and she's right you know. I'm not your father, and I'm not Jacob, but I think you confuse me with them sometimes." He said getting up. "Where are you going?" I asked standing up as well. "I'm leaving, Bella. You're obviously not comfortable with me being here yet, and you've made it clear that you haven't forgiven me. So I'm going to go back to Alice's house and go to bed. You call me whenever you decide what you want." He stated putting his shoes on, and grabbing his bag.

I followed him outside in the pouring rain, yelling his name the whole way. He finally turned around after throwing his bag into the car and yelled, "What? What do you want Bella?"

"I want things to be okay with us!" I yelled back. "Well, that depends entirely on you, Bella! What more can I possibly do or say to make you realize that I'm sorry I fucked up and that I'm trying to make it up to you?" He demanded.

"Kiss me!" I blurted out. He looked surprised, but didn't hesitate. He walked towards me with purpose, cupped my face in his hands, and kissed me. This kiss was rough, and demanding, and perfect.


	51. Chapter 51

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is the need to say thank you to my reviewers for constantly making me smile, and for understanding what this story is all about-real life events and reactions. It's not just a story to me; it's things that have happened in my life that I'm putting in the story. That makes me a little more vulnerable to this story but you guys never disappoint me so again THANK YOU! =] Song for this chapter-"California King Bed"-Rihanna. **

I walked back inside after possibly the most romantic kiss I'd ever had shivering down the bone. I went straight to the bathroom, stripped all of my clothes, and jumped into the hottest shower I could stand. Edward had gone back to Alice's to get the rest of his stuff, and then he was coming home. He was right, and so was Alice. I was treating him as if he was my dad, or Jacob, and that was unfair. I knew him better than that, and though he had hurt me I knew he meant it when he said he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again. I needed to have more faith in us, more faith in him; no matter how hard that might be for me.

I stayed in the shower until the water ran cold, and then changed into sweatpants and a tank top. I ran a brush through my hair, and put it up in a messy bun. I picked up my towel and soaked clothes and put them in the washer. Then I went and climbed back into bed cuddling under the covers to wait for Edward. We still had a long way to go in terms of trust, and communication, but those weren't things to work on while living separately. Besides, I missed him terribly, and I knew that would only get worse as time went on. I was five months pregnant; this was not a time to be miserable.

I was almost asleep when I heard the front door open and shut. A few minutes later Edward came slowly walking into the bedroom, soaked from head to toe from the rain. He smiled at me, and then disappeared into the bathroom. Several minutes later he came walking out butt naked drying his hair with a towel. Though I thoroughly enjoyed watching him prance around in his birthday suit, I forced myself to look anywhere else. We were not having sex until things were right between us, and right now they just weren't. Yes, he was coming home. But, we still had a lot to talk about, and a few things to work on, and I wasn't okay with making love until we were us again.

He slipped on a pair of boxers, and climbed into bed next to me. He slipped his hand into mine, and squeezed it lightly. We lay there, side by side, staring into each other's eyes for a very long time. And the longer we lay there, the sadder I felt inside. We were _right there_, literally inches from each other, but I had never felt more alone, or farther away from him than I did right then. It was like looking at a stranger in some ways. I fought back the tears as long as I could, but they won in the end.

"It's like I don't know you anymore. Here we are so close together, and yet I feel as if we're a thousand miles apart." I whispered. "It'll get better, love. We've been apart for quite a while." He said gruffly.

"So you feel it, too." I stated rather than asked. He nodded slightly. "We've been apart before and this didn't happen." I said quietly. "I didn't nearly destroy us the last time we were apart." He replied pulling his hand away to wipe at my tears. "It'll get better." He repeated. I scooted over and snuggled against him, trying to stop the tears. He started humming my lullaby and eventually I fell asleep.

I woke up late the next morning and was grateful I had taken a shower the night before. I put on a pair of the maternity jeans, and my work shirt and fixed my hair into a tight ponytail. I slipped on some socks, kissed Edward on the cheek, and walked quickly out to the living room. I took my prenatal vitamin, grabbed a pop tart, slipped my shoes on and ran out the door.

I was fifteen minutes late for work, and the day did not get any better. It seemed like every crabby customer came to my register and I was getting bitched out left and right all day long. It didn't help that I was still upset about last night. By the time my shift ended I was ready to quit, but I kept my mouth shut. I had told Brian I would work until the baby was born, and I was going to try and keep my word. Too many more days like today though and I was done. I was the pregnant one wasn't I supposed to be bitchy? Geez! I drove home in a funk, and groaned when I saw Emmett's Jeep, and Jasper's truck.

I trudged up the steps slowly, and walked in with a sigh. Everyone was sitting in the living room talking loudly and laughing. I kicked my shoes off and walked past them to the bedroom, waving as I went. Edward came in shortly after me and closed the door.

"Bad day, love?" He murmured leaning in for a kiss. I pushed him away and took my shirt off. "Okay, well everyone is here and they want to go out for dinner." He said slowly. "And you want to go?" I guessed. "Um, well it is Saturday, and I thought it might be fun for us to go out." He replied hesitantly. I found a cute maternity top and slipped it on.

"I'll go to dinner, but if they want to go to a club or something I'm not going. If you want to that's fine we can take separate cars." I snapped as I redid my hair. "Oh, no. I'm not going near a club without you. Dinner is fine with me." He replied as we walked back out to the living room.

"Are we ready to go?" Alice asked excitedly. I looked at our friends who were all happy and excited to go out, and I sighed heavily. "Actually, I'm not going tonight. It's been a really bad day and I'd just bring the mood down, but Edward is going to go." I stated with a smile I didn't feel.

"I am?" Edward asked, looking at me with a confused expression on his beautiful face.

"Aw, are you sure, Bella? We don't mind if you're a little grumpy." Rosalie said with a smile. "Oh trust me I'd be more than a little grumpy. You guys go! Have fun for me!" I exclaimed. I gave them each a hug, and kissed Edward goodbye. Once they were gone I shut and locked the door, and leaned against it with a heavy sigh.

I walked back to the bedroom, took my jeans off, changed into a tank top, grabbed my book and went back out to the living room. Twenty minutes later there was a soft knock at the door. I marked my page, and got up to see who it was. I looked through the peephole and smiled. "What are you doing?" I asked Edward as I opened the door.

"I got to thinking. What kind of husband would I be if I left my pregnant wife home alone when she's had a very bad day? So, I went to our favorite Chinese place and got your favorite foods, and then I stopped at the market and got your favorite ice cream." He explained with a smile. He held up the beef lo Mein and the Ben and Jerry's ice cream, and I took the ice cream. He laughed and went to the kitchen coming back with a spoon in hand.

Double fudge brownie ice cream always made me feel better, and tonight was no exception. Edward was sitting quietly beside me rubbing my feet as I chowed down on the ice cream. I smiled when the baby started moving around.

"I think the baby likes the ice cream." I said still smiling. He smiled, and placed a hand on my stomach. "Wow she's really moving around in there." He said softly. "I'm telling you, it's the ice cream. It makes everybody happy." I joked. He chuckled and leaned down to kiss my belly.

"I can't believe I almost lost this." Edward said after a while. I finished the ice cream, and set the container on the table. He began rubbing my stomach absently. "You and this baby are everything to me, and I screwed it up. I missed you every night. And every night I thought about how stupid I was, how stupid what I did was." He continued.

"You really didn't sleep with her?" I asked quietly. "No." He replied fervently. "Did you have feelings for her?" I asked. I don't know why I asked him that; I didn't really want to know if he did, but it was out there now. "No, Bella, I didn't have feelings for her. It's like I told you before. I liked the attention that she was giving me, and I liked that I didn't think about what was going on at home when I talked to her. I was afraid, and my way of dealing with it was flirting with some chick at work. I know it's shitty, but that's the truth." He explained.

"Have you heard from her recently?" I asked, and again I didn't know why. The questions just wouldn't stop coming. "Not since the day you knocked the shit out of her." He said with a smile. I grinned back at him.

"You know if you had just talked to me none of this would have happened." I said confidently. "Yeah, I know." He sighed. "Trust me I'm kicking myself in the ass for not doing just that." He continued bitterly. The baby kicked against his hand, and he smiled. "I'll never get tired of that feeling." He said.

"I have a name that I really, really like." I stated biting my lip. "Let's hear it." He replied with a smile. "Raelynn Marie." He thought it over for a few minutes, and then smiled widely. "I like it." He said.

"Really? I like Rae because she's my little ray of sunlight, and it's different which is also what I like about it." I rambled. "I love it. Is that what you want to name her?" He asked, still smiling. I bit my lip, and nodded. "Well, there you go. We have a name for our little peanut." He said kissing my stomach again.

"Yay! Oh, but can we keep it a secret? I want to surprise everyone when she's born." I asked excitedly. "Of course, love." He replied. I leaned up and kissed him lightly on the lips and then leaned back with a smile.

"Do you think you'll be able to get over this?" He whispered when it had gone quiet for a while.

"I'll never forget that it happened, but you wouldn't be here if I didn't think I could get over it. We've been through a lot together, Edward. And you've forgiven me for some pretty bad things, too. You're my best friend and confidante, and if it weren't for all that we've been through I wouldn't be as strong as I am today. I'm drawing on that strength now, and so far it's getting me through this. Not to mention the fact that we're married. We promised each other for better or for worse until death do we part, and I take that very seriously. The way I see it I have two options; kill you or forgive you, and I ain't having this baby in jail." I said with a smile. He chuckled, and wiped a tear from his eye.

"I don't know what I did to deserve you." He whispered. "You might rethink that statement by the time this is all said and done. I'm not going to lie to you, Edward; this is really hard for me. And I can only imagine it's going to get harder. It's going to get worse before it gets better, but again we're married. I'm in this for the long haul, and I need to know that you are, too. This can never happen again, or it will be over between us." I explained seriously.

"I wouldn't be here if I wasn't in it for the long haul, Bella. I meant my vows, too. And I swear to you this will _never_ happen again. I have too much to lose." He said firmly.

"Then we'll work it out, and we'll get through this." I stated confidently. My phone chirped from the kitchen, and I got up to see who it was.

_My water broke! Going to hospital now! –A_

"Oh my god! Edward we have to go! Alice's water broke!" I squealed running to the bedroom to get dressed.


	52. Chapter 52

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. A big fat thank you is in order to my readers for standing up for me against a not very nice reviewer! =] You know who you are, and I appreciate you! Song for this chapter- "Celebrate"- KC and the sunshine band (I think that's it lol). **

Fourteen hours, one epidural, and a C-section later a little baby girl was brought into the world. She weighed in at eight pounds four ounces, and she was twenty two inches long. She was completely bald, with the bluest eyes anyone had ever seen. They named her Lillyan Elizabeth Whitlock, and she was perfect. Currently, Uncle Edward was rocking her in the corner of the hospital room, with daddy Jasper hovering over her protectively. Emmett and Rosalie had left a little while ago, and I was sitting on the edge of Alice's bed, holding her hand as we both cried tears of joy.

"I can't believe she's finally here! It seems so surreal." Alice exclaimed. "Just wait until she wakes you up at three in the morning. It'll be very real then!" I exclaimed with a laugh. Alice laughed and squeezed my hand. "I'm so glad you're here, Bella." She said softly. I stifled a yawn, and smiled at her. "Me, too. There's no where else I'd rather be." I replied. I yawned again, and Alice laughed.

"Except maybe at home in bed. You guys have to be tired. You've been up as long as we have." She stated looking for a clock. "It's just after eleven am, sis." Edward said giving his sister a smile.

"Oh, you guys have been up here since nine o'clock last night. You should go home and get some sleep. Jasper take Lilly from him so they can go." Alice demanded.

"The boss has spoken, man." Jasper said with a grin as he reached down and scooped Lilly up carefully. Edward stood up and stretched out his muscles, yawning loudly in the process. I stood up and stretched my body as well, and then gave Alice a hug and kiss on the cheek, and then did the same with Jasper. We said our congratulations and goodbyes, and headed down to the car.

We were both quiet on the way home, and though I could have easily fallen asleep I stayed awake; I was a little nervous that Edward might doze off and wreck the car. Once home we trudged up the stairs, unlocked the door and stumbled in. By this time I didn't know how I was keeping my head up I was so tired. I kicked my shoes off, and then started undressing on my way to the bedroom. Edward chuckled behind me and started picking up my clothes as he followed me.

"If I wasn't so tired I'd say this is a huge turn on for me." Edward muttered walking into the bedroom with my clothes in his hand.

"Oh! I'm so sorry! That wasn't why I did …I mean, I'm not ready to…I don't think we've made enough progress to…oh fuck it." I mumbled with a sigh. Edward laughed and climbed into bed next to me, brushing his fingertips along my cheek.

"Relax, love. It was just a joke. I don't think we're ready to go that far yet either." He said kissing my cheek. I sighed heavily, and lay down besides him. He scooted closer to me and wrapped an arm around my waist.

"I must admit though, that was very sexy." He murmured in my ear. "Go to sleep!" I snorted. "You're going to have to do that again some time when we aren't practicing abstinence." He said quietly waggling his eyebrows up and down. I bit back my laughter, and rolled my eyes.

"But, next time could you take the underwear off, too? I mean, it's a nice little strip tease when you leave them on, but when you take them off it-"

"Edward Cullen! .Sleep!" I demanded with a laugh. "How can I go to sleep? You keep talking about taking your clothes off. It's very distracting." Edward said defensively.

"I am not the one who keeps talking about that! Go to sleep before I kick you to the couch!" I exclaimed with a grin. "Hey, it isn't just your vote that counts anymore you know. Raelynn gets a vote, too, and I bet she doesn't want her daddy to be kicked out of bed." He said with a smile of his own.

"She's sleeping or I'd prove it to you." I countered. "Ha! We'll see about that." He said sliding down so his head was level with my stomach. He kissed it, and then started whispering to her. Almost instantly she started moving around. I smiled, and started running my hand through Edward's hair.

The next few days flew by in a blur. We went to work, came home long enough to change clothes and went up to the hospital to see the baby. We spent our afternoons and most of our evenings up there visiting. Today was no exception; we didn't even go home to change. As soon as we walked into their room, I walked over and picked Lilly up out of her bassinet. Edward gave me a dirty look and I just laughed at him. He was pretty attached to Lilly already, and usually he got her to before I did. Not today though; sucker.

"How's it going?" I asked softly so as not to startle the baby. "It's great. She only woke up once last night to eat, and then she slept the rest of the night. She's more alert today than she has been, too." Alice replied with a smile. I looked down at Lilly who was staring wide eyed at the ceiling, and smiled.

"We get to go home today." Jasper stated with a grin. "Oh, that's awesome!" I exclaimed.

"Yeah, so we were thinking that maybe we'd come over to your place, and you could make your famous chicken parmesan." Alice said with a smile.

"Don't you want to go home and get settled in?" Edward asked.

"We can get settled in later tonight. We have something we want to talk to you guys about anyway, and I'm really craving that chicken, Bella." Alice said. I laughed. "Sure, Alice that's fine. When do you get to leave?" I asked.

"Well the doctor was here about twenty minutes ago, and she was going to get the discharge papers. So I would imagine any time now." Jasper replied.

"Well, we should probably get going then." Edward said standing up. I got up slowly, and handed Jasper the baby. I gave Alice a hug, and as we were walking out the doctor was walking in with a bunch of papers.

We went home, and I took a shower and changed into shorts and a tank top. Edward was in the kitchen, staring inside the refrigerator. "What are you doing?" I asked with a smirk.

"I was going to try and start dinner for you, but I have no idea how to make it." He admitted with a laugh. "It's a good thing I didn't marry you for your cooking skills." I joked, kissing his cheek.

"I'm gonna go to take a shower and let you work your magic in here." He said walking away. I laughed and shook my head. I put the chicken on to boil, and pulled out the rest of the ingredients. Twenty minutes later I had everything put together, and was putting it in the oven when there was a knock at the door.

"Hey guys!" Edward greeted. I smiled and walked out into the living room. "Hey! Finally busted out of there huh?" I joked giving Alice a hug.

"It was tricky smuggling a baby out, but we managed." Alice said with a smile. "Do you want to put her in the crib? She might be more comfortable in there." I offered taking a sleeping Lilly from her car seat.

"Uh, yeah. That would be great. Thanks, Bella." Alice replied handing me the baby's blanket. I took Lilly into the nursery, and laid her down on her back, covering her up. I watched her sleep for a few minutes, rubbing my stomach absently. I couldn't wait for my own baby girl to get here, but for now holding Lillian and spending time with her would be enough to get me by.

"Dinner should only be about forty-five minutes guys." I said walking back into the living room. "Sounds good. Hey, why don't you come sit with us for a few? Jasper and I really need to talk to you both about something." Alice stated. I arched a brow, but went to sit beside Edward on the couch.

"You know how much you guys mean to us, right?" Jasper asked with a small smile. "And how much we love the fact that we're so close." Alice added.

"Of course we do. You guys mean just as much to us as we do to you. I mean, it's not that we aren't close to Emmett and Rosalie, but you two are our best friends as well as our siblings. We feel very close to you both." I said as Edward nodded in agreement.

"Well, we're glad you feel that way because we want you to be Lillian's Godparents for all intents and purposes. That would mean if something happened to Jasper or myself you guys would get guardianship of Lilly." Alice said with a wide smile.

"Are you serious?" "Are you sure?" Edward and I said at the same time.

"Yes, we're serious, and sure. We've been talking about this for a long time, and there's no one else we trust enough to handle this. Rosalie and Emmett are great, but they aren't even sure they want kids, and they both travel a lot for work." Jasper explained.

"Yeah, but…"

"But nothing! I know you guys have had your ups and downs, and believe me we took that into consideration, but we're absolutely sure about this. Esme and Carlisle have already done their fair share of parenting now is the time for them to enjoy their lives. You two are as close to us as we could ever get for Lilly. We share a lot of the same interests and ideas on parenting, we have the same values, and we have the same beliefs. That's all important to us, and like you said we're best friends. We couldn't ask for better Godparents than the two of you." Alice explained with a smile.

I had tears in my eyes by the time she'd finished. This was a big deal, and a huge responsibility, and the fact that they chose us was overwhelming, but in a good way. I felt very honored, and I knew Edward was feeling the same way. I looked over at him, and he nodded slightly with a smile on his face.

"We would love to be Lillian's Godparents!" I exclaimed. "Yay!" Alice exclaimed clapping her hands together. She came over and hugged me tightly, and then hugged Edward as well. We sat and chit-chatted for a bit, and then I went into the kitchen to make the salad we'd be having with the chicken. Once that was through, I set the table, and pulled the chicken from the oven.

"Guys dinner is ready!" I called out. They walked in, and we sat down to eat. We ate mostly in silence because Alice was afraid we wouldn't hear Lilly if she woke up. Once dinner was done Alice helped me clean up the kitchen, and then we all sat in the living room again. They stayed for another couple of hours and then decided to head home for the night. I promised Alice I'd come see her after work tomorrow and hugged her goodbye.


	53. Chapter 53

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is the need to start packing because we are leaving tomorrow to go camping for the weekend! Which means this will be my last update until Sunday or Monday. So please leave me lots of love while I'm away! =] Song for this chapter-"Never too late"-Three Days Grace. **

I woke up to someone banging furiously on the front door. Knowing it was Alice I quickly jumped up and ran to the door. She'd been having a rough time adjusting to motherhood the last few weeks, and I was thinking she had post partum depression.

"I wanted to throw her against the wall! She wouldn't stop crying after I fed her, and I wanted to hurt her! What the hell is wrong with me?" Alice sobbed handing me Lilly and walking on in. She walked over to the couch, sat down and put her head in her hands crying hysterically. I took Lilly into the nursery and put her in the swing. She settled down almost immediately, so I turned on the baby monitor and walked back out to Alice. I sat down next to her, and put my arm around her shoulders; hugging her to me as she cried.

"This isn't the first time I wanted to hurt her, Bella. It's been getting worse over the last two weeks. I just haven't told you because I've been so ashamed. I don't think I'm cut out to be a mother. And not only do I want to hurt her, I want to hurt myself! I want to die, Bella! What am I supposed to do?" She cried.

"Let me call Carlisle, okay? He'll know what to do." I said. She nodded in agreement and I walked into the kitchen. I also had to call my boss and tell him I wouldn't be again today. Lilly had been staying the night with us since she was a week old; we had everything including clothes and diapers here to take care of her. Because she's stayed with us so much I've missed a lot of work, and I had a feeling today would be the last straw with Brian.

I called Carlisle first, filling him in on what's been going on and he said he'd be right over. With a sigh I hung up and then dialed Brian's number.

"Yeah?" He greeted.

"It's Bella." I stated. "Oh, no you are not calling off again, Bella. I mean it, I really need you today." He said angrily.

"I can't come in, Brian. We have a family emergency." I said with a sigh.

"You've had a lot of those recently." He said dryly. "What's your point?" I asked.

"My point is that I don't believe you, and if you don't come in today you're fired." He declared.

"Looks like I'm fired then." I said and hung up. I felt sort of relieved to not have a job anymore. I hadn't wanted to work anyway so this was just fine by me. I walked back out to the living room and found Alice in the same position I'd left her in. With a sad sigh I went to sit next to her.

"Carlisle is going to hate me when he finds out what I've been thinking." She whispered. "No he won't sweetie. He's a doctor. He'll recognize right away what's going on. This isn't you, Alice. You don't want to hurt Lilly, or yourself. It's a chemical imbalance in your brain causing you to have these thoughts." I replied.

"So, I'm not going insane? It's fixable?" She asked quietly.

"You are not going insane, and yes it's fixable." I answered quickly.

"Jasper is going out of town tonight. He'll be gone for a whole week. I'm afraid to be alone with Lilly." She admitted. "You can stay here with us. We already have everything Lilly will need so all we'll have to do is pick up some clothes for you." I said. There was a knock at the door, and then Carlisle walked in. Alice started crying all over again. I squeezed her hand reassuringly, and motioned for Carlisle to sit.

"Alice, tell me what's going on." Carlisle demanded gently. She shook her head and looked at me in despair. I squeezed her hand again, and looked at Carlisle.

"I think its PPD, Carlisle. She's been depressed for a few weeks now, and she said for the last couple of weeks she's had thoughts of suicide, and she's wanted to hurt the baby. She came over today and said she wanted to throw Lilly against the wall because she wouldn't stop crying." I explained.

"Alice? Is this true?" Carlisle asked. "Yes!" She cried rubbing her hands over her face. "I don't know what to do! I'm afraid to be alone with my own daughter because the thoughts get so bad, and I'm afraid I might actually do it! Jasper has been taking care of her full time when he's at home because I can't make myself do it, and when he's gone I come over here. I just want to it stop, Carlisle! I don't want to feel this way anymore!" She exclaimed.

"Okay, well the good news is that we can stop it. We can fix this, but I can't do it. You're going to have to come with me to the hospital, and probably stay for about a week so they can get your medicine right." He explained softly.

"No! I'm not going to the hospital!" She exclaimed. "I can't do that, Carlisle! You know how I feel about hospitals! I can't!" She exclaimed jumping up off the couch.

"Alice, you know I wouldn't suggest going if it weren't important. Think about Lilly! She needs her mommy to be well, and happy. You can't keep going like this." Carlisle replied gently.

"No! I'll be fine! I just needed to vent a little bit. I'll go get Lilly and we'll go back home. I'll be fine." She stated walking towards the nursery.

"Alice, I can't let you leave with Lilly. Not after what you just told me." Carlisle said firmly.

"What?" She blanched turning back around. Carlisle gave me a pointed look and I immediately went and stood in front of the nursery door; blocking Alice from getting through.

"She's _my_ daughter! You can't keep me from taking her home!" Alice exclaimed angrily.

"I can, and I will. Now, we can do this the easy way; where you walk out the door with me, or we can do it the hard way; where I call an ambulance and you leave here strapped to a gurney. It's entirely up to you, but either way you're going to the hospital." Carlisle said.

Alice turned me, giving me a helpless look. I shrugged my shoulders. "You need help, Ally, and you would do this for me." I said softly. "I'm scared." She whispered as tears rolled down her cheeks. Disregarding the look Carlisle shot me I walked over and hugged her tightly to me.

"You're strong, Alice. You'll get through this, and come out a better mother because of it. But, you have to get help. This isn't something that will fix itself so you need to be strong for Lilly and do this." I stated encouragingly.

"Will you take care of Lilly for me? I'll call Jasper on the way to the hospital, but I know he can't come home. This is the most important meeting of the year." She asked. "You don't even have to ask that, of course I'll take care her." I replied squeezing her tighter. She hugged me back just as tightly, and then kissed my cheek.

"Okay, let's do this before I change my mind." She stated pulling away from me. She went into the nursery and kissed Lilly goodbye, grabbed her purse and followed Carlisle out the door.

Lilly woke up shortly after they left so I made her a bottle, changed her diaper and sat on the couch to feed her. Being only a month and a half old she didn't eat much, but she did eat fast. Once she was done I set the bottle on the coffee table, and lay back on the couch with her on my chest. A little while later my phone chirped from the kitchen so I got up slowly to get it. I had two texts; one from Alice and one from Edward.

_Jasper isn't going on the trip after all. He said he'll come get her, but it'll be late. –A _

_Okay. Good luck sis! –B_

_Thanks. –A_

I scrolled down and looked at the one from Edward.

_Going out to dinner with some coworkers. Don't know what time I'll be home. –E_

_Are these coworkers men or women? –B_

_Really, Bella? –E _

_Yes, Edward. Really. –B_

_Forget it I'll come home. –E _

I rolled my eyes and went back to the living room. I turned on the radio, and laid back down on the couch with Lilly. I was a little sad that Jasper was coming to get her, but I was also glad that he would be here for Alice. Twenty minutes later Edward came storming through the front door. He shot me a dirty look, and went to the kitchen. With a sigh I got up and took Lilly back to the nursery. I laid her down, covered her up, and grabbed the monitor. When I walked back out to the living room Edward was sitting on the couch with a beer in his hand.

"I'm not allowed to ask you questions now?" I asked crossing my arms. "You're allowed to do whatever you want apparently." He snapped taking a swig of his beer. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I demanded.

"Can we not do this now?" He asked with a sigh. Oh, he was so not getting off that easily. "I want to know what you meant by that last comment." I demanded.

"It means I don't ask you if there's guys involved in anything you do!" He snapped. "I'm sorry, Edward! I'm having a difficult time trusting you after the whole Victoria thing. I thought you understood that!" I snapped back.

"I thought we were over that!" He exclaimed. "Really? If I had done something like that would you be over it already?" I demanded. "No!" He admitted reluctantly. He sighed heavily and took another drink of his beer.

"I'm sorry." He said after a few minutes. I walked over and kissed him on the top of his head. "You're going to have to give me some time to get over this, Edward." I said staring into his eyes. "I know, love. How long do we have Lilly bug this time?" He asked with a grin.

"Jasper is coming to get her, but it won't be until late tonight." I replied. I sat down next to him, and filled him in on what had happened with Alice. We ordered Chinese and watched a lifetime movie until Jasper showed up around eleven, then we went to bed.


	54. Chapter 54

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I did have was an AMAZING time on our little 2 day camping adventure! It's nice to get away even if just for a day or two. Thanks to all my reviewers and to all of those who added my story to their alerts! Song for this chapter-"Let's stay together" –Lyfe Jennings. **

"I can't believe you are seven months pregnant already!" Alice exclaimed rocking a fussy Lilly on the couch. She'd been doing great since she stayed in the hospital for that week, but she still came over nearly every day since neither of us had jobs, or lives.

I rubbed my beach ball of a stomach and laughed. "Trust me, Alice. I have no trouble believing I'm seven months pregnant. I feel like a beached whale. What I can't believe is that my Lilly bug is two months old already!" I declared with a big smile. Alice smiled back at me and nodded.

"How are things going with you and Edward? I know you said last week they were a little rocky." She asked still trying to calm Lilly down. "Let me go get the swing. She loves that thing." I commented as I got up. I walked into the nursery, grabbed the swing, and brought it back out to the living room with Alice objecting the entire time.

"You shouldn't be lifting things like that, Bella." She chastised. "I'm pregnant. Not handicapped." I snorted taking Lilly from her. I kissed her chubby cheek, and smiled at her as I put her in the swing and turned it on. Within minutes she was as calm as she could be sucking on her pacifier.

"You're avoiding the question." Alice commented. I sighed heavily. "I don't know what's going on anymore. He got mad at me that night you went into the hospital because he wanted to go out with coworkers, and I asked him if there would be women there. Ever since then he's been awkward and a little distant, and I just don't get it. I told him I needed time to deal with the whole Victoria thing, and he said he understood, but I don't think he really gets it. And we haven't made love since he's been back home either." I explained.

"Have you really been trying to get over the Victoria thing, or do you still hold it over his head? I mean, I get that you're worried about him hanging around women, but if there are going to be guys there, too, then it's just a group of coworkers going out to unwind after work. You're going to have to start trusting him again at some point." Alice stated.

"By holding it over his head do you mean asking if women are going to be involved in whatever he wants to do after work or at work or whatever?" I asked biting my lip. She nodded. I groaned and put my head in my hands. "It's _so_ hard, Alice! I'm terrified of him being around women anymore. I never used to care because I never thought he would do anything like what he did, and now I feel like I've turned into a nagging, insecure, jealous bitch." I muttered.

"You're not a nagging, jealous bitch. You are insecure, but that's expected after what he did okay? But, like I said you have to start trusting him at some point, and you have to know that you aren't always going to be able to control whether or not he's around women. He's going to bump into women everywhere, Bella. We make up half the population you know. A good place for you to start would be to let him go out after work, and not badger him with questions when he gets home. Let him want to tell you about his night out. Don't make him feel like he has to report back to you." She explained. "And you have to accept that he's not going to tell you every little detail. He isn't wired that way. He'll tell you the important things, but he isn't going to relay everything that was said and done while he was gone." She continued.

"You're right; I know you're right." I said hesitantly. "I know it's going to be hard for you sweetie, but it'll get easier as time goes on. But if you don't start throwing him some rope you're just going to be stuck in this cycle forever. That's no way to live your lives; neither of you are happy that way." She said sympathetically.

"What time is it?" I asked. "Almost three." She said looking confused. I got up, went to the kitchen to grab my phone, and then came back into the living room. "He'll be texting me pretty soon. Every Friday afternoon he asks if he can go out after work. I've always told him no, but I'm going to take your advice and let him have some fun tonight." I explained.

"Why wait for him to ask you? Text him and suggest that he go out." She suggested. I thought about it for a minute, and nodded. I pulled the messaging up and sent him a text.

_Why don't you go out with your friends tonight? –B _

…_Really? –E _

_Yeah. Go have fun. –B_

_What about you? –E_

_I'm a big girl. I'll be okay. I'll find something to do. Really, it's fine. Go have fun. –B_

_I love you. –E_

_Love you, too. –B _

I bit my lip, and stared at Alice. She smiled reassuringly and patted my leg. "It'll be fine, Bella." She stated after a minute. "I know. It's just hard." I said with a slight nod.

"Hey, you wouldn't feel like watching Lilly all night would you? I was thinking of having a date night with Jasper." She asked with a small smile.

"Are you kidding? It just so happens I have the entire evening and all day tomorrow free. I would love to watch Lilly bug for you." I said with a smile. "You are the best friend a girl could ever ask for you know that?" She said.

"I try." I laughed. "Maybe tomorrow afternoon we can get the boys to watch Lilly and we'll go get manicures and pedicures. My treat of course." She suggested. "That sounds lovely. I am way overdue for a pedicure. I was thinking about getting a Brazilian wax again; like when it's closer to my due date." I said.

"Oh yeah I need one, too. We could ask Rosalie if she wants to go, and we could make it a full spa day. That way you'll look beautiful while you're in labor." She said with a smile. I laughed and shook my head.

"I want to cut my hair." I said after a minute. "What? No!" Alice blanched. "I'm serious! I'm ready for a change. I'm getting ready to go through a major change anyway with the baby coming, and I want to start fresh. I want a bob cut with the front a bit longer than the back." I explained.

"Well, that would look really cute on you. Want to do that tomorrow, too?" She asked. "Yeah! But let's not tell the boys. I want to surprise Edward." I exclaimed. "Deal. Well, I better get going. I need to go home and get ready for my date night with Jasper." She said with a smile. She walked over to Lilly, who was sleeping peacefully, and kissed her on the head. Then she gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek and left.

I turned the television on and watched the news for a bit, but I was feeling restless. It was the middle of August which meant it was beautiful outside, and I didn't want to be stuck in here all evening. After debating for a bit, I decided I wasn't going to stay home. Lilly and I would do something even if it was just going for a walk. I went into the nursery and pulled the stroller out. I left the door open, and carried the stroller down the stairs to the door, and walked quickly back up to collect Lilly and my purse. After making sure I had everything I needed for her in the diaper bag, I grabbed it, my purse and Lilly and made my way downstairs. I put Lilly in the stroller, and the diaper bag and my purse in the bottom of it and headed into town.

I was right; it was beautiful outside. I was so glad I decided to get out and enjoy the weather. As I walked into town I saw the local barber shop, and decided I didn't want to wait until tomorrow to get a hair cut. I crossed the street, and made my way over to the shop.

"Hey there! What can I do for you?" A girl at the counter asked with a smile. I smiled back, and replied, "I want to get a bob with the front longer than the back, and some caramel highlights put in."

"Great! I'm Ashley I'll be your hairdresser today. Follow me on over here and we'll get started." She said walking towards a booth. I pushed a still sleeping Lilly over towards the booth, and then sat in the chair. I was hoping Lilly would stay asleep for the length of time it would take to get my hair done; which shouldn't be a problem she slept a lot still. And if she did wake up I'd just have to take a break to feed her and she'd be fine.

"You've got some beautiful hair here, are you sure you want to cut it all off?" Ashley asked. "I'm positive." I said with a firm nod. She shrugged, and started chopping.

"So how far along are you?" She asked after a while. "I'm seven months. Due in October." I replied with a smile. "So this little one here can't be yours then right?" She asked. "No, she belongs to my best friend. I'm just babysitting." I answered.

Once she was done with the hair cut she started on the highlights. It didn't take long to get the color on my hair; it was the waiting that took the longest. Almost an hour later she rinsed the color from my hair, blow dried it, and styled it. "Okay, what do you think?" She asked apprehensively. I looked in the mirror, and was a bit shocked at first. But the longer I stared, the more I liked it. It was very different, and that's exactly what I was going for.

"I love it!" I exclaimed with a wide smile. She smiled back, and I followed her to the counter to pay. I gave her a generous tip, and then made my way back home. Lilly should be waking up soon, and I was starting to get hungry myself. Once inside I grabbed the bags and Lilly and walked upstairs. I put Lilly back in the swing, and went back downstairs to retrieve the stroller. I put it back in the nursery closet, and sat down on the couch for a few minutes.

Lilly started to stir so I made her a bottle, and got a diaper and the wipes out of the diaper bag, and picked her up. She opened her eyes, and smiled a big gummy smile at me which in turn made me smile. I changed her diaper quickly, and then held her close to feed her. She ate quickly and I burped her and then put her back in the swing so I could eat.

I went to the kitchen and made myself a big salad, and brought it back into the living room to eat. I turned the radio on, and sat on the couch to eat. By the time I'd finished eating Lilly was sleeping again. I went back into the kitchen, and washed my dishes and then went to change. I pulled my pants off, then my shirt and was just putting a tank top on when I heard the front door open and close. I smiled and walked out to the living room.

The minute Edward saw me his mouth nearly hit the ground. "What…why…" He stopped, cleared his throat and tried again. "You look beautiful." He said with a wry grin. "Gee, that's convincing." I muttered walking over to give him a kiss. He cupped my face in his hands, and stared into my eyes. "You look more beautiful than words can say." He whispered and then bent down to kiss me. He pulled me as close as my stomach would allow, and deepened the kiss with a groan.

I kissed him back with all the passion I had, and then abruptly pulled away. He groaned again, but this was in disappointment. It was a sound I was becoming quite familiar with lately. He walked over and sat on the couch rubbing his hands over his face. I bit my lip, and went to sit beside him.

"Did you have fun tonight?" I asked after a several minutes of tense silence. "Yes, it was great actually." He replied with a small smile. "Good. I'm glad." I said tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. He turned my face so I was looking at him. "I know it wasn't easy for you to do what you did, and I just want you to know that I appreciate it. But, we really need to talk." He said quietly. I just stared at him, waiting for the worst.

"I know that I'm to blame for how you've been acting with me, and for why we haven't made love. And as much as I'd like to say differently, I don't understand. I've been trying everything I can think of to make things better between us, but it seems as if nothing is working. It's been several months since this whole thing started, but the way you're acting it's as if it were yesterday. You've asked for time to adjust, time to deal with it, and I think I've been very fair in giving you that time. I've tried to be as patient as I can be, but I've just about run out of patience. I need to know, Bella. I need to know if we can salvage this relationship. Because the way it feels right now it's over, and I don't want that." He explained.

"I thought that by telling you to go out tonight I was showing you that I've dealt with it. I'll admit I haven't been very fair with you lately, but I didn't know how else to be after what you did. I told you to go out tonight because I want to trust you again. I want things to be better between us more so now than ever before because we have a baby on the way." I replied quietly.

"I don't want the baby to be the reason we stay together, Bella!" He exclaimed. "I didn't say that, Edward!" I said angrily.

Lilly starting stirring so I picked her up, and took her to the nursery crib. I laid her down, covered her up and grabbed the baby monitor. I walked back out to the living room, and sat in the oversized chair rather than next to Edward.

"I know I haven't been fair to you, Edward, but what about the way you've been acting since last month? You've been distant, and almost cold to me. I don't deserve that." I said my voice becoming thicker with emotion as tears welled in my eyes. "Because I feel like I'm losing you, Bella! Nothing is getting better; if anything its gotten worse! I don't know what to do or how to act or what to say around you anymore!" He exclaimed.

"That's the whole problem right there, Edward! You don't talk to me you just assume things! And you just expect everything to go right back to normal! It doesn't work like that, Edward! You have no idea how hard this has been on me! How much I want to trust you, or how much I want to forget what happened! And then just when I reach out to you, you tell me you don't know if this going to work? What the fuck am I supposed to say that?" I yelled as the tears spilled over. "I don't want to lose you! I told you before you're my best friend, and my husband and soon to be the father of my child! I don't want it to be this way, but I am trying! If that's not good enough for you than fine. Leave." I continued, my voice breaking on the last word.

He got and walked over, kneeling in front of me. He cupped my face in his hands forcing me to look at him once again. "I don't want to leave. I want to be right here with you every step of the way. Forever. That was my vow to you, and it still is. I love you, Bella. Why isn't that enough for you?" He asked tears spilling from his eyes.

"It is! It's always been enough. Loving you and trusting you are two different things, and I'm working really hard at trusting you again. But you have to let me do it my way, in my own time. That doesn't mean you're losing me, Edward. It means I'm doing everything I can to keep what we have and make it better in the long run." I explained.

He nodded his head, and hugged me tightly to him. "I'll try harder." He whispered after a few minutes. "Me, too." I whispered back, hugging him tighter to me.


	55. Chapter 55

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is a major headache which means I should go to bed, but I'm enjoying writing after being away for a couple days so here I go. Song for this chapter-"Girls just want to have fun"- Cyndi Lauper.**

I awoke with a start late the next morning, and jumped out of bed; worried because I hadn't heard Lilly crying. I was on my way to the nursery when I heard Edward laughing. I poked my head around the corner and saw him sitting on the couch playing with Lilly. Alice and Jasper were here and they were laughing as well. I went back into the bedroom and put on a pair of shorts and then walked back out into the hall.

"Alice, close your eyes." I demanded. "Why?" She asked. "Just do it." I demanded again. "Okay." She called after a second. I walked out to the living room shushing Jasper as he started to comment on my hair. I stood right in front of Alice, and said, "Okay you can open them now." She looked up at me and let out a squeal of delight.

"Oh my god! Turn around! Turn around!" She exclaimed. I turned around so she could see the back, and then turned back around with a smile. "You look amazing! I love it!" She exclaimed hugging me.

"Thanks. Lilly and I got bored yesterday so we decided to go into town and chop off my hair." I explained sitting next to Edward. "Aw, her first time in a beauty shop. How'd she do?" Alice asked with a smile. "She slept the whole time." I replied.

"That's my girl." Jasper said with a smile. "Please, she's going to love going to the beauty shop." Alice snorted.

"Why didn't you wake me up? I could have tended to her this morning." I asked Edward. He shrugged. "You got up with her twice last night so I figured I could handle it this morning." He replied. He leaned over for a kiss, and I gladly obliged.

"Alright, Bella. Go get ready! We have an appointment in hour, and it's in Port Angeles." Alice stated clapping her hands together. I rolled my eyes, but got up to go get ready.

I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and then my hair, and then went to the bedroom. I pulled a bright orange knee length skirt, and a white tank top. I put on a pair of white flip flops, and headed into the kitchen. I took my vitamin, grabbed a pop tart, bottle of water, and my phone and headed into the living room.

"Well, someone is in a chipper mood today." Jasper commented pointing to my skirt. I grinned at him. "I like bright colors. Haven't you noticed that about me yet?" I asked. He laughed and nodded his head.

"Okay, boys you're in charge of Lilly bug for a while. Try not to break her." Alice said as we headed out the door. I laughed all the way out to the car.

"What is so funny?" Alice demanded sliding into the front seat. I got in on the passengers side, still laughing. "You're telling the two most protective people in that baby's life to try not to break her. That's fucking hilarious!" I exclaimed.

"Are you high?" Alice asked dryly. "Nope. Not drunk either. Just in a really good mood today." I replied.

"Oh, so you got some." She guessed. I laughed loudly at that. "Definitely not. We just talked, and worked it out…sort of." I explained. "Oh, well that's good to hear." She replied starting the car. We drove in silence for awhile as I ate my pop tart with the windows rolled down and the radio blaring. It was hot out sure, but we were enjoying the weather. Once I'd finished my pop tart and took a drink of water, I turned to look at Alice, who was singing along to a song on the radio.

"I know who got some last night." I said with a smile. She stopped singing, but smiled back at me. "Did you have a good date night with your hunny?" I asked. "Yes, Bella I did. Thank you very much." She replied. I smiled and shook my head. I was feeling a bit envious of her and Jasper's relationship. They made it look so easy to have a good relationship, and they never fought that I was aware of. Jasper would never do to Alice what Edward had done to me.

"Wrong. Jasper has to done to Alice what Edward did to you." Alice said dryly. "I said that out loud?" I asked as a blush crept over my face. "Yeah, you did. And I don't even want to know what your thoughts before that were." She joked. "What did Jasper do?" I asked swatting at her arm playfully.

"He kissed another girl. It was about four years ago, and I nearly fell apart over it." She said as if it were no big deal. "You never told me about that! And you never acted as if anything were wrong when we were together. I don't even remember Jasper not coming around for awhile." I said a bit shocked.

"I didn't want anyone to know. I felt like I had done something wrong, and I didn't want to admit that to anyone. So, we stayed together and worked it out. It was really rough for a long time, but eventually I got over it." She explained quickly as she pulled into a parking spot.

"How can you tell me to trust Edward again after only a few months when you've been through the same thing, and admitted it took you a long time?" I asked as we walked inside the nail salon.

We signed in and within minutes were led back to the massage chairs for our pedicures. Alice waited until they had started our pedicures before she turned to me. "I look at the big picture with you and Edward. You guys have been together for awhile, and you've been through so much more than Jasper and I have. And now you're married, and you have a baby on the way. You two are right for each other. You guys are perfectly in sync with one another; you move he moves. Even when you're fighting, or things aren't exactly right between the two of you." She explained.

"You more than anyone should know how precious and short life can be. I just don't want you guys wasting any more of your time together fighting over something like this. Especially when Edward has apologized, and you can tell how sorry he is for what he did. He loves you, Bella, more than anything else in this world. Everyone can see that; so why can't you?" She asked.

"Because I don't understand how he can do something like that, and claim to love me as much as he says he does. I love him more than anything in the world, and I would never even dream of doing something like he did. I just don't understand it." I replied quickly.

"He made a mistake, Bella. He's human. People make mistakes all the time, especially when they're feeling vulnerable or afraid. He wasn't thinking clearly or else he never would have done it either. He didn't kiss her, or have sex with her; he just flirted. Which I know does not make it okay, but it could have been much worse than what it was. I just don't want to see you two hurting anymore. That's all." She explained.

"I know. I don't want us to hurt each other anymore either. I'm trying really hard to get past this, and last night was a step in the right direction. I miss him Alice. I miss the way things were before all of this happened. We had a talk last night. He basically told me I needed to get over this or we were over." I said quietly.

"He did what?" She asked angrily. "He said he doesn't understand why it's taking me so long to forgive him, and that he doesn't want to lose me but he feels like it's over. And he doesn't want the baby to be the reason we stay together." I said.

"You just wait until we get back to that apartment. That little jerk has no idea what's coming his way," She said tersely.

"Alice, please don't. He said he would try harder." I whined. "No, he has no right to put that kind of pressure on you! I know I've been telling you to find a way to deal with it, but I understand why it's taking you so long. I get why you don't trust him. And he should, too! You just wait." She said in a low voice.

The rest of the time we were there Alice was steaming. She made small talk with me, but you could see the anger on her face. Once we were finished and back in the car, she sped all the way home. I tried to calm her down, but it was no use. She was furious with her brother, and when she was that mad it best to let her go. I thought about warning Edward, but thought better of it and just sat back in my seat. If I warned him, and he wasn't there when we got back she'd just turn that anger to me. That so was not happening. She parked the car and got out quickly. I followed behind her as fast as I could; which wasn't very fast at all given my beach ball of a stomach. It didn't matter anyway I was half way up the stairs and I could still hear her.

"You insensitive little creep! Do you have any idea how stupid you are? You're lucky she doesn't throw your ass to the curb after what you said to her last night! YOU are the one who fucked up, Edward! Bella didn't flirt with some bitch and lie to you about it! YOU did that to HER! And you have the balls to tell her if she can't get over it then its over? I should smack the shit out of you for that! I have been pulling for you this whole time, trying to get her to understand and to realize how much you love her! Well, not anymore asshole! You have no right to put that kind of pressure on her! She's dealing with this in her own way, and you need to respect that! Oh! I just want to smack the stupid right out of you!" She yelled angrily.

I was standing in the doorway by this point, and I could see Edward clearly. He was mad I could see that perfectly, but he also looked ashamed. Man, this was going to be a long night. Alice opened her mouth to say something else, but I walked over and put a hand on her shoulder. She turned to me and I shook my head.

"Bella, I'm just trying to help." She said quietly. "I know, Alice. I appreciate you sticking up for me, but I think you got your point across." I said with a small smile. She smiled back, and turned to Jasper. "Let's go Jazzy." She said. He nodded and put Lilly in her car seat. Alice hugged me goodbye, and they left. I walked over and sat beside Edward, taking his hand in mine.

"I'm sorry. I tried to stop her." I said quietly. "There's no stopping that little pixie when she sets her mind to something. Besides, she's right. I shouldn't have said those things to you last night. I was wrong, and I'm sorry." He replied. He pulled his hand away from me, and leaned forward putting his head in his hands.

"I miss you, Bella." He whispered in a pained voice. I pulled his hands away, pushed him back against the couch, and straddled his waist. I cupped his face between my hands, and stared at him. "I'm right here, Edward. I've always been right here. Where are you?" I asked quietly. He furrowed his brows, and said, "I'm here, too, Bella." I gave him a sad smile. "Then why do we miss each other so much?" I asked.

"I've been pulling away from you, love. I've been so afraid we were over that I just gave up. I'm so sorry baby." He said quietly. "I don't need you to be sorry; I need you to fix it. I need you to tell me that we aren't over, and that everything is going to be fine. I need you to tell me that you understand why it's taking me so long to trust you again, and that it doesn't matter to you. I need you to tell me that you love me." I demanded as tears welled up in my eyes.

"It does not matter to me how long it takes for you trust me again; I'll keep trying to make it easier for you. I love you more than my own life and everything is going to be fine. We are not over, and we will never be over. We'll make this work. We'll figure it out together, and I will try especially hard to understand where you're coming from, and will do anything in my power to make it better." He said wiping my tears away.

I leaned forward and kissed him, moaning when he deepened the kiss. He thrust his tongue between my lips, and I ground my hips against him. He groaned in pleasure, but pulled away from me. "I thought we were waiting." He said his voice low and husky. I ground against him again with a wicked smile on my face. He smiled, and leaned in to kiss me again. He grabbed onto my legs, and stood up with me in his arms. Never breaking our kiss he walked into the bedroom, and laid me down on the bed. I was a little nervous as he was undressing me; it had been awhile since he'd seen me naked, and I was severely pregnant now. He eased all of my worries with one lust filled look of my naked body. He undressed himself, and then climbed on top of me.

With a wicked smile of his own he thrust inside of me making me scream out in pleasure. It had been so long, but it was like we'd never missed a beat. We still fit together perfectly, still knew how to please each other. We knew every sound the other made, and how to make it louder. It was perfect just as it had always been. And when we were finished Edward pulled me close to him, and hummed my lullaby until I fell sleep.


	56. Chapter 56

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is a toothache out of this world! Man there is nothing like a frikkin' toothache! I'm trying to ignore it, but if you've ever had a toothache you know how hard that is. Ugh! You know what's funny? We went to Carlyle Lake this weekend, and I kept trying to spell it Carlisle. Ha…I have twilight on the brain 24/7! Anyhoo on to the story! Song for this chapter-"Hurts so good"-John Mellencamp. **

A sharp pain in my lower abdomen woke me up around three in the morning. It went away after a few minutes, but when I laid back down it started all over again. I didn't want to wake Edward up, but I was a little worried about pre-term labor. I breathed through the pain and again it went away. I got up to go pee, and only made it about half way before another pain had me kneeled over holding myself up with the wall. This could not be happening to me. I still had a month to go in this pregnancy, and I was not about to lose another baby. When the pain stopped yet again I waddled my way over to Edward and shook him awake.

"What? What's wrong?" He asked sitting up. Before I could respond another pain had my knees buckling and this time it was Edward who kept me on my feet. "I think...I'm in labor." I panted once the pain had stopped again. "How many contractions have you had?" He asked walking with me to the living room.

"This…makes five." I groaned as another one ripped through me. He picked me up and carried me the rest of the way into the living room. He sat me on the couch and went to the kitchen. "When did you start having them?" He called from the kitchen. "Three o'clock." I called back. I heard him talking to someone, and assumed it was Carlisle. A few minutes later he came walking back into the living room with three bottles of water and his phone.

"Lie down on your left side and start drinking this." He said handing me a bottle of water. "I don't want to drink this! I want to go to the hospital!" I exclaimed as another contraction hit. "I know, love, but Carlisle said it could just be false labor. If it doesn't stop within an hour then we'll go to the hospital." He explained.

"Funny…it feels like…the real fucking thing…to me." I panted. "Drink the water, Bella. Drink it as fast as you can. We have to get as much water in you as possible. Carlisle said you're probably dehydrated, and that can cause this." He demanded pushing the water at me. I glared at him, but took the water and started drinking it.

I had downed the first bottle of water before I had another contraction, and that gave me a little reassurance that what Carlisle had said was true. The next one came a few minutes after that, but it wasn't nearly as strong as the others had been; that also gave me hope. After an hour and ten minutes the contractions had completely stopped, and I felt much better. Edward picked up his phone to call Carlisle back, and I reached over and took it from him.

"How she's doing?" Carlisle answered after the first ring. "I am feeling much better now, thank you. Can this hurt the baby?" I demanded. He chuckled, and for some reason that irritated me. "Don't laugh at me Carlisle; I've never made it this far into a pregnancy before! Can this hurt the baby? Do I need to go to the hospital?" I demanded again.

"I'm sorry, Bella. No, on both counts. This was just your body's way of telling you to take better care of yourself. You need to make sure you drink plenty of water every day so this doesn't happen again. The irritation and fatigue you're feeling will dissipate soon, and everything will be fine." He explained.

"Thank you." I said blowing out a breath. I handed the phone back to Edward, and went to use the bathroom. Once I was finished I decided just to go back to bed rather than join Edward in the living room again. I was really tired, and it wasn't just from being woken up in the middle of the night. If this was what I had to look forward to while I was in labor, you'd better believe I was going for the epidural. The pain was unreal. I sighed heavily, and closed my eyes; within minutes I was out.

I woke up late next the afternoon. Thanks to all the water I drank I was up and down all night long going to the bathroom. I still felt really tired, but I didn't want to stay in bed all day. With a yawn I got up and went to the bathroom. I finished my morning routine quickly, and dressed in a neon pink tank top and pair of white shorts. I had to hand it to Alice; she managed to find the cutest maternity clothes in the colors I loved, and I had no idea how she did it. Alice was good in that way, and many others.

"Hey, beautiful. How do you feel?" Edward asked as I came to sit on the couch. I yawned again, and gave him a pointed look. He laughed and rubbed my leg. "Are you hungry? I thought we'd get out of the house today." He asked with a smile. "Sure, what'd you have in mind?" I asked with another yawn.

"If you're too tired, love we can stay home." He said. "No, we can go. Once I get out of the house I think I'll feel better. What do you want to do?" I asked again.

"I thought we'd go to Port Angeles for the day. We could go to Panera bread, and then do some shopping at the mall." He said thoughtfully. "That sounds great. Are you ready?" I asked with a smile. He nodded enthusiastically. I laughed and got up to get my phone and purse. Edward got up, and kissed me on the head before opening the front door for me.

"Come on weeble wobble." He laughed as we went slowly down the stairs. "Hey, this is your kid I'm carrying. You could be a little more sympathetic you know." I joked. "Oh, you're just moving slow because you're tired. My baby has nothing to do with it." He said with another laugh. I turned around and swatted his arm playfully. Then, just to spite him I went extra slow down the last few steps laughing the whole way.

Thanks to Edward's tendency to speed we made it to Port Angeles in no time at all. He said something about making up for the time we lost going down the stairs. He got another hit for that comment. We walked hand in hand into the mall, and went directly to Panera bread. I ordered my usual, the grilled chicken Caesar salad, and Edward ordered a fried chicken southwestern salad. It looked good minus the honey mustard dressing that came with it. It smelled something awful, too.

"Dude, do not plan on kissing me for the rest of the day unless you have a toothbrush with you." I said turning my nose up. "I have gum." He said with a laugh. "Seriously. I don't even want to eat next to you. That smells _so_ bad." I whined. He grabbed his food, and went to the table next to us.

"What are you doing?" I laughed loudly. "What? I'm helping you out." He replied with a smile. "Get back over here." I said still laughing. He shook his head vehemently, and took a bite of his salad.

"Edward. Seriously get back over here. Someone might need that table." I said trying to stop laughing. All it did was encourage him, and I didn't want to do that anymore.

"What do you mean someone might need this table? I need this table! I can't have you getting sick to your stomach and not eating your food. My baby needs that nutrition." He replied. I groaned, but quit asking him to come back. He was making faces at me, but I just ate my food and tried my best to ignore him.

"Psst. Bella! Can you hand me a napkin? I forgot to grab one." Edward whispered leaning his hand over the whole four feet we were apart. I started laughing again despite myself, and handed him a napkin. I had no idea what was going through his head today, but it was nice to be laughing and having a good time with him again. I was just finishing my salad when my phone chirped from my purse. I pulled it out, and saw that I had a text from Alice.

_Rose wants to do waxes today. We're already in PA, how long will it take you to get here? –A_

_I'm at the mall in PA with Edward. We just finished lunch and have some shopping to do. How about five o'clock? –B _

_Sounds good! See you there! –A _

"Okay we have two hours before we have to be at the salon on Fifth Street. Apparently we're getting waxes today." I said. "Okay that's fine with me, but I'm not getting anything waxed." He said picking up our plates. He threw the trash away, put our plates in the appropriate spots, and then grabbed my hand.

"Nobody said you had to get anything waxed. Where do you want to go?" I asked with a smile. "I have an idea, but I don't think you'll like it." He said stopping in front of a store. I looked up and saw that it was a tattoo shop.

"You want to get a tattoo?" I blanched. He shook his head no. "I want US to get tattoos." He corrected me. "I don't think that's a good idea with me being pregnant and all." I replied.

"I already talked to Carlisle. It's fine. And it's nothing big. I just want to get your first initial on my ring finger, and I thought you could get my first initial on your ring finger." He answered quickly. "I…okay." I heard myself say. I couldn't believe I was agreeing to this, but the smile on his face made it worth it. It was just one little letter on my finger. How bad could that be?

Turns out it's not that bad. It felt like a bee sting…repeatedly. But it was over so quick I barely knew it had happened, and I actually loved it. The only downside was I couldn't wear my rings for a week, but that was doable considering how happy it made Edward. Who knew something so small could make someone so happy? We shopped around awhile longer, and bought some more clothes for peanut before heading to the salon.

Alice and Rosalie were already there waiting on us, looking around impatiently, but I didn't care. I was spending time with my love. No one or nothing was going to rush that. We walked inside and they nearly ran up to us looking exasperated.

"It's about time! Our appointment is in five minutes. Could you have cut it any closer?" Rose snapped.

"Where's your ring? Why are you wearing a bandage on your finger?" Alice asked pulling my hand up to her face. I yanked it back, and smiled. "You'll see in a couple of days. Are we all signed in?" I asked.

Alice narrowed her eyes at me, and walked over to Edward. He hid his hand behind his back, but she quickly grabbed it and drew it up to her face. "Oh my god! You got tattoos! On your fingers! Didn't that hurt?" She exclaimed.

"Not really. I already want another one." I laughed, goading her. "You do not! Isabella Marie you better be joking!" She threatened. They called our names back, and I just laughed and followed the lady back to my room.

Twenty minutes later I came walking out, waddling worse than I was before I went in there. My poonani hurt, but I knew from past experiences that it would go away within a few hours. Edward was sitting out in the lobby looking at a magazine when I walked up to him. He smiled when he saw me and stood up to give me a kiss. Alice said she and Jasper would come by in a little while with the baby, and to investigate our tattoos. I just laughed and shook my head.

We left and headed for home. Carlisle had called while I was getting waxed to say that he and Esme would be by later this evening to drop off some things for the baby, and to visit. That meant I had to cook something, and I was so not in the mood to do that. I was tired before we left, and by the time we got home I was exhausted.

"You go sit down and relax. I'll order some pizzas okay?" Edward said pushing me gently towards the couch. "I can cook. Everyone would like that better than pizza I'm sure." I argued. "Bella, you look pale, and exhausted. I'm not letting you cook. They can deal with pizza." He argued back. I growled at him, but went to sit on the couch anyway. An hour later the pizzas were there along with everyone else. We were sitting in the living room eating and talking about Lilly and how big she's gotten. I was feeling pretty crappy, but I didn't want anyone to know that so I was trying to stay engaged in the conversation. Though I wasn't hungry I got up to get more pizza and another bottle of water. I was trying to make sure I stayed hydrated like Carlisle said, but today that was proving harder than it should be.

I was standing there in the kitchen putting another slice of pizza on my plate when I felt a gush of fluid between my legs. I didn't even look down. I just put the pizza down, grabbed a hold of the counter and walked slowly to the doorway of the kitchen. I was trying not to panic though there were already tears in my eyes.

"Edward!" I yelled from the doorway. He looked over at me, and immediately got up and ran over to me. "What's wrong?" He asked.

"I'm pretty sure my water just broke."


	57. Chapter 57

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. Can I just say that I LOVE Britney Spears song "If you seek Amy". It's her eff you to the world, and it pumps me up every time I hear it. Another one I love is Katy Perry's "I kissed a girl". My girls even sing that one! Sorry to have left you with a cliffy, but the chapter was getting too long. So anyway on to the next chapter. Song for this chapter-"Just a dream"-Carrie Underwood. (It's country and it's a very sad song.) **

The scene before me was very comical, and if I wasn't so scared I probably would have laughed my ass off at everyone running around in circles trying to figure out what to do. As scared as I was; I was also the calmest person in the room. Edward was on the phone with the hospital to let them know we were coming, and Alice was packing me a bag. Rosalie was trying to find the diaper bag in the kitchen closet, and Carlisle and Esme were just standing there with Jasper and Emmett trying to determine the fastest route to the hospital. All I could say was thank God the contractions hadn't started yet. Otherwise I'd be a wreck.

I blew out a long breath, and waddled into the nursery. I pulled the diaper bag out of the corner, and made sure we had everything we'd need for the baby. I walked back out to the living room, and set the bag by the door. Then I walked into the bedroom to see Alice standing there crying. I walked over to her and hugged her.

"I'm sorry. I just can't believe you're finally having this baby!" She cried on my shoulder. "I know, it's weird. But isn't it a little early?" I asked worrying my bottom lip. She pulled away from me and smiled. "Your water broke, Bella. She's ready." She said.

"Okay. Well, did you get everything packed?" I asked. She nodded and grabbed the bag off the bed. We walked back out to the living room, and Alice put my bag next to the diaper bag. Edward hung up the phone and looked at me nervously. I did laugh at that. And then the first contraction hit. I was on my knees in an instant with one hand on my belly. This was so much worse than the other night! Edward helped me up while Alice grabbed the bags. We started out the door with the whole gang behind us.

It took me nearly ten minutes to get down the damn stairs because the contractions were so intense. Carlisle had made his way to my side, and was helping me to breathe through them, but it wasn't helping much. I breathed a small sigh of relief when we reached the car, and slid into the backseat with Carlisle right beside me, and Alice in the passenger seat. Edward climbed in quickly, and we were off to the hospital.

"Oh my god! Why are they getting worse?" I yelled as a particularly bad one hit. "Try to lay back, Bella. That might help relieve some of the pressure." Carlisle suggested patting my leg. I took a deep breath when the contraction was over, and tried lying back in the seat with my head in Carlisle's lap. Another one hit just as hard as the last one and I screamed loudly.

"Christ Carlisle! Can't you do something for her?" Edward snapped. "What would you like me to do son, we're in the backseat of a car! I can't exactly give her an epidural!" Carlisle snapped back.

"I don't fucking know! Do something!" Edward yelled. "There's nothing I can do, Edward!" Carlisle yelled back.

"STOP FIGHTING!" I screamed just before another contraction hit. "You need to hurry, Edward. Her contractions are getting closer together, and I don't think either of you want to have this baby in the backseat of this car." Carlisle said calmly.

"Oh, I swear to god Edward you better get me to that fucking hospital before this baby comes out!" I yelled. "Bella, you need to try and calm down. Yelling at everyone isn't going to make things easier." Alice said calmly from the front seat. If I wasn't in so much pain I'd reach up there and slap her.

"Don't tell me to calm down! You've been in this position were you calm?" I demanded as another contraction came. "Point taken." She said with a smile. "This is not helping, Carlisle!" I cried and sat back up.

"We're here." Edward said as we pulled in front of labor and delivery. "Alright, Edward you go in with her. Alice and I will park the car and meet you inside." Carlisle said opening the back door. He ran inside the building and came back out with a wheelchair bless his heart. I sat down in it, and Edward pushed me inside. I tried to control my screaming as another painful contraction made itself known, but that wasn't easy to do. They got me to the back and into a room quickly, and a nurse helped me change into a gown and get into bed. She hooked me up to the monitors, started an IV, checked to see how dilated I was and said someone would be in shortly to an epidural.

Edward sat next to me, holding my hand and smoothing my hair back from my face. I hadn't cried up to this point, and I'd be damned if I was going to start now. No matter how bad the pain got I would not cry. Within a few minutes a male nurse came in and started the epidural for me. It hurt like a son of a bitch, but once the medicine started kicking in I was thankful he'd done it. Carlisle and Alice came back a short time later, and said everyone else was out in the waiting room.

"How do you feel?" Alice asked as she wiped a few of her tears away. I tried to smile at her, but now that I wasn't feeling any pain my emotions were taking over and I started crying. "I'm scared. What if she's not okay in there?" I asked. Edward wiped my tears away, and kissed my hand softly.

"Bella, they have the entire NICU staff down here waiting for you to deliver. They specialize in premature babies so it's good that they're here. She'll be well taken care of." Carlisle said.

"Yeah, and remember what the doctor said at the last ultrasound, love? The baby still measures three weeks ahead of schedule. That means she's only coming a week early. She's going to be fine." Edward said.

"You're right. You're both right." I said nodding my head though I didn't really believe either of them.

"Bella, you're her mommy. What do you feel?" Alice asked taking my free hand in hers. I looked up at her with tears in my eyes. "I feel like she's okay, but I need to push." I said scrunching my face up.

"No! Bella do NOT push! Wait for the doctor!" Carlisle ordered running from the room.

"But, I really need to push." I cried. "It's very important that you don't push right now, Bella. Okay? I need you to try really hard to not push." Amy, my nurse, instructed. She pulled the sheet up over my knees, and checked me again. She pulled the sheet down and ran out of the room saying something about the baby's head. A couple minutes later my doctor walked in followed by Amy and a few other nurses. They dropped the bottom half of the bed down, and Dr. Gingrich came right up to bottom side sitting on a rolling stool.

"Okay, Bella. Who do you want to stay and who do you want to go?" She asked. "Can't they all stay?" I asked quietly. "Sorry sweetie, hospital rules. Only one can stay." Amy said shaking her head.

"Its fine, love I'll wait in the hall." Edward said standing up. "What? You're not leaving are you nuts?" I asked grabbing his arm. I gave Alice a sad smile and waved as she walked out the door.

"Alright. Let's get this party started!" Dr. G exclaimed with a smile. One nurse put a leg in the holster while another did the same thing. "Okay, you're going to push against these any time you feel the urge to push, and we're going to help as much as possible because I know you can't feel your legs right now." Amy informed me.

The second I felt the urge I pushed with all I had in me and then some. "Okay, that was good, Bella, now relax for a count of ten, and we'll try again." Dr. Gingrich said with a smile. I leaned back against my pillow, and breathed through the count of ten, and then pushed with everything all over again.

"We have a head! Stop pushing Bella. It's critical right now that you do NOT push." Amy said. I nodded that I understood, and leaned back against the pillow. "Alright, lovely let's push again." Dr. G said. I took a deep breath, and pushed as hard as I could. I heard a gasp, and I was instantly alarmed. "Okay, stop pushing. The baby is out. We're going to get her checked out and cleaned up, and if she's okay we'll bring her right over to you." Dr Gingrich explained.

I was trying to pay attention to what they were saying about Raelynn, but I was so tired it was hard to keep my eyes open. I tried to get Edward's attention by pulling on his hand, but I even too weak to do that. I heard a baby's cry, and then everything went black.

**EPOV-**

I was instantly relieved when I heard Raelynn's cry for the first time. I was listening to them to talk about how well developed she was when I realized I didn't feel Bella's hand in mine anymore. I turned to her, and yelled, "Bella! Bella wake up!" I shook her roughly, but she just lay there limply, ghostly pale. The doctor came over and with one look shot in my direction I knew it was bad. I knew it was very bad.

"She's hemorrhaging! We need to get her into surgery now!" The doctor shouted. They pushed me out into the hallway and said someone would be out to speak with me about the baby soon, and that they would let me know Bella's condition once it was known. I stood out there, pacing the hall in front of my family for over an hour before someone finally came and told me Raelynn was doing fine, and wouldn't be going to the NICU after all. I thanked them, and told the family to go see her. I wasn't going anywhere until I heard about Bella. Two more hours went by when finally Dr. Gingrich came walking around the corner looking at me solemnly. I stood up and walked towards her. She stopped at the same time I did so we were inches apart. My first thought was that Bella would really hate how close together we were right now, and I took a few steps back.

"Your wife lost a lot of blood, and there was already some damage to her uterus from a previous attack I'm told. I'm sorry, we did everything could. But, as it is we couldn't save her uterus. Now, she's going to be in a lot of pain for awhile, but I expect her to make a full recovery. Would you like to see her?" She asked. I nodded, unable to speak at the moment because if I did it would be to tell this fucking doctor to go to hell making me think I'd lost my wife!

I walked into Bella's room, where she was sitting up in bed crying. I wish they would have let me tell her. I walked over and sat on the bed hugging her tightly to me. "No more babies." She whispered.

"It's alright, love. We have one very healthy baby girl, and if we want more kids down the road we'll adopt them. It's going to be fine. The most important thing to me is that you are okay. That you're alive. That's all that matters to me." I whispered back.

"Really?" She asked quietly. "Yes, love. That was the most important thing to me, and now I can see for myself that you are okay. You've got some bumps and bruises, but you'll be fine baby." I said with a crooked smile.

"Have you seen Rae yet?" She asked with a smile. "No. I wanted to make sure you were alright, and I want us to see her together for the first time." I replied.

"Well, let's go!" She exclaimed with a laugh. "Whoa, love. You're still in recovery. It's going to be awhile before we can see her so let's just lay back and relax for a bit." I suggested. She sighed in reluctance, but lay back none the less. I hummed her lullaby, and soon she was fast asleep.


	58. Chapter 58

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. I have a cold, and still a toothache. BOO! Thanks for all your reviews and adding my story to your alerts! Song for this chapter-"Then" Brad Paisley. (It's country and it's a very sweet song.) **

I woke up in a different room with Edward lying beside me. I looked around, and found Alice sitting on a chair smiling at me. I smiled back at her, and tried to sit up. If that hurt I can just imagine what getting up and walking is going to feel like. I hit the call button for the nurse, and waited patiently for her to come. I was pleasantly surprised to see Amy walk in.

"Well, hey there sleeping beauty. How ya feeling?" She asked with a smile. "I hurt everywhere. Pretty badly." I admitted. She nodded. "I figured as much. I brought your pain medicine with me, and when I'm done with that I'll go get little miss sunshine." She said.

She gave me two shots in the hip, and then left the room. I nudged Edward awake, and he looked at me with a smile when Amy came walking back in rolling our baby in her bassinette. Amy gently picked her up, and walked over to the bed. I held my arms out, and she placed my baby in my arms. I looked down at her with tears of joy in my eyes, and the first thing I noticed was her eyes. She was looking all around trying to take everything in that she could see, and it was beautiful. But what drew me to them was the color; sea green like her daddy. How many babies come out with eyes any color but blue? Not many. I pulled her little hat off to see she had a head full of jet black straight hair. She was beautiful, and perfect, and mine.

I bent down and kissed her little lips, and whispered an I love you to her. I turned to Alice and said, "What'd she weigh in at?"

"Six pounds, four ounces. Twenty three inches long. She hasn't slept since she was born you know." Alice said pointing to Raelynn. I looked down to see her eyes were closed and she seemed to be sleeping peacefully. I smiled, and leaned my head on Edward's shoulder. He kissed the top of my head, and brushed his fingers gently across Rae's face.

"She's perfect, love. Just like you." He murmured. "I don't think I've ever loved you more than I do right now." He said. "You say that all the time." I said with a smile and roll of my eyes.

"Nope this time it's different. What you just went through, what you have to deal with now, I love you all the more for it." He said.

"Okay!" Amy said walking cheerfully into the room. "Time for you to get out of that bed, Bella!" She exclaimed clapping her hands together. I groaned, and handed Edward the baby. "This is going to be painful isn't it?" I whined.

"I'm not going to lie to you; it's not going to be pleasant. But the good news is that it gets easier and easier the more you get up. Which is the plan from here on out. We want you up and moving around as much as you can take to keep that blood flowing in your legs, okay?" Amy said. I nodded, and she came over to help me.

"Okay so swing your legs over to the side of the bed. And use your arms to push up off the bed, not your stomach muscles. We don't want to rip those staples out. We're going to take Raelynn for a walk in her bassinette. That way you have something to hold on to while you're walking, and we won't go very far right now since it's the first time you're getting up." She explained.

I did as she instructed, and uttered a loud cuss word as I came to stand. This pain was almost as bad as labor. _Almost._ She helped me to the bathroom first, and when we came out Edward had put Raelynn in her bassinette and rolled her over next to the bathroom. He was standing there next to her; a concerned expression on his face. I tried to rein in my pained expression, and smiled at him. I didn't want him worrying over me. I'd get over this just as I had everything else life had thrown at me. Since the maternity floor of the Forks hospital was so small we walked around it twice, and then headed back to our room. Rather than getting back into bed I decided to sit up in a chair for awhile.

"Are you okay?" Edward asked once Amy had left the room. "I'm fine. Just a little sore." I replied as Alice handed me Raelynn. I smiled down at my newborn baby, more grateful than ever before to have had her. While I had hoped to have more children I was okay with the fact that I couldn't. We had one healthy baby, and that was more than I could have asked for.

A while later Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie came walking in with Chinese food. Rosalie walked over to me, put the Chinese on the table beside me, and grabbed Raelynn carefully from my arms. She walked over and sat between Emmett and Jasper on the tiny couch.

"Where's Carlisle and Esme?" I asked. "They're watching Lilly, and taking a break from the hospital. They said they'd come back up later this evening." Jasper answered. Edward walked over to me and started rubbing circles on my back. It was like he knew I was getting tense, and wanted to reassure me. I was glad everyone was here, but I sort of wished everyone would leave, and give us some time along with Raelynn. I knew it was selfish, but I wanted her all to myself. I wondered if Alice felt this way, and then I had an idea.

"Hey, Alice you want to go for a walk with me?" I asked. "Sure." She said getting up to help me. "Do you want me to come with you, love? You might need more than one person." Edward asked a look of concern on his face.

"I'd like for you to come, but I'd feel better if you stayed with the baby." I replied with a small smile. "We'll be fine with her, Bella. I mean, it's not like you guys are going far." Jasper said looking from me to Edward. "Thanks Jasper." I said with a smile. Edward walked over and took over for Alice, helping me to my feet. I waited until we were a good distance away before I started grilling Alice.

"Is it normal to want everyone to leave us alone? I feel so selfish for wanting that, but we haven't been alone with her yet, and I really want that." I rambled. Alice smiled at me. "I felt the same way, and I've heard a lot of other moms say the same thing. You've waited a long time for this, Bella don't be ashamed or afraid to say something. Tell you what when we get back to the room we'll stay long enough for you two to eat, and then I'll make sure to get everyone out so you have some time alone." She replied.

When we got back to the room Raelynn was crying, and I immediately scooped her up from Jasper's arms. Edward grabbed a bottle that the nurse had brought in earlier, and handed it to me. I situated myself back in the chair, and put the bottle in her mouth. Alice came over a few minutes later and took her from me with a wink saying we needed to eat. As much as I didn't want to give her up I wanted time alone with her more. So I just smiled and reached for the Chinese food, handing Edward his and digging into my own.

An hour and a half later I was back in bed with Raelynn in my arms. Everyone had left a few minutes ago, and I finally had what I wanted. It was just Edward, the baby, and I. Edward was lying next to me in bed with an arm around my shoulders, and with his other hand he was stroking Raelynn's hand. Both of us were yawning, but neither of us wanted to go to sleep. We were enjoying this time with our daughter.

"I'm so proud of you, Bella. What you did was nothing short of amazing. You were so strong, and brave. And you're handling all of this so well; I don't know how you're doing it." Edward said kissing my forehead.

"It's easier with you by my side. I'm honestly okay with not being able to have more children. The one we have is such a blessing already. Besides, she needs me to be strong. This is a whole new place for her and the last thing she needs is her mommy to be all sad and depressed." I replied with a smile.

Edward yawned again, and I laughed out loud. "I'm going to go for a walk, love. If I don't I'll be passed out in no time." He said getting to his feet. "How about we all go for a walk? I'm feeling pretty tired myself." I suggested. "How about I take Raelynn for a walk, and you take a nap. You need your rest, love." Edward countered taking the baby from me. I huffed loudly, but I didn't argue. I was really tired.

Amy woke me up a short time later to administer my pain medicine, and check my vitals. She informed me that Edward and his parents were in the family waiting room with the baby. I asked her to get them for me, and got up to sit in the chair. I was still tired, but I wanted my baby. A few minutes later Amy came back in with a few more bottles for Raelynn, followed by Edward and his parents. I held my arms out and Edward smiled and brought the baby to me. I felt better the moment I touched her. The pain stopped, and I was no longer tired. All that mattered was her.

"How are you doing, Bella?" Esme asked coming to sit by me. I smiled widely at her. "I'm doing great. I'm so happy she's finally here!" I exclaimed. "I know! I can't believe I have two granddaughters already! I'm not old enough for that!" She laughed. I laughed with her and said, "You don't look a day over thirty." She patted my leg, and then held her arms out for the baby. Reluctantly I handed her over, and sat back in the chair.

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew Edward was shaking me awake telling me to get in bed. Carlisle and Esme were gone, and Raelynn was in her bassinette. With a yawn I got up and Edward helped me get into bed. I woke up around four thirty the next morning to Raelynn crying. I was hurting really bad, but I didn't let that stop me. I got up slowly, and made my way to her. I changed her diaper, grabbed a bottle and then picked her up. I got myself situated in the bed again, hit the call button for the nurse, and began feeding Raelynn.

The nurse came in a few minutes later, and I asked for some pain medicine. She walked out and came back ten minute later, and gave me two shots. I thanked her and turned my attention back to the baby. I pulled the bottle away to burp her and she started crying all over again. Edward shot up from the couch quickly, and looked over at me.

"Are you okay?" He asked his voice thick with sleep. "We're fine. Go back to sleep." I replied. He rubbed his hands over his face, and sat back down. "Edward, go back to sleep." I demanded gently. "No, you might need me." He replied quickly. I rolled my eyes and continued feeding the baby. Once she was finished she quickly fell back into a slumber, and Edward put her back in the bassinette. He came and laid down next to me in the bed, and we fell back asleep.


	59. Chapter 59

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. It is incredibly hard to type with a 2 yr old in my lap. Kamryn says hey everybody! She likes to be all up in mommy's business all the time. Hard times in mommy land. Lol. Song for this chapter-"It won't be like this for long"-Darius Rucker. This song came out shortly after Gracie was born, and it made me cry with how true it really is. She's going to be 4 in September, and I cannot believe it. **

_Two months later—_

I heard Raelynn's cry over the baby monitor, and got up slowly to go get her. This was the third time tonight she'd woken up. I stumbled into the nursery, picked her up, and laid her on the changing table. She cried throughout the whole diaper change, all the way into the kitchen, and didn't stop until the bottle was in her mouth. I made my way back into the nursery, and sat down in the rocking chair. I couldn't complain too much; the only times she cried were when she was hungry, or she needed a fresh diaper. She was an extremely calm baby. Once she was done with her bottle I rocked her back to sleep, put her back in the crib, and headed back to bed myself.

"Bella, wake up. I have to go to work, and the baby is awake." Edward whispered next to my ear. I groaned, but sat up just the same. "I've already changed and fed her, but she doesn't seem to want to go back to sleep." He said with a smile.

"Of course not. She's against mommy getting any kind of sleep in this house." I grumbled getting out of bed. Edward laughed and replied, "Don't worry you're off duty for the next two nights."

Edward and I had a system worked out; I got up with her during the week when he had to work, and he got up with her on the weekends and any nights he didn't have to work the next day. Normally I didn't mind it, but she had gotten up more than usual the last couple of nights. I made my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth and hair, and then went to the kitchen to start some coffee. That had been my saving grace since we brought Raelynn home. I knew I was drinking way too much of it, but it was the only way I could stay awake most days. When the coffee was done I poured myself a cup, added my goodies, and made my way to the living room where Raelynn was lounging in her swing.

"She is wide awake isn't she?" I commented with a smile. "We've been up for a couple of hours, and she just doesn't want to sleep. Don't worry, love, she'll be out of this phase before we know it." Edward said leaning down to kiss me. As soon as he left I turned the television on, and of course the only thing on was the news. With a sigh I turned the TV off, and turned the radio on to a good country station. I walked over and kissed Raelynn on the head, and then went to start some laundry that was way over due. Once I was finished with that I went back to the living room, grabbed Raelynn from her swing, and sat down on the couch. I took a drink of my coffee, and then smiled down at my baby.

"We need to have a little chat Rae. You need to your days and nights straighten out because is going to keel over one of these days if you don't." I said with a smirk. She smiled back at me and rubbed at her eyes. "Oh sure now that mommy is wide awake you're ready for a nap." I mumbled getting up. I walked into the nursery and laid her down in the crib. I turned on her mobile, and grabbed the baby monitor from the base. I was walking out to the living room when I heard my phone chirp. I knew it had to be Alice; we texted each other every morning.

_Morning sunshine! Let's go to the mall today. –A_

_When? I just put Rae down for a nap. –B_

_Whenever. Want some company? Then we could just leave when she wakes up. –A _

_Sure, come on over. - B _

I brought my phone into the living room, unlocked the door, and sat down on the couch to finish my coffee. Alice came breezing through the door about fifteen minutes later with a smile on her face and Lilly on her hip. I smiled as she came over and sat down in the chair.

"Somebody's in a good mood today." I commented. She smiled and waggled her eyebrows. "That's because somebody got laid last night." She said. I rolled my eyes. "That is so unfair! I haven't had sex in over a month, and you've gotten laid twice this week already." I whined.

"Well, why don't you initiate it every once in awhile." She suggested. "I do! Every time I try he shoots me down. He barely even touches me anymore. What if…what if he's cheating on me?" I asked biting my lower lip. "He's not cheating on you! You guys are new parents. It's only been two months since you had the baby. He's probably just tired." She replied.

"I have to tell you something." I said quietly. "What did you do?" She asked dryly. "I've sort of been talking to this guy…" I trailed off.

"What?" She deadpanned. "It's completely innocent! I swear! He's a new dad, too, and he's kind of been helping me deal with everything, and with Edward not paying attention to me it's kind of nice to have a guy to talk to." I explained quickly.

"Bella, you are playing with fire. This is not a good idea." She warned. "I'm not doing anything! We just talk about the babies, and how hard it is adjusting to having babies. And his wife is doing the same thing to him that Edward is doing to me. So we just talk and it's comforting. That's it." I replied.

"Where did you meet him?" She asked with a sigh. "At the market. His name is James, and he's very nice." I replied. "Is he cute?" She asked arching a brow. "I…guess. It isn't like that, Alice. It's just nice to have someone to talk to." I answered quickly.

"Uh huh. How long has this been going on?" She asked dryly. I bit my lip and shrugged. "Bella!" She exclaimed. "Okay, okay. A few weeks. We kept meeting up at the market, and last week we went out for coffee. He wants to have lunch tomorrow." I said.

"I'll say it again in case you didn't hear me the firs time. You are playing with fire." She said slowly. "It's not like that, Alice. He's just a friend." I replied rolling my eyes. "Whatever you say, Bella." She sighed.

When Raelynn finally woke up we headed up to the mall. We grabbed lunch at a new sushi place, and did some light shopping for the babies. Alice drove me back home, and helped me get everything upstairs before taking off. I put everything away, changed Raelynn and fed her and then put her in her swing for awhile. I was putting dinner in the over when my phone chirped. I grabbed it from my purse, and smiled when I saw it was from James.

_What are you doing? –J_

_Just made dinner. What about you? –B_

_Waiting for the wife to get home. She's late…again. –J _

_:( I'm sorry. How's your day been otherwise? –B_

_Good. Went up to PA for awhile, and saw a friend. Wanted to say hi but she had a friend with her and I thought it might be awkward. –J _

_Lol. You could have said hi! I told her about you so it's not like she would have been surprised. –B _

_Good to know. Are we still on for lunch tomorrow? –J_

_Yeah for sure. At the café here in town right? –B _

_Yep. Around noonish? –J _

_Sounds good to me. –B_

_Great. Can't wait! ;-] –J _

I was just putting my phone away when Edward walked through the door. He muttered a hey to me, and walked to Raelynn. He pulled her out of the swing and smiled at her as he leaned down to kiss her head. He sat down on the couch with her, and turned the television on. I arched a brow, but said nothing. I walked over to the couch and sat beside him.

"How was work?" I asked. "Fine." He replied distractedly. "I missed you." I said. He said nothing. Just stared at the TV screen as if he hadn't even heard me. "I made lemon glazed chicken for dinner. I know how much you like that." I tried again. Still, I got nothing.

"Hey!" I yelled. He jumped, and turned to look at me with a quizzical expression on his face. "I'm talking to you!" I exclaimed. "I'm sorry, love. I didn't hear you." He replied.

"I'm sitting right here, and you didn't hear me?" I asked. "I said I didn't." He smarted. "What is your problem lately?" I demanded standing up.

"I don't have a problem, Bella. Do you?" He asked. "Yes, I do. You barely talk to me anymore! You won't touch me; you haven't had sex with me in over a month, Edward! I'd say there's a problem!" I exclaimed.

"Bella, I'm tired. We have a newborn child what do you want from me?" He asked sounding perplexed.

"You're tired? I get up with her every fucking night with the exception of two nights a week. I'm tired Edward! But, I'm trying to maintain our relationship! And you act as if you don't even care!" I yelled.

"What do you want from me, Bella?" He asked again. "Nothing. I don't want anything from you." I replied. I walked over to the door, slipped my shoes on, and grabbed my purse. "You need to take the chicken out in about thirty minutes so it doesn't burn." I snapped and walked out. As I was walking down the stairs I pulled my phone out, and texted James.

_Want to meet up for drinks? –B _


	60. Chapter 60

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is a feeling that you all are about to not like me very much, but that's okay. I'll survive…I think. =/ I still love all of you! I'm actually kind of afraid to post this chapter. Song for this chapter-"Unfaithfu**l**"-Rihanna. Anybody else have a bad feeling about this? **

I saw James walk in and I got up and waved him over to me. He smiled as he sat down, but his smile quickly faltered when he saw I was crying. I ordered three more shots and a margarita for me, and he ordered a gin and tonic. We sat there silently for a few minutes, and then he looked over at me again.

"So, want to tell me what happened?" He asked taking a sip of his drink. I sighed and downed the three shots quickly. "Whoa, slow down there, Bella. You do have to drive home you know." He said with a laugh. "I walked here." I muttered taking a drink of the margarita.

"What happened?" He asked again. "He barely even looked at me when he got home tonight! He just walked over to the baby, and sat down to watch TV with her. I went over to talk to him, and he flat out ignored me. I had to yell at him to get his attention!" I exclaimed as fresh tears welled in my eyes. He rubbed my back in a comforting gesture and sighed heavily.

"What did he say when you yelled at him?" He asked. "He said we have a newborn, and he's tired." I sighed. "Yeah, that's pretty much the same response I get." He replied dryly.

"I tried explaining to him that I'm tired, too, but it didn't make a difference. It's like he doesn't care what happens to us, and I'm tired of fighting for both of us." I cried. "I know the feeling." He muttered.

We sat quietly for awhile, both of us lost in our own thoughts. And then we chatted for awhile longer about nothing and everything. It was nice to have someone to talk to who seemed to care about what I had to say. It had been so long since Edward had acted like he really cared, and I was thoroughly enjoying myself. A part of me wondered if this was a good idea, but I ignored that part and concentrated solely on having a good time.

"Let's get out of here." James said after a few minutes of silence. "And go where?" I asked with a smile. He leaned over and kissed me. Chastely at first, and then when I didn't pull away he deepened the kiss. The only excuse I had was that I was a little drunk by this point, and that wasn't even a good excuse. He pulled away with a smile, and raised his eyebrows at me. I nodded slightly and he grabbed my hand pulling me along.

He drove to a remote hotel on the outskirts of town. He got out quickly, and I followed nervously behind him. He rented a room, and grabbed my hand pulling me along again. The minute we were in the room he was kissing me and pulling my clothes off. Before I knew it we were naked, lying in bed, and he was above me, sheathed in a condom. He leaned down to kiss me and entered me at the same time. He was smaller than Edward, and it was foreign to have another man inside of me. I had never been with anyone but Edward before this. I knew it was wrong, and I felt guilty the entire time, but I didn't stop it. And I had no excuse for that.

When it was over, he drove me as far as the bar and let me out. I walked the rest of the way home, crying the entire time. I walked up the stairs to our door, and hesitated. My heart was pounding, my hands were sweaty, and I was deathly afraid I smelled like James. I was terrified to walk through that door. With a heavy sigh I opened the door and walked in. Edward was no where to be found. I thanked whoever was up there, and went to take a shower. When I was finished I threw my dirty clothes into the washer, and started it. Then I grabbed my phone, and went to sit on the couch.

I couldn't stop the tears. What had I done? How could I have done this to the man I love? I felt dirty, and ashamed. I sat there for awhile replaying what had happened in my head; feeling worse each time it repeated. It was like a silent movie I couldn't stop. I had to tell him. In no way could I keep this from Edward. He had the right to know. As I came to that conclusion Edward came walking through the door with a sleeping Raelynn in his arms.

"Where the hell have you been? I have been looking everywhere for you!" He demanded. I shifted uncomfortably on the couch, and tried to hold back the tears. "We need to talk." I said my voice thick with emotion. He didn't say anything just went and put Raelynn to bed. He walked back out and sat in the chair across from me. I wanted to be close to him, but I knew I didn't deserve that.

"I…I did something." I whispered as the tears started falling again. "I don't want to know, Bella. I swear to God I don't want to know." He said jumping to his feet. "You need to know." I replied. "You're wrong. I don't need to know. Don't tell me." He pleaded.

"I have to tell you, Edward." I said crying harder. He started pacing the floor, running his hand through his hair. "What did you do?" He whispered brokenly.

"I…I cheated on you." I said and then quickly covered my mouth to keep the sobs from escaping. He stopped pacing, and just stared at me. I stared right back; too afraid to look away. Finally he sat back down, and put his head in his hands. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I whispered.

He looked up at me angrily. "You're sorry? You fucked somebody else and all you can say is you're sorry?" He demanded. "I don't know what else to say." I cried. "I want you to explain to me how this happened." He said.

"I met him at the market a few weeks ago. We just talked at first, and then we had coffee one day, and tonight when I left I was angry and hurt so I asked him to meet me for drinks. And I got a little drunk, and he kissed me…and then it just happened." I explained trying very hard to contain my emotions.

"This doesn't just happen, Bella. Why the fuck were you even talking to him in the first place?" He yelled. "Because you weren't talking to me! You've been ignoring me for over a month, Edward! I was lonely, and hurt. You won't touch, you barely look at me, and you sure as hell aren't having sex with me. He was going through the same thing with his wife so I thought it was safe to just talk to him!" I yelled back.

"I didn't plan for this to happen, Edward. Please do-"

"Please what? What the fuck do you expect me to do here, Bella?" He demanded cutting me off.

"I don't know, Edward! I don't know!" I sobbed. He stood up and starting pacing again. He walked into the kitchen, and came back out with a beer. He sat down on the chair, and took a long swig. He looked over at me, and shook his head. "Every time I look at you I see you with some guy. I can't even look at my own wife." He muttered angrily.

I just sat there crying; knowing I deserved anything he said to me. After a while I looked up at him and whispered, "Please don't leave me." He stood up and threw the beer bottle against the wall. "Why the fuck should I stay? Huh? Tell me that!" He demanded.

"Because I love you! I don't want to lose you over this!" I cried. "You love me? You just fucked somebody else, Bella! How am I supposed to believe that you love me?" He yelled.

"I do love you! Look at what happened with Victoria! You said you loved me then, too! I forgave you for that! Can't you forgive me for this?" I yelled back.

"Is that what this about? You fucked some guy to back at me for the whole Victoria thing?" He asked a disgusted look on his face. "No! I'm just saying you kissed her and said you loved me. Yes, I cheated on you, but it doesn't mean I don't love you!" I exclaimed.

"Exactly, Bella. I kissed her. I didn't fuck her." He said. "You said yourself you didn't know where it would have went if you hadn't been caught, Edward." I snapped.

"I WOULDN'T HAVE CHEATED ON YOU!"He screamed at me. "WHAT DO YOU CALL KISSING HER?" I screamed back. Raelynn started crying at that moment so I got up and went to get her. I felt bad for screaming and fighting with Edward when I knew she was there, but it wasn't like I could take it back now. I walked back into the living room as a knock sounded at the door.

Edward walked over and opened it quickly. James was standing there looking shocked and a little embarrassed. Edward looked from me to him and back to me with a glare. "Is this the guy?" He asked cocking his head to the side. I was too afraid to answer that question so I said nothing. He took that for a yes and turned back to James. He pushed him roughly, and then punched him square in the jaw.

"What gives you the right to touch my fucking wife? Don't you have your own wife at home? Why don't you go back to her and leave us the fuck alone buddy." Edward yelled stepping towards James again. I walked over and grabbed Edward's shoulder trying to stop him.

"Edward stop! Just let him leave!" I exclaimed pulling at his arm. He shook me off, and turned to me angrily. "What do you care what happens to him?" He demanded. "I don't! I don't want you going to jail!" I yelled. Raelynn was screaming by this point so I turned away, and walked into the bedroom with her. I bounced her up and down, walking around the room with her until she calmed down. Once she was calm again I laid down on the bed, and snuggled up to her.

"No more fighting sweet girl." I whispered kissing her cheek. Edward came walking into the room, and went straight to his closet. Fresh tears started falling because I knew he was leaving, and there was nothing I could do stop him. Still, I had to try.

"Edward please don't leave." I said as I got up and walked over to his closet. He was packing his clothes into a small suitcase. "I can't stay here, Bella. I just can't." He replied quietly.

"Can't we work this out? Is there no hope for us because of this?" I whispered. He stopped packing, and looked up at me brokenly. "I just don't know anymore, Bella. We were fading before, and now this…I don't know." He replied.

"We weren't fading, Edward, you just weren't communicating with me." I cried. "You're right. I wasn't, but that still doesn't make what you did okay." He said resuming his packing.

"What…what about Rae?" I whispered.

"I'll come over Wednesday and take her for awhile, and then next weekend I'll take her. We'll work it out from there." He replied. "You're going to go that long without seeing her?" I asked wiping at the tears.

"I don't fucking know, Bella. It's late, I'm tired, and I'm not thinking clearly. I just want to get out of here. I'll call you tomorrow or something." He said with a sigh.

"Why don't you just sleep on the couch then? You shouldn't be driving right now. Not like this." I suggested. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

"Fine. I'll get up with the baby just wake me up alright?" He said walking past me. I climbed back into bed next to Raelynn, and cried myself to sleep.


	61. Chapter 61

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is the need for a haircut! And a stiff drink after that last chapter. Here's to hoping ya'll don't hate me! 2 Songs for this chapter-"I don't believe you"- Pink. (It's one of my favorites by her!) And "You don't know her like I do"-Brantley Gilbert. (Country.) **

I didn't sleep much that night, and neither did Edward from the looks of it. Alice was on her way to get Raelynn so Edward and I could talk for awhile, and I was extremely nervous. I was also thankful that Edward hadn't left yet. That was what kept me up most of the night; I was afraid he had decided not to stay. I'd finally gotten up for good around six o'clock, and Edward was already up sitting on the couch; head in his hands. I hated myself for doing this to him. To us. I was so stupid. I had made breakfast purely for something to keep me busy, but neither of us had eaten. So I was cleaning up the kitchen when Alice got there. I knew she was mad at me so I figured I'd just stay in the kitchen until she left, but of course that didn't work.

"Bella, get your ass out here right now." She snapped poking her head into the kitchen. I put the dish towel down with a sigh and walked out to the living room. I sat down in the chair across from her and Edward and waited for the yelling.

"Look, I've know you both for a very long time now. And I've seen you go through some pretty tough shit, and you've always come out of it alright. Edward, you've done some pretty stupid shit during this relationship, the last being with Victoria. Bella, you just fucked up royally. But, you two are married, and you have a baby now. You need to talk this through, and figure out a way to make this right. That's all I wanted to say." She said defiantly.

She gathered up Raelynn's diaper bag and put her in the car seat. Then she hugged Edward, and kissed my cheek, and went on her way. Edward and I sat there in silence for quite a while. I had no idea what to say to him. Sorry just didn't seem like enough. I had no words to describe how I felt about what I had done, or how to make it right. So I just sat there waiting for him to speak. We'd been sitting there so long I was afraid he wasn't going to say anything, but then he shook his head and looked up at me.

"I don't know, Bella. I don't know if I can forgive you for this. I don't…I don't know if the love I have for you is enough to get us through this." He said quietly.

"Don't say that. Don't sit here and pretend not to love me enough. Because I don't believe you. I know better than that. You love me, and I love you. And our love has always been enough to get us through anything." I replied quickly.

"I need you, Bella, but I don't need you enough for this. Every time I look at you I see him on top of you. How am I supposed to get over that? How am I supposed to ever trust you again?" He asked.

"I know it's going to be hard, Edward. It was hard for me too, but I did it. If I can do it I know you can. You're stronger than I am. You've always been the stronger one." I answered.

"Not this time. This is it, Bella. I've had enough. I can't deal with this. I don't even know where to start." He said. "After everything we've been through you're going to give up on us now? After all the fights, all the work we've put into this?" I asked as the tears began falling again.

"That's the problem, Bella. We've had too much go wrong for me to believe that this could ever work again. This was the last straw." He replied. "I don't believe that. We can make it through this, Edward. I know we can." I said firmly.

"Let me make this clear for you, Bella. You ruined everything by what you did. Nothing you can say or do is ever going to make things right between us again. I don't want you anymore." He said harshly. He stood up, and walked to the door. "I'm going to keep Raelynn tonight. I'll bring her back tomorrow afternoon." He said, and then he walked out on me.

**EPOV-**

"How'd it go?" Alice asked as I walked in. I sat down on the couch and sighed heavily. "I think I just made the biggest mistake of my life." I admitted. "What did you do?" Alice sighed sitting next to me.

"I told her I didn't want her anymore." I replied quickly. "Is that true?" She asked. "No." I answered gruffly. "I don't know how to deal with this, Alice. She cheated on me. She broke my heart. How do I get over that?" I asked solemnly.

"Hey, asshole. You cheated on her, too. She dealt with it. She got over it. Why are you being so fucking stubborn?" She snapped.

"I didn't have sex with Victoria!" I exclaimed angrily. "You kissed her. Cheating is cheating, and kissing another woman when you're married is cheating. You broke her heart when you did that. She found a way to get over it, and accept it. You need to do the same, and do it quick. Because we both know how Bella deals with tragedy in her life, and I don't want to lose my best friend." She replied quickly.

"She wouldn't do that, Alice. She has Raelynn now. Nothing could take her away from her daughter. Not even me." I scoffed. "If you believe that than you really don't know your wife." Alice snorted.

"God damn it, Alice! Why do you have to put that shit in my head? Now I'm going to be worried all fucking night." I snapped. "So go check on her." She shrugged. "And while you're at it tell her you lied. Tell her you'll figure this out together. Like you should be doing in the first place." She continued.

"What if I can't get over it?" I asked quietly. "Do you love her?" She asked. "Yes." I replied fervently. "Can you picture your life without her?" She asked. "No." I almost shouted. "Then you'll get over it. Go home and tend to your wife and then come back and get your kid." She demanded none too gently.

I tried calling Bella on my way over to our apartment, but she didn't answer. That worried me, so I called Carlisle and asked him to meet me at home with his bag. Better safe than sorry. The second I parked I bolted from the car, and ran upstairs. I called out for Bella, but she wasn't answering so I started searching the apartment. When I got to the bathroom I found the door locked. I banged on it.

"Bella, open the door." I demanded. "Go away." She said quietly. It broke my heart to hear her sound so broken, and that's when I knew that it didn't matter what she had done. I would forgive her anything, and I had to let her know that. But I wanted to see her face, and know she was alright first.

"Bella, please open the door, love." I pleaded. It was quiet for several minutes, and then I heard the lock on the door click. I opened it immediately, and found her sitting on the floor leaning against the tub. She was pale, and her eyes were dilated. I looked down and saw that she had cut her leg several times as well. I knelt before her and held her face in my hands.

"Bella, listen to me. This is important. What did you take?" I asked. "Remember that Vicoden you hid when I hurt my hand? I found it." She giggled. I had forgotten all about that. _Fuck me._ "How many did you take, Bella?" I asked quickly.

"Hey, you aren't supposed to be here. Go away." She mumbled pushing my hands away. I sighed heavily and picked her up bridal style. I walked as fast as I could out the door and the stairs to my car. I gently placed her in the passenger seat, and ran around to my side. I called Carlisle and asked him to meet me at the hospital instead. Bella passed out a few minutes before I reached the hospital and I cursed loudly. I parked in front of the emergency room doors, and got Bella out as quickly as possible. I walked quickly inside and up to the first nurse I saw.

"She overdosed on Vicoden. I don't know how many she took. She passed out about five minutes ago." I said in a rush. She took Bella from me and told me to wait in the waiting room. I did so reluctantly and paced the floor until Carlisle showed up. I explained what had happened, and he rushed off to find out what was going on. He came back awhile later and said they had to stitch the cuts on her leg, and they were pumping her stomach, but other than that he didn't know.

Two long hours later a doctor came in, and led me back to see my love. "She's not breathing one hundred percent on her own right now so you need to be prepared. She has a ventilation tube in, and she's hooked up to a lot of equipment. I think you got to her in time, but her body needs time to recuperate. Once she wakes up I believe we'll be able to take the tube out, but how long before that happens is entirely up to her." He explained quickly as we were walking. He stopped in front of the door to Bella's room.

"I have another patient to tend to, but I'll be back so if you have any questions I'll be glad to answer them." He stated. I thanked him and walked inside. I was not prepared to see Bella in the condition that she was in. Tears stung my eyes as I sat down beside her and took her hand in mine. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and looked up to see Carlisle standing behind me.

"I can't lose her Carlisle. She's everything to me. Seeing her like this…it's like she stole my way to breathe." I said as tears began falling.

"She'll make it through this. She's strong, young and healthy. Just give her time to recuperate." He said reassuringly.

Two days later there was no change. She wasn't even trying! I had been talking to her as much as I could, but it was useless. It was like she had given up completely. I was dying inside seeing her this way, and knowing there was nothing I could about it. Her hand twitched in mine, but I ignored it. Her body had been doing that for several hours now and she still wasn't waking up. I was worried about her, but I was angry with her, too. She promised me she would never do this again, yet here we were. And to this to our daughter. What was she thinking?

"Edward, you need to go home for awhile. Take a shower, spend some time with Raelynn. I'll sit with her until you get back, and I promise to call if anything changes." Rosalie said quietly. "Yeah, maybe I'll do that. I need a break anyway." I said standing up.

I left the hospital, and went home first to take a shower and change clothes. Then I drove over to Alice's to see my baby girl. I was dead on my feet, but it wasn't Alice's responsibility to care my daughter. I walked through the door and Alice smiled at me.

"She's been sleeping for awhile. She's such a good baby, Edward." She said. I managed a smile, and sat down on the couch next to Alice. "Why don't you take a nap? You look exhausted." She suggested.

"I can't do that, Alice. What if Raelynn wakes up?" I asked. "Then I will take care of her. You need some sleep." She snapped. She got up from the couch and moved over the loveseat. I laid down, and the minute I closed my eyes I was out.

"Edward, wake up. Bella is awake."


	62. Chapter 62

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have are some very mixed reviews. I'm glad you all care so much about Edward and Bella, and I'm also sorry to those of you who are disappointed. I'm not apologizing for the way my story is written, or the things that are written in it because this story is a part of me, and my life, but I am sorry to have disappointed you. Song for this chapter-"Hurt"-Christina Aguilera. **

**BPOV-**

I was never happier than when the nurse took that stupid tube out of my throat. Of course, once it was out my throat was burning, along with my stomach. I felt like shit, and I felt _so_ stupid. One moment of weakness, and look where I ended up…again. God, I was stupid. I swallowed and then grimaced because even that hurt. It felt like I'd gone out binge drinking, and then spent the last few hours throwing my guts up. Which, considering they'd had to pump my stomach that wasn't entirely untrue. Rosalie was sitting with me, as was Carlisle and Emmett. Rose wouldn't even look at me, but Emmett kept smirking at me. Who knows what was going through that brain of his. When I saw Edward come barreling through the door my heart rate went into overdrive; causing the monitor to beep loudly.

"Bella, are you alright?" Carlisle asked in concern. "I'm fine." I lied, my voice hoarse. What was he doing here? Didn't he say he was done with me? That he no longer wanted me? Not that I could blame him for that. I just didn't understand why he would care what happened to me anymore. Not after what I did to him. He asked everyone to leave us alone for awhile, and when they had all left he closed the door and came over to sit beside me. He looked mad enough to spit bullets, but I didn't understand why.

"What the fuck were you thinking? You have a daughter who needs you, Bella." He finally snapped. So that's what this was about. "You didn't have to come all the way over here to tell me that, Edward. I already know how stupid it was." I said dryly.

"I don't think you've grasped the reality of the situation, Bella. Do you realize what you've done? I won't be able to leave Raelynn with you for a long time because of this. You're untrustworthy and unstable. Do you get that?" He demanded. Now I was getting mad.

"Look, Edward, you can leave if you want to, but you're not taking my fucking daughter with you. She's two months old. She needs me, and I need her. So save your self righteous little speech for someone who cares." I snapped.

"Oh, now you get that she needs you? What about when you were shoving those pills down your throat? Or how about when you were slicing your leg open… AGAIN?" He yelled. "First of all I already said it was a stupid thing to do! It was a moment of weakness. And secondly, you don't have the right to care anymore!" I yelled back.

My nurse came bursting through the door a stern look on her face. "I can hear you all the way at the other end of the hall. If you two can't keep it down I'll have ask you to leave." She snapped glaring at Edward. We apologized, and after a minute she nodded her head and left; leaving the door open as she went.

"What do you mean I don't have the right to care anymore?" He asked reaching for my hand. I pulled it away and stared at the ceiling; praying the tears threatening to fall wouldn't spill over. "You don't want me anymore remember?" I said my voice thick.

"Bella…" He sighed. "No, it's fine. I'll admit that it hurts a lot, but you're right. What I did was unforgivable, and I don't blame you for not wanting to be with me anymore. But, I do blame you for pushing me away. I'm more to blame than you are, but you had some to do with it, too." I said quietly as the tears finally fell.

"You're right. This was partially my fault, and I understand that. I really was tired, love. I was trying to adjust to being a parent, and I put so much energy into that, that I just sort of…forgot about us. I knew you were talking to someone though." He confessed. I looked at him wide-eyed. "I picked up your phone a couple weeks ago to text Alice, and I saw the text messages." He shrugged.

"Why didn't you say anything?" I asked. He shrugged again. "I thought if I ignored it, it would go away. I honestly didn't think it would come to this." He replied. "Neither did I." I whispered. He nodded and wiped at his eyes. Alice came walking in and she stopped just inside the door when she saw Edward sitting there.

"Did you tell her yet?" She asked pointedly. "No." He replied. "Tell. Her." She ground out before walking back out the door.

"Tell me what? Is Raelynn okay?" I asked starting to panic. "She's fine, love. It's nothing like that." He replied quickly. "So what is it?" I demanded gently. He blew out a long breath, and just stared at me for awhile.

"God, you're beautiful." He whispered fervently. And cue more tears. "Do me a favor, and don't say things like that to me alright? I don't deserve that." I said. "Why don't you?" He asked arching a brow. He was so fucking confusing! I told him as much and he laughed at me.

"I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be. Let me make it clear for you, love. I don't care what you did. It doesn't matter to me. I love you, and I want to be with you." He said. "You don't have to lie to me, Edward. I promise I won't try to kill myself again." I snorted.

"Bella, look at me." He demanded. Reluctantly I turned to look in his eyes. "When I saw you practically dying on the bathroom floor that sort of put things perspective for me. I want to be with you. I love you." He said again.

"Oh, I see. Well, hey, look I don't want you to feel obligated to me okay? I mean I get that it was scary for you, and I'm really sorry about that, but it's not going to happen again. So, I'll be alright on my own." I replied quickly.

"That's not what I meant. I was already on my way back to tell you I wanted to be with you, and then I found you and it just made it all the more clear to me. I do love you, Bella." He said. "Edward, seriously. I'll be okay." I stated. The last thing I wanted, or needed was him staying with me out of fear, or pity.

"Damn it, Bella! You are a stubborn pain in the ass you know that?" He exclaimed jumping out of his seat. He started pacing the floor, and I sighed heavily.

"Look, you were right. I ruined us. I ruined everything. I don't expect to be forgiven for this anymore, and like I said I don't blame you for not wanting me." I said.

"I know what I said, Bella, but I didn't mean it! I was hurt and confused and I hadn't slept all damn night! I wasn't thinking clearly!" He exclaimed walking over to my bed. He leaned over so he was just inches from my face and whispered, "I want you. I love you. We will get through this." And then he kissed me. This kiss was sweet, yet passionate, and meant to show how much he loved me.

"Do you believe me now?" He asked breaking away from me. I couldn't speak just yet, so I nodded instead. "Good." He said with a cocky smile. He sat back down, and grabbed my hand intertwining our fingers. We sat there quietly for awhile before the nurse came in to check on me again. She gave me an antibiotic through my IV, and after checking to see if I needed anything she left.

"What did your doctor say?" Edward asked. "That I was lucky you found me when you did, and I'd be here for another night." I answered quickly. "That's all he said to you?" He asked in disbelief. "He sent a psychiatrist in to talk with me, and she determined I was stable enough to go home. She said she felt confident that I wasn't a risk to myself or anyone else." I said with a sigh. He always could see right through me.

"That's good. I'm still not leaving you alone with Raelynn." He commented quickly. I shot him a pointed glare. "You have to work, Edward. What are you going to do?" I asked dryly. "I'm taking a couple of weeks off work, and after that we'll see where we stand." He said with a shrug.

I was about to lay into him for missing so much work when Alice and the gang came strolling in. they even had the babies with them. I held arms out, wiggling my fingers until Alice handed me Raelynn. She was wide awake and the second she found my eyes she locked onto them like she'd never seen me before. Looking at her just made me feel worse for trying to kill myself. How could I try and take this little girl's mother away from her? She needed me too much, and as I sat there holding her I realized just how much I needed her. I looked over at Alice to see her glaring daggers at me.

"Alice, I'm sorry." I said quietly.

"I told you not to pull a stunt like this again." She said in a low voice. "I know." I replied even quieter. "I'm already raising one daughter I don't want to have to help raise another one just yet." She snapped.

"I know, Alice. I'm sorry." I repeated. "And I'm sure I don't have to tell you how stupid this was." She muttered. "No, you don't." I sighed.

"Well, are you going to do it again? I mean is this just going to keep happening every time something goes wrong in your life?" She demanded.

"No, Alice. It will _never_ happen again." I vowed. "Are you sure because you've said that before." She stated.

"I swear it will never happen again." I replied. "Okay, then I'm glad you're okay." She said with a smile.

They all stayed as late as possible; which was until the nurse kicked them out, and then it was just Edward and I again. I tried telling him to go home with the baby, but he insisted on staying for a while longer. We talked off and on for a few hours until I started falling asleep on him, and then he gave me a kiss and said he'd be back first thing in the morning. I fell asleep that night wondering what I had done to deserve a man such as Edward.


	63. Chapter 63

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. First of all thanks for all the reviews and the newbies adding my story to your alerts/favs! Secondly, can I please just say how frikkin' excited I am to see Magic Mike? HA! I think it's going to be great! Song for this chapter-"Animal I have become"-Three Days Grace. (It's for Edward and Bella.) **

_Two months later-_

"Bella, why don't you tell me some complaints you have with Edward." Susan, our marriage counselor, suggested.

"I don't have any complaints." I said quickly. "Oh, come on, Bella. You're not even trying!" Edward snapped.

"Actually, I do have one. He's so fucking angry all the time." I said glaring at him. "I am not." He ground out through his teeth. "See!" I exclaimed. "But only with me. Everybody else he's completely normal to, but the minute we're alone he's closed off, brooding or pouting or what the fuck ever and he won't talk to me!" I yelled.

"Oh, I talk to you!" He yelled back. "Yeah, about the baby!" I exclaimed angrily.

"Alright, let's calm down. Edward, why don't you tell me what has you so upset with Bella?" Susan asked. He shifted in his seat, and stared at the floor.

"Go ahead. Tell her." I pushed. He shot me a dirty look, and said, "She had an affair, and then tried to kill herself…again."

"So why did you continuously tell me for over a week that everything was fine, and we were okay and you forgot all about it?" I demanded.

"Would you _please_ stop talking to me in that antagonizing tone of voice?" Edward exclaimed. "Oh, I'm sorry. Does this bother you? Newsflash babe you bother me!" I snapped.

"Well, there's an easy solution for that problem now isn't there?" Edward snapped back. "You want to leave? Then LEAVE. Quit threatening me with that bullshit!" I yelled.

"Do you two fight like this at home as well?" Susan asked. "No, there has to be talking involved to argue. And we don't talk. Unless it has something to do with Raelynn." I replied.

"Okay, we're going to try something. We're going to sit here, and try to have a grown up conversation. Not an argument or a yelling match; just a conversation. It can be about anything you want it to be about except the affair, or her suicidal attempt." Susan stated calmly.

Fifteen minutes later we still hadn't said a word to each other. How sad was that? We couldn't even hold a conversation in our therapist's office how the hell were we going to do that at home? With a sigh, I turned to look at my husband.

"When are you planning on going back to work?" I asked calmly. "I'm going to talk to Alice next week to see if she can start coming over in the mornings to be with you and the baby and if she can then the week after that." He replied.

"And if she can't?" I asked trying my hardest to keep my cool. "Then I'll figure something else out." He said. "I am capable of taking care of my own child, Edward." I said through clenched teeth. My resolve was fading, so sue me. "I would love to talk to about this with you, Bella, but we aren't permitted to discuss your recent tirades." He said with a cheeky smile.

I clenched and unclenched my fists several times as I counted first to ten, and then thirty. And when that wasn't enough I got up and started pacing the floor. "Alright, Bella what's got you so upset?" Susan asked.

"_HE_ has me so upset!" I exclaimed. "I've tried explaining to him that I'm not going to hurt myself again, and I would never dream of hurting my child, but he can't even trust me enough to take care of our daughter by myself! He doesn't trust me to make a phone call by myself! It's like I'm in jail!" I continued angrily.

"Well, I wouldn't have to treat you like you're in jail if you would have just kept your fucking legs closed and not tried to kill the mother of my child!" Edward yelled. I walked over to smack him, but Susan put a hand on my shoulder to stop me. "I don't think you want to go back down that path, Bella." She said soothingly. I took a deep breath, and wiped the tears from my eyes.

"That was a little harsh, Edward. I understand that you're very upset with your wife, but talking to her in that manner is going to get you both no where very fast." Susan explained. My cries were quickly becoming sobs, and I stood up to leave.

"Bella, our session isn't over for another forty five minutes." Susan said as I opened the door. "Just give me a minute." I said walking out the door. I walked out into the cold November air, and tried taking deep breaths. Edward's comment had really hurt me, and at this point I wasn't even sure what we were doing. Why were we even trying this counseling thing because it just seemed pointless? I quit fighting off the tears and just let the sobs take over. I bent down on my knees, and just sobbed until there was nothing left. Once I had somewhat gained my composure I walked back inside and into Susan's office.

"Are you alright?" Edward asked reaching for my hand. I tucked my hands under my legs and nodded. Fresh tears were already there just waiting to spill over with whatever comment he made next. He watched me for several minutes, searching my face for what I didn't know. He always claimed to know what I was feeling by my face, and if that were true than he'd know I was hurting, and feeling like shit. The tears began falling freely and I just let them go. What was the point in stopping them? Edward reached over suddenly and rubbed his fingers across my cheeks.

I looked over at him with a pained expression and said, "That's the first time you've touched me in weeks."

"Is that true, Edward?" Susan asked. "Yes." He replied gruffly. "And why do you think that is?" She asked leaning back in her chair. "Because…every time I look at her I see that guy touching her, fucking her, and it's…it's like she's tainted now." He explained slowly.

He tried to touch me again, but I pulled away from him. He was right. I was tainted. Ruined for him. No longer good enough for him. I started crying harder, and stood up. "I'm sorry. Can we…just end this now?" I asked. "End what, Bella?" Susan asked. I shook my head, and ran from the room. I ran outside, and paced by the car; waiting for Edward to come out. He did so a few minutes later, walking quickly towards me with my coat. Once he reached me, he opened my coat and helped me into it.

"What's wrong, Bella?" He asked. "Can we just go get the baby please?" I asked. "No, not until you tell me what's wrong. Let me fix it." He replied. "You can't fix it! You said it yourself. I'm tainted! Ruined. Not good anymore. Just take me to my daughter." I said turning away from him. He sighed, but said nothing as he unlocked and opened my door for me. I climbed in the car and he slammed the door shut.

"We have another appointment in two days. It's at four o'clock so I'm going to see if Esme can watch the baby and give Alice a break." He explained. I nodded my head and swiped at the tears that were rapidly falling.

"You have to go back to work, Edward. It's been two months. You only intended to take a couple weeks off. You're going to lose your job." I said quietly. "I know that." He snapped. He sighed, and stole a glance in my direction. "Sorry. They called me yesterday. I have two weeks to come back or they'll replace me." He said.

"You're going to have to trust me, Edward. At least with Rae; you can't lose your job over this." I stated. "I've been doing everything you've asked me to do, and more. I think I deserve a shot at being alone with our daughter for a few hours during the day." I continued when he didn't say anything.

"You aren't telling me anything I don't already know, Bella." He said angrily. I sighed heavily, and shook my head. Neither of us spoke for the rest of the ride from Port Angeles to home. Alice had come over with Lilly to watch Raelynn today because she was already out; that made it easier for us at least.

As soon as Edward parked the car I bolted. I walked quickly up the stairs, and into our apartment, heading straight for Raelynn. She was lying on the floor playing with her little jungle mat, and the minute she saw me she started kicking her legs and swinging her arms in an excited motion. It warmed my heart that she did that because it meant she knew who I was, and was excited to see me. I scooped her up and planted kisses all over her face. She smiled up at me in return.

"How was it?" Alice asked. "Well, your brother hates me, and we can't even have a conversation without him getting mad or snapping on me." I replied fighting back tears. "It can't be that bad." She said softly.

"Oh, no. It's worse than that." I said collapsing into the chair. "I don't think he'll forgive me for this. Which means there's likely a divorce in our future." I said as the tears started falling again. She sighed, and leaned forward to pat my leg. "Don't give up so easily. He loves you, Bella. He's just having a hard time with what happened. You were the same way for a spell." She stated with a small smile.

"I know I had a hard time with it, and I'm not saying he shouldn't be either. But, I wasn't deliberately mean or hateful to him. It's like he goes out of his way to make sure I know just how angry he is. If he's that angry with me than why stay? It's not good for anyone." I explained just as Edward came walking through the door.

"What isn't good for anyone?" He asked walking over and taking Raelynn from me. I hated when he did that. It made me feel incompetent. Like I couldn't even be trusted to hold our daughter. I excused myself and went to the bathroom to cry in peace. I expected Alice to come and check on me, what I didn't expect was Edward.

"What's the matter?" He asked sharply. I snorted and shook my head. It was like he forgot how to speak nicely to me.

"Why don't you just leave?" I whispered after a minute. "What?" He blanched. "It's obvious you hate me, and that you're miserable. So maybe we just need to call it quits and get on with our lives." I explained quickly wiping away my tears.

"Why would you think I hate you?" He asked quizzically. "The way you look at me, the way you talk to me, the way you ignore me, or maybe how you take Raelynn away from me as if there's something wrong with me that could rub off on her." I said quickly.

"Well, I don't hate you, and I'm not leaving." He snapped before turning and walking away. Well, maybe he wasn't leaving, but that didn't mean I had to stay.


	64. Chapter 64

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is a very tired toddler, and the need for some sunflower seeds! Anybody wanna help a girl out? =] Song for this chapter-"With you"- Linkin Park. (And if you don't like LP well…then I don't like you! j/k =]) Sorry for the long delay I took a trip to see my momma for a few days. **

"So, how has the last two days been for the two of you?" Susan asked as we sat down on her couch. I looked over at Edward, waiting to see what he would say.

"Not the greatest. Bella tried to leave Tuesday evening after we got home, but I persuaded her to stay." He said with a sigh.

"Bella, why do you feel that leaving is a better option?" Susan asked looking at me. "Because all we do is fight, and that's if we're even speaking to one another. I just…I just don't think this is going to work out." I admitted. I stole a glance in Edward's direction, and he actually looked surprised.

"Why would you say that?" He asked after a few minutes of silence. I shifted in my seat with a sigh, and looked at him full on. "Edward, you said so yourself two days ago. I'm tainted. You only see me and James together when you look at me. Lately, I just bring the worst out in you. I am the worst part of you, and that's why I think we're better off apart." I explained.

"I still love you, Bella. I still need you." He said as if it should be obvious to me. "Maybe it's like you said before. The love we have for each other isn't enough. You don't need me enough for this." I shrugged.

"No, I told you I didn't mean it when I said that." Edward replied, shifting in his seat. "Edward, it's okay. Whether you meant it or not it's the truth, and I think its time we both accept it." I declared feeling oddly calm as I said these words.

"No, damn it! I don't want a divorce, Bella! I don't want a separation; I don't want us to be apart!" He exclaimed.

"Well, I'm tired, Edward! I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not! I'm tired of feeling like a…a whore! I'm tired of being treated this way! I'd rather be on my own, and all alone than stay with you and be treated this way any longer!" I yelled.

"Am I really so bad?" He whispered. "With Raelynn, no. With everyone else, no. But with me? Yes! I'm not saying I don't deserve it, but I can't take it anymore!" I exclaimed.

"Bella, why have you stayed with him this long if it's as bad as you say it is?" Susan asked.

I sighed heavily, and shrugged. "Because I love him, and I thought it would get better. We were so close, and now he's so distant. And I don't know how to get him back. I don't know if I can get him back. Not after what I did and how angry he is with me." I said quietly.

"I'm not angry with you." Edward whispered. "You're not?" I asked dryly. He shook his head, and sighed heavily.

"I'm angry with myself." He confessed after several minutes. "_Why?_" I blanched. "Because it's my fault, Bella! I forgot about us! I concentrated so much on Raelynn that I just forgot to pay attention to you, and I of all people should know what happens when the one you love ignores you!" He exclaimed angrily.

"Edward, you have to understand that what Bella did was not your fault. People make bad choices every day, and that day she made a bad choice. You had no control over what she would or wouldn't do." Susan explained quickly.

"She left the apartment that night because I was ignoring her. She was hurt and upset and it was because of me. I pushed her away, and pushed her right into the arms of another man." He said brokenly.

"No!" I shouted. "Don't you dare do this, Edward! I did this, not you! It is not your fault!" I exclaimed. "I still would have talked to him even if we were okay." I added.

"You still would have slept with him if things were right with us?" He asked disbelievingly. "I…I don't know, Edward. But, I know that it isn't your fault! I made that decision; not you!" I replied.

"I know you, Bella, and I know that if things were right between us you never would have given him the time of day. It's just not you." He said quietly. I groaned in frustration and shook my head. I wanted to slap him silly, but I refrained. Mostly because there was a witness.

"Edward. I did this. This is my fault. Completely my fault. It had nothing to do with you." I said seriously. "It had everything to do with me." He muttered. I groaned again and grabbed his face forcing him to look at him. "So was it my fault then when you went to Victoria? I was the one who got pregnant. Does that make it my fault?" I demanded.

"No!" He said fervently. I held tighter onto his face as he tried to pull away from me. "This is not your fault. You had nothing to do with this. Do you understand me?" I demanded again. He stared at me for so long I thought he wouldn't answer, and then he shocked me. He grabbed my head, and pushed my lips against his in a rough kiss. He pulled away from after a few minutes, and I went and sat back down.

Susan cleared her throat and looked down at her watch. "We are out of time for today. Let's try for next Thursday around this same time okay?" She suggested. We both nodded, and stood to leave. Just as last time Edward helped me into my coat, but then he surprised me again by grabbing my hand as we walked out to the car.

"Wonder what we did to get the good behavior." I muttered nervously. "How do you mean?" He asked. "We don't have to come back in two days. We get a whole week. We did something right. Though what it was I have no idea." I explained.

We walked over to my side of the care, and Edward pushed me up against the door. I stood there, bracing myself for whatever was coming. He stood there staring at me for a long measure of time, and he leaned in ever so slowly, and kissed me. Softly at first, and then more demanding. It quickly grew into a hunger, a need to be met. He slid his hand up under my shirt until he found my breast. I moaned into his mouth, and then he pulled himself away from me with a small smile on his face. To say I was confused would be an understatement. With a sigh and a fix of my shirt I climbed into the car.

Edward was still smiling, and that confused me further. I had no idea what was going on in his brain, and that sort of worried me. We drove from Port Angeles back to Forks in a comfortable silence for a change, and then I got confused again.

"The baby is with Esme." I said. "I know." Was his reply. "So, why are you stopping at our apartment?" I asked as he turned the car off and got out. He walked over to my side, opened the door for me, helped me out, and then shut it quickly. Again we walked hand in hand up the stairs into our apartment. I stood just inside and put my arms on my hips.

"What is going on?" I demanded. He walked slowly over to me and stopped behind me. He pulled my coat off slowly, kissing my neck and jaw line as he did so. Then he turned me around roughly and kissed me deeply as he started undoing the buttons my shirt. When he was through he pulled it roughly off of me and tossed it to the side. He started kissing me along my neck, down between my breasts, and then down to my stomach. He kneeled there, and undid the buttons of my jeans. He lifted one of my legs and took the shoe off, then did other shoe, and then slid my blue jeans down torturously slow until I stepped out of them.

He stood back up, grabbed my hand, and pulled me along to the bedroom. My heart was in my throat by this point, and it was only beating faster by the second. Once in the bedroom he pushed me roughly onto the bed, and undressed quickly. I scooted back further onto the bed as he began crawling up towards me. He had a wicked smile on his face and a gleam to his eye I had never seen before. He stopped halfway up the bed, and ripped my panties off with one hand.

"I liked those!" I exclaimed. "Shut up." He demanded. I clamped my mouth shut more out of surprise than obedience, and watched him crawl the rest of the way up to me. He claimed my mouth in a demanding kiss, thrusting his tongue into my mouth, and biting at my lips. I kissed him back with all the passion I had and then moaned as he entered me.

I expected what he had always given me; slow, gentle, loving, but this time was different. He was fast in his movements, rough and angry. It was almost to the point of hurting, but instead it felt good. He showed no restraint, and for the first time no control. It was intense, and more passionate than it had ever been between us. The second it was over he rolled onto his side, and I immediately missed the connection. We laid there for several minutes trying to catch out breath.

"Did I hurt you?" He finally asked. "No." I breathed. "I wasn't sure I'd be able to make love to you again." He confessed after a few more minutes. So this had been a test? He'd only wanted to see if he were still able to do it; he didn't do it just because he felt like it.

"Well, you have your answer." I said curtly. I got up and walked quickly to the bathroom to clean up. When I walked back out Edward was sitting up on the bed, staring at the floor.

"I didn't mean that the way it sounded, Bella." He said quietly. "I wanted to make love to you. If I didn't I wouldn't have done just that. I was just saying I was a little afraid that it wouldn't be the same." He continued when I didn't say anything.

I bit my lip, and walked into my closet. I pulled out a t-shirt and a pair of yoga pants and walked back out. Edward was still sitting on the bed a pained expression on his face. "You need to get dressed. We should go get the baby." I said with a sigh.

"No, we're not going anywhere until you talk to me." He declared. "What do you want to talk about?" I asked walking back to the closet for some new underwear. I slipped them on and then walked back out to put my pants on.

"Can you just stop for one second?" Edward asked in exasperation. I sighed heavily, but went to sit next to him on the bed. He grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers. "I want things to be right between us." He said quietly.

"So do I." I whispered. "But, I still have a lot of unresolved feelings about what you did." He said slowly. "I know." I replied.

"So what do we do?" He asked after a minute. "We…keep going to therapy, and we talk about our feelings, and maybe we separate." I answered hesitantly. "I don't want to separate." He muttered angrily.

"Maybe it's for the best, Edward. I mean, we can't keep going the way we have been. What kind of life is that for Raelynn? What kind of life is that for either one of us?" I asked with a sigh.

"I'll try harder, Bella. Christ, I'll do whatever it takes to keep you from leaving!" He exclaimed. I got up and finished getting dressed. "Are you really mad at yourself or you are really mad at me?" I asked when I was finished.

"I'm mad at myself, but I'm mad at you, too." He replied. "Then we need a separation. At least until you resolve some of those feelings because I'm not going to live like this anymore. I can't do it, Edward." I stated.

"You don't have to, love. I swear things will be different. I'll start talking to you again, I won't be an angry jackass all the time, and I won't yell or snap on you anymore either." He vowed. "I don't know, Edward." I sighed.

"Just give me some time. You'll see; things will be different." He said quickly.


	65. Chapter 65

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is a pretty bad sunburn from staying at the pool all day with the girls and my mother while I was visiting her. Ouch! Thanks for all your lovely reviews they mean everything to me! Song for this chapter-"Remind me"-Brad Paisley ft Carrie Underwood. **

I woke up around five the next morning and couldn't get back to sleep. Edward and I had been up late talking about how we could improve our relationship, and in my opinion we got a whole lot of nowhere. We just kept coming right back to the fact that he's still angry with me. I don't blame him for being angry still; I just wish I knew how to make it better. Nothing I said last night had helped that was for sure. It just seemed to make him angrier. I sighed in frustration, and went to check on Raelynn to find her still fast asleep. The last month she had been sleeping through the night and it looked as though she was going to keep up with that pattern. That made for one happy mama.

I walked into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee, and then went to the laundry room to start a load of laundry. Once that was done I walked back out to the kitchen, and poured a cup of coffee. I added my goodies and went to sit in the living room. Edward was sitting on the couch staring off into space when I walked in there.

"What are you doing up?" I asked sitting down. "I couldn't sleep. I thought we could talk before the baby woke up." He said gruffly. "Okay, about what?" I asked shifting so that I could see him better.

"How can I trust you again, Bella?" He asked in return. "With time and with me showing you that you can trust me." I replied without missing a beat.

"How do I get over this?" He asked turning to look at me. I sighed. "I don't know how to answer that question, Edward. For me it was deciding whether the past was more important to hold on to than you were, and if I thought you would do it again. You can't hold on to what I did and say you're going to get over it. It's one or the other; we either go forward or we get a divorce. If you don't want a divorce than you're going to have to get over it and forgive me. I don't want to stay in limbo forever, Edward." I answered.

"You're asking a lot of me." He commented. "I'm not asking anymore out of you than you did with me." I replied shortly. "And before you say it I know you didn't sleep with her, but you did kiss her. If what I did is too much for you then just say it. Don't keep prolonging the inevitable because you're comfortable with our lives. It's not fair." I continued.

"You're being awfully straightforward this morning." Edward said with a sigh. "I told you last night I'm tired of living this way. I meant it." I replied with a shrug. I took a sip of my coffee and set it back down.

"So if I can't get over this then what? We just go our separate ways?" He asked. I nodded. "I don't want to lose you and Raelynn." He said quietly. "You'll never lose your daughter, Edward. Just because you don't want to lose me doesn't mean its okay to stay the way we are." I replied.

"So you keep saying." He muttered under his breath. "I'm not trying to sound like a bitch, or sound like I don't appreciate you trying to work on this with me, but you have this weekend to make up your mind. Come Sunday I'd appreciate an answer one way or the other. Either we move forward or we go our separate ways. Either way something needs to change." I stated.

Raelynn started fussing so I got up to go get her leaving Edward to think about what I'd said. I knew it sounded harsh, but I couldn't be any other way anymore. I was tired of living the way we were, and I needed to know if we were going to get through this or not. It didn't make me any less nervous to find out what his answer would be though.

"Hi baby girl!" I exclaimed picking Raelynn up from her crib. She smiled at me in return. I laid her on the changing table, changed her diaper, and picked her back up. We walked out to the living room and I handed her to Edward so I could go make her a bottle. I could hear him in there talking to her the whole time I made the bottle, and it brought tears to my eyes. If he decided we couldn't get through this I would miss these moments greatly. I wiped my eyes and walked out to the living room, bottle in hand.

"What's wrong? Why are you crying?" Edward asked as I handed him the bottle. "It's nothing." I lied sitting back down. "You hate crying." He said. "So?" I asked arching a brow. "So if you're crying there's a reason. What is it?" He asked.

Sometimes I hated how well he knew me, but I was always amazed at how easily he remembered the littlest things about me. "I told you that on our first date." I said quietly. "Yep. I came to see you in rehab and asked you to have lunch with me. You started crying and said you were mad at me for making you cry when you hated to cry." He replied quickly.

"I think I cried the whole time you were there." I said with a laugh. "You did. You were embarrassed for me to see you in that place. I told you there was no shame in getting the help you needed, and that just made you cry more. I felt like an ass the whole time for making you cry." He replied with a smile.

"Do you remember our second date?" I asked smiling back at him. "Of course I do. You had just gotten your first day pass and you called me begging me to get you out of there for a few hours. So I came and picked you up, and that was the first time we went to that Italian restaurant. That was the day I knew I'd love you forever." He answered quickly.

"Hey, you told me you were already in love with me before I even went to rehab." I said with a grin. "Oh I was, but that day seeing your eyes light up like it was the first time you'd ever seen the outside world, seeing how happy you were that made me realize just how deeply in love I was. And I vowed then that I would love you every single day of forever." He replied softly.

"And our third date?" I asked with a wide smile. He laughed out loud. "How could I ever forget the first time we made love? It was terrible!" He laughed. I laughed right along with him. "It wasn't terrible! We were just very inexperienced. The second time was better." I commented.

"Any time was better than the first!" He exclaimed still laughing.

Raelynn finished her bottle so I took it to the kitchen and rinsed it out. Again I could hear the two of them, and again it brought fresh tears to my eyes. I walked back out to the living room to see Edward lying on the floor playing with Raelynn. I smiled through the tears, and sat down next to them on the floor. Might as well get as much family time in as we can before he decides to leave. I was really hoping he wouldn't, but I knew he was having a hard time forgiving me for what I had done. I deserved it if he did leave. I jumped when Edward brushed his fingers across my cheek.

"What's the matter, love?" He asked softly. I wiped at the tears and shrugged. "I'm just going to miss this." I replied my voice thick with emotion. "You make it sound as if it's over already." He said. "Isn't it?" I whispered. He pulled me down on top of him, and hugged me tightly. "No, it isn't." He said firmly.

I pulled away from him after a few minutes, and sat up to play with Raelynn. We stayed that way until she started getting fussy and rubbing at her eyes. I scooped her up and went to the nursery to sit in the rocking chair. I rocked her to sleep, and just sat there for awhile enjoying the feel of her in my arms. I truly loved being a mother, and I still couldn't believe I had almost lost this due to my own stupidity. I had done so many stupid things recently, and now I was paying the price. I was such a hypocrite; telling Edward he needed to forgive me when I couldn't even forgive myself.

With a sigh I got up and gently laid Raelynn down in her crib. I walked back out to the living room, and Edward patted the seat next to him on the couch. I held up a finger, and went to change the laundry over. Then I walked back out and sat next to him. Apparently I was too far away from him because he scooted much closer to me, and laid a hand on my leg.

"Why are you so determined to see us fail?" He asked quietly. "I'm not!" I exclaimed defensively. He shot me a disbelieving look. I sighed heavily, and shook my head. "If you had slept with Victoria I don't think I would have gotten over it. I think I would have left you, and I can't ask you to do any differently. I don't deserve you, and I don't deserve your forgiveness." I explained.

"Bella, you're wrong. You do deserve forgiveness, and I'm trying to give you that." He replied. "How can I ask you to forgive me when I can't even forgive myself, Edward? It isn't right." I said quietly.

"Well, then you have something to work on this weekend, too." He answered quickly. "Do you remember our one year anniversary?" He asked out of the blue. "Yeah. We went to dinner, and then to an art museum, and then spent the rest of the evening at home." I answered.

"It was raining the whole time. We got soaked every time we walked outside." He said. I smiled. "Of course it was. We spent the entire evening in wet clothes and then came home and took a hot shower together." I said. "Do you remember what I told you that night?" He asked. I shook my head no.

"I told you that there was nothing you could ever that would make me not want you. And that I would always be with you because you are my life. Without you I would cease to exist." He said quietly. Tears started spilling over, and he quickly wiped them away with a small smile. "That's still true, Bella. I still want you, and I would cease to exist without you. I forgive you, Bella. I forgive you for everything." He stated.

I crawled onto his lap, and wrapped my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly to me, and cried. He held on to me just as tightly and rubbed my back with one hand as I cried. Every time I tried to say something more tears would fall effectively stopping me from saying anything. Edward said nothing; just held me and let me cry until no more tears would fall. Even then I couldn't find the right words to express how I felt so I just said nothing, and held on to him. After another few minutes Edward pushed on my shoulders and I sat up. He wiped my face dry of tears, and leaned up to kiss me softly on the lips.

"Everything is going to be fine, love. I forgive you, but I don't trust you. But, we'll work on that as we go along. The important thing now is you forgiving yourself." He explained quietly. "We can't go forward until you do that, love." He continued.

"I'll work on it. I love you, Edward." I said as fresh tears welled in my eyes. "I love you, too. Don't cry beautiful." He replied. He kissed me again, and moved us so I was lying on the couch with him on top of me. It wasn't long before we were naked and making love. This time was sweet, and gentle, and full of love. It was perfect; just as it had always been with us.


	66. IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE! PLEASE READ!

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have are some really really awesome readers! My story has been nominated for fic of the week No it's not spelled wrong. PLEASE go show me some love over there and vote for the story in the poll! And whoever nominated me (whether it was one or many of you) THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart! Just click on meet the poll and the voting is off to the right. This is way more than I could have ever hoped for! You guys are truly the best of the best! And thanks to all the new readers for reading & adding my story to your alerts! **

**P.S-sorry to have gotten your hopes up. I'm writing the next chapter as soon as I post this!**


	67. Chapter 67

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have are some really really awesome readers! My story has been nominated for fic of the week No it's not spelled wrong. PLEASE go show me some love over there and vote for the story in the poll! And whoever nominated me (whether it was one or many of you) THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart! Just click on meet the poll and the voting is off to the right. This is way more than I could have ever hoped for! You guys are truly the best of the best! And thanks to all the new readers for reading & adding my story to your alerts! **

_Two weeks later-_

I woke up late that morning and hurried down the hall to Rae's room. I was afraid I hadn't heard her crying for me, but was relieved to see she was still sleeping. I walked into the kitchen, started a pot of coffee, and stood at the counter to wait for it. Once it was finished I poured a cup, added my goodies, grabbed my phone, and went to sit down in the living room. I turned the news on and sat back against the couch. I picked up my phone to text Alice and smiled when I saw I had one from Edward.

_What are you doing beautiful? We have a half day today, and then I'm off for break. –E _

I smiled to myself, and hit the reply button.

_I slept in today. Raelynn is still sleeping. What am I going to do with you for a whole week? –B _

He replied almost instantly.

_Classes are done. Just got a few hours of meetings and then I'll be home. Rae is still asleep because she got up about four this morning and stayed up until I had to leave for work. –E _

_I didn't hear you guys. I'm sorry, and thank you. =] –B_

_You were tired. No big deal. What are we doing today? –E _

_I was about to text Alice. She's been wanting to do waxes and manicures and stuff for a few days. Thought we could do it today…didn't realize you had a half day. –B _

_Oh. Well, I'll watch the girls and you two can go do all that stuff. Then maybe tonight we can all go out as a group for dinner. Sound good? –E _

_Yeah that sounds good. I'll text Rosalie, too and see if they can make it. –B _

_Okay. Time for me to pay attention to the meeting taking place. Love you beautiful. –E _

_Love you, too. –B _

Things have been so much better between us the last couple of weeks. He's been so great to me, and it's more than I deserve. I'm still working on the forgiving myself part. But that's a whole other matter. It wasn't affecting our relationship now, and that's what mattered to me. Just as I pulled up Alice's number to text her there was a knock at the door. I jumped up, and walked over swiftly to pull the door open. To say I was shocked was an understatement. This could not be happening. What the fuck was he doing here?

"What do you want?" I blurted out.

"I need to talk to you." James said quickly. "You have a lot of nerve showing up here after what happened the last time you were here." I snapped blocking the doorway as he tried to maneuver past me.

"We need to talk." He repeated. "There is nothing worth talking to you about. Go away." I replied.

"I left my wife." He declared as I tried shutting the door on him. "Well, go back to her!" I exclaimed angrily.

"No! I don't want her. I want you, Bella." He answered. "No, you don't. I am not worth you giving up your life for. You have a child with her. Go back to your wife and child, and forget about me because I'm already trying to forget about you." I snapped.

"If you were trying to forget me you wouldn't be talking to me right now." He shot back. "If I had known it was you I wouldn't have opened the door." I retorted.

"I'm not leaving, Bella. I'll stand out here all day. I have nothing to lose." He said confidently.

"You'll be gone soon enough. Edward will be coming home shortly, and I know you don't want another run in with him." I said crossing my arms. "Like I said I have nothing to lose." He argued.

"Oh, yes you do. Your teeth for starters." I snapped. He leaned in and tried to kiss me, but I pushed him away and kneed him in the crotch. "I don't want you! Now leave before I call the cops!" I exclaimed slamming the door on him.

I walked back over to the couch and plopped down, grabbing my phone in the process. I took a long drink of my coffee as I pulled up Alice's number again.

_Edward volunteered to babysit so we could go do girly stuff today. –B _

_I'm already on my way to your house. Yay! We get time off from being mommies! –A _

_Lol. See you when you get here. –B _

I put my phone down, and walked back over to the door, peering out the peephole. James was still sitting out there. Fuck my life! What was it going to take to get rid of this guy? I didn't open the door. I just walked back over and sat down on the couch again. I picked up a magazine and flipped through it until Alice showed up.

"There's a strange dude sitting outside your door." She said as she walked in. I got up and walked over to take Lilly from her, and sighed heavily.

"That's James." I said dryly. "Uh, sorry that's who?" She asked disbelievingly. "James. You know my one night stand turned stalker." I stated. We walked over and sat down on the couch. I had to laugh at Alice's face. She looked like she'd just seen a ghost.

"Why is he here?" She asked after a minute. "He says he left his wife, and he wants me. He tried to kiss me so I kneed him in the crotch and slammed the door in his face." I answered with a shrug.

"Good girl." She said with a smile. "I hope he leaves before Edward gets here." I said. "I don't!" She exclaimed with a laugh. I snorted and shook my head. Lilly was squirming in my lap so I put her down on the floor, and she got up on her hands and knees.

"Don't worry. She doesn't go anywhere yet." Alice said dryly. "Oh, don't sound so disappointed. She'll get there. She's taking her time. She wants to do it right." I replied. "Yeah, maybe. She still won't sleep through the night. I don't know how you trained Raelynn to do that trick." She stated.

"She just started doing it on her own. Every baby is different. Lilly is more hyper than Rae is though you know? Lilly has been so alert and nosy since she was born. She likes to know what's going on. Rae is content to just sit back and chill." I said. "They really are the spitting images of us aren't they?" She asked with a smile.

"Yes, they definitely are." I replied. I heard Raelynn babbling through the baby monitor and got up to go get her. I changed her diaper and carried her into the kitchen with me while I made her a bottle. Then I went back to join Alice in the living room again. She immediately took Rae from me with a smile and I got up to go check on the jerk that wouldn't leave. Sure enough he was still sitting there staring at the floor. With a sigh I opened the door, and stepped out.

"Why aren't you leaving?" I demanded angrily. "I told you I wasn't going anywhere." He replied. "My husband is going to be coming up those stairs any minute now, and if he sees you here he's going to kick your ass. And I'm going to let him!" I exclaimed.

"You wouldn't really do that would you?" He asked with a small smile. He thought it was charming; I thought it was irritating as all hell. "Leave, now." I demanded pointing to the stairs.

"Come on, Bella. What we had was good you have to know that. We can leave this life behind and go somewhere else. Start over fresh in some other town or something." He coaxed.

"What we had was a one night stand that was the biggest mistake of my life. You are unwelcome here. I don't want to see your face around here again or I will call the police. Now, leave." I demanded.

"I'd do what lady says." I jumped at the sound of Edward's voice and stepped closer to him immediately. He put a hand at the small of my back and began rubbing it in a soothing gesture. Well, at least I knew he wasn't angry with me for this.

"I just want Bella. I'll leave if she comes with me." James declared standing up. "I'm sorry did you not hear anything she said to you? She doesn't want you, and you can't have her. Come on, man. Don't make me hurt you again." Edward warned in a low voice.

"Fine. I'll go, but I'll be back." James said brushing past Edward. I watched him leave, and then sagged against Edward. "I'm sorry. He just wouldn't leave." I apologized.

"It's not your fault, love." Edward said leaning down to kiss me softly. We walked back into the apartment and Alice's face lit up. She looked like a kid in a candy store.

"Did he leave?" She asked as I sat down. Edward grabbed Raelynn from Alice and sat down in the chair.

"Yes, he did finally. If he comes back you call me and the police. Don't open the door for him." Edward said staring at me intently. "That was my plan. Trust me after Jacob I'm not taking any chances." I replied. We sat there for a few minutes in silence before Alice spoke up.

"Are you sure you can handle both babies for a few hours?" She asked Edward. "Of course. We'll be fine." He replied with a smile. "Okay, let's go Bella!" She exclaimed. "Relax Alice I'm not even dressed yet. Give me fifteen minutes." I declared walking to the bedroom.

Twenty minutes later we headed out the door, choosing to go to the spa first. I got another Brazilian wax and like always regretted it for the first few hours. We hit the nail salon next, and then we stopped at a hair salon. I wanted to get my hair cut again since it had started growing out, and Alice needed hers trimmed as well.

"Are you good to go to dinner tonight?" I asked as we were waiting to get our hair done. "Yeah that sounds fun. We haven't been out all together in a while." She answered. I pulled my phone out and texted Rosalie.

_Free for dinner tonight? Edward wants to get the whole group together. –B _

_Can't. We're both working late tonight. =[ -R _

_Aw. That sucks. We'll have to get together soon then. –B _

_My schedule is crazy right now, but I'll let you know when I have some free time. –R _

"Rose and Emmett can't do it tonight. She said they're both working late." I informed Alice. "Well that sucks." She replied with a frown. My name was called shortly after that and I followed the hairstylist to a chair. I got the bob cut again and had her do some more highlights. Two hours later we were headed back to the house.

When we walked inside we both smiled at the sight before us. Raelynn was sleeping in her swing, and Edward was passed out on the couch with a sleeping Lilly on his chest. It was too cute for words. We both took a few blackmail pictures, and then I walked over and kissed him on the forehead effectively waking him up. Alice took Lilly so Edward could sit up, and I sat next to him while Alice sat in the chair.

"You look beautiful." He murmured still half asleep. "Thank you. I'm sorry we took longer than expected. We weren't really planning on stopping at the hair salon." I said.

"It's no problem. The girls were fine. Lilly started scooting it was adorable." He stated. "Aw. I missed it." Alice pouted. "She'll do it again, Alice." I said.

"It's not the same. It won't be the first time she did it." She said with a frown. "I know sweetie, but it will seem like it is because it's the first the time you'll see it." I said trying to comfort her. "That's true. Well, we better get going. Have to get ready for dinner. What time do you want to meet and where?" Alice asked.

"The Italian restaurant in Port Angeles. Let's say around eight?" Edward replied. "Sounds good! See ya then!" Alice exclaimed grabbing Lilly's bag and leaving. "I'm going to go jump in the shower." I declared standing up.

"Hey, wait for me! Rae's asleep so I can get some!" He exclaimed running after me with a wicked smile on his face.


	68. Chapter 68

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is a sweet tea from McDonalds. Yum-o! Happy 4th of July to everyone! Who all still gets to have the fireworks display? We do but only because our firefighters were out all night watering the lawn where they're shooting them off at tomorrow. I know a lot of other places have called off the shows b/c it's so dry and hot. Hope everyone stays safe and has a great day celebrating! No song for this chapter either. Haven't any I liked enough. **

We arrived at the restaurant about eight fifteen; running late as usual. Luckily Alice and Jasper had gotten there a little bit early, and already had a table for us. We followed the hostess to the table, and thanked her as we sat down.

"We really need to work on your timing system." Alice grumbled. "I'm sorry, Alice I was banging my wife." Edward smarted. I felt my face heat up, and I looked down at the menu as Jasper started laughing.

"Don't encourage him." Alice muttered as she too picked up her menu. "Bella, what are you getting?" She asked after a minute.

"Mushroom ravioli." Edward and I said at the same time. "Best thing on the menu." I added. "Have you had everything on the menu?" She asked dryly. "She's never tried anything else." Edward answered for me.

"Why mess with perfection?" I said with a cheesy smile. The waitress came and took our orders and once she left we started chatting.

"Lilly scooted when we got home. It was so exciting!" Alice exclaimed with a wide smile. "She'll be crawling before you know it!" I said.

"I can't believe Thanksgiving is next week already." Jasper said shaking his head. "Tell me about it. I can't believe it's almost been a year since the whole thing with Jacob." I replied.

"And we have a daughter now, and a niece." Edward said with a smile. "It sure doesn't seem like it's been a year." Alice murmured rubbing Lilly's head. "I think Rosalie is distancing herself from us." She said after a minute.

"What? Why would she do that?" I asked. "She never told you?" She asked in return. "Told me what?" I demanded.

"She and Emmett were trying to have a baby, and she wasn't getting pregnant. So she went to the doctor, and he told her that because of what had happened to her she can't have children." Alice explained solemnly. I was sure half the restaurant heard my gasp, but I didn't care.

"When did this happen?" I asked still in shock. "A few months ago. That's why I think she's distancing herself. Not that I blame her…I just feel bad." She replied. "Poor Rose…and Emmett." I murmured.

Our food arrived at that minute and it grew silent around the table as we started eating with the exception of Lilly and Raelynn babbling back and forth at each other. "So you think that's the reason they didn't come out tonight?" Edward asked between bites.

"I'm sure that had something to do with it. I mean, I'm not saying they didn't have to work late, but if I were in her shoes I wouldn't want to be around babies right now either." Alice replied.

"Alice we need to go see her. Soon." I declared taking a bite. "Yeah, I agree. Just without the kiddos. I think that would make it worse right now." She said.

"Edward and I can watch the girls tomorrow if you want to go over there." Jasper suggested quietly. "Yeah, that sounds good. You want to meet at our house around ten? We can stop at a liquor store and pick up a few bottles of wine, and go surprise her." I suggested to Alice.

"Sounds like a plan. I know she isn't working tomorrow. We had already talked about getting together, but she didn't really commit to anything you know?" Alice stated.

We finished our meal in silence, and then said our goodbyes shortly after that. As Edward and I headed home I couldn't help thinking about Rosalie. I felt so bad for her, and here I was supposed to be one of her best friends and she didn't even tell me. She probably felt she couldn't due to what had been going with Edward and I. When we got home I fed Raelynn her cereal bottle, changed her diaper and put her to bed. Then I crawled into bed next to Edward, and held onto him with everything I had.

Edward got up with Rae at six that morning letting me sleep in for a while; which I greatly appreciated. Once I did finally get up I showered quickly and put on a pair of yoga pants, a t-shirt and an old hoodie that was Edward's and went to the kitchen for some coffee. I fixed a cup just the way I liked it, and went into the living room to sit with Edward and Raelynn. She was lying on the floor on her tummy and as I watched her she suddenly rolled from her tummy to her back, and then back again.

"Oh my god! Did you see that? She just rolled over!" I exclaimed excitedly. "She's been doing it all morning. I took a video of it." Edward replied with a smile. "Oh, she's getting so big, Edward." I sighed squeezing his hand tightly.

"I know, love. She'll be five months old in less than a month. The doctor says we can start her on baby food whenever we're ready." He stated. "I'm so not ready for that, but I know she needs the nutrition so we'll do it. I guess we need to take a trip to the market to get some huh?" I asked with a frown.

"Actually Rae and I have already been to the market. She was out of cereal anyway so we got some more, and we also picked out a variety of different baby foods for her. All organic of course. I thought we could try some at lunch time." He replied.

"I won't be here." I pouted. "I can wait, love." He offered. I shook my head. "No, don't wait. If the doc says she's ready than she's ready. I'll be back in time to feed her dinner and her bedtime bottle anyway." I stated. He kissed my head softly just as Alice and Jasper came barreling through the front door. I groaned when I saw the umbrella in Alice's hand. It was raining. Damn it all to hell.

I went to the bedroom, slipped on some socks and my tennis shoes and came back out to the living room. I sat back down and picked up my coffee, taking a sip. "Let me drink this and we can get going." I stated quickly.

"Okay. I already stopped by the liquor store and got four bottles of wine. That should be enough to get us loaded and then sobered back up to drive." She explained with a grin. I finished my coffee and took it to the kitchen. Then I grabbed my phone, and my purse, and kissed my husband and daughter good bye. Alice did the same with her two, and we were off. As we got down the stairs I saw her car was parked right in front of the door.

"I'm driving." She stated opening the door and running out into the rain. I pulled the hood up on my hoodie, and ran out to the car as well hurrying to get into the passenger side seat. I slammed the door closed on accident which earned me a dirty look from Alice. She put the petal to the metal in the pouring rain which of course scared the shit out of me. And she didn't slow down the entire ride to Rosalie's apartment. She slammed on the brakes nearly giving me a seatbelt burn as she parked in front of Rose's house, and we both tromped out into the rain yet again. Alice started banging on the door as my hands were full of alcohol.

Rosalie threw the door open angrily, but her face softened up when she saw it was just us. She moved back so we could come in, and then quickly shut and locked the door behind us. "What are you guys doing here?" She asked wrapping herself up in a blanket and plopping down on the couch. I had to move a layer of clothing before I could sit down, and I saw Alice had to do the same thing. This was so unlike Rosalie and that only worried me further.

"We come bearing gifts." Alice said with a smile. I held up the wine, and Rose laughed. "I was wondering when this visit was going to happen." She murmured. Alice got up and we walked into the kitchen to find a bottle opener and some glasses. The kitchen was just as much of a mess as the living room had been, and I'm guessing the rest of the house was just as bad. "We were almost too late." Alice whispered as I opened the first bottle. "I think we are too late." I whispered back.

"No, if we were too late she wouldn't have let us in." Alice whispered taking two of the glasses. I grabbed the third one and the bottle of wine, and we headed back into the living room. Rosalie was in the same spot we left her in, but she was crying now.

"I don't know why I'm crying. I wasn't even sure I wanted kids to begin with. The only reason I was trying was because Emmett wanted to, and it seemed like the next step." She mumbled. Alice handed her a glass of wine, and she took a long drink of it.

"You don't have to lie to us, Rosalie." I said quietly. She snorted. "Fine, I wanted a baby. Doesn't matter now though does it?" She snapped. "I want you guys to leave." She said after a minute.

"Well, too bad. We aren't going anywhere." Alice said defiantly. "No, I'm serious. I want you to leave. Right now." She repeated. "Come on, Rose don't shut us out." I said.

"Get. Out." She demanded loudly. Alice stood up, and kissed her on the cheek. "We'll be back." She said heading towards the door. With a heavy sigh I got up and followed her back out into the pouring rain.

"This is not good." I said once we were on our way back to my house. "I know, but what can we do? We'll come back in a couple of days; maybe she'll be ready to talk then." Alice replied solemnly. We drove the rest of the way in silence, and when we walked back into my house I quickly scooped up my daughter. I had never been more grateful to see her than in that moment.


	69. Chapter 69

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is a very upset husband. He wanted a new motorcycle, but couldn't get it. =[ Poor baby. On the bright side of things I'm going to a baseball game tonight! Wahoo! Go me! =D I love baseball! **

"Come on, Rae. Take another bite for mommy." I pleaded with my four and a half month old daughter. She blew a raspberry at me and started hitting the tray. Edward laughed behind me and I turned around to glare at him.

"What did you feed her for lunch?" I asked with a sigh. "Applesauce." He replied quickly. I groaned loudly. "The doctor said to give her vegetables first so she got used to the taste." I ground out. "Well, she wouldn't eat the carrots when I tried to give them to her so I gave her applesauce." He shot back with a sheepish smile.

"Edward!" I groaned. He took the jar of green beans from me, and handed me a jar of blueberries. I gave Rae a bite, and sure enough she ate it right up. She ate half the jar before she started spitting it back out so I assumed she was full, and cleaned her up. Edward took her into the living room while I finished cleaning up the mess we'd made. Hopefully as time went on we'd be less messy at mealtime, but I didn't really mind.

I had just finished giving Raelynn a bath when there was a soft knock at the door. Edward was in the office working on his lesson plans for next week so I went to answer it. I was surprised to see Rosalie standing there. She had been crying, and she looked terrified.

"What's the matter?" I asked pulling her inside. "I just wanted to come over and talk for awhile. I can't stand to be in that apartment any longer." She said walking over to the couch and sitting down. She stared at Raelynn for a long moment, and then looked back to me.

"Can I hold her?" She asked timidly. "Of course! You don't have to ask that." I said pulling Raelynn from her swing. I walked over to Rose, and handed her the baby, and then sat down next to her. She held her awkwardly for a few minutes, but the longer she held her the more comfortable she got.

"How do you deal with it?" She asked softly. "With what?" I replied quizzically. "Not being able to have more children. I know you always wanted a big family." She clarified. I smiled softly at her.

"It's a little different for us, Rosalie. We have Raelynn so it's not as heartbreaking to me as it would be if we didn't have her. And then I look at the positive side of it, too. If we want another baby there's always adoption, or surrogacy. It's not the end of the world even though it feels like it." I explained.

"I never thought about it like that." She said quietly. "I'm not trying to take away from the loss you must be feeling, Rose. I'm just letting you know that there are other options. I don't want you to completely give up hope." I said. She handed me Raelynn as she started crying again.

"I knew I should have come to you. You have a way of making me feel better, and no one else has been able to do that. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Bella." She stated.

"Don't be ridiculous. You have nothing to be sorry for." I chided. "I just feel so ashamed, and I'm so angry. He took so much from me, and now this, too. He took the choice away from me. It should have been my decision whether or not to have a baby." She explained.

"First of all, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong here. And secondly, I understand why you're angry. I was angry with Jacob for a long time, and in some ways I still am. But I've been trying to forgive him lately because I know holding on to all that anger isn't good. I'm not telling you to forgive him for what he did to you…I just don't want to see you end up bitter and self destructing." I replied softly.

"I don't want to end up like that either, but I don't know how to not be angry right now." She said wiping at her tears. "It's going to take some time, Rose. Maybe a lot of time before you don't feel angry anymore, but it will happen. The best advice I can give you is to not shut out your family. And don't take it out on Emmett; it's not his fault, and he's suffering, too." I explained.

"I have been taking it out on him. We aren't even speaking to each other right now. I said some pretty mean things to him last night." She admitted. She grabbed Raelynn from me again, and held her close. "This actually helps. I was afraid it would make it worse, but holding her so close to me…it makes me feel better." She said after a minute.

"Babies are good at that. I know it's hard for you to be around the babies, but you know we can always go do something without them. I'm here for you anytime you need me, and so is Alice. And the guys are, too if you let them. Especially Emmett." I replied.

"This is why I should have told you. You've been through something similar, and know what the wrong things to do are." She said with a sigh. "I'm just telling you what worked and what didn't in my experience. It could be totally different for you. But, I know for a fact that you don't need to shut Emmett out." I replied.

"You're right. You're so right." She agreed quickly. We sat there for awhile in silence while she played with Raelynn. Then she looked up at me suddenly, and smiled a weary smile. "Thanks for this, Bella. I really appreciate this. I should probably get going. I have some making up to do with Emmett." She said handing me the baby. We said our goodbyes; she kissed my cheek, and headed out the door. I kissed Raelynn on the head, and took her to the nursery. I sat down in the rocking chair, and began rocking her to sleep.

Edward walked in a few minutes later, and sat on the floor next to me with a smile. We sat in silence for awhile until Raelynn was asleep, and then Edward turned to me and said, "You were great with Rosalie."

"Eavesdropper." I quipped. "Well, I figured my presence would make her uncomfortable so I stayed in the office, but yes I was eavesdropping. She did it to me when I unloaded on Emmett, and don't act like you don't know. I know she told you." He said with a smile. I chuckled and shook my head.

"I don't know what you're talking about. She never told me anything." I replied. He snorted in disbelief. I sighed heavily and rolled my shoulders a few times trying to relieve some stress.

"I feel so bad for her. I just tried to tell her what worked for me, but I know it's not the same thing." I said after a minute.

"Well, it might not be the exact same thing, but the depression is. You're good at talking to people, and making them feel better. Why not go to school and put that to use?" Edward replied. "Nah. I like being home with Raelynn too much, and school was never my thing." I said flippantly. I stood up slowly, and walked over to lay Raelynn in her crib. She stirred in her sleep for a few minutes and then finally settled back into a deeper sleep.

"You never know, love. You might get back into school and decide you like it." Edward said as we sat on the couch in the living room. "Are you telling me to get a job, Edward?" I asked jokingly.

"Of course not. I just want you to be happy." He answered quickly. "I am happy. I told you when I was pregnant this was what I wanted to do, and I meant it. I enjoy being here every day with our daughter, and making a home for us." I said.

"What about in the future? Like when she goes off to college, or gets her own family?" He asked rubbing my leg. "Edward! She's not even five months old yet!" I exclaimed with a laugh. "Hey, it is never too early to plan for the future." He shot back quickly.

I rolled my eyes at him and shook my head. "You're being ridiculous." I said flatly. "I just worry that you'll get bored one day and…" he trailed off. "And cheat on you again?" I guessed. It grew quiet for a few moments, and it was terribly awkward. With a heavy sigh I stood up from the couch. "I'm going to bed." I said softly.

Edward grabbed my arm as I started to walk past him, and pulled me down onto his lap. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be thinking things like that." He said quietly. I rubbed his cheek with my hand. "Don't apologize for your feelings, Edward. If it were me I'd be the same way." I replied. He puckered his lips out, and I smiled before leaning in to kiss him softly. I nearly jumped out of my skin when a loud banging started on our door.

I moved off of Edward and he went to answer the door. He'd barely gotten the door open before Emmett was shoving his way inside glaring daggers at me the whole time. "What the fuck did you say to Rosie?" He demanded angrily. "Answer me god damn it! What the fuck did you say?" He bellowed when I didn't answer right away.

"Hey, Emmett calm down. You don't have to talk to her that way." Edward said putting a hand on Emmett's shoulder. Emmett brushed it off quickly, and took a threatening step towards me. "Did you tell her to leave me? Is that why she did this bullshit? You better tell me right fucking now what you said to her." He shouted.

"Hey! Jackass that's my wife you're talking to! Calm the fuck down." Edward yelled stepping in between Emmett and me. I took a deep breath, and stood up to walk around Edward. "I didn't tell her to leave you, Em. I told her not to shut you out. I told her this wasn't your fault and you were hurting, too." I said quickly.

"Then why did she leave me?" He boomed angrily. Instinctively I took a step backwards, and once again Edward placed himself between the two of us. "Emmett, I'm going to ask you one more time to calm the fuck down." Edward warned.

"Fuck you, man! And you, Bella, next time why don't you keep your fucking nose out of other people's business!" Emmett yelled before walking out, slamming the door as he went. Not two seconds later Emmett came walking back in; a huge shit eating grin on his face.

"You should see the look on your guys' faces! Oh, man…It's priceless!" He exclaimed laughing loudly.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you bipolar or something?" I demanded angrily. That just made him laugh harder. "Seriously though, Bella, thank you. Whatever you said to Rosie has already made a huge difference. She's cleaning the apartment, and she was smiling when I left. You did good, kid." He said once he'd caught his breath.

I walked over and smacked him upside the head. "You're an asshole, Emmett." I snapped. "Oh, come on! It was funny!" He protested. "And Edward, way to stick up for your girl man!" He exclaimed as he started laughing all over again.

"Get out." Edward said dryly. He clapped Edward on the shoulder, gave me a huge bear hug and kiss on the head, and then walked out laughing all the way. Asshat.


	70. Chapter 70

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is a very delicious bottle of wine and a night of worries to let go of. It's been a rough few days for me so I'm sorry if the updates have been a little sluggish. My bad. =/ Song for this chapter- "Good life"- One Republic.**

_Six months later-_

"Oh! We could get her this!" Edward exclaimed picking up a toy. I looked it over, and eyed him warily. "Edward, she's only going to be year old. This says ages three and up." I stated putting the toy back on the shelf. We were two months away from Raelynn's first birthday, and because we were so excited we were shopping for her presents already. Alice had graciously agreed to watch Raelynn while we did so, and we decided to sneak dinner in as well. It had been a long time since we'd had a night alone.

"Okay, what about this?" He asked picking up another toy. "She already has that." I replied. He sighed and put the toy back. "It shouldn't be this difficult to pick out toys for a one year old." He grumbled. "It probably wouldn't be if you would stop buying her toys every time you go to the store." I said with a grin.

"Oh, sure. Blame it all on me." He mumbled with a smile. We walked down a few more aisles, and picked up a few small things here and there before deciding to quit for the night. We'd already been out later than we intended, and we still had two months to get the rest of her presents. We drove back to town, picked Raelynn up and went home.

I decided to skip her bath for the night because she was so fussy and instead gave her a bottle, and put her to bed. Edward brought in the few presents we'd gotten for her and put them in my closet. Then we sat in the living room, and he cracked open a bottle of wine; pouring us each a glass. I propped my feet up on the coffee table, and took a sip of my wine.

"I'm so glad I only have two more weeks of school left. As much as I love my job, I love being home with you and Rae more." Edward said with a smile. "I must admit you being off in the summer is my favorite part of your job." I replied smiling back at him.

"How's Rosalie doing?" He asked after a few minutes of silence. "Better. She and Emmett were talking about trying to adopt a baby soon. She was flirting with idea of a surrogate mother, but she said she didn't like the idea of someone else carrying her baby." I explained.

"Well, I'm glad she's trying to move forward. I know Emmett has been doing better, too. I think it's been easier on them the last couple of months." Edward said. "They're definitely adjusting to it from what I can see. I'm glad they are, too. I hated seeing them so miserable." I replied. I finished my glass of wine, and set the glass on the table with a sigh.

"I'm worried, Edward." I said after a minute. "About what, love?" He asked in concern. I worried my lip for a minute, unsure how to tell him my fears without him getting upset or freaking out. I'd been keeping a small secret from him for a few months now, and it was time to come clean.

"I have to tell you something." I said quietly. He stiffened immediately, and I knew what he was thinking. "I didn't cheat on you." I said quickly. "But…" He trailed off.

"James has been sending me texts the last couple of months. I don't respond to him, but he won't stop. And he came by the house last week again. Sat out there for hours before he finally gave up and left. I thought by now he'd get the hint, but he isn't." I explained quietly.

"Damn it, Bella! You have to tell me this shit! I know you think I'll be upset, but I'd be more upset if something happened to you or to Raelynn!" He exclaimed standing up. "I thought I had it under control!" I replied quickly.

"Do you not remember what happened with Jacob? You thought you had that under control, too! You have to tell me this stuff, Bella!" He yelled angrily. "I'm sorry! I'm telling you now!" I yelled back as tears sprung to my eyes. He came sat down next to me with a heavy sigh. He put his around me, and pulled me tightly to him.

"I'm sorry, love." He murmured kissing the top of my head. "I don't want this to be another Jacob." I whispered. "It won't be. If he texts you again tell him we're calling the police. Keep the door locked at all times, and don't go anywhere by yourself. I only have two weeks left of the school year, and then I'll be with you at all times. We'll take care of it." He explained.

I nodded in agreement even as the tears were falling. We sat there for awhile as I cried, and then Edward carried me to bed. I did not sleep well that night. My sleep was interrupted by several nightmares of James coming into our home and killing me. I got up with Edward and kissed him goodbye as he went off to work. I checked on Raelynn, and then went to the living room. Twenty minutes later there was a knock at the door, and I knew it was Alice. Still, I looked through the peephole to be sure, and then let her inside.

"Edward called you didn't he?" I guessed as she went and sat on the couch. "Eh, who needs sleep anyway? He's lucky Jasper was off today or I would have reamed him one for having to wake Lilly." She said with a smile.

"I'm sorry, Alice." I said with a sigh. I sat down beside her and she patted my leg. "Don't be silly. You'd do the same for me." She said flippantly. "He's really got you freaked out huh?" She asked after a minute.

"A little. I just don't want this to turn into another thing like it did with Jacob. I mean, his texts are friendly enough, and he hasn't threatened me in anyway. I just don't want to take any chances." I replied.

"Of course you don't. I completely understand, and I'm happy to help in any way I can; even if that means getting up at seven in the morning to come sit with you all day." She said with another smile. "I'm being silly aren't I?" I asked with a grim expression.

"Absolutely not, Bella. You have every right to be worried. Especially after what happened with Jacob." Alice declared. "I really know how to pick 'em though don't I? I mean, first Jacob and now James. If it wasn't for Edward I'd say I have a terrible track record." I said dryly.

"You do have a certain knack for picking out the troubled ones I'll give you that much." She responded quickly.

There was a series of rapid knocks on the front door, and my heart started racing instantly. I got up slowly and walked over to look out the peephole. Rose was standing on the other side looking quite anxious so I hurriedly unlocked the door and threw it open.

"We got her!" She exclaimed rushing inside. I shut the door and locked it again and then turned to face her. "Got who?" I asked as we went and sat down. Well, I sat down; Rosalie was pacing the living room.

"We applied for the adoption of this one year old little girl about six weeks ago, and they came to our house and did an inspection, and looked through all of our records and backgrounds and everything! It was the worst feeling in the entire world, and I hated every second of it! But they approved us! They said we were clear to adopt! We're going to Russia next week!" She explained in a rush.

"Did you say Russia?" I asked in a bit of shock. "Yes! We're going to Russia! We can't bring her home right away of course, we have to spend some time with her and let her get to know us and everything, but Emmett and I both took off work for an extended amount of time. They showed us her picture and she is beautiful! I wish you guys could've seen her! Oh, but you will soon enough! I can't wait until we leave! There's so much to do!" She exclaimed excitedly.

"Congratulations Rose! I'm very excited for you!" I exclaimed getting up to hug her. "This is so exciting!" Alice squealed clapping her hands together.

"I better get back home. Emmett will be home soon, and we have so much to start planning before we leave!" Rose exclaimed heading for the door. She opened the door, gasped slightly, and slammed the door shut again; locking the deadbolt as she did so.

"Rose?" I asked a little confused.

"Bella, there's a man outside your door with a gun in his hand." She said quite calmly. A sense of dread washed over me, and I had to force myself to move to the door. I peered out the peephole, and saw James sitting out there…gun in his lap. As if it was the most natural thing in the world. I cracked the door open ignoring Alice's protests, and glared at James.

"What are you doing?" I demanded angrily. "I'm waiting for your husband." He said coolly. Another slice of fear ripped through me, but I tried not to show it. "Well, the cops will be here before you have a chance to see him." I snapped and slammed the door shut.

"Alice, call the police." I stated walking into the kitchen for my phone. I picked it up and texted Edward immediately.

_James is here with gun. Alice is calling police. Just wanted to let you know. –B _

_Is he in the house? I'm on my way. –E _

_No, he's sitting outside. Why are you on your way? Don't come inside! He's looking for you! –B _

_I was worried about you. I told the principal to find a sub for the next two weeks. Well if he's looking for me he'll find me in about two minutes. –E _

_No! He has a gun Edward! –B _

He didn't respond back to me. I ran back into the living room, and looked out the window. Edward's car was parked out front, and he was getting out. I opened the window as quickly as I could, and yelled down to Edward.

"Do NOT come up here! Stay outside!"

"Close the window, Bella." He called back opening the door. I closed the window, and ran over to the front door just as two loud pops resonated through the hall.


	71. Chapter 71

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. I apologize in the delay of this story as I said last chapter it's been rough for me the last week or so. I'm having a lot of issues concentrating and staying focused so again I'm sorry. I'm hoping it gets better otherwise I may have to postpone the story. Song for this chapter-"Here comes goodbye"- Rascal Flatts. **

I couldn't get the damn lock to move! I hated these old apartment buildings! Another loud pop had me nearly jumping out of my skin, but I continued fighting with the lock. I had to get out there! I had to know if Edward was okay! Finally the lock gave, and I threw the door open; running into the hallway. I screamed when I saw Edward lying in a pool of blood on the floor before me. James was lying a few feet away; a gunshot wound to the head. I kneeled down by Edward and applied as much pressure as I could to the only wound I could see. There was so much blood. Too much blood.

"Call nine one one!" I yelled at Alice as she came to stand beside me. "I already did. What can I do?" She asked. "I don't know!" I exclaimed in desperation. "We have to stop the bleeding! Get towels or something!" I continued as tears began falling. She left quickly and came back a few minutes later with a handful of towels. I grabbed one from her and applied it to his wound.

"Prop his head up!" I demanded. She did so quickly, and then came to check for other wounds with me. "We have to get his shirt off, Bella. It's the only way we'll be able to see the …holes from the bullets." Alice said after a minute. Where was the fucking ambulance? And the cops? I removed the towel, and quickly unbuttoned Edward's shirt. Alice pulled it apart as best she could while I applied more pressure to the still bleeding wound.

"There it is." She mumbled grabbing a towel. I looked over and saw the other wound…inches from his heart. I tried to slow my breathing, and concentrate solely on getting the bleeding to stop, but I couldn't control the tears or the shaking. I could not lose him. I refused to lose him. I looked up at Alice to see that she was crying as well. I could tell by her expression that she was thinking the same thing I was.

"Where are the police? Where is the ambulance? They should be here by now!" Rose exclaimed from the doorway. I looked over at her and saw she was holding Raelynn. "Rose, go back in the house. Rae doesn't need to see this." I said, my voice sounding odd even to me. She nodded once, and backed up into the house; leaving the door cracked open.

"Should we try to get him downstairs? Take him to the hospital ourselves?" Alice asked. "No, what if the bullets are still in him? I don't want to take the chance of them moving around." I replied quickly.  
>"Bella, the longer we sit here waiting the more blood he's losing. We have to do something." Alice argued.<p>

She was right. I knew she was right, but I was terrified. "Rose! Call nine one one again!" I yelled. A ringing sounded nearby, and I went in search of it. I found the phone next to James' body, and answered it quickly.

"Hello?"

"Bella?"

"Rose?"

Rose came to the door; phone up to her ear. "I called nine one one." She said quietly. "How did he do that?" Alice asked. I threw the phone down, and went back to applying pressure to the wound. "I don't know. Alright, Alice. We have to move him. We have to be quick. We've already wasted enough time." I said in a rush. I went around to stand by Edward's head, and grabbed him under the arms while Alice grabbed his legs.

"Rosalie, the keys are in my purse. Can you get them please?" I asked. She went back inside and came back a couple minutes later, keys in hand. She stuck them in my mouth between my teeth, and I bit down so I wouldn't lose them. Alice counted down from three, and we lifted him as quickly as possible. He was heavier than he looked that was for sure, and it didn't help that it was all dead weight. We grunted and heaved our way down the stairs, only stopping once. When we got to the bottom of the steps we set him down, and I ran outside to unlock and open the back door of the car. I ran back in, and once again we hefted him up and out the door.

Once we had him laid down in the back seat I handed the keys to Alice. "You drive. I'll sit back here, and keep applying pressure. Rose…as soon as we get to the hospital I'll call the police and send them over. If you aren't comfortable staying here with…him up there you can take Rae and go home, or if you'd rather drop her off with Esme that's fine too." I said with more calm than I felt.

"No, I'll stay here with her. We'll be alright until the police show up." Rose replied quickly. I hugged her tightly and thanked her, and then climbed into the back seat with my love. "Alright, Alice…drive like you always do." I ordered as she climbed into the car.

Two hours later I was pacing the floor of the waiting room; donned in a pair of scrubs, and free of any remaining blood. Edward had been in surgery for over an hour and a half, and I was quickly losing my patience with the hospital staff. Carlisle kept trying to calm me down, but it wasn't working. He'd left just a few minutes ago to try and figure out what was going on for me. I'd already spoken with the police three different times, but all they could tell me was that James had some kind of transmitter blocking any emergency calls we tried to make. They had found it and put it in as evidence. Why they needed evidence was beyond me; James was already dead. But what did I know? Nothing that's what was so frustrating!

"Bella, why don't we take a walk?" Esme suggested. I shook my head no vehemently. "I'm not going anywhere." I said firmly. Carlisle came back in and shook his head. "He's still in surgery, but he's stable. That's good news." He said reassuringly. I sat down with a huff, and put my head in my hands.

"This is torture!" I groaned standing back up to pace. "Bella, you need to stay calm. I know you're upset and frustrated, but getting yourself even more worked up is not a good idea right now. Why don't you take a walk and try to clear your head. If there's any change and they can't find you they'll page you." Carlisle said calmly.

"I'm not going for a walk! I'm leaving this room until I know Edward is going to be fine!" I exclaimed angrily.

"That could be quite awhile, Bella." Carlisle argued. "I don't care!" I snapped.

"Bella, come on. Let's go for a walk okay? It'll do us both some good." Alice said quietly. I looked over at her, and saw the despair in her eyes. It matched my own. "They'll page me right?" I asked Carlisle. "I'll make sure of it." He promised. With a heavy sigh I nodded once at Alice and led the way out the door.

"We should have taken him to a different hospital." I muttered keeping up a fast pace. I needed to work some the frustration out somehow. "We didn't have time for that, and you know it." Alice said quickly. "Besides, this is a good hospital." She continued.

"It might be a good hospital but they suck at communicating!" I snapped walking faster. "Slow down!" Alice demanded grabbing my arm. "No news is good news. That's what Carlisle said when you were in here." She stated.

"That's a load of shit if I ever heard it." I grumbled. "That's what Edward said." She said dryly. "I want to go back." I said after a minute. "We haven't even been gone five minutes!" She exclaimed.

"My husband, my _life_ is in there getting operated on because some douche bag I just had to sleep with decided to shoot him! I cannot just walk around like everything is peachy, Alice!" I snapped turning on her.

"Code blue OR three." A voice said over the intercom. I took off running back to the waiting room. The look on Carlisle's face confirmed my fears. Edward was the code blue. His heart had stopped beating. I sagged against the wall to keep from falling over as fresh tears began to fall. This could not be happening. I could not lose him. He could not leave me. He could not leave Raelynn.

The thought of losing him had me gasping for air. Carlisle rushed over and helped me to sit down in the closest chair, and I put my head between my knees. It didn't help. The room was spinning, my heart was racing out of control, and I could not catch my breath. Carlisle said something, but I couldn't hear over the roaring sound in my ears. He left quickly, and came back a few minutes later with a shot.

"This should help, Bella." He said loudly. I turned away as he administered the shot, and tried to take deep breaths. I could already feel my heart rate slowing down, and it was easier to breathe as well. "Better?" Carlisle asked after a minute.

"Yes, thank you." I said quietly. It felt wrong somehow; to be this calm while the doctors were fighting for Edward's life. And I knew that's how it was just as sure as I was sitting here. Edward's heart had stopped; he had given up already. The doctor's were the ones fighting for him now, and I prayed that they were able to save him. Because without him my life would cease to exist. I would go on, of course, for our daughter, but it would be the greatest struggle of my life.

"Bella, he'll make it. He's strong, and healthy. They'll get him back." Carlisle said with confidence.

"You don't know that, Carlisle. The fact is he may not come back from this, and I don't need you to sugar coat anything for me." I said my voice eerily calm.

I sat there, staring at the floor for an immeasurable amount of time. Carlisle kept reassuring me that if Edward were in fact dead we would have been told by now, but I wasn't so sure. When a doctor came walking into the room I had all but given up hope completely.

"Mrs. Cullen?"

"Yes, that's me." I said standing up. "I'm Dr. Moore. Your husband is stable and in recovery right now. We were able to bring him back, and he made it through the rest of the surgery just fine. He's awake, and he's demanding to see you." He said. I couldn't help but to smile as he led me to Edward's room. It was so typical of Edward to be worried about me when he had just gone through a three hour surgery.

I walked into Edward's room slowly; afraid of what lie ahead. With a heavy sigh I walked over to his bed, and the tears started falling. His eyes were closed so I tried to stay quiet, but I couldn't resist touching him. Not when I had come so close to losing him. I laid my hand gently on top of his reveling in the warmth of his skin. He was alive! He was going to be okay!

"Hey beautiful." Edward said quietly. I leaned over the bed, and placed a gentle kiss to his forehead. "I thought I'd lost you." I whispered as more tears started falling. "Nah, you couldn't get that lucky." He said with a chuckle, and then he grimaced in pain. I pulled a chair up, and sat down besides him; holding his hand tightly in mine.


	72. AUTHOR'S NOTE

**Author's Note: I feel I owe you all an explanation for why it's taking so long to update on this story. So here it goes…I'm in outpatient rehab treatment for an addiction to pain pills, and I'm going to NA meetings every night. I'm working on getting myself clean because that has to come first, but please know that I am working on this story as well. I will have another chapter posted this weekend I'm hoping. I'm sorry to all of you for the delay, but again I have to put myself first. **

**Thanks.**

**Shelly**


	73. IMPORTANT NOTE!

**Author's Note: This story is on hold for the time being. I'm sorry to disappoint you all truly I am, but I've lost the inspiration for this particular story, and until I get it back I'm not going to attempt to post a chapter that's half ass written. That isn't my style. In the meantime I do have other stories posted as well as a new one called Something New, and I'll be posting another new one within the next couple of days. I thank each and every one of you for your kind words of inspiration and the warmth and care that emanates from your reviews and pm's. I love you all and I hope you'll continue to love me in return. You'll know as I do when this story is coming back. That's a promise. **

**Thanks.**

**Shelly**


	74. Chapter 74

**A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. I apologize in the delay of this story and though I'm posting this chapter I'm not promising that the updates will be as frequent as they usually were, but I will be updating. I hit some major writer's block, and as most of you know my addiction got in the way so again I'm sorry. Meanwhile here's another chapter! =] Song for this chapter-"1234"- Plain White T's. **

_Two months later-_

"I am so glad this day is over." Edward said sitting on the couch with a sigh. We'd just finished cleaning up from Raelynn's first birthday party. I sat down next to him rubbing his leg. "How can you say that? Our daughter is a year old." I said hearing the sadness in my words. Edward chuckled. "That's supposed to be a good thing, love."

"I don't want her to grow up yet." I pouted. He chuckled again. "Bella, she's only a year old. We have at least seventeen more years with her." He stated. I caught him rubbing his chest and narrowed my eyes. "Are you still in pain? You haven't taken any Tylenol in a while." I said in concern. His wounds had healed up nicely, but he was still having trouble with pain and soreness. Especially when he laughed or coughed.

"I'm fine, love. It's just a little tender tonight." He replied rolling his eyes at me. Liar. I got up and went to the kitchen for some Tylenol and water. I brought it back out to him, and glared at him until he took it. "You worry too much." He grumbled once he'd taken the pills.

"Edward, you're obviously in pain. Why not just take something for it? It makes sense." I snapped. "Wow, okay what's with the attitude?" He asked with a grin. "I don't have an attitude. I'm just not going to sit here and watch you suffer." I said through clenched teeth.

"Alright, love. You need to stop this." He said with a soft sigh. "Stop what?" I asked feigning innocence. "This feeling guilty shit. What happened was not your fault, and I'm not going to tolerate you acting like it was." It was his turn to snap obviously. I rolled my eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes at me!" He scoffed. "What would you like me to do, Edward? Pretend everything is fine? Newsflash! It's not fine! You got shot because of what I did! I'm not going to pretend that it isn't my fault!" I snapped.

"It _isn't_ your fault!" He snapped back. I sighed heavily and shook my head. "I'm not going to argue with you. We'll just have to agree to disagree." I said with more patience than I felt. "Do you need to go see Jan?" He asked softly.

"No, it's not like that. I'll be fine." I replied tiredly. "Now why do I have a hard time believing that?" He asked mockingly. I glared at him. "What's _your_ attitude about?" I asked. He just rolled his eyes and then looked away from me.

"The party went well didn't it? She got a lot of toys, and clothes. I can't believe Alice bought her so many outfits." I commented. "It went great. I'm glad we don't have to another one until next year though." He replied with a grin. I swatted his arm playfully with a smile of my own.

"Rosalie and Emmett looked happy didn't they?" He asked after a minute. "Yes! And Emilee is so cute! I'm glad they're finally home." I replied. "Although I am a little concerned abo-"

"Don't even say it." He said cutting me off. "How do you know what I'm going to say?" I blanched. "Because you've been saying it for over a month now. Raelynn will walk when she is ready to walk. She's just turned a year old, love." He stated.

"Lilly was walking by ten months old! Rae is barely pulling herself up onto stuff." I whined. "She will walk when she's ready to walk. Every baby is different, love. You can't go by what Lilly is or isn't doing already. Rae started talking before Lilly did that doesn't make her any better or worse than Lilly and neither does the fact that she's not walking yet." Edward said.

"What if there's something wrong?" I asked quietly. "Bella." Edward sighed. "There is nothing wrong with our daughter! She's going at her own pace like she always does. You weren't worried about when she started crawling." He said.

"She started crawling at six months old. Why would I be worried about that? That's normal." I shot back. "Raelynn is a normal baby, love. She's fine. You worry too much." He said with a chuckle. "So you keep telling me." I muttered.

"But what if she doesn't walk?" I asked after a few minutes. "Bella!" Edward exclaimed, clearly frustrated. "What? It's a possibility, Edward. You can't deny that." I said defensively. He rubbed his hands over his face with a heavy sigh. "I'm going to regret this, but what the hell. If you'd quit holding her so much she'd start walking." He stated. "I don't hold her that much!" I exclaimed.

"Bella, every time I talk to you on the phone you're holding her. Anytime I walk through the door you're holding her. Hell, you held her almost all day today! You have to stop coddling her at some point, love or she'll never learn to do things for herself." He explained calmly. "I don't coddle her! How dare you say that! I don't do anymore for her than you or anyone else does!" I scoffed angrily. Edward shook his head and sighed again. "You do _everything_ for her. I'm surprised she even learned to crawl! She points to something and you drop everything to get it for her. You actually burnt dinner two nights ago because you were on the hunt for Rae's favorite toy that could have waited until you were finished with what you were doing!" He exclaimed.

"So that's what this is about! I burn dinner for the first time ever and you just can't handle that! Maybe you should start cooking!" I snapped.

"I would if you'd let me!" He snapped back. "Oh, I see so I coddle you, too, right?" I yelled. "I never said that, but since you brought it up yes, you do." He ground out. "I am so fucking sorry for wanting to take care of my family!" I exclaimed. Edward jumped up off the couch with a frustrated growl. "You don't have to take care of everyone else all the time, Bella! You need to take about half the time you spend on us and spend it on yourself for a change!" He exclaimed.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I demanded. "Bella, come on! In the last three months what have you really done for _you_? You used to go for runs in the morning, or go shopping, and you used to get massages and go to the salon. You don't do any of that anymore. I've been out more in the last three months than you have, and I've been injured! You don't just stop doing all the things you love because you have a family, Bella!" He explained.

"Is this really about me doing the things that I love, or is this about the way I look?" I asked quietly.

"Don't do that, Bella. Don't you dare do that! This has nothing to do with your appearance!" He snapped pointing a finger at me. "I am worried about you. I…I think you need to go back on the meds, Bella." He added quietly. I jumped up quickly and glared at him. "I haven't needed those in a long time! I'm not about to start taking them again!" I yelled.

"Look me in the eye and tell me you haven't been depressed lately." He demanded softly. "Why does every conversation we have anymore end up here?" I asked evasively. "Maybe that should tell you something." He stated with a shrug. "Oh, bite me!" I snapped walking out of the room. I stormed into our bedroom and closed the door softly. I wanted to slam it shut, but I didn't want to take the chance of waking up Raelynn. I wished, not for the first time in the last two months, that our bedroom door had a lock on it. It seemed as if every time we spoke to each other anymore it ended in an argument, and I was getting sick of it. It was a miracle we'd lasted as long as we had today without one, but we were celebrating our daughter's first birthday.

I changed into a pair of shorts and a tank top and went to the bathroom to complete my nightly routine. When I was finished I stood at the counter, staring at my reflection in the mirror. It was the first time in a long time that I had actually _looked_ at myself. Instantly I noticed the added weight in my face, it made it look rounder and softer in a way. My eyes were flat and tired looking with dark circles underneath. I fingered a strand of my hair; noticing just how long it had gotten, and how in need of a coloring it truly was. The question was when did I stop caring about how I looked or even felt? I knew I had never been what some would call a high maintenance girl, but I had always put _some_ kind of effort into how I looked. And I had always managed my weight, exercising semi-regularly and eating mostly healthy foods. When did that stop? The fact that I didn't know the answer worried me, and I intended to do rectify the situation as soon as possible.

With a heavy sigh I turned the light off and walked back into the bedroom. I set my alarm for six am, and crawled into bed with a yawn. I was just dozing off when I heard the bedroom door open. I raised my head up, and saw a little body making its way to my side of the bed. I sat there, stunned into silence. She was walking! Oh my god!

"Mama. Up." Rae demanded standing before me with her little arms raised up. I squealed and jumped out of bed scooping her up into my arms with a laugh. "You sneaky little girl! How long have you been able to do that?" I asked tickling her belly. Her laughter sent warmth coursing through my veins. I knew without a doubt after watching her walk that she had done it before. She was too steady on her feet to have just learned it. Maybe Edward was right. Maybe I was coddling her. I kissed her cheek, and set her back on the floor. She stood up and started walking towards the living room. I followed right behind her with a huge smile on my face. Edward was sitting up on the couch smiling as well.

"She's quite the escape artist tonight. I've put her back to bed at least three times already." He stated as I sat down next to him. "She walked out here three times and I'm just now being woken up?" I asked unable to remove my smile.

"Oh, no. The first two times she came out walking and the minute she saw me she dropped to her knees and started crawling again. The third time she just kept on walking. Like she knew the gig was up." He explained with a laugh. I laughed right along with him and shook my head. "How long do you think she's been doing this?" I asked.

"Who knows? It appears we have a quite devious little girl on our hands." He replied. "Oh, god! Can you imagine what she'll be like when she's sixteen? If she's this smart now just think how much worse it'll be!" I exclaimed with another laugh. Edward grimaced. "We'll have to put alarms on all the windows and doors in the house so she doesn't sneak out." He said thoughtfully. I swatted his arm playfully and turned back to Raelynn. She was walking from the coffee table to the couch and back again repeatedly. Edward grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze. I turned to smile at him and he leaned over and kissed me lightly. "I love you." He said.

"I love you, too."


	75. PLEASE READ!

First of all, I just want to say how sorry I am for leaving without much of an explanation. I was going through a very rough time in my life, and I needed to take a step back and focus on me and my family. Things are much better now, and I'm going to resume posting on this story as well as new stories in the very near future. I just want to say thank you to those of you who sent messages of concern for my well being. And I hope you guys will still continue to follow me along here on fanfiction. Thanks.


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